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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“You are so lucky”

137 replies

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:04

Does anyone else hate this phrase when actually, luck has nothing to do with the situation?

We have recently bought our forever home. I’m not being modest when I say it’s nothing spectacular - it’s a standard sized three bed semi. It was recently done up before we bought it - not to a high spec or anything (eg you can tell the kitchen is not of high quality, cheap appliances, etc) - but basically nothing needs immediate attention but we will need to upgrade some things within the next 5 or so years.

Our previous home was smaller and needed quite a bit of work; we stuck it out for a long time, allowing us to save enough to afford this house.

We have had zero financial help from anyone to get this house; and we have made a lot of sacrifices for many years to be able to afford it. We both work full time, we have worked hard to get “decent” jobs (we are not wealthy by a long shot) and we have a fairly large mortgage which we will be paying until retirement (unless our financial position changes of course)

AIBU to hate it when other family and friends constantly tell us how “lucky” we are - especially friends who earn the same as us and have chose to prioritise travel/social life for the past 10+ years whilst we have stayed in almost every weekend and maybe spent a few nights away in the UK every second year, whilst our friends have been to Bali/the Maldives/cruises etc?

Now I understand that some of this is luck, for example we have been healthy enough to work, we have had healthy children who don’t need extensive care etc, but the friends who are making these comments have been similarly fortunate, and actually have had family helping them financially with deposits/with free childcare, so actually are probably more “lucky” than us.

AIBU to hate people assigning “luck” to situations which are nothing to do with luck, and actually a lot to do with hard work and sacrifice?

OP posts:
CorylusAgain · 26/08/2023 11:11

I can understand it could be irritating but you can ignore and get on with enjoying your home and life.

You accept that in the grand scheme of things luck has played a part in the life you enjoy alongside your hard work and lifestyle choices. I'm sure the comments will cease soon enough.

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:16

CorylusAgain · 26/08/2023 11:11

I can understand it could be irritating but you can ignore and get on with enjoying your home and life.

You accept that in the grand scheme of things luck has played a part in the life you enjoy alongside your hard work and lifestyle choices. I'm sure the comments will cease soon enough.

Yes, we have not long moved in and have had a constant stream of nosey visitors keen to see the house. I’m sure it will settle down, but it’s happened maybe three times in the last week or so.

My passive aggressive side wants to reply “well you were lucky to go to Bali” but I’m trying to be the bigger person by bitching about them anonymously

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2023 11:16

People say, ‘lucky you’ to mean ‘how lovely for you’ I think. So if someone says they’re off to Spain for the week, they might get a ‘lucky you!’ in the same way. It’s nothing to do with luck-just means something nice is happening.

If you want to reply, you could say, ‘more years of saving, than luck, but we are happy!’

LavaMonkey · 26/08/2023 11:17

Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2023 11:16

People say, ‘lucky you’ to mean ‘how lovely for you’ I think. So if someone says they’re off to Spain for the week, they might get a ‘lucky you!’ in the same way. It’s nothing to do with luck-just means something nice is happening.

If you want to reply, you could say, ‘more years of saving, than luck, but we are happy!’

This.

You're over thinking it.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/08/2023 11:22

It's a fundamental difference in mindset - some people will always attribute things to lucky/fate/chance and others to the result of their own actions. The truth is, as ever, often somewhere in the middle. But you can't change people's minds. Only be comfortable with your own take on it. Pay no attention to them.

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:26

LavaMonkey · 26/08/2023 11:17

This.

You're over thinking it.

Show quote history

For the majority of people who visited, that’s probably true.

One friend, I don’t think so.

They walked around the whole place, telling us “I hope you realise how lucky you are!” Several times.

That friend has similar earnings to us, one extra child (all healthy) and lives in a similarly sized house which is similarly decorated (tbh probably to a higher standard than ours).

They also compared their house to ours at every opportunity (I think our kitchen is smaller than this? Where did you get your sofa from, it looks similar to ours? How much was that lamp? I might get one for my bedroom. Oh this room is a little smaller than our third room.) which maybe made the whole thing seem insincere.

