Pretty people have such an advantage in life?

[ddisgruntled]

Honestly I think being not conventionally attractive means you have to work harder (at times quite a bit harder) than pretty people to be afforded the same things they get for free? Things like people attributing 'good' intentions to whatever they're doing, and are more eager to be helpful to pretty people, and others are more willing to gloss over their mistakes and flaws.

Of course we are all flawed, and all humans make mistakes, but I think attractive people have a much easier time with this being recognised. I'm nearly 40 so this isn't just observing the social dynamics of youngsters! It's everywhere, at every age.

It's subtle. I'm not ugly, just kind of bland and nondescript I'm very basic at grooming (washed and clean, but no point doing make up or hair as I'm shit at it and doesn't make any difference) and so don't really think about looks generally in day to day life - but then sometimes it hits me how it's like starting out a couple of steps behind a good looking person, in every new interaction?

I don't agree. I think when someone's really pretty, people (especially men) tend to focus on their looks and sexual appeal and see less of the person they actually are.
I have a couple of really gorgeous friends and my God, the amount of hassle they get from men and also resentment from other women.
I like being average looking. I always feel like I'm judged completely on my personality, my actions and my own merits. If I was very pretty people would be distracted by my looks alone.
It also works the other way. If someone is particularly "ugly", for want of a better word, they will also be judged on their looks.
Far better to have a bog standard appearance, I think!

I think they have a disadvantage actually. Firstly they become reliant on said looks which don’t last..
Ugly people find the good people who don’t judge on looks much easier.. when you are very beautiful how do you know if your partner genuinely loves you on a deeper level?..

someone who is very pretty can be lonely because perfection is not relatable with by others. People don’t always feel a connection to extremely beautiful people because they tend to see them as being above them therefor there’s always a bit of a distance.

these threads always end up the same way, that it's in fact a burden being beautiful.

which I am confidently saying is a load of baloney.

I’ll admit pretty privilege exists. I’ve been a larger person and seen it shrink away, and then when I’m slim it increases. I actually don’t think I am conventionally pretty, I have glasses and a big nose but people tell me I have “a vibe”. I dress weird but am confident.

Things that are harder - being taken seriously. The idea that you can be a pretty person who also thinks for themselves and doesn’t take any shit. And then they HATE you for it. To be pretty and not humble or modest about your smarts or your achievements. That’s when the hatred starts.

“she loves herself” Well yes. Someone has to.

Yes, you have to pay the 'beauty tax' of being nicey-nicey, humble and accommodating of others to the Nth degree.

It’s not a burden, I see how easier it is for me when I’m slim Vs overweight.

but there are challenges. Just different ones. People always have to find a reason to pour scorn on a woman, whether it’s for being pretty or not being pretty. They have to find something we aren’t doing right.

I think there's a huge difference between being genuinely startlingly beautiful (I've only known one or two people well like this in my life) and being reasonably pretty or attractive (most people I knew when younger, most have aged ok too).

Genuinely breathtakingly beautiful people have a very odd time in life, and I think it's hard for people to see them as people and not be mesmerised by their looks.

Pretty/attractive people are much more common, I work at a uni where the students are well-off and most of them would fall in this definition, they are not all stunning, but many are and the rest have shiny glossy hair, good skin, nice clothes and are young so look attractive in a fairly conventional sense. This is definitely an advantage in life, and also not equitably distributed- people with money tend to be more attractive on average because eating great food, having your teeth fixed, nice skincare, good brands, it all adds up to being reasonably nice-looking in a socially advantaged way.

It is a tax. That’s a good way of putting it. I’ve had men say to me, when told a polite no, I’m in a relationship, “you’re ugly anyway”.

As if that can hurt me. As if being ugly is the worst thing in the world, the thing that will make me cry the most, the real kicker. Hun, I look exactly the same as I did 3 mins ago when you asked for my number 🤣 I’ve been through a hell of a life, even if I was ugly (as if anyone is truly ugly anyway)… that would be the least of my worries.

People are so transparent, the best we can do is not play the game against each other.

Who is startlingly beautiful by your definition? Can you give an example from the public eye?

I think there are so many beautiful or attractive women around, but they all are sort of the same really to me. I'm not sure I could rank them in a beauty hierarchy

Like, Naomi Campbell or Marilyn Monroe or Angelina Jolie are all beautiful I think, in very different ways.

From a younger generation I'd give examples of Keira Knightly, Aamito Lagum or Florence Pugh being beautiful and again all different.

I see loads of women around of similar levels of attractiveness, all gorgeous. Definitely not just 1 or 2 people over a lifetime.

My friend is noticeably pretty and a few of us were out. A man saw fit to tell her that she wasn’t all that. I was shocked and she said this happens to her quite a lot. I thought it might be because said ape felt insecure and annoyed by her.

I’m attractive in my own way but post 40 I feel like “pretty” isn’t that important to me anymore.

Staying slim will help you a LOT over 40; most women my age are overweight and consequently look older and dress poorly.

Hmmmmm now I want know which social circles you move in that involve bumping in to Angelina's doppelganger on the regular 🤔

I don’t think any of the people you have named are beautiful actually. Very attractive yes, in their whole demeanour, but beautiful, I don’t think so. It needs something else. The prettiest woman in the world though, I think is Brooke Sheilds. I’d love to look like her. She is absolute grace.

