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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“You are so lucky”

137 replies

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:04

Does anyone else hate this phrase when actually, luck has nothing to do with the situation?

We have recently bought our forever home. I’m not being modest when I say it’s nothing spectacular - it’s a standard sized three bed semi. It was recently done up before we bought it - not to a high spec or anything (eg you can tell the kitchen is not of high quality, cheap appliances, etc) - but basically nothing needs immediate attention but we will need to upgrade some things within the next 5 or so years.

Our previous home was smaller and needed quite a bit of work; we stuck it out for a long time, allowing us to save enough to afford this house.

We have had zero financial help from anyone to get this house; and we have made a lot of sacrifices for many years to be able to afford it. We both work full time, we have worked hard to get “decent” jobs (we are not wealthy by a long shot) and we have a fairly large mortgage which we will be paying until retirement (unless our financial position changes of course)

AIBU to hate it when other family and friends constantly tell us how “lucky” we are - especially friends who earn the same as us and have chose to prioritise travel/social life for the past 10+ years whilst we have stayed in almost every weekend and maybe spent a few nights away in the UK every second year, whilst our friends have been to Bali/the Maldives/cruises etc?

Now I understand that some of this is luck, for example we have been healthy enough to work, we have had healthy children who don’t need extensive care etc, but the friends who are making these comments have been similarly fortunate, and actually have had family helping them financially with deposits/with free childcare, so actually are probably more “lucky” than us.

AIBU to hate people assigning “luck” to situations which are nothing to do with luck, and actually a lot to do with hard work and sacrifice?

OP posts:
Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:16

LardoBurrows · 26/08/2023 12:03

I would be inclined to challenge their comment and their viewpoint by saying something like "I'm not sure luck had much to do with it, I think it was going without holidays abroad, spending evenings at home and saving like crazy that had more to do with it."

That’s a good response and much more measured with what I wanted to say, whilst covering the same sentiment.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDress · 26/08/2023 12:17

Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2023 11:16

People say, ‘lucky you’ to mean ‘how lovely for you’ I think. So if someone says they’re off to Spain for the week, they might get a ‘lucky you!’ in the same way. It’s nothing to do with luck-just means something nice is happening.

If you want to reply, you could say, ‘more years of saving, than luck, but we are happy!’

Yes this is my interpretation when people Sat "oh lucky you" and similar!

SchoolQuestionnaire · 26/08/2023 12:18

Marynotsocontrary · 26/08/2023 12:06

The people in question earn roughly the same as us; they just enjoyed looking down on us previously and now that we have “come up in the world” they are uncomfortable that we now have something to show for our money whereas before we didn’t (since it was all tied up in savings which they didn’t necessarily know about)

You sound like you have quite a large chip on your shoulder. Forget about what other people do or think - you might well be wrong in your (over)analysis anyway.
As a pp said, most people use lucky simply to mean how lovely.

Agree with this.

Op your interpretation of the situation may be way off. We had people say that we are lucky to live in our home. I don’t take it as an insult or assume that they think that we haven’t worked hard or whatever. I just assume that it’s a nice comment and to be honest, we are lucky. I wouldn’t have taken the lamp comment as a negative either. I’d have thought my friend liked my lamp so much that she wants one for her own house.

I mean, you know better than we do as you were there but I do think that it might be worth stopping to look at how much of this is your own assumption rather than them enjoying looking down on you. If you really do feel like this then you should end the friendship.

LakeTiticaca · 26/08/2023 12:20

You are not being unreasonable and these are the same people who complain about those who inherited money from their parents, those parents who worked hard and went without luxuries to buy a family home, while others spent their mobey on sunshine holidays, nice cars, socialising etc

Marynotsocontrary · 26/08/2023 12:21

So walking round someone’s new house repeating “I hope you realise how lucky you are” whilst comparing their belongings to your own is them saying “how lovely”

That is one person, who you really don't have to stay friends with if they get on your nerves all the time @SamAndEIIa.
Your OP said you were having issues with family and friends "constantly" telling you that you're lucky? I think you're overthinking it and I don't think it's doing you any good, because instead of feeling happy and delighted with your new house you're on here complaining.

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:22

SchoolQuestionnaire · 26/08/2023 12:18

Agree with this.

Op your interpretation of the situation may be way off. We had people say that we are lucky to live in our home. I don’t take it as an insult or assume that they think that we haven’t worked hard or whatever. I just assume that it’s a nice comment and to be honest, we are lucky. I wouldn’t have taken the lamp comment as a negative either. I’d have thought my friend liked my lamp so much that she wants one for her own house.

I mean, you know better than we do as you were there but I do think that it might be worth stopping to look at how much of this is your own assumption rather than them enjoying looking down on you. If you really do feel like this then you should end the friendship.

Show quote history

I said elsewhere - you might have missed it - these people aren’t immediate friends in my close circle or anything. One was a work colleague (hence me knowing how much they earn!) and visited on the guise of bringing a housewarming present - it just seemed nosey and off from the get go as they aren’t particularly people we would normally have visit.