Part of me thinks it is because people spent a long time looking down on us because we seemed to live “poorly” in a small house in need of big repairs, we never had holidays and fancy cars etc, (because we were saving - but they didn’t know this) and now that we have “come up in the world” it must be down to luck.

OP posts:
HawnyThorn · 26/08/2023 11:34

Just enjoy it. And remove the word 'luck' if it annoys you.

Replace it with fortunate.

You are fortunate in the sense you don't have disabilities. You're fortunate you were able to access education that worked for you. You were fortunate you got jobs you applied for. You were fortunate you were approved for a mortgage. You're fortunate you found someone to build a life with and buy a house with when many single people would not be able to no matter how hard they worked. You're fortunate your kids have no additional needs. You're fortunate DP hasn't left you in the lurch. You're fortunate that you didn't lose your incomes during a pandemic.

It is not the case anymore that working hard equals and making certain certain lifestyle choices equals being a home owner. Many people do the same and won't be able to be home-owners.

I agree the word 'luck' may be annoying but I guarantee you had some advantages that don't apply to everyone and were out of your control.

Don't get pissy or feel superior to anyone else, feel 'fortunate' because that's what they mean.

Moomin37 · 26/08/2023 11:37

This would really annoy me too because at best it downplays all your hard work and sacrifices and at worst it completely ignores them. I have been in the same position and it's very frustrating and feels insulting.

pipppp · 26/08/2023 11:37

I'm with you, OP. Thinking of everything in terms of "luck" devalues all of your hard work.

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 26/08/2023 11:45

We have just moved and we have had requests to visit by people not seen for years! Cheeky sods. I wait for the 'I'd love to see the house', not me then?
Lots of how much is your mortgage etc. We were in rented for years and they suspect the money came from unusual sources. It didn't. I had a massive bonus from a company I brought in £4m of new business in 7 months. It was my last chance to get back on the property ladder. I think there are a lot of competitive people out there. We also buy our cars and drive them for 10 years +

HarlanPepper · 26/08/2023 11:48

It's just something people say without really thinking about it. What would you prefer? That people praised you for being an all round better person than they are?

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:53

HarlanPepper · 26/08/2023 11:48

It's just something people say without really thinking about it. What would you prefer? That people praised you for being an all round better person than they are?

Where did I say I’m a better person than them? 😂

The people in question earn roughly the same as us; they just enjoyed looking down on us previously and now that we have “come up in the world” they are uncomfortable that we now have something to show for our money whereas before we didn’t (since it was all tied up in savings which they didn’t necessarily know about)

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 26/08/2023 11:54

I probably would just reply with something along the lines of 'Yes, moving here has made all of the uneventful weekends and lack of holidays feel very worthwhile! I'm so glad we saved as hard as we did.'

I don't mean in a sassy or sarcastic way, but with a friendly, warm smile. I'm sure it is likely how you feel. Well done.

lapsedbookworm · 26/08/2023 11:56

Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2023 11:16

People say, ‘lucky you’ to mean ‘how lovely for you’ I think. So if someone says they’re off to Spain for the week, they might get a ‘lucky you!’ in the same way. It’s nothing to do with luck-just means something nice is happening.

If you want to reply, you could say, ‘more years of saving, than luck, but we are happy!’

This. " Lucky you" because they are pleased for you.

And you are right to acknowledge that whilst you can give yourself credit for the hard work and the determination, there is is a big element of luck.

I worked hard, saved hard, went without, to buy and keep a house as a single mum. Now live in a very nice house, with well paid and flexible job. Lots of that was hard work and planning and tenacity but so much of it was good fortune too- good fortune to have a stable home life and a strong academic brain, good luck to have decent employers who supported me when I was ill, and when I was homeless with small children (after leaving abusive ex), good luck to have spotted the job advert that has given me such a satisfying and well remunerated but flexible career- I literally spotted it the day applications closed and typed my application up furiously with a small child crawling at my feet, tenacity yes, but also good fortune to have spotted it.

