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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

344 replies

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2023 17:59

Takoneko · 25/08/2023 17:32

Has he given a reason why he doesn’t want to go to Florida? I think the reason does make a difference.

He may have a good reason why HE doesn't want to go, but that's not necessarily a good reason for OP not to take her DS on her own. Sounds as if she can afford it so why shouldn't she go even if he has a 'good reason' for not going himself?

My DH generally didn't go with us to visit my family as he'd have had the choice of hanging out with the 'old folks' or hanging out with my (female) cousins and I as we visited gossiped or took the DC places. Neither appealed to him so he chose to save his holiday time for better things. I had no problem with this and he had no problem with us going without him.

Poivresel · 25/08/2023 17:59

Tell your dh to stay at home then and go to Florida without him.
Hes doing this because it’s his bit of power, he’s saying you may earn more but I’m still in charge, he’s pathetic!

Cynicaltheorist · 25/08/2023 18:02

August in Florida? Really? Not cool — in every sense of the word. I'd be with your partner. Go to Florida for Christmas but in August heat and humidity?

jeaux90 · 25/08/2023 18:03

You have bigger issues here OP than Florida I guess it's just a symptom.

Does he say where he actually does want to go?

I just got back from Florida by the way it was amazing, but I waited until my DD14 was old enough to really enjoy universal. She was never a Disney girl.

You clearly have a stressful job and would like to plan ahead, I am definitely with you there.

What does he propose? If anything?

Dolores87 · 25/08/2023 18:03

He doesn't seem like to bring anything to your table tbh.

I would book it without him

BabyTa · 25/08/2023 18:04

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/08/2023 14:21

I'd go without him, sounds like he would make it a miserable experience if he was there anyway.

I'd also be leaving the CF.

This. Please go without him!

MissAmbrosia · 25/08/2023 18:04

Does he give a valid reason for not wanting to go to Florida? Earning more money is not an excuse for making all the decisions. If my very earning dh announced we were off to Dubai for example, I would go mad and refuse to go. It does sound like he works long days and isn't just a lazy cocklodger type.

devildeepbluesea · 25/08/2023 18:04

Good god, your update makes him sound even worse!

Just get shot of this dead weight and start living your life.

In all honesty, I do despair of how many women put up with such inadequate men simply because they impregnated them. Ditch the twat and what he models to your child in terms of how a relationship should be.

Catastrophejane · 25/08/2023 18:05

Fairyliz · 25/08/2023 17:01

I’m always bemused by these threads. How do people have the brains to be a ‘high’ earner, yet not be able to see how totally unreasonable their partner is being?
Just go on holiday and ditch this useless man.

Because having brains doesn’t protect you from someone who behaves unreasonably. Especially if you fall in love with them.

also sunk costs fallacy.

once you’ve had a child together- it’s not just about you. Emotions are also very different from brains. Anyone who thinks they’d behave perfectly rationally when the person they chose to spend their life with turns out to be a dud is deluding themselves.

as OP has stated, she worries about the impact splitting up would have on DS

Batalax · 25/08/2023 18:11

“Ds and I would like to go. Are you going to come with us or shall we go on our own and perhaps have a few days in the uk with you another time?”

Tuxedomom · 25/08/2023 18:14

This isn't actually about the holiday, is it? I'd refuse Disney, my personal hell, but I'd research, plan, compromise to find a holiday all my family could look forward to.

I am the high earner in my relationship but DH takes his share of the mental load. He is neurodivergent and doesn't always recognise when he needs to step up, but does if I have a straightforward conversation with him.

Have you discussed all these wider issues? He could be genuinely oblivious and spring into action when you point it all out to him. If he doesn't, I'd ditch him and buy a dishwasher.

readbooksdrinktea · 25/08/2023 18:15

You're wasting your life and your money on a complete fucker. Go on holiday without him and sit with that for a bit.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/08/2023 18:15

MMorales · 25/08/2023 14:22

Just go without him.

And maybe reassess your relationship.

This.

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/08/2023 18:16

Just go without him. Tell your son that it's not the sort of holiday his dad enjoys, but you would like to go. Couples don't always holiday together. Unlike a reluctant child, a reluctant adult can safely be left at home.

