“You are so lucky”

[SamAndEIIa]

Does anyone else hate this phrase when actually, luck has nothing to do with the situation?

We have recently bought our forever home. I’m not being modest when I say it’s nothing spectacular - it’s a standard sized three bed semi. It was recently done up before we bought it - not to a high spec or anything (eg you can tell the kitchen is not of high quality, cheap appliances, etc) - but basically nothing needs immediate attention but we will need to upgrade some things within the next 5 or so years.

Our previous home was smaller and needed quite a bit of work; we stuck it out for a long time, allowing us to save enough to afford this house.

We have had zero financial help from anyone to get this house; and we have made a lot of sacrifices for many years to be able to afford it. We both work full time, we have worked hard to get “decent” jobs (we are not wealthy by a long shot) and we have a fairly large mortgage which we will be paying until retirement (unless our financial position changes of course)

AIBU to hate it when other family and friends constantly tell us how “lucky” we are - especially friends who earn the same as us and have chose to prioritise travel/social life for the past 10+ years whilst we have stayed in almost every weekend and maybe spent a few nights away in the UK every second year, whilst our friends have been to Bali/the Maldives/cruises etc?

Now I understand that some of this is luck, for example we have been healthy enough to work, we have had healthy children who don’t need extensive care etc, but the friends who are making these comments have been similarly fortunate, and actually have had family helping them financially with deposits/with free childcare, so actually are probably more “lucky” than us.

AIBU to hate people assigning “luck” to situations which are nothing to do with luck, and actually a lot to do with hard work and sacrifice?

A "friend" of mine has often told me how "lucky" I am that I don't go to work - I'm 64, worked hard all my life, until a stroke 2 years ago put a stop to that. Lucky? Yes, I must be.....

@SamAndEIIa
Quote "I posted a photo of the new keys on Facebook (no indication of where the new house was/what the house looked like/whether we owned or rented) and someone I worked with a decade ago messaged asking when the housewarming was 🙃

Its next Saturday, and you aren’t invited Susan."

I don't think people can win with you. You posted on Facebook inviting attention and then are annoyed by a perfectly ordinary comment. Would you prefer "no-one gives a fuck S&E?" Or you prefer they ignore you - easy solution to that- don't posted it on Facebook.

You never know what's going on in other people's lives.

It's great you're living in a lovely house. The luck (that you admit to) that's led you there is a blessing.

Luck isn't a zero sum game. I think YABU.

Sorry you took me up wrong I meant it only in relation to having money , and slightly tongue in cheek not relationships health etc. As the OP is being told she's lucky she bought a house. I'm sorry for your diagnosis and nothing is worth more than our health, as I know only too well.

If it were me personally OP and the people/friends who are commenting you’re so lucky when they visit you, you either have the option to call them out on this or ignore them or just let friendship tail off/keep it at a controlled length.

My 4 best friends (yes I did used to have more!) are all people I’d say I’m not competitive with at all. When we see each others houses/meet the families we don’t comment as to how lucky each other is, as that’s not the basis on which our friendship is based.

The ex best friend who I’d say I was maybe competitive with (more from her side not mine) was always more about the big, perfectly decorated house and chose her partner partly based on that, when we fell out her best friend told me “S always wanted the big perfect house and would drop friendships for it”. Good for her but that’s not the way I work. I’m just not that competitive and don’t keep up with the Jones’.

Could have written this op, exactly the same boat.

Spent the last 15 years scrimping and saving to buy our first home, at almost 40. Got it at a good price so have used to extra to re carpet and get some nicer things than we would usually get.

'Oh wow. You're very lucky'

'Hmm I couldn't justify new carpet, you're very lucky'

No.... we're not. We worked and saved and made sacrifices to get here. It's not luck!!

Enjoy your new home op

I think it depends on how the person says it. You can often tell when someone is meaning it in a "lucky you off on a nice holiday" type way or more the "it's alright for some it's not fair" type way.
I had a friend as a teenager and we were both in very similar positions. Both only children. Both lived at home and we WERE both lucky that our parents were happy to fund us while we were studying etc. At 18 I chose to go to uni, she chose to "work". Only she didn't really work. She signed on (we're going back a lot of years when it was much easier to just get job seekers or whatever it was called). Her dad still continued to fund her as well though. We carried on not really discussing our different life choices as it really didn't matter to the friendship. We were just having fun as we always did. 3 years later after I finished uni I got offered a good job on fairly good wages for my age. My friend was still unemployed and living at home and being partially funded by her parents.
That's when she changed. When I told her I got my new job she just rolled her eyes and said "urgh it's alright for some being so lucky in life!" I wasn't any luckier than her. I'd just made different choices. Yet she seemed jealous and annoyed at me for now having more money. For the next few years our friendship struggled on but she always went on about how lucky I was and she never wanted to pay for anything, always expecting me to pay because I was so lucky having a well paid job etc. We drifted apart a few years later but 25 years later I still occasionally have the odd text with her. When I bought a new house a few years ago she only commented "lucky you!!!!!!". So I know exactly how she means that. She's now married with 2 kids. But still doesn't work as her husband earns the money. Which is totally fine. But it doesn't make me any luckier than she is not having to work. Her husband doesn't earn enough that they can buy a house so she thinks I'm lucky because i did. But they chose to prioritise her being a stay at home mum. Which is a perfectly fine choice. But that choice meant they can't buy a house. My choice meant I could.

It's just something people say.

