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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 20:52

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 18:59

Some of the entitlement, blind privilege, ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is staggering.

As is the blind refusal to accept that there are multiple scams originating from Nigeria and the MO of this one is common. Go into any bank and recount the scenario and see what the advice is. Those of you urging the OP to send the money haven’t even given a thought to the fact that in so doing she may well be leaving herself wide open to having her bank account or her ID hijacked.

It’s not blind privilege or anything else - it’s common sense and in this day and age when scams like this are rife and proven to originate in that country almost more than any other, what’s staggering is the amount of people encouraging a reckless act that could end up in financial ruin.

Show quote history

Rubbish. There's not a known scam where you see someone daily for a year and then 6 years later they ask you for money. It's perfectly easy to send money without disclosing bank details - you could use western union.

OP can send a few quid and ignore all further messages - she isn't tied into anything .

You are being racist to assume that all Nigerians are scammers.

WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 20:56

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 18:56

I appreciate your point of view and I agree with everything youve said. I've never been in utter abject poverty and I can't imagine the desperation.

I don't feel any obligation but don't want it to get to that point, if that makes sense. I'm happy to help out as a once off but my husband is very wary about me being taken advantage of, as he knows that I would hate to think of anyone going without. He doesn't want me to get entangled with something that will have me in some kind of long term bondage or open doors up to other kinds of requests. I see his point too.

Show quote history

I think your husband is weirdly paranoid. How will a one off £50 get you sucked into something? As with any financial gift, only give what you can afford. It would be sensible to avoid disclosing bank details but that's easy enough. Then just ignore further requests.

If you don't want to that's fair enough but don't over think it.

WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 20:58

1415isgreat · 26/08/2023 13:13

Always happens when you are friendly to somebody overseas. I have had it quite a few times from different countries I have visited. I don’t understand how they have the audacity to ask even though we’re not friends but oh well

They know that they are poor and we are rich, through an accident of birth. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 21:48

WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 20:52

Rubbish. There's not a known scam where you see someone daily for a year and then 6 years later they ask you for money. It's perfectly easy to send money without disclosing bank details - you could use western union.

OP can send a few quid and ignore all further messages - she isn't tied into anything .

You are being racist to assume that all Nigerians are scammers.

Show quote history

At no point have I even intimated that all Nigerians are scammers. There are statistics available to support the fact that Nigeria is high on the list of countries where scams originate. Explain to me how facts are racist ?

tofutti · 26/08/2023 21:53

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 21:48

At no point have I even intimated that all Nigerians are scammers. There are statistics available to support the fact that Nigeria is high on the list of countries where scams originate. Explain to me how facts are racist ?

Show quote history

It’s racist because you’re tarring all Nigerians with the same brush. This isn’t a nameless, faceless man emailing OP out of the blue, this is a man who OP saw every day for a year, albeit briefly, and then he didn’t approach her for 6 years, until a year ago.

Your inability to see Nigerians as individuals with individual concerns and challenges and implication that they are a nation of scammers is disturbing.

Iclyn · 26/08/2023 21:58

Why is this man less deserving than a random in a cafe?

I suspect it’s because he’s Nigerian and therefore must be a scammer. 🙄

Wow

I'm being accused of being racist now ?
How very dare you .You know nothing about me , but racist I am not. Reporting you.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 23:36

tofutti · 26/08/2023 21:53

It’s racist because you’re tarring all Nigerians with the same brush. This isn’t a nameless, faceless man emailing OP out of the blue, this is a man who OP saw every day for a year, albeit briefly, and then he didn’t approach her for 6 years, until a year ago.

Your inability to see Nigerians as individuals with individual concerns and challenges and implication that they are a nation of scammers is disturbing.

Show quote history

That is absolutely not what I said, nor did I imply it. I simply quoted the easily checkable fact that the incidence of scamming from Nigeria is one of the highest in the world. Given that fact, there is the possibility that it’s a scam.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 23:38

Iclyn · 26/08/2023 21:58

Why is this man less deserving than a random in a cafe?

I suspect it’s because he’s Nigerian and therefore must be a scammer. 🙄

Wow

I'm being accused of being racist now ?
How very dare you .You know nothing about me , but racist I am not. Reporting you.

It was only a matter of time.

tofutti · 26/08/2023 23:59

Rosscameasdoody · 26/08/2023 23:36

That is absolutely not what I said, nor did I imply it. I simply quoted the easily checkable fact that the incidence of scamming from Nigeria is one of the highest in the world. Given that fact, there is the possibility that it’s a scam.

Show quote history

What has scamming from Nigeria got to do with a man that OP saw every day in the flash for a year 7 years ago and then didn’t hear from for 6 years?

Would you have an issue with him contacting OP if he was German?

