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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would an adult male be alone in the teaching pool?

264 replies

redrighthand83 · 26/08/2023 15:42

At my local leisure centre, there is the large main pool and then a shallow teaching pool which is around 100cm deep at the deepest section.

The teaching pool during the day is essentially the toddler pool. I have seen adults in the teaching pool earlier in the morning when it's quiet- and good on them, to build their confidence etc.

But the last few weekends at the busy sessions there's a man alone in his late 60s who just sits there in the corner watching everyone. I just can't imagine why he would choose to sit in a pool full of screaming and splashing children other than the more sinister reasons. I have tried to find the logic -e.g. he is entitled to use it but why would someone of retirement age only be able to use a pool on a Saturday lunch? Could he just be lonely and oblivious to the weird vibes it gives off?

Am I being unreasonable to ask the centre to perhaps look to separate lone adults using the teaching pool from the busier sessions with children?

Voting:

YABU: The world doesnt revolve around children
YANBU: This could be a safeguarding issue

OP posts:
CallieTR · 26/08/2023 22:03

Could be mobility issues - our local pool isn’t easy to climb in and out of. The toddler/teaching pool has wide steps that run the whole length of the pool - I have back issues and it would be much easier for me to get into and out of the toddler pool.

Reallynotoverreacting · 26/08/2023 22:06

OP that is weird. And I'd feel exactly the same. There used to be a man who sat in a car watching the children play at the playpark when mine were wee. Same man sat in his car at the local shop only at school drop off and pick up time,watching the children get out of school (shop and school were close).
He wasn't a grandfather, he was the local strange man, my spidey senses were off the radar, and I do believe he was a paedo or at best, perving on the mums.
If someone was doing this in the pool I would be ringing afterwards and speaking to the leisure centre manager, and I couldn't care less if other people thought I was overeating. I was nearly abducted by a pervert as a child, thank god my mum and dad didn't stand back and think awk sure that man has every right to be here, watching children, being a predator.
So inappropriate, whether he's innocent or not.

Reallynotoverreacting · 26/08/2023 22:07

*overreacting

Rubyupbeat · 26/08/2023 22:14

He could have had a swim and now warming his joints up. I do the same, but my pool has a spa.
People are paranoid that every lone male is a freak and predator.
A friend went to the seaside with her grandchildren last week and told me of a suspicious man, sitting alone on the beach, he was reading a book, very suspicious, I mean what lone male would do that, unless it's to look at small children. The whole paedo thing has got ridiculous!!

Original poster
redrighthand83 · 26/08/2023 22:17

Reallynotoverreacting · 26/08/2023 22:06

OP that is weird. And I'd feel exactly the same. There used to be a man who sat in a car watching the children play at the playpark when mine were wee. Same man sat in his car at the local shop only at school drop off and pick up time,watching the children get out of school (shop and school were close).
He wasn't a grandfather, he was the local strange man, my spidey senses were off the radar, and I do believe he was a paedo or at best, perving on the mums.
If someone was doing this in the pool I would be ringing afterwards and speaking to the leisure centre manager, and I couldn't care less if other people thought I was overeating. I was nearly abducted by a pervert as a child, thank god my mum and dad didn't stand back and think awk sure that man has every right to be here, watching children, being a predator.
So inappropriate, whether he's innocent or not.

I think this is what is playing on my mind. For all the plausible reasons given as to why someone would want to use the shallow warmer pool, social norms would dictate you avoid using it during busy periods with children. This pool has hourly sessions that start from 6.30am and run all day. This is a London borough pool, it is well served by several different bus lines and there are other pools in the area. The chances that this is the ONLY slot this person can do is not realistic.
We have taken DD to earlier sessions when she has woken early and there have occasionally been lone adults using the teaching pool but they were swimming/moving about, not sitting in a giant toddler pee filled bath. I have never had alarm bells go off about adults using the pool - I do when someone actively chooses to sit alone in it during peak time with children.

OP posts:
Original poster
redrighthand83 · 26/08/2023 22:19

Rubyupbeat · 26/08/2023 22:14

He could have had a swim and now warming his joints up. I do the same, but my pool has a spa.
People are paranoid that every lone male is a freak and predator.
A friend went to the seaside with her grandchildren last week and told me of a suspicious man, sitting alone on the beach, he was reading a book, very suspicious, I mean what lone male would do that, unless it's to look at small children. The whole paedo thing has got ridiculous!!

He could have done, but he hasn't. The pools run in hour-long sessions. He comes in dry.

OP posts:
Reallynotoverreacting · 26/08/2023 22:22

I am a great believer in trusting your gut, if he needs to soothe his joints then he should go and use the jacuzzi, not a pool full of children.
Has he a right to be there? Well yes probably, but that doesn't mean you have to like it either.
I'm not someone who believes in a paedo Roy d every corner but we owe it to our children to actually realise that statically, there is a paedo round most corners unfortunately. It's our job to protect them as much as we can.

