AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

[HC1718]

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

If you want to go book it for you and your son. Suggest he books something for all of you.

Please tell us he has to wash his own clothes?

You tell your son that his father didn't like the idea of Florida but you wanted a special holiday for him, so you decided the two of you would go and have fun.

I am assuming you are going to see the mouse? I took DGC when she was four. We went near Christmas and stayed at Wilderness Lodge (staying on property was important so we could get around most of WDW without driving. Plus, the ambiance.

If you end up going, please make plans to also visit the Universal Park Orlando. DGD was a bit young, so we didn't go and now I wish I had waited a year or so to go so we could have visited it also.

Go where you and your DS want to go. Your OH sounds like too much work for too little reward. But that's JMHO.

Say this, OP.

There wouldn't be uproar against the husband in this situation. I've seen threads where people on MN have not hesitated to criticise women for being fannylodgers in exactly this sort of scenario.

Sure, he doesn't have to like the holiday - but if it's something his son and wife want to do, any decent man would go along with it out of love for them. And he certainly wouldn't stop them going on their own if he really couldn't bear the prospect.

No, having to do all the organising and take all the mental load whilst fathers sit around watching TV is not what being a mum is. Not in a properly equal partnership. I'm fairly amazed that any man really wants his son see him setting such an appalling example.

My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

The fact that you will be paying for it is irrelevant - paying for things doesn't make you the boss.

That's not to say I think you're totally in the wrong here, as you say you're happy to alternate holiday choices, plus there are obviously other issues (and resentment).

I'd go without him.

Is your DS school age? Just tell DH that it sounds like separate holidays would work best next summer and you’ll take DS to Florida in the week(s) of school holiday you’re covering and he can take DS somewhere or do day trips or whatever he thinks is better than Florida (not being snarky, there’s lots of places I’d rather go personally!) in the week(s) he’s covering. And you can see if you’ve got enough leave for a holiday all together at another time (Easter, half term).

There’s no reason it should cause more of an argument if you don’t do what he wants than if you don’t do what you want. You either need to discuss and possibly compromise (it sounds like he won’t do either of those) or there will inevitably be arguments.

My husband was a high earner. I was a SAHM. HE didn't pay for everything. WE did because WE were, and are, a team. The money HE earned was ours. We just brought different things to the table. That's what marriage is - the making of a team from two different people (in our case, VERY different people). So, in OPs situation, we'd have sat down together and discussed things and come up with a compromise.... because often, in a marriage, that's what you have to do. Compromise. It's flipping difficult, but who said marriage is easy?

Bloody hell @HC1718 I've read some things on here, and I'm usually on the lenient end of LTB, but...

Seriously, you are in danger of - far from giving your son a positive role model about adult males in relationships (sorry if this has already been pointed out) - a completely dysfunctional one in the mistaken belief that your son is better of with his dad living in the same house as you and your son.

The opposite is true (as I suspect nearly every other pp has said). You're a complete mug and doormat if you stay with this cocklodger (and I've never typed that word before, only ever read it!) because that is what he is.

OP, please put your son first, and leave this useless man. He's sucking all the joy out of your life, and your life will be so much simpler when you leave him.

And I'll put money on him being so much less of a 'good dad' if he has to do it without you. He won't want 50/50 - I'll bet my next month's salary you'll be lucky to get him to do EOW and 1 night a week (and I bet he'll find a way not to pay CMS either, because he's so 'poorly paid').

I'm really hoping when I check back you've seen the light OP. Think of your son's life as an adult and his view of healthy relationships. Because he needs to learn from you that your life right now is unacceptable.

' a fairly decent dad'. If that's the best thing you can think of to say about him, I'd kick him to the kerb.

As for your kid - all 5 year olds love people they live with unless they're actively unkind to them. It doesn't mean you're obliged to carry on living with them

Based on your update there’s nothing really any of us can say is there?

You know if he won’t budge that your option is to go without him and have an amazing time with your son (We’ve done Florida a couple of times and it really is amazing and it’s pretty simple at his age to just explain daddy is busy/ working or simply it’s not his cup of tea), or don’t go and stew. I think you already knew you aren’t the unreasonable one here by a long shot but also you seem happy that this is your lot and wont rock the boat.

I’d personally struggle if my OH wouldn’t even consider our DS and what might best for him, and I’d really resent feeling like I was having to miss out on experiences I could provide myself anyway tbh.

You haven’t described him in a particularly positive light, rather as a dad who simply lives with you but does the bare minimum to contribute to actually running a household and engaging in family life and though you argue he’s a good dad his role in your relationship and attitude towards “the family” and your interests don’t seem to reflect that. It doesn’t sound like a fair partnership from the balance you’ve described from the outside, but if you can’t/ won’t make any changes then it is what it is, isn’t it?

100% go without him. I have taken dc away on my own/ with friends/ family and left dh at home. Not for the same reason as you, although there have been times when he hasn't fancied it. Never been an issue with dc. I've just said daddy has to work/ look after the dog.

Your relationship doesn't sound great though tbh. He had an easy ride.

You go without him. 'Daddy's working Darling'.

If you're lucky he'll have packed his bags and fucked off by the time you get back. If he's a great Dad he'll still be a great Dad living elsewhere, but he'll no longer be a leech and a burden.

