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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
PollyThePixie · 26/08/2023 18:49

Why is this man less deserving than a random in a cafe?

I suspect it’s because he’s Nigerian and therefore must be a scammer. 🙄

tofutti · 26/08/2023 18:50

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 18:45

It's not so much that I want to do something nice or pass something on. I do already give to charity and do nice things just because. It's the worry that this man actually needed my help and that sending him the money would have helped him specifically. My husband seemed to think that it would open a can of worms and I wouldn't be able to get rid of him once I became emotionally invested in 'the business'. I would have been happy to send £50 and forget about it, but DH seemed adamant that it wouldn't be the end of it. Yes a lot of scams do seem to originate in Nigeria but what do you think the scam is? That there is no business and he just wants to fund a cruise or something? A lot of people with Nigerian connections on this thread do concede that life is very difficult there, and the cost of what i might fritter away on a takeaway one night could really change somebody's circumstances. I was happy to send money, and move on but DH was very clear I wouldn't be a one off.

I don't think he is a scammer but I do imagine that he will see me as a permanent fixture in his finances should I help him out once.

OP, there was a similar thread a few years ago, with a similar request for help, from a man in (North?) Africa who asked for money to pay for his child’s school fees.

The OP did help him, it was a genuine request and he didn’t ask for money again.

It is also possible to make clear you are only helping as a one-off.

Anyway, you absolutely shouldn’t feel obliged to help, do as your heart and mind tell you, I just wanted to counter some of the less charitable views on this thread.

Ohyesreally · 26/08/2023 18:53

If you can afford it, I would send him a couple of hundred. But be very clear that you will not be sending any more, ever and he is not to ask you again.

tofutti · 26/08/2023 18:54

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 18:48

Your posts are really striking a chord with me. The Russian roulette and privilege that you mention are weighing heavily on me. People might think I'm a mug but my instinct was to help him as a fellow person and just take that chance.

Show quote history

I’ve always regretted the times I didn’t help, never the rimes I did. You sound very thoughtful and reasonable.

Here is the thread I mentioned, you may find it helpful

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4538252-to-send-money-to-a-moroccan-taxi-driver?postsby=Autumnterm

CeriB82 · 26/08/2023 18:54

I can’t believe you’re asking such a question.

seriously

Misty84 · 26/08/2023 18:56

You’re not a mug, OP. You’re seriously thinking about giving a little help to someone you once knew (albeit not that well). You have your eyes wide open. I don’t think you’re going to get sucked into a lifetime of donations.

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 18:56

tofutti · 26/08/2023 18:50

OP, there was a similar thread a few years ago, with a similar request for help, from a man in (North?) Africa who asked for money to pay for his child’s school fees.

The OP did help him, it was a genuine request and he didn’t ask for money again.

It is also possible to make clear you are only helping as a one-off.

Anyway, you absolutely shouldn’t feel obliged to help, do as your heart and mind tell you, I just wanted to counter some of the less charitable views on this thread.

Show quote history

I appreciate your point of view and I agree with everything youve said. I've never been in utter abject poverty and I can't imagine the desperation.

I don't feel any obligation but don't want it to get to that point, if that makes sense. I'm happy to help out as a once off but my husband is very wary about me being taken advantage of, as he knows that I would hate to think of anyone going without. He doesn't want me to get entangled with something that will have me in some kind of long term bondage or open doors up to other kinds of requests. I see his point too.

OP posts:
Lilibert456 · 26/08/2023 18:57

I could invent a sob story to make you feel guilty and you could send some of your spare cash to me. It will be a one off payment, just enough to appease your conscience.