Reallynotoverreacting · 26/08/2023 22:23

Sorry for the typos, tired and have had gin!

Myfavouritepenguin · 26/08/2023 22:30

Reallynotoverreacting · 26/08/2023 22:06

OP that is weird. And I'd feel exactly the same. There used to be a man who sat in a car watching the children play at the playpark when mine were wee. Same man sat in his car at the local shop only at school drop off and pick up time,watching the children get out of school (shop and school were close).
He wasn't a grandfather, he was the local strange man, my spidey senses were off the radar, and I do believe he was a paedo or at best, perving on the mums.
If someone was doing this in the pool I would be ringing afterwards and speaking to the leisure centre manager, and I couldn't care less if other people thought I was overeating. I was nearly abducted by a pervert as a child, thank god my mum and dad didn't stand back and think awk sure that man has every right to be here, watching children, being a predator.
So inappropriate, whether he's innocent or not.

I understand your feelings and wouldn’t say you are over-reacting. My point is just that there are no laws against being somewhere you’re legally allowed to be, and no laws against looking at people or thinking certain thoughts about people.

I do definitely believe that unsavoury (male) people exploit certain situations, but I don’t know that there’s much we can do about it except where there are specific rules - eg no lone adults in children’s pool. That would help maybe. Otherwise, we all just have to be hyper-vigilant. But it’s hard to complain to management about someone just being in the pool.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/08/2023 05:20

Is he using the pool as warm-water therapy for arthritis, or similar ? Maybe he doesn't have a bath at home or gets free swimming? Maybe he's there on a Saturday afternoon because he is still working, despite being retirement age?

rwalker · 27/08/2023 05:32

It’s warmer and you can sit down you can’t sit in a normal pool

if it bothers you go and challenge him

mdinbc · 27/08/2023 05:33

If your intuition is giving you warnings, then heed them. Keep an eye on him and report any untoward behaviour. He may be a harmless man enjoying the happy noise of children and the warm water, but he may indeed have nefarious intentions.

We had an older fellow at our pool who did the same, and would wander in and out of the men's changerooms when young boys were changing after lessons. There were a few times that I asked the staff to go check on my son. It turned out that he was indeed perverted, had charges against him but were never proven or found guilty, but staff cannot kick you out just because you make people uncomfortable . He never actually did anything, just stared.

curaçao · 27/08/2023 05:39

"turned out that he was indeed perverted, had charges against him but were never proven or found guilty"

So much for innocent until proven guilty

TommyNever · 27/08/2023 05:41

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/08/2023 05:20

Is he using the pool as warm-water therapy for arthritis, or similar ? Maybe he doesn't have a bath at home or gets free swimming? Maybe he's there on a Saturday afternoon because he is still working, despite being retirement age?

As a middle-aged man, if I was in any of those categories, there is still no way in the world I'd use a swimming pool full of kids as a place to sit in the corner for an hour.

The great majority of men would avoid any such situation because we'd feel extremely uncomfortable knowing that people would be suspecting us of being there to perv or worse.

And those suspicions would be understandable - paedophilia is not rare, it's one of the more common male perversions as anyone who follows the crime court news would be aware.

neelhtak · 27/08/2023 06:40

I would certainly watch my children carefully, just as I would if this person were not there. There is little fear of the person harming children in this situation. I would try to forget about him and enjoy the trip to the pool. What do you think he intends to do?

Bingbangboo64 · 27/08/2023 07:03

TommyNever · 27/08/2023 05:41

As a middle-aged man, if I was in any of those categories, there is still no way in the world I'd use a swimming pool full of kids as a place to sit in the corner for an hour.

The great majority of men would avoid any such situation because we'd feel extremely uncomfortable knowing that people would be suspecting us of being there to perv or worse.

And those suspicions would be understandable - paedophilia is not rare, it's one of the more common male perversions as anyone who follows the crime court news would be aware.

Show quote history

You are so right any sensible man would not sit by the kids pool just in case the situation gets misunderstood- if joints need warming etc there are spa-s for that, not many grown men would think that kiddy pool and sitting in poopy diaper/wee water is a perfect relaxation and therapy spot.

OP for some wierd reason you get mocked for what i think is a reasonable concerns,defo report it so if he has not been noticed as far in the future lifeguards can keep eye on him and what is he exactly doing there. For a perv that sounds like an ideal place to hang around at- some kids come in in bikinis, bend over when climbing up a slide etc-urgh.

Mydustymonstera · 27/08/2023 07:10

Once again I have no idea why you are getting a hard time from so many posters. Of course this behaviour’s unusual and you’re right to be wary!!! I would have a word with the staff. If nothing else your comment that there is 20ft of space about him in a crowded pool.

