to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

[HomeEduDilemma]

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

I see what you're saying. I don't think I agree that school is the only, or even best, way to achieve this though.

All of this could be taught within a good homeschooling environment. I think the real issue is that not all homeschool environments are good, but then neither are all schools. It's really about good educational environments vs poor ones. Not really a homeschool vs school issue.

I went to school and I don't think I learnt any of those things really. Learnt to disengage and look out of the window when something didn't interest me....and I am great at daydreaming now so wasn't a complete waste.

Exactly. This isn't about the home education, it's about a child who wants to stay home and spend time with their mum because she's jealous of her brother. I suspect if she was removed from school she would be desperate to go back, as from what the OP has said she loves school. Home education isn't the answer to the OPs problem, and altering her working pattern so both children get some 1-1 time would be a much better solution.

I agree with the posters who are saying this feels like it is going to benefit you rather than your DD. The end of summer can be a difficult time anyway with some children loving parents being around, relaxed nature of the days etc. Your DD is also thriving in school. If she’s clingy and enjoys being with you then it must be really hard seeing her brother at home with you having fun and she wants that to continue. However your son is benefiting from having the one to one during the day, he’s also mature enough to do his own thing giving you the space to do the necessary jobs. Adding a six year old in will change the dynamic and it will change things.

I agree with the posters that say you need to carve out one to one time with your DD in order to make this work. That might be changing your work shifts, it might be two days after school making it just your time and your son does his own thing whilst you do arts and crafts, or what ever activity she wants to do. Sacrificing the ability just to go swimming or out one day a week would be worth it. I would review towards Christmas and give it more than one half term. It takes time to settle with new teachers and that will be more realistic.

I have to say I admire home educators, it isn’t for me at all!

It makes a massive difference and to claim it doesn’t pisses on the four years of university education and teaching practise required to get the qualification.

Really gets my goat when people think teaching children is something any Tom, Dick or Harry can do. Whilst accepting that for a small number of children school does not work, nobody confidently announces they’re going to take out their child’s appendix on the dining room table, do they?

Teaching is a skilled, educated profession.

OP send your child to school. Treating children fairly doesn’t always mean giving them the same thing.

I was in a similar situation but slightly older children. My younger neurotypical child definitely needs time away from their ASD sibling - and this increased very dramatically as they got older (and the ASD child faced a whole host of new challenges which has taken us by surprise and is utterly exhausting).

My husband also has an older sibling with ASD and also needed their own life away from their ASD sibling. Your DS very probably needs a great deal of your attention too. Also consider if you do keep her at home and things get difficult, you may need her to go back into school again and she will be very unprepared/might not get a school place etc.

If your daughter is thriving at school, I wouldn't entertain the idea of taking her out. Think very carefully if you would really be meeting her needs, especially in the future, by keeping her at home, or if it was more about an imagined, idyllic home school experience or something else.

I agree with others that what she really wants is more time with you.

Could your DH look after your DS after school 1-2 days a week so that you could pick DD up and have some 1:1 time together? Then you wouldn't have to change your working pattern and DS still gets 1:1 with a parent as well.

lifeturnsonadime I don't think this is a similar situation at all. I don't think the OP's younger child is neurodiverse. I completely understand the choices you made but I don't think they apply here.

Teaching is highly skilled. Do you know what the most skilled part of teaching in the traditional sense is? Managing the classroom. Effectively engaging 20+ kids of different abilities across varied subjects. These things are irrelevant to home education.

Home educators choosing to home educate is not a personal criticism of or attack on schools, or the abilities of teachers. I do not think the school environment is the best place for my child. Please trust that that's a judgement I've made taking a lot of different factors into consideration, not something I've decided on a whim because I don't like the school run.

I agree with others that what she really wants is more time with you.

I would agree with this too. I go away with my younger child without their sibling a few times a year so they get my undivided attention.

What is so wrong with wanting to be at home with your family, with your sibling and your parent(s)? The OPs DD is only 6. In most European countries formal education does not even begin until they are at least 7 and they soon pass UK school children academically and socially because free play is recognised as an important part of children’s development.

@Dryona sadly yes. But actually whilst home educators are obviously generally very pro home ed. Most of us also appreciate that for some kids (most even) school is the better option. In my experience, conversations amongst home edders are usually balanced along the lines of "home ed is great for some, school is great for some. Neither is a one fits all best option"

I agree. Say you can review at half term or at Christmas. Likely just wobbles before going back, having been at home all summer. Sounds like it benefits DS being home educated, and having DD there could disrupt this.

@NuffSaidSam

In theory I agree and I don’t think schools are a panacea. And no doubt many HEs do a brilliant job of providing a varied and enriching curriculum.

But in this specific situation the needs of the older children (who has SEN) are paramount and the curriculum is based around this.

Adapting this to flex with the needs of a more socially normative child without compromising their social and intellectual development is going to be very difficult and demanding and I’m not convinced the OP is thinking clearly about this

apologies if this mentioned i only read OP replies. but..... shes 6. 6 year olds dont make big decisions like this. you are the parent and for her, school will be the best place. focus on your son that needs HE

Yes, totally. I don't think I've seen a single home educator refuse to send their child back to school if the child has requested to try it, for instance. I myself frequently ask my DS if he'd like to go to school. If he says yes, he can go. I haven't got an issue with that.

And if she is very attached to you, can you make plans for just you two to do activities together at the weekends, as a compromise? Sounds like that is what she wants.

Why should school always be the default!?
and home ed a last resort?! Am truly baffled by such a black and white statement (I’m an ex teacher turned home educating parent). Surely school is the experiment and home education is what has been happening for centuries…

The majority of them attend pre-school though. So they're not solely at home with mother until they're 7.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be at home with family. But there are other ways to allow the OP to spend more time with her daughter that also means the child doesn't have be removed from the school they enjoy and the friends they've made there.

The countries you mention may not begin formal education till later, but that doesn't mean the children are at home with their parents. Many will be in nurseries or environments that are very similar to reception.

Exactly. Home education is the default. School is opt in in the UK, not opt out.

Home educated children also aren't solely "at home with mother".

It is a similar situation. The children have similar age differences and whether both children are NT or ND all children have different needs. If there is enough time in the day to give 2 ND kids 1-1 attention (which is what I did while my 2 were both home educated) then there definitely is enough for the OP and her two kids if that's the route she chooses to take.

Incidentally my youngest (DD) didn't have any diagnosis before she stopped going to school that came later, girls present differently and some fall through the net, I'm not saying that OPs DD is ND but sometimes these things do run in families.

I'm also not saying that I think that OP should remove her DD from school unless it's what they both want to do just that an idea that she would not manage because eldest is ND is wrong.

@picturethispatsy

Why should school always be the default!?
and home ed a last resort?

1. Most families aren’t set up for one parent to be exclusively focused on education. Most can’t afford it.
2. Most parents aren’t qualified to teach a whole curriculum.
3. The majority of children need to develop social skills that prepare them for adulthood and work.

In this specific situation I totally agree that the DD should go back to school in September (even if they later decide to homeschool). I wouldn't change the method of education for any child who is 'thriving', school or homeschool.

I was responding to the pp's statement 'What is so wrong with wanting to be at home with your family, with your sibling and your parent(s)? The OPs DD is only 6. In most European countries formal education does not even begin until they are at least 7'. implying these European children have a limited social circle and it's no harm if the OP's daughter has similar.

Thanks,.