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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
Itsokay2020 · 22/10/2023 21:26

Why does it matter if you are the one to
leave? One of you has to, the children are suffering and they have to come first. You also need control over your environment, this will take its toll on you and is not sustainable.

You must leave, it’s the only way to put boundaries in place and to provide your children with stability. Yes, it’s hard, it’s scary, but in the not too distant future you’ll question why you didn’t leave a long time ago.

As for 50:50, it won’t last. He’ll want you to have the kids more and more to limit your freedom (and scupper your ability to meet a new partner in the longer term) whilst he quickly finds a replacement. It’s all about fear and control.

Please, @Sowhatimstillarockstar9, start the next chapter immediately, this is no way for any of you to live

Mumsanetta · 22/10/2023 21:53

What is the current status of your divorce? And what is your lawyer’s advice on staying in the home? And why does he get to dictate how this is all going? I understand that you are tiptoeing around him and the kids because you think it will make divorce easier but surely you can see that it is not and it is actually making things worse for you and your kids?

MissMillyFluff · 22/10/2023 22:02

He sounds like a complete drain on your life. You deserve better. Please don't allow him to go to family events, he's dug his own grave. When I was younger my first husband was very similar and I had to fight to get him out of my life, I eventually succeeded and I'm now with lovely second DH, my children love him like a dad and my first husband decided to disappear, leaving me with all his debt. But you know what? It's sorted now and my life with my immediate family is so much better, there really is light at the end of the tunnel (( hugs))

SquishyGloopyBum · 23/10/2023 08:08

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 22/10/2023 21:04

He has had most of the weekend with the kids and from them being with me a few nights ago and tonight they are like different children.
He made us have a family meeting tonight to ask the children how they were feeling and for anything they would like to change. They both said they don't want to keep staying away from their home. I suggested me and him move out alternate weekends but he has refused that again.
He has also set up a digital photo album with all our old family photos on which he keeps saying to the kids oh look at this one, do you remember this! My DS has been in tears at bedtime.
He has said to me that if I continue to live in the house the 50/50 shared time with the kids isn't working for him and it can't continue. I will have to check with him before I want to do anything and he will have to be invited.

I think I am finally at the point I need to move out for my own mental health and my kids. I just worry it will be spun as I am leaving. I would obviously take them with me initially.

He's still being a controlling abusive arse.

You need to find your anger and strength. He does not get to call the shots. Ignore it.

The photo thing is cruel for your kids.

Where are you with legal advice? You need to push things forward now.

GabriellaMontez · 23/10/2023 09:15

This isn't going to be resolved in an amicable, reasonable way. He's not a pleasant chap who'll do what's best for the kids.

He doesn't want to lose you. He loves having you to push around, do his bidding and make him feel powerful.

You will need to force the next step, legally. Do it for your children.

crumblylancs · 23/10/2023 16:21

He's being a prick but what are you doing to progress the situation? You obviously can't continue the way you are for the children's sake (which has been evident in a fair few if your updates) Have you been to see a solicitor about the house/divorce?

CherryMaDeara · 23/10/2023 22:27

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 06/10/2023 21:26

I am feeling absolutely stuck at the moment. We have agreed to have alternate weekends with the kids which is tricky when living together. I am still doing all the cooking and cleaning of the house. Feel like he will let it continue this way as he is getting everything he wants, a maid and someone cooking his tea.
The only reason I am doing it is for the kids. The kids want me to do everything for them, it can't be dad it has to be me. I have to sort clothes, find stuff, do homework. I'm not sure how I get to a point where I would be happy for it to be 50/50.
My son has been poorly this week and he has always been one to make them go to school no matter what. My daughter said to him on Tuesday morning, Dad are you going to forcw Bob go to school today even though he is poorly. He got quite angry with her.

Stop cooking for him! Cook for you and the kids and throw away any leftovers or hide them in freezer.

