to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

[HomeEduDilemma]

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

You are the parent and sometimes you need to make unpopular decisions. It sounds like you know it won't actually benefit either child. You don't need to be popular, you need to do what is best.

You don't need to be popular, you need to do what is best.

Ironically I suspect this is what most home educating parents are doing. Not what's popular but what's best for their child.

@Dryona

But it is the default, because you have to apply for school. Home education is the default, that's just factually correct.

That's just a technicality though, as I said upthread. It's technically the case that you have to apply for a school place. But as you well know if you don't satisfy the LA that you can provide HE and you just didn't send your kids to school the LA would come after you.

It depends on your definition of the word "default" and this is all pedantry (and I'm guilty too). But I think it really stretches credulity to argue that the behaviour of a small, self-selecting and overwhelmingly affluent group of parents should be classed as "default" behaviour.

My siblings and I were homeschooled for a few years in primary. Max 2 hours a day of work- the rest of the time was play. We went back to state school for secondary by which time we were so far ahead of our peers on the curriculum. We all left school with 10A*-A gcse grades.

It’s not the amount of time spent at the desk that matters- good homeschooling means children can spend less time catering to the needs and distractions of the rest of the class when they are supposed to be learning, and therefore more time on play and creativity.

This made me chuckle.

People look at me like I had two heads when I say that I home educate.

It was definitely best for my kids, my mother barely talked to me as 'children should be in school', she's had to eat her words now.

Can I just point out that not all autistic/ND children are academic and studious. Mine aren't. They got below average grades on the few GCSEs they took. That was still an achievement for them though.
I couldn't have used HE with them, but they did thrive in the right school setting. I'm not really pro or anti Home Ed. I think it depends on the family and if you can afford it.

Another classic misconception just arose I see. That all HE families are ‘affluent’ 🙄

. But you and others have argued that home schooling should be the default. Default means if followed to its logical conclusion that there would be no provision of basic, free education other than by the parents. That's a very dangerous road to go down.

I haven't argued that it should be the default. Legally it is the default. Unless you apply for a school place you end up home educating.

"2.1 As parents, you - not the state - are responsible for ensuring that your child, if he or
she is of compulsory school age, is properly educated. Despite the term ‘compulsory
school age’, education does not have to be undertaken through attendance at school,
even though the parents of any child living in England can request a state-funded school
place and the local authority is obliged to find one - or make alternative arrangements for
education of your child.
2.2. There is no legislation that deals with home education as a specific approach.
However, Section 7 of the Education Act 1996 provides that:
The parent of every child of compulsory school age shall cause him to receive
efficient full-time education suitable -
(a) to his age, ability and aptitude, and
(b) to any special educational needs he may have,
either by regular attendance at school or otherwise
Elective home education is a form of ‘education otherwise"
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/elective-home-educationhttps://www.gov.uk/government/publications/elective-home-education

she said 'overwhelmingly affluent'. That's obviously not the same as saying all home schoolers are affluent.

,It's technically the case that you have to apply for a school place

No, you really do not have to apply for a school place!

I haven't heard a peep from my LA in three years, and that's not for lack of engagement on my part. For all they know all my child is doing is watching TV for 12 hours a day in a locked room and they would be none the wiser (he isn't).

Of course they aren't.

My DD isn't going to do as well as her brother. She will still do better than she could have done in school as the environment was so damaging to her.

For many autistic children the right school will be the best option for the whole family and if they can cope in school then there is no issue.

Mine really couldn't cope in mainstream and they were not suitable for the local SEN school which are for moderate or severe LDs.

A NT child of 6 does not get to decide whether to go to school or not.

Definitely agree with this.

Other than your older child being at home, your younger one would never have thought about it etc. It’s normal to not want to go back to school after the holidays.

It’s normal to not want to go back to school after the holidays

Wouldn't it be great if it wasn't normal? Wouldn't it be better if it was normal to look forward to going back to school?

Yes I am aware...my dad ran his own business and was involved in some household inventions, my brother has a full time job he's late 50s my nephew has more issues with socialisation and going out but has a son but they all need various types of support

Why? Home education is a fantastic option for a child!

Right?!

People will often give this exact reason as to why it's best to send kids to school - so they learn to do things they don't want to do, life is tough etc etc. What a life lesson! No wonder there are so many miserable, unfulfilled, bitter adults stuck in jobs and relationships they hate if we consider this to be an essential life lesson all children must learn.

I mean naturally we must do some things we don't enjoy - housework, smear tests, a crappy bar job whilst at college - but do I, as an adult, regularly have to force myself to spend the majority of my day at a place I don't want to be? No thanks. Never have, never will.

Siblings often feel the other gets a better deal/ more attention; it’s the nature of the relationship. It’s true before you bring special needs into it.

I would talk up school for her, and try and make sure that you’re expressing positivity about it. You may inadvertently be conveying some negativity to her and dc have a strong drive to align themselves with their dps.

I have two with vastly differing needs so I know how tricky it can be to navigate these waters. It can feel like we’re always falling short, and that guilt is insidious. Be careful not to make decisions out of guilt. It never really goes away and there’s always a new issue to make you second guess yourself.

School return is always a bit hard. I think waiting til midterm is a very good move. But make your decision before you’re dealing with that sad Sunday night when midterm ends!

And then what suddenly having to deal with classroom systems, new friends who all know how it works, puberty, the distractions of being in a large social group and concentrating.

This.

Equate it to food - ice cream for every meal.

HE looks to suit your son. Probably not your daughter - and if she ends up being HE then it may well have a detrimental effect on your son's HE.

Perhaps some interesting things for her at the end of her school day? Do some of the more fun HE things for them both at the weekend?

I don’t think we question enough the things we have normalised about childhood. Especially around school.

They both need to be in school to learn to socialise, compromise, function in society.

Home educated children do learn to socialise, compromise and function in society.

Statistically, most of the anti-social, non-compromising, and non-functional individuals in our society will have gone to school.

Are you aware that home educated children don’t live in a vacuum? Isn’t it funny how my children can do all of those things despite having never set foot in a school.