“You are so lucky”

[SamAndEIIa]

Does anyone else hate this phrase when actually, luck has nothing to do with the situation?

We have recently bought our forever home. I’m not being modest when I say it’s nothing spectacular - it’s a standard sized three bed semi. It was recently done up before we bought it - not to a high spec or anything (eg you can tell the kitchen is not of high quality, cheap appliances, etc) - but basically nothing needs immediate attention but we will need to upgrade some things within the next 5 or so years.

Our previous home was smaller and needed quite a bit of work; we stuck it out for a long time, allowing us to save enough to afford this house.

We have had zero financial help from anyone to get this house; and we have made a lot of sacrifices for many years to be able to afford it. We both work full time, we have worked hard to get “decent” jobs (we are not wealthy by a long shot) and we have a fairly large mortgage which we will be paying until retirement (unless our financial position changes of course)

AIBU to hate it when other family and friends constantly tell us how “lucky” we are - especially friends who earn the same as us and have chose to prioritise travel/social life for the past 10+ years whilst we have stayed in almost every weekend and maybe spent a few nights away in the UK every second year, whilst our friends have been to Bali/the Maldives/cruises etc?

Now I understand that some of this is luck, for example we have been healthy enough to work, we have had healthy children who don’t need extensive care etc, but the friends who are making these comments have been similarly fortunate, and actually have had family helping them financially with deposits/with free childcare, so actually are probably more “lucky” than us.

AIBU to hate people assigning “luck” to situations which are nothing to do with luck, and actually a lot to do with hard work and sacrifice?

You are lucky. I think luck ALWAYS has a part to play in someway, more for some than others, and it would do you good to be humble and realise it.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am today, but it hasn't all been hard work, I was lucky to be born into a family that loved me and supported me, I'm lucky to have my physical and mental health, I'm lucky to have found a life partner who supports my life, I'm lucky my children are healthy, I'm lucky I have a reasonable level of intelligence, there's been luck in the timing of some of the opportunities I've been able to seize. I've had obstacles along the way too of course.

Having luck does not mean you haven't worked hard, but you should always be grateful for what you have and part of that is recognising the privilege of what helped you get there. You may not have experienced all or any of the above, some people's paths are no doubt much harder than others, but it is a worthwhile task recognising the areas out of your control that have helped you, to keep you humble and grateful.

Most people who say this aren't thinking as deeply as you are. They love your house, you're lucky to have found such a nice place etc.
The occasional person who does genuinely attribute it to luck is doing so because there is comfort for some in believing that fate has been less kind to them.
Regardless, your reward for your frugality and sacrifice is your lovely new home. Other people don't need to give you a round of applause for you to be proud of it and of yourselves.

My mum made a sort of similar comment when she described our son as 'privileged' to have gone to private school! No, fucking hard work, old car, small house etc. paid for it! No silver spoons here!

You worked hard. Your son was privileged.

But surely your son is privileged to have hard working parents who prioritised his education?

OP I think like @xPaloma says there are people who like their pecking order to stay the same.
The mummy mafia for example.
My family acknowledge I earn big bucks but also at some point I will be sacked because I cost too much. I then 'rest' for a bit. I build up companies. Now unless you have known me for thirty years you wouldn't think I had a bean. We lost a lot of money 15 years ago. I had elderly parents and small children. We then had a business burgled and the insurance didn't pay out. We were poor for over a decade. We didn't have holidays or new cars. I bought everything secondhand. I once had £14.53 for a weeks shopping (it's printed in my heart). I quietly sold my jewellery and pictures.
After our last parent passed I went back to work and got a huge job where age was welcomed. Luckily (?) I made a massive impact.
My friends from the school gate don't like it. Yesterday one told me to retire as it must be too much for me! I too had the charity castoffs and the how much to everything as if I was spending their money and shouldn't be. I once made the mistake of telling one women my troubles when she found me crying. She has never stopped calling me 'poor match'. I would love to tell them my salary over the last three years but it wouldn't help me. It would be round the town like a dose of salts. I did enjoy watching one of them pleed poverty yesterday (she's a millionaire). She was hoping someone else was buying her breakfast. I was laughing into my purse.
Enjoy your house. You've earned it.

