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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 12:42

Dery · 26/08/2023 12:08

I agree with @Multijoy and @pickledandpuzzled . I don’t think this is a scam - he may well be desperate for money. Most of us posting (if not all) live in rich countries with recognised social safety nets and those of us in the UK have access to free education and healthcare, even if it’s not perfect. It’s important to have some imagination about what life is like for people living and raising families in other, much poorer, much less developed countries.

Google the amount of scams originating in Nigeria - it’s top of the African countries for scams and worldwide it comes second. And scams like these where people are befriended and then contacted later for money are commonplace - the OP will be among multiple people he’s contacting. So the OP sends what she can afford and then finds that the scammer has captured her bank details and emptied her account - what then ?

Better yet, go into your bank and tell them you’ve been contacted by someone from Nigeria who was a passing acquaintance and has now contacted you asking for money, and you want to help them out. I guarantee they’ll tell you it’s a scam and probably refuse the request.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/08/2023 12:44

How do you know it's even the same guy?

Interesting point; after all if he's been canny enough to save the details against the day they might be useful, it's equally possible he could have shared them around

I once had this on a ship, where the steward produced a photo of "his family" including a sadly very disabled member for whom they "couldn't afford treatment". It contained some pretty distinctive features, and on enquiry it turned out that various other stewards were hawking exactly the same photo around other staterooms, with exactly the same sob story Sad

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 12:45

Sammymommy · 26/08/2023 12:25

The situation is not that bad in Nigeria???? Are you for real? The situation is absolutely horrendous there...

Show quote history

Read the post again -slowly !!

almostoverthehill · 26/08/2023 12:46

seriously you really need to ask 🙄 Jesus wept

TookTheBook · 26/08/2023 12:46

If you say yes to this, on any level, he (or the person pretending to be him) will know you are a marked target. They will target you again - either directly via "him" for more money, or contact you with other sob stories from other randoms (hacked or genuine accounts) to ask for money that way.

Additionally he will likely ask you to wire the money then claim it was never received, and you'll be in a pickle sending him multiple amounts.

Don't get involved, you don't owe him jot.

Sammymommy · 26/08/2023 12:47

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 12:45

Read the post again -slowly !!

Show quote history

Read my post after that - slowly!

OliveWah · 26/08/2023 12:47

In your shoes I think it's fine to not send anything if you're uncomfortable, but I think I would probably send £50 and make it clear it was all I could afford to spare. I think the amount of time and energy I would spend feeling guilty about not sending him anything, has to be worth at least £50 to me!

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 12:47

almostoverthehill · 26/08/2023 12:46

seriously you really need to ask 🙄 Jesus wept

And yet so many people advocating she send it !!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 26/08/2023 12:48

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 11:36

I mean what exactly is our proposed scam? That he is now a rich guy, or part of a criminal gang. Despite us knowing he was honestly working hard at a low wage when we met him..... , that he has waited eight years to make a humble request of someone he used to know? Why would you think a pleasant, helpful man you knew for a full year, would do that?

But she doesn't know him, does she? He was just a man who worked in her building where he was paid to be pleasant and helpful to the people who lived there. His pleasant demeanour was part of his job - she has no idea whether he's like that outside of work.

The scam is that he's relying on rich westerners to be a soft touch and send him money. OP knows what he looks like (so it's not like donating to a faceless charity) and thinks he's a lovely, pleasant person. He also has a picture of her son to tug at the heartstrings.

But in reality she knows nothing about him. She hasn't seen his house or met his family. She doesn't know where he lives or what business he runs. She knows nothing about his finances, his income, how many children he has or whether he's actually struggling for money.

If I was on the bones of my arse, the last thing to enter my head would be to contact someone I knew from eight years ago to ask them for money Hmm

Exactly this. It doesn’t have to be the classic “Send £20000 now to held us overthrow the rebels and return our glorious royal family to power and I will send you £111019192939 when my wealth is restored!!!” to be a scam. Once he knows the OP is a soft touch, he’ll be back again and again with another sob story, and another request for “just one more small sum”.

If he was really desperate, there would be goodness knows how many people higher up the list than the OP. He’s sensed a soft touch and smelt cash.

This man was an honest, working guy who you knew and hasn't asked for anything in eight years.

The receptionist at my office has never asked me for money either. Or the man from the corner shop, or my postman. Because that’s normal.

BraveGoldie · 26/08/2023 12:49

Cinateel · 26/08/2023 12:00

I have a Nigerian friend and one day I was having a conversation with her about differences in our cultures, and she was telling me that we always have relatives, because when you marry, the other family become your family. She said "For instance, if a man is made bankrupt, someone might say 'I hear your wife's cousin is bankrupt, why did you not help him?'
Tell this man to go to his relatives for help. Then block him.

This sounds like 'let them eat cake'

....so the solution is that other poor, struggling people in similar difficult circumstances give instead of people who can afford it and have the privilege of being in far less bad circumstances?

What you say about family and communities helping is true. First, I'm sure he has done that first and they helped all they could or can't help. And/or he will equally have the same family commitments . He is almost certainly trying to rescue other people in his family and community, while also helping his own direct family. This is essentially an extra
Tax constantly on the poor- that they are surrounded by other people desperately in need, that they are also trying to help. We have the privilege of getting an occasional discomfiting email from someone we used to know years ago, They are surrounded by death, sickness, and desperate need every day, which they try to salve for themselves and others from what little they have.

Nigeria is in a particularly bad situation right now, Eg with the government quadrupling petrol costs over night. Everybody is struggling, including respectable, hard working people who have rarely struggled before. It makes perfect sense that he has reached out now, after so long of asking for nothing.

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

Wintersgirl · 26/08/2023 12:50

I've had the odd pang of guilt thinking 'what if I was really desperate and needed help?'

