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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
WeighingUpMyOptions · 19/09/2023 22:53

I don't have any practical advice but I've read all your posts and I think you're amazing. I wish I had your bravery. Don't be like me. Still stuck here, with the blinkers off and able to see what a prick my H is, and yet still be here. (He's currently sulking as i didnt want to have sex earlier so is now not talking to me) but....you're actually doing it. Youre changing your life and taking control. Im full of admiration for you.

What a horrible man your exH is saying all that to the kids. It's the fear of that kind of thing that keeps me here but as others havs said it's actually evidence of course you've made totally the right decision. This stage will end eventually. And you'll live the life you want and deserve finally.

PinkArt · 19/09/2023 22:56

I'm so glad you and the kids had such a lovely time. Keep focused on that and remember that's what your future looks like. The dread of seeing him again, the stealing the shares, the emotional blackmailing of the kids - all just reminders of why you are getting the fuck away from him. What a nasty prick he is.
When you talk to the solicitor tell them about the shares and ask if there are any financial steps you should be taking to protect your share of the assets.

Sicario · 20/09/2023 09:21

You visceral feelings of dread at the thought of returning home tell you everything you need to know.

He's not going to make this easy, or civilised.

He has absolutely no say in how or with whom you spend your Christmas. To use the childish language which really says it all - he's not the boss of you.

I hope you are able to instigate legal proceedings soon, and I agree that you need to take urgent advice about protecting your financial position.

Glad you had a lovely weekend! At some point in the future, all your days will be like that.

NoSquirrels · 20/09/2023 09:27

he wants us to spend Xmas day together!! I've said no but he isn't having it, so think that might be a fight.

Obviously you don’t want to spend it together but what have you suggested? You need to make sure it’s fair to him (even though it will hurt, I know) so the kids having at least some of the day with him, or what?

For the manipulative money chat with your DD, take a neutral agreeable time e.g. ‘Yes, Daddy and I might have a bit less money for holidays for a while, but I’m sure we can still plan fun things like X, Y, Z’. Don’t take the bait and focus on being positive yourself around the DC.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 20/09/2023 10:09

I have suggested he has all of Xmas eve and Xmas morning and drops them with me at 12.30 before lunch and I have Xmas afternoon and boxing day. To be rotated next year. I thought this was fair??

My son has told me this morning Daddy has said Santa only comes to one house! He has obviously been talking to them about it!!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/09/2023 10:56

That sounds really fair, and generous to give him the first Christmas morning. I think it’s OK Santa only comes to one house with stockings - but depends on if you have always said ALL presents are from Santa, which would be much trickier.

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/09/2023 10:56

Well isn't daddy silly, of course Santa knows when he needs to visit more than one house, no need to worry.

He really is just being a dick.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 20/09/2023 11:03

This is exactly what I have said to my son this morning that he shouldn't worry I always had some presents from santa in each house.

It's just another way of him trying to get what he wants by using the kids.

I just feel so sad for them as I think they would get though this so much easier if he wasn't whispering things in their ear!

He has messaged me to say he will be taking the childcare plan to court to make sure he gets his 50% until they are 16!!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 20/09/2023 12:21

No one gets a court order for child arrangements set in stone for the next 10 years... these things get reviewed.

More evidence of the torrents of rubbish that he spouts.

I doubt he'll go to court at all.

SquishyGloopyBum · 20/09/2023 13:46

Don't react. Just say ok.

Mumsanetta · 20/09/2023 14:41

You are doing so well OP. It’s easy for me to say but I think you’re going to have to train yourself to not react to his demands and the things the children are telling you - grey rock him all the way. Think of him as a petulant and attention seeking 3yr old - you do not have to feel outraged or react to everything he is saying or asking for. His power lies in his ability to manipulate your feelings, both directly and via your children, and grey rocking will take some of that power away from him.

Sicario · 20/09/2023 18:34

Ignore his threats. Keep taking small steps forward.

(The cynic in me is trying not to mention the fact that he will rail against having to organise his own gift shopping, wrapping, card-sending, catering and everything else that just dropped out of the ceiling for all the years you were doing it.)

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 22/09/2023 18:21

He has taken them away for the weekend and I am so sad! My son was in tears when he got in the car. I held it together till they left but I'm not sure I can cope with 50/50.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 18:26

All these first times will be the worst - I’m assuming their father has never taken them away alone without you before? But your 50% of the time with them (IF that’s how it works out, it may yet be a different split) will be actually happy, rather than tension-filled. You can do this.

PinkArt · 22/09/2023 18:44

Have a big cry. Let it all out. And then tomorrow morning get busy. Find stuff to keep your brain distracted - ideally practical things that'll help move you a step towards your happier new future bit if not then find a TV series to binge.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 22/09/2023 18:54

It's a huge adjustment for you all. It will get better and not having to live in such an unpleasant environment with a horrible man will make it all worth while. The time you have with them will be free of abuse and fear. You can all live in happiness together ❤️

Pixiedust1234 · 22/09/2023 20:28

The first few times are always the worst until you develop a routine on how to fill your time.

