To not send this man money

[Whatsthescory]

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

One of the issues is that scamming has become so common, it stops people giving to genuine causes

I agree that's an issue, but it's still possible to give by focusing on local concerns where it's easier to keep an eye on things

Admittedly this isn't much use to people in Nigeria, but then we can't help everyone and it's for each individual to decide for themselves

I’m British now but originally from a similar African country and lived there for 23 years.
There are 2 ways to this, there are people who obviously scam people by telling lies and there are those who are genuinely in need of help. This man could be lying but he could genuinely need help because people back where I came from are really suffering.
In Nigeria for example, they had a new president in May this year who removed fuel subsidy the moment he was sworn in and this threw the masses into lots of hardship, everything became more expensive and all, people who were managing on the breadline are becoming destitute. To add, £1 is now upwards of 1000 naira when converted so if your DH sent him £20 for example, this would go a long way and it’ll just be like a charitable donation to you.
Honestly, people saying he’ll be eligible for a small business loan, etc back in Nigeria should check their privileges. You can’t compare a country where things work like the UK to Nigeria. Also don’t think sending money to a charity in Nigeria instead of giving directly to the man is wise, there are lots of charities without checks in that country and are a scam really and your money will not get to intended recipient, just like some charities here where most of your donations go into paying the salaries of rich CEOs.
As he has never asked you for money before, I may be wary that his Facebook account might have been hacked or something so will double check that.
Otherwise, The man has asked you for money and told you what he will be using it for. It’s up to you if you want to give or not, just like if you were giving to someone you can physically see. If you can’t give him it’s fine but there’s no point trying to read all these meanings to things

You don’t really know him though do you?

There are red flags all over this.

It could be anyone. Someone could have hacked his FB a/c.

If it’s him, he should have asked your Husband, not you.

You might as well set up a direct debit as they will be back for more.

Do not send him any money.

@Puzzledandpissedoff I agree, I give to a charity in the UK which is very transparent and I see the amazing volunteers and work they are doing making a tangible difference.

I mean helping people out in the street, things like that. It is discouraging when you feel scammed, and it tends to make me walk faster now when people ask me for things, which is not ideal. I used to stop and help, sometimes we need to help strangers, my dd had to call the ambulance for someone just the other day. It's not good if we stop being pro-social.

Honestly, people saying he’ll be eligible for a small business loan, etc back in Nigeria should check their privileges. You can’t compare a country where things work like the UK to Nigeria. Also don’t think sending money to a charity in Nigeria instead of giving directly to the man is wise, there are lots of charities without checks in that country and are a scam really and your money will not get to intended recipient, just like some charities here where most of your donations go into paying the salaries of rich CEOs.

And this.

This

Sounds so much like this, it's almost untrue...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4538252-to-send-money-to-a-moroccan-taxi-driver?flipped=1&page=1

Based on all your posts, I don't feel this is a scam. This is a guy from a poor country asking a former acquaintance from a rich country for money. Definitely a cultural interplay here.

But really how is this any different from given change or a couple of quid to beggars on the street in the UK? May be scam or may be a legit need. It's a judgement call.

My automatic reaction would be to say no to such a request. But, on thinking about it and with research into the requester, would it be such as loss to send a small amount if I was comfortable.
The things we well-off Brits spend on--meal out, for instance-would likely go a longer way in paying for this person's basic needs in his own country.

To some I'd be seen as a sucker, because in your shoes, I would research his story and possibly send some money via a wiring service such as WISE as a one off, ensuring first it was going to the right person. I would then block on social media. But then I can afford to lose whatever money I chose to send.

I’d send it as well.

And I’m not sure if small business loans during Covid were a thing in Nigeria at any time let alone during the pandemic.

It’s one of the most corrupt countries on earth and people really suffer under their governments.

Well said.

I doubt that you are the only person he has contacted in this way. It may seem hard-hearted but you must unfriend him and not send any money. He is very likely preying on your good nature and your sympathy.

Did he make any suggestion of how to get the money to him? Because an international bank transfer costs a small fortune. For eg if you send 50 pounds, almost half of that would be swallowed up by bank charges.