Monkeytoy · 27/08/2023 07:16

I’m with OP on this one. You’re getting a lot of possibilities in the comments and to be honest, they could be valid reasons to be fair. But I think I would feel uncomfortable if I was taking my DS swimming in the baby / toddler pool and there was a grown adult sitting in the corner watching everyone. It’s a hard one because he could be completely innocent, but he might also not be.

The fact you said that there’s a space where others have moved away from him too seems like other people also are questioning why there is a lone adult in the teaching pool.

Luckily the swimming pool near us has family swim in the teaching pool, it’s for babies / toddlers and their caregivers only. You are not allowed in it unless you’re with a child.

landbeforegrime · 27/08/2023 07:24

My job means i sometimes have to deal with some of the more unpleasant things in life. i am glad that it is something that society does not see regularly, but society is shielded from it. it happens a lot more than the criminal justice system would have you believe (difficult to prosecute when it has to meet the beyond all reasonable doubt test). i am incredibly vigilant about this and child safeguarding generally. if there's a hint of a shadow of a doubt i would say something. it's nice that a lot of people think you should leave this poor man alone. they have a positive and pleasant view of the world. it doesn't make them right though. neither do your suspicions make you right. but as no one knows for sure, my view is the least harm is caused by speaking up politely and in a non accusatory way when there is any room for someone's behaviour to be misconstrued or it raises suspicion. soft play centers do not allow lone adults to enter. there are loads of pools that have the same kind of policy with family swim time. to protect everyone, the man included, the pool should not allow lone adults in the pool clearly designed for children during busy periods (if at all). i would write to anyone and everyone involved with the pool management (is it local authority contracted, if so include them in emails) and say you have concerns (don't need to specify a particular person), what is the policy, if there is one why isn't it being enforced and if there isn't why not. who is the council's child safeguarding lead etc. can their views be canvassed, ask them to look into it, to do a risk assessment and review if they need a better policy to make sure children are being safeguarded. it may sound like overkill but once they are aware of the potential for an issue (not this man specifically) then they will be more inclined to act. to most people who work in child safeguarding this does not sound insane. you cannot be too careful as there are so many people out there who have been found on balance of probabilities to have sexually harmed children but are walking around without impairment because the criminal justice system couldn't make findings beyond all reasonable doubt and they have no formal criminal conviction. anecdotally, the lovely 20 something year old volunteer at the pool i swam at years ago used to sexually assault the older children (13+), i know because i saw the fear of my friends when they talked about what happened. he tried to orchestrate situations to get me alone in a room with him but i knew better and we all stuck together at that point so no one was alone with him. our parents thought he was lovely and he had a disability so he was being picked on if someone said anything negative about him. he was eventually asked to leave his volunteer teaching position because parents of the tiny children complained about him, nothing concrete but didn't like the way he interacted with the children in front of them - they thankfully saw something parents of the older children did not. he wasn't arrested, had no convictions. he's presumably still out there now as a 40 or 50 something year old who has experience of teaching children how to swim and god knows what he's doing. You cannot be too careful.

JMSA · 27/08/2023 07:30

Of course he's a bloody weirdo!

A normal man wouldn't want to put himself in that position, as he'd be all too aware of how it looks.

OP, YANBU.

JMSA · 27/08/2023 07:32

So weird. There was a thread on here recently, about male babysitters and how the vast majority would never have one.

Yet a lone man sitting in a pool full of toddlers is totally acceptable.

Hmm
Fraaahnces · 27/08/2023 07:35

Speak to management about whether he has a legitimate reason to be sitting there. Sounds suss to me.

KiraDanvers · 27/08/2023 07:37

If there are toddlers in the pool I assume their mothers are in the pool with them. I have no idea what the man is doing in the pool, but who knows, maybe he likes looking at mums.

BeattyV · 27/08/2023 07:39

JMSA · 27/08/2023 07:32

So weird. There was a thread on here recently, about male babysitters and how the vast majority would never have one.

Yet a lone man sitting in a pool full of toddlers is totally acceptable.

Hmm

I would never choose a male babysitter to be alone with my DC, I'd ask an experienced woman not some random bloke.

A guy sitting in a pool? I can ignore him. He doesn't have access to my children or even any electronic devices, he's just bobbing about. You can report him if he's being weird like staring or getting close. I'd suggest to management that they have a no line adult rule because it sounds like a good idea

Long story short, these scenarios aren't identical.

cameldigits · 27/08/2023 08:03

I think you could mention it to the staff

See what happens

I actually don't think a lone man has the right to be in the kids pool

I don't care what conditions he may or may not have . He should have more social awareness

Children's safety and wellbeing trumps every thing else