Oliotya · 26/08/2023 18:58

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 18:45

It's not so much that I want to do something nice or pass something on. I do already give to charity and do nice things just because. It's the worry that this man actually needed my help and that sending him the money would have helped him specifically. My husband seemed to think that it would open a can of worms and I wouldn't be able to get rid of him once I became emotionally invested in 'the business'. I would have been happy to send £50 and forget about it, but DH seemed adamant that it wouldn't be the end of it. Yes a lot of scams do seem to originate in Nigeria but what do you think the scam is? That there is no business and he just wants to fund a cruise or something? A lot of people with Nigerian connections on this thread do concede that life is very difficult there, and the cost of what i might fritter away on a takeaway one night could really change somebody's circumstances. I was happy to send money, and move on but DH was very clear I wouldn't be a one off.

I don't think he is a scammer but I do imagine that he will see me as a permanent fixture in his finances should I help him out once.

OP, you can always send him some money and then block him. There's absolutely no reason why helping him once needs to lead to any ongoing contact or obligation. I don't know about Nigeria specifically, but there are plenty of secure ways to send money without giving him any bank info or phone numbers.
Having been in your shoes countless times, I tend to assume the best and have only been burned a couple of times in a decade.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/08/2023 18:58

If you feel that bad and likes him and can afford to lose the money as either way it's not going to be repaid if whether a scam or real

So send him £50. Say it's a one off

I wouldn't block only as if I was you I would be intrigued if he asks again /says thanks etx

If he contacts you again then say no

A third time block

Original poster
Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 18:58

tofutti · 26/08/2023 18:54

I’ve always regretted the times I didn’t help, never the rimes I did. You sound very thoughtful and reasonable.

Here is the thread I mentioned, you may find it helpful

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4538252-to-send-money-to-a-moroccan-taxi-driver?postsby=Autumnterm

Show quote history

Yes I relate to the regret thing too.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 18:59

BraveGoldie · 26/08/2023 12:49

This sounds like 'let them eat cake'

....so the solution is that other poor, struggling people in similar difficult circumstances give instead of people who can afford it and have the privilege of being in far less bad circumstances?

What you say about family and communities helping is true. First, I'm sure he has done that first and they helped all they could or can't help. And/or he will equally have the same family commitments . He is almost certainly trying to rescue other people in his family and community, while also helping his own direct family. This is essentially an extra
Tax constantly on the poor- that they are surrounded by other people desperately in need, that they are also trying to help. We have the privilege of getting an occasional discomfiting email from someone we used to know years ago, They are surrounded by death, sickness, and desperate need every day, which they try to salve for themselves and others from what little they have.

Nigeria is in a particularly bad situation right now, Eg with the government quadrupling petrol costs over night. Everybody is struggling, including respectable, hard working people who have rarely struggled before. It makes perfect sense that he has reached out now, after so long of asking for nothing.

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

Show quote history

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

As is the blind refusal to accept that there are multiple scams originating from Nigeria and the MO of this one is common. Go into any bank and recount the scenario and see what the advice is. Those of you urging the OP to send the money haven’t even given a thought to the fact that in so doing she may well be leaving herself wide open to having her bank account or her ID hijacked.

It’s not blind privilege or anything else - it’s common sense and in this day and age when scams like this are rife and proven to originate in that country almost more than any other, what’s staggering is the amount of people encouraging a reckless act that could end up in financial ruin.

gamerchick · 26/08/2023 19:00

Tell him to ask your husband. If you help him,you'll probably get asked again and again.

tofutti · 26/08/2023 19:03

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 18:59

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

As is the blind refusal to accept that there are multiple scams originating from Nigeria and the MO of this one is common. Go into any bank and recount the scenario and see what the advice is. Those of you urging the OP to send the money haven’t even given a thought to the fact that in so doing she may well be leaving herself wide open to having her bank account or her ID hijacked.

It’s not blind privilege or anything else - it’s common sense and in this day and age when scams like this are rife and proven to originate in that country almost more than any other, what’s staggering is the amount of people encouraging a reckless act that could end up in financial ruin.

Show quote history

Scaremonegring at its worst.