The lamp in question had been in our previous house too; which again shows how infrequently they visited 😂

OP posts:
HawnyThorn · 26/08/2023 12:24

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:12

As you see if you read my posts, I am lucky because my own health is (now) good, and I have healthy children. These are both pure luck.

However, I had to pay for IVF to have my youngest.
I had a horrible journey to get both my children.
We had very serious health issues a while ago.
We both lost our jobs at different times, and for a long time we had more in bills than we did coming in, yet got no financial help.

None of our successes came easy to us, it was pure hard work and sacrifice. And I’d never say I’m “not lucky” to someone who is objectively less fortunate than us.

Even if we had been very lucky; we still wouldn’t have got to where we are today without a lot of hard work too.

Show quote history

And you're lucky or fortunate that you had the money to pay for IVF.

Can you not enjoy what you have without making judgement about other people and getting pissed off about your perception that they don't deserve the things you do because they made different choices?

You're healthy, you own a nice home and you've got children you wanted.

Honestly, can you not just enjoy your life?what is getting pissy about other people thinking you're lucky or fortunate adding to your life at this point?

Move on and let it go and be happy. Other people's opinions aren't taking anything away from you.

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:26

Marynotsocontrary · 26/08/2023 12:21

So walking round someone’s new house repeating “I hope you realise how lucky you are” whilst comparing their belongings to your own is them saying “how lovely”

That is one person, who you really don't have to stay friends with if they get on your nerves all the time @SamAndEIIa.
Your OP said you were having issues with family and friends "constantly" telling you that you're lucky? I think you're overthinking it and I don't think it's doing you any good, because instead of feeling happy and delighted with your new house you're on here complaining.

No, we moved here two weeks ago and it’s happened in the two weeks since moving to our new house. It hasn’t been happening constantly for a long time, obviously. And I’m sure it’ll tail off now that the “newness” has worn off.

Friend was just here last night hence making post today.

I think most people are switched on enough to work out that having a 25 year mortgage at an astronomical interest rate to buy a three bed house in a council estate isn’t massively lucky 😂

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 26/08/2023 12:26

"You're so blessed to be such a talented pianist", because its talent, and being "gifted", rather than the result of twenty years bloody practice.

rand0mstuff · 26/08/2023 12:27

Even if we had been very lucky; we still wouldn’t have got to where we are today without a lot of hard work too.

I think this is the point you are missing. Hard work enabled you to buy a house and different things. Some people (such as unpaid carers) work all hours under the sun and will never be able to achieve any of that. Hard work doesn't mean you can afford. Hard work and being lucky means you can. It's really not that hard to understand, is it?

lapsedbookworm · 26/08/2023 12:28

What would you want people to say?

BookwormDadUK · 26/08/2023 12:28

I think two things can be true at the same time: you've made good choices that have involved hard work and sacrifice; and you've been fortunate to have had some of those choices.

We bought our house with no help, but I was fortunate to have had opportunities at work that enabled me to earn enough to save in the first place. We lost 3 babies and self funded 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF before the blessing of falling pregnant naturally.

Counting your blessings doesn't negate your own contribution. No matter our struggles, there are people worse off who would kill for a house or job or family of their own, and see no route to them.

rand0mstuff · 26/08/2023 12:28

you have a house, are healthy and have heathy children. Just enjoy what you have. I don't understand the point of your post tbh .

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:29

HawnyThorn · 26/08/2023 12:24

And you're lucky or fortunate that you had the money to pay for IVF.

Can you not enjoy what you have without making judgement about other people and getting pissed off about your perception that they don't deserve the things you do because they made different choices?

You're healthy, you own a nice home and you've got children you wanted.

Honestly, can you not just enjoy your life?what is getting pissy about other people thinking you're lucky or fortunate adding to your life at this point?

Move on and let it go and be happy. Other people's opinions aren't taking anything away from you.

Show quote history

Again, not lucky or fortunate to have the money for IVF - it took us 5 years to save for it; including borrowing some of the money; and we both had to take on a second job to do so.

OP posts:
lapsedbookworm · 26/08/2023 12:31

Counting your blessings doesn't negate your own contribution. No matter our struggles, there are people worse off who would kill for a house or job or family of their own, and see no route to them.

Agreed. This is how I see it

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:31

lapsedbookworm · 26/08/2023 12:28

What would you want people to say?

Dunno, maybe just “nice house, hope you are happy here” or something. Rather than insisting that I understand my luck 5+ times within 20 minutes?

OP posts:
Eddyraisins · 26/08/2023 12:35

I don't know why people need to say anything apart from oh it's lovely.

I am happy for my friends with a bigger house. I am happy for those with smaller. I would say the same thing to both. Oh this is nice. I like this... what lovely colours. The light is nice in here. This is cozy.
Wouldn't ever comment on luck or hardwork as I think thats a personal thing and nobody really knows peoples luck or sacrifices.
Just be happy for people showing you round.

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:35

rand0mstuff · 26/08/2023 12:28

you have a house, are healthy and have heathy children. Just enjoy what you have. I don't understand the point of your post tbh .

The point of the post is the frustration with people insisting I understand how lucky I am to have a 25 year mortgage at over 6% interest to own a three bed council house; after not doing anything fun for over a decade in order to save for a deposit. Nothing to do with my kids (had they said this after my kids were born I’d have agreed!)