The racism is inherent here.

tofutti · 27/08/2023 00:01

Iclyn · 26/08/2023 21:58

Why is this man less deserving than a random in a cafe?

I suspect it’s because he’s Nigerian and therefore must be a scammer. 🙄

Wow

I'm being accused of being racist now ?
How very dare you .You know nothing about me , but racist I am not. Reporting you.

Reporting her what what? You begrudge this man a few quid but you’re so sensitive about yourself that you’re reading comments that aren’t even there.

Ireolu · 27/08/2023 08:49

What you send will not make a mark on what he requires to set up his business if you are thinking around the £50 mark. Life is tough in Nigeria and the economy is poor. If you don't mind it being spent on food and other not relating to the initial ask send it.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 27/08/2023 11:29

You won’t miss it. I’d send it.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 27/08/2023 11:34

@Iclyn There’s absolutely no need to threaten to report pp for picking you up on your language.
Simply own what you said or re-phrase it, if you think you were misunderstood.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/08/2023 13:29

tofutti · 26/08/2023 23:59

What has scamming from Nigeria got to do with a man that OP saw every day in the flash for a year 7 years ago and then didn’t hear from for 6 years?

Would you have an issue with him contacting OP if he was German?

The racism is inherent here.

Show quote history

I couldn’t care less where he’s from. Canada has a high incidence of scamming. So does India. If he were from those, or any other country with a high rate of scams the advice to be cautious would be the same - and that would include Germany if there was evidence to support it. The only inherent racism here is in your mind.

BaconChops · 27/08/2023 17:57

No don’t do it. I agree with your husband on this. Say you’re sorry the pandemic has affected a lot of people and unfriend (although I use the term friend loosely in this case) him and block him.

TrixieMixie · 27/08/2023 18:28

You say you’re not a mug so you know the answer,..

toxic44 · 27/08/2023 18:35

I had a similar thing with a young woman from Gaza. A stranger, all over me for 2 weeks non-stop, then the punchline for money for the next week. After my third refusal she sank without trace. Don't get sucked in.

Galatine · 27/08/2023 18:58

This is not a request for a it’s a blatant scam. I can’t believe all of the posters saying send him money. Are they stupid or just naïve. Contrast this with the attitude of many Mums-netters when asking if a tradesman should be allowed to use their loo!

Tiredbehyondbelief · 27/08/2023 19:00

I have a lot of Nigerian colleagues at work. I posted a message from a very reputable American based charity doing a project in Nigeria on work WhatsApp. It was taken down immediately by the group administrator who happens to be a Nigerian. Then she had a right go at me when I turned up for the next shift. The moral of the story- only ever give money to a Nigerian if you can physically give them cash. The scams my colleague has a first hand experience of are very sophisticated. I am sure you are dealing with a scammer, most likely not even the original person

Iwant2stayanon · 27/08/2023 19:45

Do not in any circumstances give any money, I’m afraid through experience of others close to me that this is something that is common behaviour in Nigeria.

kazlau · 27/08/2023 20:01

I would be concerned it was even him if I’m honest. There are so many scammers. I agree with your husband to say no.

pam290358 · 27/08/2023 20:22

tofutti · 26/08/2023 21:53

It’s racist because you’re tarring all Nigerians with the same brush. This isn’t a nameless, faceless man emailing OP out of the blue, this is a man who OP saw every day for a year, albeit briefly, and then he didn’t approach her for 6 years, until a year ago.

Your inability to see Nigerians as individuals with individual concerns and challenges and implication that they are a nation of scammers is disturbing.

Show quote history

And how do you know it’s the same man ? I’m another one not following how advising caution for a request like this coming from a country known for scamming, is racist.

Mimi299 · 27/08/2023 20:28

I would send the money - what’s the harm? He probably does need the money and the money would make 0 difference to my life. I don’t really see the issue here?

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 20:35

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:40

It's a shame. He always seemed so nice and helpful. I've had the odd pang of guilt thinking 'what if I was really desperate and needed help?' I'm actually not a mug (though maybe I seem like it) but want to doubly make sure in my own conscience that I did the right thing.

Honestly op, they always do seem nice!

My ex husband was from a different country. We visited once and his sister in law was extremely nice to me, calling me her sister, cooking food for me and generally seemed like a really nice person. The very next day after I arrived back home she messaged me to ask if I could give her 2k but to keep it secret and not tell my DH! I’d only known her a couple of weeks!!!! I didn’t reply and I then realised all her ‘kindness’ was just manipulation tactics to get something from me!

OP this man only got in touch with you again after all this time because he wants the money! He is a scammer!

Done2much · 27/08/2023 20:55

Nigeria is well known to be the source of many scams unfortunately. Even if you did know this guy before he could now be involved in a scamming operation. Unfriend and don't send any cash woukd be my advice