My son was in tears when he got in the car
If that happens again tell him you will be dancing round the house naked with the music blasting whilst giving him a wink. Make him giggle as it will remind him of sad daddy headbanging away the previous week. These are the kinds of props that you need to use. Seeing your ds giggle will help you mentally too Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 23/09/2023 13:03

One step at a time.

What have you been putting off doing? Or going to see? Is there anything practical that you can do while they're away? Copy documents? Get photos? Passports? Take anything sentimental to your parents house for safe keeping.

I wish I'd taken some photos from an old laptop.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/09/2023 19:10

He really isn’t putting their needs first . I think you need to get your financial ducks in a row. He’s playing games with your family finances . Whilst he’s away get as much financial information you can about shares , pensions, banks accounts as I suspect he will hide assets -my dad did this but mum had the good advice to get a legal separation

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/09/2023 22:49

The kids came back from the weekend away and seemed like they had a nice time. Since then my son has said Daddy told him he will feel sad forever. My son then asked me if he would feel sad forever. My daughter said he had told them he has done nothing wrong he is so confused as to why this is happening.
She has been upset tonight.
I think he wants my son to feel upset as it serves his agenda in that I am the one doing this to everyone.

We talked about me leaving the other day to go to my Mums. I go back and forth as to whether that's for the best. He doesn't respect any time that I have with the kids while we are living together so af least I might have some better time with them that way.
It makes me so angry he gets to keep the house though and makes me sad the kids will live here without me half the time.
I need the money from him buying me out to get somewhere new.
I just don't know what to do for the best. I suggested us both leaving the house every other weekend but he refuses to do it.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/09/2023 23:50

We talked about me leaving the other day to go to my Mums. I go back and forth as to whether that's for the best. He doesn't respect any time that I have with the kids while we are living together so af least I might have some better time with them that way.

I think earlier in the thread you said your advice from solicitor was not to leave the family home?

You know he’s going to stall this, obstruct it however he can. So it’s not going to be amicable. Yes, that would be best for everyone if he agreed to go 50-50 and leave the house when it’s your contact time etc but it’s not going to happen. You can’t reason with him, he’s emotionally abusive (whether that’s conscious or not doesn’t matter.) No point dwelling on should-haves.

What you can do is take the kids to your mum’s every other weekend minimum. Stay living at home, stay out of his way on his contact time if you like, but on your weekends make arrangements to not be with him.

CherryMaDeara · 27/09/2023 00:28

It makes me so angry he gets to keep the house though and makes me sad the kids will live here without me half the time.
I need the money from him buying me out to get somewhere new.
I just don't know what to do for the best. I suggested us both leaving the house every other weekend but he refuses to do it.

Don’t give him the house, you are entitled to half at least.

Even if you move to your mum’s, make sure the house is sold to get your share.

WeighingUpMyOptions · 27/09/2023 21:27

Sending solidarity @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 isn't it possible with court orders to get him to sign up to stop slagginn you off? What he's saying to the kids is so upsetting. How do you discredit what he says without it turning into a slagging match? You're being so strong. Do you feel sure and resilient in your decision despite how difficult it is? I wouldn't leave the family home if u can bear it

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 27/09/2023 21:58

@WeighingUpMyOptions I have felt so unsure all week this week. Wondering if he can actually change. Looking round my home wondering how I am going to leave, how my children will be OK here without me. I wonder if I can make it work until they are older. And I also feel so sad about my marragie ending, I think we used to be so happy. We have been together for 18 years (since we were 19).
I also wonder if I have overreacted and I am hard to live with. I do see my family lots and they are important in my life and I think that's a reason why this hasn't works as he doesn't like the fact I'm so close to them. He always wanted time the 4 of us.
He did say to me today 'I don't think you can see what's happening here'. I'm guessing he thinks my family are influencing my decision.
I feel like if I stay in the house he won't respect any of the time I have with the kids. I don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:
WeighingUpMyOptions · 27/09/2023 22:10

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 it's so tough. All the people on here saying "kids will adapt, you deserve to be happy" etc...I spend so long reading threads and comments trying to find the strength to leave myself. I can imagine the things you're grappling with feel unbearable..they do to me, the kids being without me, the kids being told upsetting and worrying things, Christmas's, birthdays, school plays...every event an opportunity for friction and shittyness. Sorry I'm not helping am I?

The problem is the way your H has responded is making this so incredibly hard for you but really it is also evidence you've done the right thing. You can't stay with a man who tells his kids that Father Christmas only comes to one house. Happy to make your kids feel awful in the hope it will guilt you into staying?? What an utter shit. You deserve better. But I get it. You want the drama and the upset to stop. If you change your mind you can go back to normal. But you weren't happy with the normal. Nor am I. If you change your mind you will be like me...unhappy and stuck and posting on mumsnet to find some comfort from strangers. You are brave enough to be changing your life.

(The stuff about your family sounds like classic emotionally manipulative behaviour- isolating you from people you care about, people who have got his number)