To not send this man money

[Whatsthescory]

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

are there not microfinance schemes there for just that situation?

I don't think it's a scam, but I think you are definitely not BU to not send any money. I've never lived in Nigeria, but I lived in East Africa as an expat, and there is, as you will know, an expectation that expats will give money, as there is no welfare system. Friends and family have to help out as there is no one else to do so. We gave donations for funeral expenses when relatives of our household staff died for example, as it was clear there could be no burial without them. However, once you do give money, you are expected to give more and more. It's one thing if someone has been living in your home (like a nanny or housekeeper), but a concierge who seems to have revived a passing aquaintance for the sole purpose of requesting cash is definitely iffy. If I were you I would reply by saying, you can't give cash, but you are aware of x small business loan providers (is DFID doing anything in the region?), send him a few links, then cut contact.

It’s never nice to get scammed and the picture in your head of a person in desperate need is not real. These sort of people have zilch respect for you.

Because OP isn’t stupid and can verify it’s the same man easily.

Again, this isn’t a an unknown stranger, she has briefly met him every day for a year and can ask him questions.

This is absolutely the case. DH has a lot of family in Nigeria and their cost of living crisis is several fold what is happening in the uk. I can see why you think his approach was manipulative but I guess most of us would resort to manipulation if we were desperate. It doesn’t make him a bad person.

Gaza is on its knees. I would have helped.

And not only that he’ll have access to your bank details and all your family financial data putting you all at risk and available to any criminal network he’s involved with

With respect, you need to stop being so naive and get into the real world.

He’s manipulate you because he knows you’re a soft touch.

Stop all this unnecessary hand wringing and block him Immediately.

I'd want to send him something too, though I agree that it's a bit dodgy that he contacted you and not your husband.

Can you send him say £25, say it's from both of you as a once-off to help with his expenses?

🤦🏻‍♀️

Has technology passed you buy or are you intending to be a scaremongerer?

There are dozens of money transfer companies to send money abroad, it’s impossible for him to get OP’s bank details.

Unfriend and bIock. With aII of the scammers out there, do NOT take a chance. It wiII be one thing after another. If you feeI you MUST respond, simpIy say, "I am sorry, COVID has hit us hard, as weII. I do not have it." THEN unfriend and bIock.

What good does that do?

I imagine Patches wants to convey that sending the money is a joint decision between OP and her husband.

And in reality it is giving this person 2 people to hit up for money. How bizarre

A while back there was a scam where people had their social media hacked and the hacker then sent out loan requests to friends, purporting to be the owner of the account but really it was just a scammer. Then when people ran into the account owner in person saying when am I getting my money back, they had no clue what the loaner friend meant as obviously they'd never asked for or received money, the scammer would have just given a random PayPal account or something. So if you don't want to be cruel you could say I've heard of this scam, you've had your account hacked, I'm not that stupid. In fact it is possible it has been hacked, but I expect it is genuine but I wouldn't loan any money at all. As others have said it will only encourage him to come back time and time again.

@tofutti I didn't feel it was genuine. The approach style and the timing felt like a well-used patter. I appreciate how bad things are in Gaza but something about the person made me uneasy. Had it felt right I would have given even though my means are limited.

OP is an intelligent woman, she would be able to check it’s the same man pretty easily and quickly. They will be facts that only he knows about where they lived and met.

And whilst I feel for people who get taken in by scams, those people who gave money to the scammers without checking in properly with their friends were vulnerable vulnerable or silly. OP strikes me as neither.

And so what if he comes back? OP can say no. What a strange way to scare someone off from doing a good thing.

I understand, always best to trust our instincts.

NO WAY!!!!! He's probably sent the same request to all of the other people in the block. Talking of which BLOCK HIM and don't look back! Of course he's asked you as he reckons you're a soft touch as a woman. Don't start sending or this will never stop. You hardly know him. CF.

Wow! I’m really shocked at the responses on here : “ these people” and “ lend me a tenner - what’s the difference?”! The difference is you DO know this guy (albeit tenuously), and obviously he doesn’t have support in his own country. He thought of you as a kind person , and yes, probably feels he can ask because you are substantially better off than him. He’s never tried to tap you for money previously. If £10 or £20 is not a big deal to you I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t send it ?! As others have said it could make a mammoth difference to him and his family , and you implied it is not going to cause you any hardship. I would then unfollow incase you were pestered again - but I would no more refuse than I would a desperate neighbour. I may be gullible - but I’d rather give someone the benefit of the doubt than continually have my conscience nagging me just because I took the moral high ground and lumped him in with all the stereotypes to justify NOT helping. Of course you don’t have to help, but in general my philosophy is help where and when you can - you may win some/ lose some - but if you can afford to, giving someone the benefit of the doubt is ( in my opinion) always better.

The eye roll is because not every Nigerian is a scammer.

I’m surprised you had to ask 🙄

@busymomtoone

Well said.

I live a life where people like the doorman cross my path daily. Some I strike up a relationship with if I see them often enough or for a long enough length of time. Eventually the leave jobs and return home to God only knows what and very occasionally one may ask for help further down the line. It’s a far different cry from them being a scammer because of their a nationality.

I've seen things in a different light as this thread progressed.

My main worry was of being an indefinite source of income, which I don't want to commit to. Many of you are worried its a scam. To me, a scam is when someone tells you a lie about what they need money for, especially if it ends up costing you more than you bargained for. For example, persuading you to invest in a certain scheme, but the scheme doesn't exist and you lose money. What exactly is the scam that a lot of you are worried about, genuinely? He has come begging, but what exactly is the harm? Like PPS said, i could, in theory, send the money electronically with no recourse.

I do think that my situation throws open a wider scope of Western privilage, but also how those who have it (privilage) feel like they can't use it effectively.

Genuine question.

@Whatsthescory Im not sure having privilege hinders helping people effectively. It’s generally very easy to find a way to donate or find a cause to support.

I have shown this post to my DH who is Nigerian. His immediate reflection was no wonder we get scammed out of so much money if we are that gullible. His advice - don’t do it, no self respecting Nigerian man would ask for money. This guy will just keep coming back and back with more elaborate stories begging for more money.