To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

@WeighingUpMyOptions thank you so much you are obviously feeling so much of what I am feeling too. I hope you are OK?

My kids are the number one priority and I just want them to be OK and as much as he tries his best to suck me back in I do keep thinking of that little house that's just mine and their's and a Friday movie night without him there.
We have talked about how they can decorate their new bedrooms but that we may have to live at Grandma's for a little bit before we can get somewhere new.
I do think he will try to screw me over with finances but have lots of people around me that are in my corner.

My next big decision is do I move to my Mums this weekend as its my weekend with the kids?

Instead of making the decision to move this weekend, could you just visit for the weekend and see how the space from him feels? Have a good chat with your mum about it all, shake out a bit of the horrific messaging he's giving to the kids.
You are so doing the right thing getting away from him. With every post he sounds nastier and more toxic.

He'll definitely try to screw you over. That's what you need the solicitor for.

Agree, visit your mum. Have a break. Keep brushing off the nonsense he's feeding the children. "Of course daddy won't be sad forever! He's had a lovely weekend I don't know why he's said that"

You're doing well. This twat is not going to make this easy. Hang in there.

It's quite natural to feel the way you do in a situation like this. When we leave long term relationships there is a bit of a grieving process to go through, because we also have to let go of the hopes/aspirations we had for the relationship, and let go of what we thought the relationship would be. Not to mention a big change of any kind can feel scary, because there is so much ambiguity over what our future life will look like.

The fact you have been together so long means that he has had YEARS to make you happy and he hasn't. Offering to do things like cooking is too little, too late. And fact he is now manipulating your kids shows you exactly the kind of person he is. He is not a good person.

Definitely go to your Mums this weekend. Hopefully it’ll give you a good insight into how wonderful life will be without him. Because it will, really it will

Please don’t let him suck you back in, please. You and your children deserve so much more

I didn't go to my Mums tonight but I am going tomorrow morning until Sunday tea time. See my brother and his kids which will be lovley. I picked the kids up today and dropped my DD at a club so got some great 1 on 1 time with my DS. He seemed very happy and was asking about what sort of house we will have, how can he decorate his bedroom. As soon as he sees his dad again he is sad. Dad asking him if he is OK, if he has been sad today. It brings his mood really low! He wants him to be sad.

The twat isn't talking to me today as I have dared to get them a new phone. He got them their first phone last month without asking me so he could keep in contact as his children were being taken away from him!!! The phones were very basic and the kids were asking if they could have one that does video calls for when I am not with them. Had a conversation with him the other day about it and I got them a really basic smartphone that does watsapp video calls. He has been in a mood all day as I have "upstaged" what he got them last month!!!

Hope you enjoyed your weekend. Stay strong

I am feeling absolutely stuck at the moment. We have agreed to have alternate weekends with the kids which is tricky when living together. I am still doing all the cooking and cleaning of the house. Feel like he will let it continue this way as he is getting everything he wants, a maid and someone cooking his tea.
The only reason I am doing it is for the kids. The kids want me to do everything for them, it can't be dad it has to be me. I have to sort clothes, find stuff, do homework. I'm not sure how I get to a point where I would be happy for it to be 50/50.
My son has been poorly this week and he has always been one to make them go to school no matter what. My daughter said to him on Tuesday morning, Dad are you going to forcw Bob go to school today even though he is poorly. He got quite angry with her.

You really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Have you started the legal process yet? I would also consider stopping the "maid services" for him. It's not your job to facilitate his life any more.

It seems pretty impossible for you to assert your boundaries with this arrangement. He's clearly going to make things as difficult as possible for you, so you really do need to set out a clear path and plan with your legal representative.

What he is currently demonstrating is that he's not capable of having them 50:50. He doesn't cook for them, or look after their house. He isn't the primary parent who the kids default to when they need help. All potentially useful behaviour when it comes to contact arrangements.
In the meantime as @Sicario says you need to downgrade what you do for him from wife to housemate. You wouldn't cook for a housemate, or do their laundry so don't do anything like that for him. I imagine if you don't clean the house that the asshole won't, so that might be one to suck up for a bit for the sake of you and the kids, but nothing else.
Stay strong, keep a record of the shitty stuff he does that might come in handy and keep visualising that happier future without him. You're doing sooo well.

Have you started the legal process?

What sort of timescale do you have?

I don't imagine he'll ever have them 50/50. You don't need to decide this at the moment. This is a separate issue.

And yes of course he'll let you continue doing everything. Why wouldnt he? That's exactly how he likes things.

Hope you're doing okay @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 and managing to keep your head above water. Sending solidarity to you.

Thank you so much! I don't think I am doing OK at all. Today has been such a shit day. I agreed to go on the trip but my DD has been really poorly so we couldn't go, and he has lost all his money apparently.

The second we decided she wasn't well enough to go he booked to go and do something else with my DS without even asking what anyone thought of that. They were out the house yesterday for 12 hours while I was left to look after my DD.

Today he has told me he wants me to leave, it isn't fair as he is putting in more money than me and we are separated. We have been doing it the same as we have done throughout our maraige and put in proportionally to what we earn.

He has told me I am a shit mother and he can't wait until I have left and he can enforce his rules.

He also won't agree to splitting Xmas, they must be with him the whole day.