You can send money through money transfer websites like WorldRemit, Remitly, Ria, etc, where the recipient only receives a transaction ID. It would be impossible for him to know OP’s bank details.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 26/08/2023 19:03

I am not saying this to suggest you should send him money…however, as part of my work I had to assist with a project interviewing some international postgraduate students in the UK who are very fortunate by Nigerian standards. They couldn’t secure accommodation for their studies here and were being scammed and treated like shit left, right and centre. These people were really desperate and mentioned having to reach out to people they barely knew to help them, and the sense of shame and embarrassment they felt was so profound. It made me realise that I hold unconscious bias about “Nigerian scammers”.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 19:04

PollyThePixie · 26/08/2023 18:49

Why is this man less deserving than a random in a cafe?

I suspect it’s because he’s Nigerian and therefore must be a scammer. 🙄

Why the eye roll ? Nigeria is pretty much top of the tree when it comes to scamming, so people are right to be suspicious.

Crunchyb · 26/08/2023 19:19

Rosscameasdoody
I’m not advising the OP to give money, I’ve just given context that considering the situation in Nigeria, this is very likely a request from someone in a difficult financial situation.

With regards to this statement of yours:

Those of you urging the OP to send the money haven’t even given a thought to the fact that in so doing she may well be leaving herself wide open to having her bank account or her ID hijacked.

I guess you haven’t heard of money sending services like Western Union and Moneygram. No bank details required. I am sure there are other ways to send money without using a bank account.

Cowlover89 · 26/08/2023 19:22

Block him

Witchbitch20 · 26/08/2023 19:25

I spent 6 months working in west Africa many years ago. I still get, once a year a person asking me to send money to pay for her son’s school.

Don’t send money - it will just open a box that will be difficult to close.

tofutti · 26/08/2023 19:30

Witchbitch20 · 26/08/2023 19:25

I spent 6 months working in west Africa many years ago. I still get, once a year a person asking me to send money to pay for her son’s school.

Don’t send money - it will just open a box that will be difficult to close.

Kinder thing may be to block her. A once a year request is hardly pestering.

Why do you dangle yourself like an option to her?

Crunchyb · 26/08/2023 19:30

I don't think he is a scammer but I do imagine that he will see me as a permanent fixture in his finances should I help him out once.

That’s certainly possible which is why others have suggested you say it is a on-off gift, then block him so he doesn’t get the chance to ask again.

Witchbitch20 · 26/08/2023 19:33

tofutti · 26/08/2023 19:30

Kinder thing may be to block her. A once a year request is hardly pestering.

Why do you dangle yourself like an option to her?

Show quote history

How do you know I haven’t “blocked” her?
Her number changes, mine doesn’t.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 26/08/2023 19:34

I’ve had a re-think. This is my 3rd post on this thread. I had not RTFT before my initial response, but I had read all of your updates.

I understand that sending him £50 would make a massive difference to him. You’ve said that you can afford it as you’re comfortable and you really want to help him, which would obviously be a nice thing to do.

I’ve just spoken to DH as he sends money to someone he trusts in a West African country. He sends them money via Moneygram using their bank account details, without the need to share his bank account details with this person.
The ‘Cash Pick-up’ option is more expensive, as there are additional charges if the money is collected from Moneygram in cash.

Now this is the thing, when I mentioned that the country was Nigeria. He said no, he wouldn’t send it, especially if you don’t know the person very well.

So, you could take the risk, as it’s a one-off. You’re not expecting it to paid back as it’s not a loan. If it really is the same man you’ve met and his FB a/c has not been hacked, just be prepared that he may contact you in future to ask for more money. Are you prepared to say no next time or are you happy to continue to help him by sending him £50 every now and again?

I hope it works out well should you decide to help him.

Mookie81 · 26/08/2023 19:54

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

Ridiculous you're even considering it to be honest.

Callmesleepy · 26/08/2023 20:12

I'd point him towards something like Kiva - microloans for people trying to improve their future. I'd also like to say I'd contribute on the basis that if rather be the kind of person who helped than who didn't but it would also be a bit odd so I'm not sure I would. If you have it I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you can do a one off but you'd feel more comfortable formalising it if he needs help again.