You've bought a standard 3 bed semi. I doubt people really care that much. They are just being nice. When your friends by houses you get excited and say "this is lovely, how lucky" or "I'm happy for you'

Most people work hard tbh. There's many people who work incredibly hard in this world and haven't just a bought their forever home. When things go well for me I do feel lucky, even though I've worked hard

On another flip side when I was a teenager (19-20) and in touch with my half siblings from my dad’s third marriage I was told by my younger half sister who’s 7 years younger how lucky we were to have a large Victorian house. Theirs was a 1930s semi and had to house parents, and 3 kids.

DM wanted and got the house in the divorce but then rented out rooms to lodgers and part of the top floor as a mini flat. She had social services coming to the door accusing her of being a prostitute with the lodgers and had to get a guarantor loan to be able to afford the mortgage from a close family friend. Her DM who is/was very wealthy did nothing to help apart from pay to put electric meters in. She helped put later. DM also had to cope with a severely asthmatic child who almost died twice when young.

But to several relatives she was “lucky”. When she inherited a significant sum of life changing money from an uncle when we were DC she was accused of sucking up to him even by her own father (not indirectly but she knew!) and of being “lucky”. She was the only niece who cared for him on his deathbed when he had cancer, visited and wrote to him beforehand.

I think to a 12yo living in a large victorian house is lucky!

They were a child ffs! She has no idea as to the complexities of life. She just sees a sibling in a bigger house, which is lucky.

No.... we're not. We worked and saved and made sacrifices to get here. It's not luck!!

Of course there's an element of luck, it really would be nice if it was just a case of hard work = reward, but life isn't like that. You're lucky you had the ability to work hard and save, people are acting so entitled on this thread. It shocks me people are so arrogant they can't see the privilege they've almost definitely experienced, I'm imagining you all going up on stage to receive an award "yes well I absolutely deserve this, it was all me, all my hard work" mic drop.

And MNetters get really pissed off when high earners say they worked hard to get where they are and don't acknowledge the advantages they had...

Everything @Winter2020 said.

I agree with @HawnyThorn that in certain circumstances you can replace lucky with fortunate and it's more appropriate..

In the case of your friends, however, OP, where they have similar incomes, health and circumstances, that would irritate me too.

They should say 'I love it, well done, I wish I had your discipline'.

You could paraphrase Samuel Goldwyn's quote to reply to those who say you're lucky.

...Yes, the harder we've worked and saved the luckier we've got...

It's so funny that this thread is full of posters insisting that you are in fact lucky and also insisting this is just something you say which means the same as "how lovely" when your examples illustrate that it's not the same at all.

I think some people just can't accept someone else having better or equal circumstances to them. People tell me all the time I'm lucky that I "don't work". I bloody do work! But apparently being a writer and content creator doesn't count because it's something other people do for fun. Never mind that it's how I make my living...

People say all kinds of crap to fill silences. It does not always mean anything.

I sometimes find large people tell me I am so lucky that I am slim. It is not luck but I do not correct them. No point really.

Well, you were lucky to be born in a country or move to a country that has given you the opportunities to earn enough to buy a house, so that’s lucky. They’re not wrong.

But yes, as others have said this is a massive overthink as it’s shorthand for “how nice for you to have this lovely place”.

If it’s bothering you enough to feel it is worthy of a whole post on a social platform I will definitely say how lucky that this is your biggest problem though.

Usually it just means 'congratulations; how lovely for you'. After all, Jewish people often use 'mazel tov' (literally 'good luck') to mean 'congratulations'. Obviously, I don't know the people who are saying it, and, if they are saying it in envious or resentful tones, I could understand your being upset; but just the word wouldn't bother me.

When I started teaching my mother was told how 'lucky' I was by her neighbour and her reply was along these lines too! The neighbour's daughter, a few years older than me, had been to the grammar school but left at 15 as she didn't like not going out most nights.

You sound a bit odd OP. Just enjoy what you have.

You sound like you want to look down on those who have made different choices to you. I wouldn't be so smug, yes you may have a decent home now, but sounds like it has come at the cost of years of not having much fun or enjoying life very much.

Body size, like wealth, is partly about luck.
Of course, some people are slim because they have been very unlucky. But still, it’s not entirely about work/effort.

I sometimes find large people tell me I am so lucky that I am slim. It is not luck but I do not correct them.

It's lucky if you have the physical ability to exercise and move, if you have no health issues that cause weight retention, if you have the money and knowledge as to how to eat healthily, and the mental ability to control what you're eating. Not everyone has those things.

@SamAndEIIa I posted a photo of the new keys on Facebook (no indication of where the new house was/what the house looked like/whether we owned or rented) and someone I worked with a decade ago messaged asking when the housewarming was 🙃

This could be an example of a totally normal, not particularly funny, jokey thing that people say. Like when you say you're going on holiday and someone says 'ooh take me in your suitcase!' or you go on a first date and someone asks if they should buy a hat. They don't really mean it, it's just shit people say.

It does sound like you have a chip on your shoulder - I mean maybe the one person you felt was making snidey comments genuinely was, in which case stop socialising with that person and stop telling them your business. But somehow all these people from your OP who you implied were somehow jealous went from spending all their money on travel so not having their priorities right, to all owning property regardless due to family money. In which case who cares if they travelled? It doesn't really make sense.

I sometimes find large people tell me I am so lucky that I am slim. It is not luck but I do not correct them. No point really.

🤣