OP, he really is nothing to you, he was the man on the desk who you exchanged pleasantires with, the baby photo of your son is to pull at your heart strings and convince you he was a family friend rather than someone who just worked there..

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 26/08/2023 12:56

I think some posters are confused with where their money goes when they send it to charity.

The people who really need it only get a small percentage of what you send.

This is a neighbour.
Yes he may actually be a multi millionaire and be scamming OP but chances are he’s not.

I’d rather my money go to someone I know (even if not very well) than to the charity CEOs who take a large cut for themselves and staff.

Anyone saying they’d rather give it to a cafe is deluded because that’s saying you’d rather pay for someone’s food who definitely does not need the money, than give it to someone where there is a very slim chance he doesn’t need the money.

Why would you give money to someone who definitely doesn’t need it over someone who most likely does?

Beautiful3 · 26/08/2023 12:56

I dont know, I'm torn. It's either genuine so send 20 quid, or his fb has been hacked. My friend send me a strange fb message asking for money. We weren't close, but she was a nice lady. I told me husband as I wanted to send 20. Then her fb status pinged, "I've been hacked don't send any money!" So it may not even be him.

Annaishere · 26/08/2023 12:56

My feeling on it is that it’s sincere

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/08/2023 12:57

How much does he want ?

You can reply and say spoken to my husband please message him

And see what he does

Yes why didn't he sent message to both of you

Scary he still has a pic of your child years on. Why does he have a pic of him ?

TookTheBook · 26/08/2023 12:58

BraveGoldie · 26/08/2023 12:49

This sounds like 'let them eat cake'

....so the solution is that other poor, struggling people in similar difficult circumstances give instead of people who can afford it and have the privilege of being in far less bad circumstances?

What you say about family and communities helping is true. First, I'm sure he has done that first and they helped all they could or can't help. And/or he will equally have the same family commitments . He is almost certainly trying to rescue other people in his family and community, while also helping his own direct family. This is essentially an extra
Tax constantly on the poor- that they are surrounded by other people desperately in need, that they are also trying to help. We have the privilege of getting an occasional discomfiting email from someone we used to know years ago, They are surrounded by death, sickness, and desperate need every day, which they try to salve for themselves and others from what little they have.

Nigeria is in a particularly bad situation right now, Eg with the government quadrupling petrol costs over night. Everybody is struggling, including respectable, hard working people who have rarely struggled before. It makes perfect sense that he has reached out now, after so long of asking for nothing.

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

Show quote history

This is an utterly ridiculous straw man reply.

Giving money to a guy online is not a good idea! Lots of explanations above by many posters about why not.

If OP suddenly wants to help Nigerian business, find a proper legit charity or investment channel, don't fall for a FB message from a random.

readbooksdrinktea · 26/08/2023 13:01

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

Not being gullible doesn't mean people lack empathy.

Ejismyf · 26/08/2023 13:03

I'd just block him.

Wintersgirl · 26/08/2023 13:04

Yes why didn't he sent message to both of you

Because he knows what the DHs answer will be, he also knows the woman will likely be a soft touch, especially if he shows the baby photo of DS, it's very manipulative of him

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 13:04

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering

You can empathise with how shit a situation is without falling for a scam, though. I have no doubt the situation is shit in Nigeria - that doesn't mean I'm going to start sending money to random strangers.

I mean, if OP really cared about the situation in Nigeria, why doesn't she find a nice local charity to donate to? Or donate her time to a charity here in the UK? There's absolutely no need for her to send money to some random bloke off Facebook.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 26/08/2023 13:06

One of the issues is that scamming has become so common, it stops people giving to genuine causes.

I remember the first time I was scammed in London by someone asking for money for their train fare- I gave it to them then they used the same scam on me a week later not recognizing me.

It was such a shame. Before that I tended to think if people needed help, I would always help them- and I've been helped by a stranger a couple of times when I lost my purse/needed a taxi fare v late at night.

The worst was being scammed by some parents with their kids in the car, parked up in my London area, who needed petrol money but mysteriously didn't want to use my phone, or go to the garage. I wish I'd reported that now as that's really a safeguarding issue.

Someone gave my dd money for the bus just the other day as she only had a £10 note and the bus driver wouldn't take it, so good people are out there, I just hate that all this scamming has made me so suspicious now.

Riverbananacarrot · 26/08/2023 13:11

I work in a bank and please please do not send money.

This is an extremely common scam and literally step by step is exactly one of the scenarios we are trained to spot in work

This is a scam 100%.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 26/08/2023 13:12

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 13:04

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering

You can empathise with how shit a situation is without falling for a scam, though. I have no doubt the situation is shit in Nigeria - that doesn't mean I'm going to start sending money to random strangers.

I mean, if OP really cared about the situation in Nigeria, why doesn't she find a nice local charity to donate to? Or donate her time to a charity here in the UK? There's absolutely no need for her to send money to some random bloke off Facebook.

He’s not a random bloke though.

If he was I’d say absolutely not but if any of my old neighbours reached out to me and I could afford it then I’d give them £20.

One of my neighbours who only recently moved in asked if I had £5 spare for a taxi to take her baby to hospital as she didn’t have the full amount.
She may have been lying but I gave it to her as I had it on me at the time.

Rocknrollstar · 26/08/2023 13:12

We have had all had to block a young relative who from time to time came up with sob stories. He was clever - only ever wanted £10 or £20 to see him through but we all realised we were being taken for a ride. If you want to salve your conscience, send a small amount and make it clear that no more is coming. Then block him.

Olika · 26/08/2023 13:12

@Whatsthescory we are just waiting for my DH's friends to visit us. I am planning to ask all of them when they are here. I let you know.

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