Don’t wash his clothes or tidy his room.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 30/10/2023 06:41

I am leaving on Thursday - to coincide with my weekend with the children. I have told him yesterday and am going to talk yo the kids after school tonight.
I have also had 2 house valuations and have drafted a financial proposal on split of equity/savings etc... he won't agree to it but it gets the ball rolling.
I have also told him I will continue to contribute my half of the mortgage and kids clubs but won't be paying for utility bills etc...
Solicitor said it shouldn't impact my financial settlement leaving the house.
I have read that maybe I could be entitled to a 60/40 split of finances as he earns around 25k more than me, I just don't want to take it spend money in court if I can avoid it.

He said to me last night DD is really struggling mentally and it's all my fault!

Saturday was his day and he had planned to go to a football match with DS and leave DD with his sister for the afternoon. In our agreements for the kids we said that if one parent wasn't there or couldn't do it then the other would get chance to. The kids expressed this as a preference.
So Saturday he went off to his sisters and said they were all staying there. I then had my DD in tears on the phone asking if she could come to me because he had gone off to the football.
He was messaging his sister saying you must not let her go from your house, and telling DD she couldn't go with me.
I really worry for her that she won't want to be without me and on her own with him.
Does anyone know at what age the courts will listen to her veiw, she is 9.

OP posts:
Pacificisolated · 30/10/2023 07:42

Hey OP, I have read your thread for a while now but haven’t felt like I had anything to add to all the excellent advice from other posters.
Reading your latest update, I think it is clear he is unable to put his children’s needs first. Upsetting the kids to try and get to you is emotionally abusive. It meets his emotional need for validation and revenge but it is hurting them and potentially damaging their long term mental health too. I have to seriously question whether a 50:50 shared care arrangement is in their best interests or even feasible? Thus far you are doing 100% of the care during the week and he is doing every other weekend (and using you as childcare when your DD was unwell). Did you suggest this arrangement out of fear or the assumption at the start that he would be more reasonable? Will he take the kids to clubs and appointment during the week? Will he keep the house reasonably clean and cook for them? I would be concerned that you might be setting your children up for more heartache by sending them to him half of the time. The conflict will not necessarily end after the divorce and financial settlement are over. He will not suddenly become emotionally mature and stop trying to manipulate your children to hurt you.

Sicario · 30/10/2023 09:25

He is weaponising the children in order to punish you for ending the marriage. This is a very common tactic used by angry men.

Legal fees are expensive, but they are unavoidable in conflict-based divorce proceedings.

Your sister-in-law had no right to keep your daughter at her house against her will. Like a typical angry man, he is recruiting other women to provide childcare when it's inconvenient for him to have them.

You might have to spell this out to your SIL that your children are not pawns to be passed around when he can't be bothered to parent.

W0tnow · 30/10/2023 09:32

There is a thread somewhere… it closely mirrors your situation, and it follows the OP through the separation, buying a new place, etc. you really should read it. Honestly, reading some of your posts are taking me right back to her own struggles., particularly around his emotional manipulation of the children. She is happy now. Oh I wish I could find it!

GabriellaMontez · 30/10/2023 12:10

No one wants to spend money on solicitors.

However, sometimes it's a necessary evil. There is a good chance it will save you money in the long term. I'd suggest this is especially the case for you. You sound ground down by this bully. I think you probably need someone to advocate for you.

Yes 60/40 splits and higher are common. It depends on the bigger picture eg pensions etc. Your solicitor should advise.

Takeabreather23 · 01/11/2023 10:21

All of the above comments are spot on .
Once you have moved out this weekend and kids are settled . Then tell
hi no more 50/50
Keep your cards close to your chest , I’m sure I've said this before . Sharing your moves with him won’t do you any good.
50/50 is not int he kids best interests . He’s messing with their heads . No amount of money is worth doing this to dc .
If you have to fight him then that’s what you have to do . I think you will
find once your out and things move on he won’t eat to spend his money either .

Sicario · 03/11/2023 15:22

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - hope you are ok after yesterday's move. Sending strength and solidarity.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 03/11/2023 23:13

@Sicario thank you so much for the message.
We moved yesterday, the kids have taken it well and are already very relaxed. Their Dad is messaging saying we should all be together every night and he misses them so much.
I am realise how much I am going to have to change my own mindset. My son wasn't well from school today so I told him we wouldn't do swimming and my first thought was 'oh shit what will XXX think about that'. I do think that will take a while to change in my mind.