So yeah, despite all the hard work, I mainly feel very lucky

Agree it is frustrating to see people not realise they could buy if they reprioritised, and they may well eventually realise and regret their decisions. But I think you can also accept your good fortune that you have been able to buy the home you wanted.

Littlemissalone · 26/08/2023 11:56

I think you need a breezy comment to say back, something along the lines of "oh no haha we saved hard for this" or "haha nope not luck, just hard work and lots of saving".

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:56

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 26/08/2023 11:45

We have just moved and we have had requests to visit by people not seen for years! Cheeky sods. I wait for the 'I'd love to see the house', not me then?
Lots of how much is your mortgage etc. We were in rented for years and they suspect the money came from unusual sources. It didn't. I had a massive bonus from a company I brought in £4m of new business in 7 months. It was my last chance to get back on the property ladder. I think there are a lot of competitive people out there. We also buy our cars and drive them for 10 years +

Yes!

It’s the same when my eldest was born - people crawling out the woodwork to “see the baby” then vanishing, only to reappear when we move house.

Ironically nobody gave two stuffs when the second baby was born.

I posted a photo of the new keys on Facebook (no indication of where the new house was/what the house looked like/whether we owned or rented) and someone I worked with a decade ago messaged asking when the housewarming was 🙃

Its next Saturday, and you aren’t invited Susan.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 26/08/2023 11:56

I’m just wondering how people would acknowledge the fact that you worked hard for your house. “Lovely house, you’ve worked so hard for this.” Somehow it doesn’t sound quite right to me.

But I don’t think I’d say you were lucky either. I think it’s a bit odd. I’d probably just admire the house and any particular features (beautiful fireplace etc) and maybe ask about how you’re settling into the area. The friend doing the comparisons is out of order!

Desecratedcoconut · 26/08/2023 11:57

Bad luck can make a mockery of hard work and savings as quickly as you can click your fingers.

CorylusAgain · 26/08/2023 11:58

The people in question earn roughly the same as us; they just enjoyed looking down on us previously and now that we have “come up in the world” they are uncomfortable that we now have something to show for our money

Your friendship group sound competitive, mean-spirited and rude. That's the issue.
I've genuinely never come across this with the people I care about.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 11:58

I take like like 'did you have a nice weekend/holiday/did your operation go ok/how was your Christmas or mother's day'

The answer they want is 'yes thanks' not endless details

So saying 'aren't you lucky' or whatever is just 'yes' really

There is not meant to me some indepth analysis over it

Bananaramad · 26/08/2023 12:00

Funny the harder I work the more I save the luckier I get 😉

lapsedbookworm · 26/08/2023 12:00

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 11:58

I take like like 'did you have a nice weekend/holiday/did your operation go ok/how was your Christmas or mother's day'

The answer they want is 'yes thanks' not endless details

So saying 'aren't you lucky' or whatever is just 'yes' really

There is not meant to me some indepth analysis over it

Agreed, it's just a bland easy comment. Doesn't mean much.

HarlanPepper · 26/08/2023 12:01

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:53

Where did I say I’m a better person than them? 😂

The people in question earn roughly the same as us; they just enjoyed looking down on us previously and now that we have “come up in the world” they are uncomfortable that we now have something to show for our money whereas before we didn’t (since it was all tied up in savings which they didn’t necessarily know about)

Show quote history

You didn't? You were just dissatisfied with the compliment because it didn't acknowledge your dedication, hard work and sacrifice. So I asked you what compliment you would prefer. Or would it be better if they said nothing?

HarlanPepper · 26/08/2023 12:02

Though clearly, from your other posts. you don't seem to like your friends very much.

RudsyFarmer · 26/08/2023 12:02

I don’t know. I think I’d accept the comment to be honest as we are lucky to be living in a democracy. We are lucky to be gainfully employed. We are lucky to have food to eat. I feel exceptionally lucky to have met my OH who has made it possible for me to have my kids and my home.

So why not he gracious and nod along and say ‘yes, we are exceptionally lucky to have created the life we have’ and that pretty much says everything you need to say.