OP posts:
Lockless · 26/08/2023 12:36

I think you possibly need to get over yourself a little - I don't mean this rudely. You ARE lucky in that all the circumstances of your life have allowed you to own a nice home. I say this as someone in the same situation. You have been fortunate that your circumstances have allowed you to have a partner to buy with, someone whose goals were aligned to yours in terms of saving, a decent job (lots of that is luck from decent life circumstances compared to others) etc etc.Lots of people have much worse lives through no fault of their own - you are incredibly lucky and life has worked out for you. You haven't made any huge sacrifices and presumably haven't had to use your finances to say, support an elderly relative or a sibling with learning difficutlies or something. You do sound a little self-satisfied in saying, we worked for this. Lucky you that you could. Don't fall into the trap of small-mindedness in assuming you somehow DESERVE your home as others have been wasting their cash while you have worked hard and saved. Sadly, I think lots of people think that way and can't see past it.

Gallowayan · 26/08/2023 12:36

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 11:04

Does anyone else hate this phrase when actually, luck has nothing to do with the situation?

We have recently bought our forever home. I’m not being modest when I say it’s nothing spectacular - it’s a standard sized three bed semi. It was recently done up before we bought it - not to a high spec or anything (eg you can tell the kitchen is not of high quality, cheap appliances, etc) - but basically nothing needs immediate attention but we will need to upgrade some things within the next 5 or so years.

Our previous home was smaller and needed quite a bit of work; we stuck it out for a long time, allowing us to save enough to afford this house.

We have had zero financial help from anyone to get this house; and we have made a lot of sacrifices for many years to be able to afford it. We both work full time, we have worked hard to get “decent” jobs (we are not wealthy by a long shot) and we have a fairly large mortgage which we will be paying until retirement (unless our financial position changes of course)

AIBU to hate it when other family and friends constantly tell us how “lucky” we are - especially friends who earn the same as us and have chose to prioritise travel/social life for the past 10+ years whilst we have stayed in almost every weekend and maybe spent a few nights away in the UK every second year, whilst our friends have been to Bali/the Maldives/cruises etc?

Now I understand that some of this is luck, for example we have been healthy enough to work, we have had healthy children who don’t need extensive care etc, but the friends who are making these comments have been similarly fortunate, and actually have had family helping them financially with deposits/with free childcare, so actually are probably more “lucky” than us.

AIBU to hate people assigning “luck” to situations which are nothing to do with luck, and actually a lot to do with hard work and sacrifice?

Just reply with "you make your own luck" each time.

Marynotsocontrary · 26/08/2023 12:37

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:26

No, we moved here two weeks ago and it’s happened in the two weeks since moving to our new house. It hasn’t been happening constantly for a long time, obviously. And I’m sure it’ll tail off now that the “newness” has worn off.

Friend was just here last night hence making post today.

I think most people are switched on enough to work out that having a 25 year mortgage at an astronomical interest rate to buy a three bed house in a council estate isn’t massively lucky 😂

Show quote history

Yes, I meant people telling you you're lucky constantly re the house. Ah OP...this really isn't something to get worked up about. You've been through enough to know that.
Enjoy your new home (you lucky thing 😉)

HawnyThorn · 26/08/2023 12:39

SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:29

Again, not lucky or fortunate to have the money for IVF - it took us 5 years to save for it; including borrowing some of the money; and we both had to take on a second job to do so.

Show quote history

What don't you get?

You realise that for many, many people that would not be an option for them because they could never afford it? No matter how hard they worked or how many jobs they worked?

And IVF is entirely based on luck even if you can afford it?

If you seriously think you got DC because you worked harder, had more money and therefore were more deserving...

That's going to be a massive problem here and you should enjoy your house and your kids and stop claiming victimisation or offence because someone said you are lucky.

Original poster
SamAndEIIa · 26/08/2023 12:39

Eddyraisins · 26/08/2023 12:35

I don't know why people need to say anything apart from oh it's lovely.

I am happy for my friends with a bigger house. I am happy for those with smaller. I would say the same thing to both. Oh this is nice. I like this... what lovely colours. The light is nice in here. This is cozy.
Wouldn't ever comment on luck or hardwork as I think thats a personal thing and nobody really knows peoples luck or sacrifices.
Just be happy for people showing you round.

Exactly!

My brother is mortgage free in his 30s. Seems very lucky; except his wife’s mother died and the money came from her inheritance. I’m sure they would far prefer a mortgage, or even to not own a home at all.

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 26/08/2023 12:39

I understand your post op. People want what you have but don’t want to make the sacrifices you made. It’s makes them feel better about their choices (expensive car, multiple holidays , having children before owning a house ) to blame their ‘lack of luck’, when the reality is they just didn’t make good choices.

ScooterTricks · 26/08/2023 12:44

As you have said yourself that your house isn’t anything spectacular, has cheap appliances and is going to need stuff doing to it in the next few years, they’ll be able to see that, so maybe they’re trying to make you feel more positive about it by being a bit over the top with ‘you’re so lucky’.