Which sounds good. But he doesn't sound like he wants fo discuss anything and they aren't a team if op is doing almost everything and he's doing very little.

I think he's using you.You're supposed to be in a partnership but it's completely unbalanced. He's getting his needs met and your not.

He doesn't respect you because even though you do all these things for the family he basically does nothing.

You're basically single because he's not really supporting you.

He doesn't even want to spend time with his family on a holiday. If its not about Florida then where is his alternative?

Why does he even want to be with you then?

Even if he earns less than you he should at least contribute in other ways.

How does he demonstrate his love?

Does he make you meals? Does he take you out? Does he spend time with you and your, or does he only do things when he can benefit personally in some way?

He sounds very selfish and he's not being a good role model for his son because he's teaching him that it's okay to sit and do nothing like some kind of King, and be waited on hand and foot while mummy does everything and that's not right.

This must be mentally exhausting and frustrating.

You're supposed to be in a partnership but it's completely unbalanced. He's getting his needs met whilst you're not.

For god sake, it’s not HER choice of holiday, it’s where their son wants to go, so you’re saying OP needs to compromise between her husband and son and what she’d like to selfishly do doesn’t even come into it, despite being the one funding it.

And as for suggesting a woman who ONLY paid for half of food and a third of the mortgage, paid nothing towards her son and did fuck all around the house but load the dishwasher, would get support on here if she was having a tantrum over her husband wanting to treat their daughter rather than letting her dictate where they were going whilst he paid, you’re utterly deluded.

Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps
When is he a fairly good dad? just because he lives with his child?
Deary me, what a poor example your son is being set to how a man treats his partner.

Of course you're right.

If the roles were reversed has become the standard whinge for any thread where there's no excuse for the man's behaviour. It's wheeled out presumably by WUMs, cool wives, misogynists and women with internalised misogyny.

Whoever they are they always draw analogies to invented threads. The situation described never bears any resemblance to actual threads where the situation is reversed.

Dump him and go with DS.

*did get a dishwasher to make it easier for him and he only has to load/unload it and wash the few hand wash items, LOL. He does mow the lawn and change the light bulbs as well!

When this issue has come up in the past, I have made it clear that I am happy to alternate holidays as I get he wants to go some different places, but his position is that he doesn’t want to go and it’s not even up for discussion (and he is certainly not willing to consider want DS might want to do). It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.*

What a Prince amongst men he is.

And you honestly think you could have done worse in the baby daddy stakes.

I am very sorry for you and your DC.

The money thing is a red herring here. He’s unwilling to compromise or prioritise your son’s enjoyment. How terrifically selfish can you be to not want to give your wife and child a wonderful holiday? And see them enjoying that?

Realistically, you have the upper hand here. Not to punish him for low earning, but to enforce a fair model of holidays. This time is your son’s pick, then your turn, then his. If he opts out of everything but his own enjoyment, then you’re a fool for continuing to choose that as a life for yourself.

Personally I don't think he is setting his son a bad example the op says that she works 7/8 hrs and he works 9/10 hrs both work full time so he is going out to work long hours everyday is this setting a bad example ? She doesn't say what kind of job he does but it could be physically demanding maybe he is tired when he gets in ?
Some one has to look after the household and the child I have seen so many posts on here where men & women seem to underestimate the amount of work that's needed to run a home and look after a child as well as go to work but you need to work like that in order to afford luxury holidays. Maybe he is concerned that florida is too much of a stretch financially or maybe he anticipates months of argument of how she is paying for everything! Personally I would be bit demoralised if I came home after long day at work to my husband complaining about how he will have to pay for everything cos I don't earn enough would def put me off wanting to go on holiday at all if I was being may to feel like I was not contributing.

I think it makes a big difference as to whether there is a compromise situation or not.
I think there’s a big difference between him wanting to dictate the holiday location entirely vs “I don’t want to go to Florida in August”. If the issue is that he doesn’t want a holiday where the temperature could be north of 35 degrees every day with intense humidity and a strong chance of hurricanes, that could be solved by going at a different time of year. If he’s black and worried about police brutality in an increasingly right wing state then perhaps they could go to California instead.

Without knowing the reason or whether OP is willing to compromise at all, how can anyone possibly judge if he’s being unreasonable.

@HC1718
You are correct; this is a first world problem. However, it has a first world solution. Take your son and go without him.

It is not necessary that he go on every trip with you. Of he wants a different vacation let him go where he wants to go.

It sounds a bit as though you are both being passive aggressive. You earn the larger income and you feel entitled to the vacation that you want. I suspect that he is made subtly aware that in terms of travel he is a kept man and he has decided to resist.

I doubt that travel destination is the major issue in your household. I suspect that it is just a symptom of a much larger issue.

I know a lot of people are saying I should leave him, and I have thought about that many a time, but at the end of the day he a fairly decent Dad and my DS would be devastated if he were not around. I certainly could have done a lot worse in the baby daddy sense.

Ffs, he can still be a decent dad when he's not living with you, but actually he isn't a very good role model for your son. In fact no decent father would treat the mother of his son this way.

I think you need to define what a decent dad is. He plays with him? He reads him a bedtime story? How about doing his share of the chores. Or treating his partner with respect. Just the fun stuff then, nothing what a real father actually does.