@SamAndEIIa
Understand your frustration OP - but from what you say, most of the people who have said this to you are using the 'Lucky You' phrase in a nice way, without being patronising or envious or anything else. The one you DID pick out, I agree did sound bitchy when comparing your house/contents to theirs - but you'll always get some like this. Just try to ignore

I have never got on with my Sister, however I have to bite my tongue very hard when she starts on with the 'You are so lucky' and then bemoans her own situation ( she is simply jealous). Yes some 'good fortunes' are nothing to do with us as people, just being in the right place at the right time with regards to work, houses, pensions etc But many things we have are also partly down to, or even entirely the results of choices we make in our lives. Where we work, what we spend our money on - what our priorities in life are etc. etc. Other people's choices are neither right nor wrong, they are what they are. But the end results may be vastly different as you say. My Sister and I made different choices when we were much younger and the results are different too!

Enjoy your new home!

Sorry @Parques but you are hard working, your son is privileged to benefit from you prioritising his education over your own long term financial situation (if you’d saved that money or invested it etc you’d be in a stronger position when he is 18 than you now will be.)

I get it but doubt you will find little support from MN on this one!

I find the phrase different strokes for different folks whenever I get similar comments and a shrug works well at shutting it down!

We prioritise travel over most things (and are very good at finding bargains through research knowing the last minute times to book etc) live modesty (other then childcare bill) but do go away both in the UK and abroad. I chose a STEM career which gives me these opportunities and self funded through 2 degrees.

But I have a friend who constantly comments "it's all right for some" and similar. They pay half the childcare as have family which do it half the week, have a greater combined income (her DH is a tosspot so likes to boast about their salaries) and generally they choose to spend their money in different ways with nights out, expensive sports clubs and trading cars every 3 years.
I used to feel guilty but not anymore and now shrug and say different strokes! Which I think annoys her but she does know they could afford the same if they wanted to change their lifestyle the difference is they don't want to but feel jealous of others!

💯

OP seems to think all of her hard work and wise decisions include meeting someone who wanted to build a life, buy houses and have DC with her and not only that, but she chose right and he hasn't fucked off.

All of OPs posts including her ones about IVF state that OP and her DP just worked harder so of course they were able to pay and rewarded with DC.

But she is luckier than someone whose mother dies and left them nothing. It's all relative.

To suggest someone who has had to do IVF for their child(ren) due to a condition which caused them to lose several babies (including one in second trimester and one in third) is “lucky” is pretty fucked up.

In fact, it’s not pretty fucked up, it’s very fucked up.

If it bothers you that much respond. Say 'No, nothing to do with luck, more about sacrifices over the years. No trips to Bali for us.....Still, people have different priorities don't they. Ours was our home.

Sure, I’ll tell her that. I’m sure she’ll be so grateful.

Yeah you watched your mum die a slow, painful death, but at least she was rich!

There was one couple up the road from me who everyone thought was “so lucky”. Husband was good looking with his own business, his wife was rather cattily referred to by neighbours snd school mums as a character in a BBC sitcom. They seemed to have it all according to neighbours/school mums, did all the local neighbourhood trips like farmers market every weekend. Then this year the DH committed suicide (sorry if incorrect term) and turned out he’d been depressed for months.

Most people seem to be so lucky from external viewpoints. People see me as single in a smell house more cottage as being “so lucky” but I’ve had help to buy it, until recently was renting out a spare room to afford the mortgage and even now, yes, I have a job but it’s certainly not my perfect career and things are unstable. I work to pay the bills. Another friend of mine you’d think is so lucky because she’s constantly on holiday or seeing concerts but she can’t afford a mortgage and lost her sister tragically young due to sudden illness over covid. Another friend’s DH died after after battling cancer for 3 times in his early 50s, 6 months later she met her second DH and is travelling the world and living life yet she’s been told by some “you’re so lucky”. Well yes but she and her DC miss their dad/widow.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

@SamAndEIIa you need to learn to be grateful for what you have rather than being bitter for the work you've had to put in or the obstacles, because you need to realise that there are people out there who also work hard or have difficult journeys but don't end up with what you have.