The only woman I can think of that I would describe as truly beautiful is Maya Angelou. She’s a goddess to me.

Hmmmmm now I want know which social circles you move in that involve bumping in to Angelina's doppelganger on the regular

Well, I'm not working at all at the moment but my background is in an industry that has a lot of pretty people. I have seen Angelina herself at an event and she is very beautiful but there are lots of beautiful striking women on the tube every day.

It’s negging. Because they think we are all sat there like handbags on a shelf vying to be the one that gets chosen. Tell the woman you want that she’s not all that, and she might have low self esteem enough to try and prove that she IS all that really, and boom, she’ll be yours. It’s disgusting.

@SisterAgathaThings that are harder - being taken seriously. The idea that you can be a pretty person who also thinks for themselves and doesn’t take any shit. And then they HATE you for it. To be pretty and not humble or modest about your smarts or your achievements. That’s when the hatred starts.

Not being taken seriously is not just the preserve of the pretty, alas. I’ve struggled with this all my life despite being unattractive. I always thought it was just part of being a woman, depressingly.

Equally, clever women get disapproved of regardless of what they look like - again, seems like it’s just part of being female. I’m trying to remember the name of that young woman years back on University Challenge who was remarkably clever and got an absolute roasting on Twitter for - if I recall correctly - daring to look pleased when she answered correctly. Ditto Alice Roberts who regularly gets abuse for being pretentious enough to use her title of professor. Neither of those are unattractive, admittedly, but I do think this is more to do with being a woman generally than it is to do with attractiveness.

@ddisgruntled well, I spend a lot of time around lovely young women (and men) who are definitely attractive, but not so stunning they are stopping traffic hourly. I had one friend, just one, as a teen who was absolutely stunning, everywhere we went people stared at her, came up to her. I looked attractive, it wasn't that, but I wasn't stunning in that look-twice and gasp way. I also knew another girl who was a model who was excessively good-looking and random twat men used to hit on her all the time but she struggled to find a good relationship. Not all models are that good looking though, and most reasonably wealthy attractive students aren't either, they just have reasonably nice faces and the money to make the most of what they have got.

Since we have aged, I think it's evened out a lot. I love my friend, but she isn't stunning in that startling way as an older woman and most of my friends are more evenly matched in terms of looks as time has gone on (and grooming goes a long way).

Truly stunning women- I would count Sophia Loren at all ages, Honor Blackman (again, amazing at all ages), Catherine Zeta-Jones when she was young, I agree that many women in Hollywood do look very similar now, so I find it quite hard to pick a more modern one out (I don't think I would recognise Gal Gadot, for example, but I have seen her in films looking stunning).

Men disapprove of intelligent women, they approve of beautiful women.

Women disapprove of other; beautiful women who have the audacity to be unapologetically intelligent, opinionated or disagreeable.

And yes, women are judged more negatively by both sexes, because the patriarchy has us all internalising the inconvenient fact that our beauty is our most precious commodity.

An uncomfortable truth does not become a falsehood, simply because it discomforts us to have to admit it.

Whoever said Brooke Shields, I agree, absolutely stunning when young. I'm pretty sure if aged 18 she'd walked onto the Tube, people would be stealing glances. She has two lovely daughters who are pretty but neither are beautiful in the way their mum was when younger (bit like being Claudia Schiffer's sister who again is perfectly nice looking, it's just a tiny bit gutting I suspect).

Sorry, @HotSince82, I’m not sure I understand you. I don’t think I claimed any truths were falsehoods, did I? (I’d never be so bold!) I was only giving my own observations, which are obviously neither truths nor falsehoods, just stuff I’ve noticed.

In any case, my main point was that it can’t be said that not being taken seriously is a disadvantage of being pretty if it also happens to women who aren’t pretty. That was all really.

Another thing though: I have noticed that as a woman you can’t say anything bad about an attractive woman (however valid the criticism and however totally unrelated to her appearance) without someone accusing you of just being jealous because she’s attractive. Funny how no-one ever says “you’re just jealous because she’s cleverer/funnier/kinder than you”…

You need to watch more nature documentaries.

What a fabulous way to boil down the worth of womankind.

That’s just the teen fashion at the moment.

Definitely there are advantages but negatives too. Bring leered at and street harassment constantly. Dealings with men were weird and loaded. Men would often turn nasty pretty quickly if politely rebuffed. Comments to my face about looks / figure by senior male bosses at work. It’s a relief being 40 plus interactions with men are much simpler. I genuinely don’t miss it.

Dd2 whose mid teen but looks like a supermodel has had some weirdness from older women too. She is very well liked by teachers usually but had a young female science teacher who made repeated very unkind “who do you think you are?” type remarks. She is genuinely not a big headed type at all and was quite hurt by an adult saying things like that to her in front of the class.

I question why we need to stoop to saying "something bad" about people, woman or man. I get that the world is full of judgement, but it seems to have got to a ridiculous level, where everyone has to pass comment, criticism and opinion about others. It's a disease.