I can't live with him anymore, I'm planning to move out I just need to time it right for the kids.

He is also saying he is absoluty taking it to court to get 50/50 agreed untill they are 16! I have told him he will have to pay for that as I am happy for the casual 50/50 agreement we have. It's on a spreadsheet. My solicitor has said if its the kids that don't want to go he will have to take it back to court .

Sorry this is so long, I just kept typing!

You sound understandably worn down by this all. I wonder if it's possible to find your anger a bit, not to cause conflict but to make sure you don't give in to his bullying. I don't think the court would look favourably on a parent who was dragging this through the courts when you've already agreed to 50/50. Would he agree to mediation? Why are you having to move out? Do you own the house together?

This is a shame it’s so confusing for the kids you still living there . You need to rip the plaster off and get out of there ASAP!
Get your brother to help you go to your mums at the weekend . Drop kids with her and get on with it . The longer you stay the less he will believe you are over .

Just nod and say yes the courts can decide . You say your kids are your priority well don’t be giving him 50/50 freely he’s a head fuck . He’s hurting the kids to manipulate you into staying .
It should be less time he gets not more .

Once you are gone you will be having different conversations as you will be thinking clearer .

Please get this sorted for the kids sake .
He not nice he’s not going to change and he doesn’t care for anyone but himself .
It needs to be you putting the kids interests first and that’s not by still being there .

Run!!

You are a wonderful mother who has endured so much to try and have a lovely family for your children. He is the shit father who ruined it. You as a caring and loving mother can see that what is best for you and the children is to now parent on your own, in your own home. This is best for you and the children and what you deserve. It isn't what is best for the nasty and selfish man. Which is why he is saying these things. He attempted to be nice to get you stay. Now he is being nasty to undermine you and destroy your courage to leave.

He doesn't get to decide that he "must" have Christmas. Don't let the new norm be for him to bully over when he has contact. I understand you will probably feel stronger handling this once you don't have to live with this nasty man.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

In the eyes of the law you are entitled to equal housing. It's all very well him telling you to leave, but it's not up to him and you need to be able to create a stable home environment of your own, sufficient to house you and your children.

Try not to worry about the Christmas issue. Right now the housing issue is your top priority.

He is an abusive bully, and this needs to be made very plain to your solicitor. It may be that she/he (?) puts in an emergency application to the courts to resolve the housing issue.

I have just got back with the kids from 2 nights away with extended family which was lovley.
When we got in her told the kids he has booked a hotel for them 5 minutes away from out house for tonight.
My daughter was very upset said she didn't want to go so she has refused and has stayed at home with me.
He is very annoyed at me and said this isn't working, he said in front of the kids that I am manipulative.
Worried what the consequences will be for this!!

He is beyond disgusting.
Every single update is worse than the last.
Not sure if you've contacted Women's Aid - please do. He is exposing your children to abusive, coercive and manipulative behaviour.
Log everything.
It will end, keep going.

There won't be any consequences, because it's him causing all the trouble and behaving so very badly.

I do agree with Scooby above about contacting Women's Aid for advice. They are very good.

His bad behaviour in front of the kids, and telling them things he really shouldn't, is particularly nefarious. Raise this with Women's Aid and they will be able to advise you.

Everything he is accusing you of (being manipulative etc) is typical DARVO behaviour. You can read about DARVO. It's a common tactic used by abusive people. (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.) They make out that they are the victim and that it is YOU who is behaving badly. It makes you feel like you're going mad.

Stay strong and keep steady.

I find this thread difficult to read . Regarding what is happening to the kids .
OP i know your going through a Tough time but I think you need to start making decisions and move this along now .

Have you spoken to your lawyer ? what did they say about you moving out or your rights to the house ?
Is calling women’s aid an option ?
I would serve him divorce papers then his lawyer has to respond and the ball is rolling regarding splitting assets .
Right now you are doing nothing so he doesn’t need to either .

Stay strong OP x
His manipulative behaviour is bad enough for you to cope with but your poor kids .....
at this rate I can’t see 50 % custody being a healthy option for your kids mental health. I think you seriously need to rethink this and not just opt for 50% custody to get away from this narcissistic bully

He has had most of the weekend with the kids and from them being with me a few nights ago and tonight they are like different children.
He made us have a family meeting tonight to ask the children how they were feeling and for anything they would like to change. They both said they don't want to keep staying away from their home. I suggested me and him move out alternate weekends but he has refused that again.
He has also set up a digital photo album with all our old family photos on which he keeps saying to the kids oh look at this one, do you remember this! My DS has been in tears at bedtime.
He has said to me that if I continue to live in the house the 50/50 shared time with the kids isn't working for him and it can't continue. I will have to check with him before I want to do anything and he will have to be invited.

I think I am finally at the point I need to move out for my own mental health and my kids. I just worry it will be spun as I am leaving. I would obviously take them with me initially.

You are going around in Circles.
Have you made any progress since you told the kids .
What you are both doing is unfair .
Pleas take steps to move out or do what you have said regarding legal advice etc.

You tell the kids and now they in limbo and there heads being messed with . Why are you staying and putting you all through this ?

The kids will be fine when they actualy know what they are doing . You have Told them about another home and spiel about doing up rooms . Move things forward