For the rest, just decide if the relationship is worth it in other ways. I suspect that he just isn't as intelligent or energetic as you are, and that this affects both his earning capacity and practical skills. If there are things (sex? companionship?) that compensate, that is great. Otherwise, may be best to separate sooner rather than later. How long has the relationship lasted so far? Is he your ds' father or his stepfather?

Doteycat · 25/08/2023 18:18

Heres the thing.
Hes a lazy, selfish, self absorbed shite.
Why would you even want to go on holidays with him. Or be with him at all.
You can pay someone to unload the dishwasher.
Outside of that, im totally failing to see what hes bringing to your life.
Apart from misery.
The holiday is the least of your worries, but maybe it may be the catalyst for change for you.

hot2trotter · 25/08/2023 18:18

Staying together for the kid never works.

readbooksdrinktea · 25/08/2023 18:19

decent dad
If that's the best you can say ... it's also easy to be decent when you're not even expected to pay anything toward your own child. He's got it made.

Demand more for yourself.

xyz111 · 25/08/2023 18:19

Why are you with this man, what positives does he actually bring?? Where does he want to go? I love Florida, I've been so many times and I'm just waiting for DS to be a little bit older as it'll be a once in a lifetime holiday for us.

Robotalkingrubbish · 25/08/2023 18:23

I’ve taken my children to Florida twice. Both times we had an amazing holiday and we made lots of cherished memories. We didn’t stay in Orlando, we stayed on the coast. We had a large apartment with a pool. We really enjoyed the beach, the pool and the eating out and the weather. We did Busch Gardens Park, both times we went. Highly recommended. We travelled to Orlando some of the days and did some of the theme parks. We all agreed that we got the balance just right.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 25/08/2023 18:23

The holiday sounds the least of your problems.

Him not contributing equally financially isn’t an issue but him not contributing equally in all other aspects is an issue.

I do think holidays should be an equal decision and I think your DS is too young to spore Disney world Florida.

I personally would compromise and do Disney land France for a couple of days and then another holiday at a different time.

If you usually compromise on holidays and you’re desperate to take your DS at this age then put your foot down.

GrumpyPanda · 25/08/2023 18:26

Personally I detest the very idea of Disney but YA so NBU.

Please tell me you're not actually married to that wanker.

GP78 · 25/08/2023 18:27

Oh god just go without him, better yet dump the useless lump, it does sound like he actually brings anything useful to the partnership 💐

Chris002 · 25/08/2023 18:28

So you both work full time but your pay is a lot higher and he works longer hours. and your saying because you have to pay for everything you should choose, the holiday- maybe he just doesn't fancy an expensive holiday with you paying for everything!!
What would everyone on here say if the role was reversed. If it was you on the lower wage but longer hours and he was the one deciding on the holiday ! What if he was the one calling you out for not doing stuff in the house ! There would be uproar about him being the controlling partner !! He sounds like a hardin
working man who contributes to the food shop and a third of the mortgage. The rest of the organising you do for the home and your son well that's just called being a mum comes with the territory I am afraid and you do work shorter hours !

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 18:29

Also regarding the get a dishwasher comments, I should clarify that I did get a dishwasher to make it easier for him and he only has to load/unload it and wash the few hand wash items, LOL. He does mow the lawn and change the light bulbs as well!

Does he "do the bins" as well?
These prize pricks usually do fuck all else but "doing the bins" absolves them from any other kind of contribution to the family.

He is a useless cocklodger.
And he's a shit dad because he wants to deny his 5 year old child a trip to Florida because he doesn't want to go. If you are a parent you often have to do stuff you don't really want to do because it's something your child really wants to do.

Just go without him. He can choose the next holiday - if you stay with him that long.

And by the way, this is why you should leave. Because he isn't contributing fairly either financially or in other ways. You say you don't believe the only contribution to the family is financial and that is so true but if someone can't contribute equally financially they need to be contributing in other ways and he isn't.

I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial

JanieEyre · 25/08/2023 18:29

It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

Tell him "DS and I are going to Florida and we are not discussing it any further" if he tries to argue. And that if he does make a mega fuss, he is going to have to explain to DS why he can't go when you go on your own or with friends.