PayPal isn't huge this way either.

I have empathy for these people who are struggling, including for this man if he's genuine. Unfortunately a large number of scams are traced back to Nigeria. It does make you suspicious, unfortunately.
I invest in businesses through Microfinance from CARE International UK (lendwithcare.org) This helps small businesses in poorer countries.

Right! This is why scammers exist!

Thanks for explaining photo @Whatsthescory

I can't quote a quote on the app

How much has he asked for ?

I find all this navel gazing about donating an amount of money that doesn’t mean much to OP quite distasteful.

This isn’t an email scammer, this is someone OP has known.

Fair enough, no one is obliged to help but all this navel gazing about why he contacted OP and not her DH is so petty.

I have connections to a third world country, we send money to strangers we hear are having problems. We have sometimes been asked for money for reasons that we can’t corroborate. But we know these people are poor and we give what we can afford to give with no expectations of knowing how the money is spent.

I prefer to send money to actual poor people rather than charities who have huge overheads.

This isn’t an email scammer, this is someone OP has known
Oh come off it, this is what the OP said:

. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye

Hardly best buddies are they? Scams come in many forms, and him using the old baby photo is very manipulative..

If he was desperate and needed help that is what he would have said. In an emergency message.

He has a CV and presumably references for the work he was doing when you met him, hard to see why that would make him employable in Nigeria.

You really have no clue about places like Nigeria, Marshy. Even with a Master’s degree some people would struggle to get a job serving in a shop because there are so many people chasing the jobs available. In multinational companies you have a good chance of getting a job on merit, otherwise to get a job you have to be qualified AND have connections.

This.
We (African DH and I) are approached ALL the time. Of course, you can't help everyone, some people are trying it on, and nobody owes anyone anything. But it doesn't mean this man is a scammer.
A friend of DHs recently funded his wedding by calling in a lifetime of IOUs. Family, friends and acquaintances are your savings account and your insurance. That's how it works in much of Africa where there is rampant underemployment and complete absence of an "official" safety net.

I suggested giving to charity or the suggestion of paying it forward in some way ( cafe was an off the cuff idea ) because op said she can afford to pass money on / wants to do something nice etc.

No need to get knickers in a twist. Lol

Exactly Oliotya.

We in the West consume so much more than those in Africa and parts of Asia (e.g. With 10 times the population, the United States consumes 320 times more resources than Kenya does.)

We are seeing heavy monsoons in Asia due to climate change and the Western world is resisting calls for a climate change fund.

Sending a struggling family £50 (if you can afford it) is not going to break us, the navel gazing about does he really need the money or not is sickening.

Send it or don’t but don’t pretend you’re not talking from a place of privilege and playing a twisted form of Russian roulette by withholding money for petty reasons like he approached a woman first, not the man.

It's not so much that I want to do something nice or pass something on. I do already give to charity and do nice things just because. It's the worry that this man actually needed my help and that sending him the money would have helped him specifically. My husband seemed to think that it would open a can of worms and I wouldn't be able to get rid of him once I became emotionally invested in 'the business'. I would have been happy to send £50 and forget about it, but DH seemed adamant that it wouldn't be the end of it. Yes a lot of scams do seem to originate in Nigeria but what do you think the scam is? That there is no business and he just wants to fund a cruise or something? A lot of people with Nigerian connections on this thread do concede that life is very difficult there, and the cost of what i might fritter away on a takeaway one night could really change somebody's circumstances. I was happy to send money, and move on but DH was very clear I wouldn't be a one off.

I don't think he is a scammer but I do imagine that he will see me as a permanent fixture in his finances should I help him out once.

Why is this man less deserving than a random in a cafe?

This man is less of a stranger than the random in the cafe.

Your dismissive attitude is exactly what’s wrong with this thread, treating everything like a joke, when people are starving in the world and you can sink £££ on coffees in a cafe. And the irony is African farmers have been screwed over for the coffee you’re drinking.

Your posts are really striking a chord with me. The Russian roulette and privilege that you mention are weighing heavily on me. People might think I'm a mug but my instinct was to help him as a fellow person and just take that chance.