Exactly this. No one is thinking that deeply about it when they say it (except for you!)

My husband and I bought our house early in life and did so all on our own, saved incredibly hard and went without lots in order to get a deposit together very quickly. I feel very lucky indeed, and if someone remarks that I'm lucky then it's just another moment to remind myself to be grateful.

What don't you understand?

I think you don’t understand what privilege means?

You do realise that lots of people could never afford private schools for their kids?

No matter how hard they worked?

If you look at your DCs school fees and can somehow figure how it would be affordable for any family, then it wouldn't be a privilege.

Can you do that? Do you know what privilege means?

Do you think your DM is lying and your DC is not privileged?

If its not a privilege, and the DC in state schools receive the same education and the same opportunities in life, why are you working so hard to pay for it?

That seems silly....

Isn't it just something people say? Because it sounds better than "you made good choices". It's often said as a kind of half-truth as well. I might look around your house and think it's utilitarian and characterless with little potential (while living in a complete building-site myself but that I think has bags of character and potential in the long-term). But I'm hardly going to say that to you. So instead, I might say "Wow, you're so lucky you don't need to do anything, we're going to be living in a muddle for years with everything we've got to do". This has the merit of actually being sincere from my perspective (I would prefer not to have to do the work!) but it doesn't mean I prefer your house or want your life overall.

No. You're absolutely lucky. IVF statistics are not great, if you went through that then you know that?

Or did you have an IVF specialist that told you you're guaranteed a baby depending on how much you pay for more cycles?

I'd be extremely interested to hear about them. As would any medical regulatory body.

I'm veering towards thinking you're not telling the truth if you don't think you were lucky to conceive via IVF and you were rewarded with a baby because of the money you spent.

Is it just me who wants a 'You Made Good Choices' Hallmark card option now? 😁

They were lucky to have a fab holiday, you are lucky you have a lovely house. A lot of people have neither. I couldn't be bothered to extract out exact acknowledgement of your sacrifice, it's all a bit of a pointless and negative conversation, have fun with friends and acknowledge you all spend your money a bit differently.

Fair point 👍🏽

I was lucky to conceive through IVF (although I had all the statistics on my side - a known and treatable fertility issue, age, non smoker, living child, no male factor, weight, etc)

If we are looking at statistics, conceiving through IVF was far, far more likely than the issues which lead to needing IVF in the first place - the condition I have is pretty rare, far far far rarer than succeeding at IVF. I also had three ectopic pregnancies resulting in me losing both my fallopian tubes; to have one ectopic is pretty rare; to have three is very rare indeed.

I don’t think anyone who has been through IVF feels particularly lucky; I feel far more lucky that I had my first child without IVF than I do that I had my second with IVF.

I think it's the context. When I was single and didn't have children (not a situation I would have chosen), a friend kept saying I was so lucky I could be as selfish as I wanted, presumably unlike her who had had the luck to meet a lovely man who luckily wanted to marry her and then luckily had two healthy children, luckily exactly when she wanted them with no issues. Hmm.

When a few years later I was undergoing ivf, another friend trotted out the you're so lucky you can do ivf line during my first round, which failed. Again, not a situation I would have chosen, and this friend had been lucky enough not to need any fertility treatment to have her children.

So I think in a shitty situation which someone hasn't chosen and where they are just trying to make the best of things, it's probably the worst thing to say. It's like going up to someone in a wheelchair and telling them they're lucky not to have to get tired legs from walking around all day.

In your situation, op, when it's a situation you've chosen and worked hard for, I appreciate it might be infuriating, but it's just an expression. The problem is that the alternative of acknowledging the effort eg well done, you worked hard for that, could sound patronising, but that is really what they mean by saying you've been fortunate.