He has sent me the shitiest financial offer today, at least 30k less than 50/50. He hasn't even offered the equity in the house.
I have emailed it to my solicitor.

I feel very supported by my family and honesty so lucky, if I didn't have them I would still be stuck there.

OP posts:
Sicario · 04/11/2023 09:11

Hang on in there.

I remember the instant relief the day I became a single parent. No longer having to live in a constant state of high alert with an abusive husband.

The financials will work themselves out eventually with your lawyer. Concentrate on rebuilding your life with your children. Ignore his messages and make it clear you will communicate only about contact arrangements.

You no longer have to facilitate any aspect of his life. He won't like it, but you have done the hardest part so WELL DONE TO YOU!

Have a great weekend doing whatever you want!

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 04/11/2023 09:36

Congratulations on the move! I am so pleased you are supported by your family. You have taken a huge step and although there will be challenging times ahead things can only get better for you for now on. Xx

Climbingthehillfast · 04/11/2023 09:47

He’s a nasty manipulative shit to your kids. He’s treated them vile. Have you kept a diary of his behaviour - could you get an occupational consent to stay in the house and kick him out?

Sicario · 04/11/2023 10:21

A couple of other things:

You do not have to answer the phone to him, or reply to his messages.

Do not allow him into your new (even if it's temporary) home. Use this as an opportunity to start asserting clear boundaries. If he comes around and knocks, tell him to wait then close the door. He will try to invade your privacy and space, so stand firm.

If he starts making threats of any kind, do not hesitate to report him to the police.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 05/11/2023 00:27

Thanks all and sorry for another update it it sometimes helps to write it down.
We went for a Bonfire/Halloween party at my brothers tonight, the kids had a great time with cousins.
During the party my DS's football game was called off tomorrow. My STBX was coming to watch.
He then messaged me and asked if he will still get to see the kids tomorrow even though the match was off.
I really hate that I am so worried about his reaction when I text back to say no.
I already let him take my DD for breakfast this morning while DS was training.
My DD has asked how many more nights she has with me, I am worries about how she will be tomorrow evening.

OP posts:
PinkArt · 05/11/2023 01:50

What's the current custody arrangement while you are sorting the official one? If it's not his day with them just reply factually to say no it's not your access day. Don't get into any further conversation, don't let emotions come into play, just a statement of what has been agreed.
I'm sure he misses them and wants to see them, but I'm much more sure he wants to assert power by pushing the agreed set up.
If you can, try to be the opposite of what he's been with the kids and fake being breezy and upbeat with them. Could you get her excited about a favourite toy she'll see back at the old house perhaps, or make a fun plan for their first night back with you?

Sicario · 05/11/2023 15:53

It might be worth you thinking about what a regular contact arrangement routine would look like.

See if you can work out a schedule so that the kids know in advance where they will be and what they will be doing.

It will also allow you to plan your own time with / without the kids.

Try to get this agreed in writing, which will be best for everyone in the long run.

It's early days and it will take a while for you to find your feet and establish a new routine. Hold steady and try to keep an even keel for the children, which will include keeping STBX firmly in his box so he is unable to create chaos.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 06/11/2023 09:54

My DD stared with a tummy ache last night, I'm pretty sure it's aniexty. She is getting picked up from school by her dad and I won't see her until Wednesday. She was very upset saying she will miss me.
I am questioning why I have agreed to 50/50. I am not sure she wants to be there or even if she has a voice at 9.
He was sat outside school this morning on my drop off day.
DD questioned why he was there.

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 06/11/2023 11:09

OP I wouldn’t let him have 50/50 let him take you to court .
You left him for a reason . They way he plays mind games is terrible the kids don’t need it. .

PinkArt · 06/11/2023 11:27

He was sat outside school this morning on my drop off day.
DD questioned why he was there.

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