to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

[HomeEduDilemma]

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

Is she resentful or jealous of the attention your son is getting?

It would be a very natural response for a child.

I would take steps to ensure she gets plenty of 'special time' with you, lots of attention, plenty of time for you to listen to her concerns and feelings and lots of reassurances that you love her and enjoy being with her.

FWIW I don't think this sounds like it's about home educating so much as about the connection/relationship between you and your DD.

Gosh some of the posts on here!

OP I have been in a similar situation, my eldest (DS) came out of school when he was 9 because of unmet needs and school refusal.

My youngest (DD) continued in school for a couple of years and then didn't want to go.

Both of mine are ND but have differing needs (which 2 kids don't! )

In the end I home educated both, for the primary years it was fairly informal and then we picked which GCSEs to focus on so that they could get on to next stage which for DS was mainstream 6th form for college and DD is about to go into year 10. DS only took 6 GCSEs and DD will do the same.

Now for all of the naysayers about this approach my DS is very capable of socialising in college and has been approached by a teacher, after excellent year 12 results, to apply for his chosen subject at Oxford University. He is on track for 3 A* A levels, he has incredible work ethic despite being autistic and having been homeschooled. His approach to learning is much more mature than his peers, some of whom have struggled with the transition to A Level because if you are home educated you have to develop self learning skills in a way you don't if you are spoon fed in school.

OP I think I might let your DD go to half term and see if she is still asking BUT If you've both got your heart set on home ed then go for it. It wasn't without bickering in our house but you can definitely give both kids 1-1 for the time they need to do formal learning.

Good luck.

@AnIndianWoman in a normal state classroom how many minutes per hour do you think a child is either focused on the teacher or actively working?

Seriously I think they calculated it is less than 20 minutes each hour.

Your niece was clearly very able and happy doing extended work and capable of achieving entry to an academically selective school. No doubt she had the ability but she may not have achieved that with an average state school, most that do have extensive additional tutoring.

I bet she doesn't realise that he has to do schoolwork too.

I would take this opportunity in a heart beat. I regret not doing this with my teens when I had the chance.
Apologies for not having read the whole thread, but have you explored the option of her being in school for part of the week or if they would allow you to take her out for a half term to try it out?

She loves sitting down with me to do 'work' - she chose to learn to read and write before starting school. She'd be more than happy to sit down and do a maths lesson beside him every day.

Of course she should go to school. She is having normal young kid emotions at the end of the holidays. She should be given the social and academic opportunities that a school provides.

Thanks for this. Is always good to hear about outcomes for older HE kids.

I think we will send her to school and review at half term.
And I will approach the school about doing part time flexischooling as well.

In my experience if they are both home educated they are probably less likely to fight and bicker as they'll become each others best friend a lot of the time.

Home educators are normal parents, of course it works or people wouldn't do it.
Your preference and the preference of the person who visited you (probably someone who had never been a teacher or a home educator by the way) is great if it worked for you but certainly isn't the best or only way for everyone.

6 year olds aren't good at rational thinking and they live in the moment so it is very unlikely that she has fully grasped the reality. I would never want to home educate a child that was thriving in school. There is a lot more to primary school than just learning academically.

I think I would say to her that she has to go to school for now and that her brother didn't start home education until he was 9 so you can talk about it again when she is older.

I think we will send her to school and review at half term.
And I will approach the school about doing part time flexischooling as well.

Many schools aren't supportive of flexi-schooling as they are responsible for the education of children on roll, and removing her for part of the week will also raise questions about attendance, especially as she is over 5.

You've admitted yourself that she doesn't actually want to stay home because she likes the idea of home education, it's all because she wants to spend time with you. I think trying to change your work pattern is the best long term solution, or else your DD is going to end up very resentful of her brother, as he's the one going on all the special trips out and spending so much 1-1 time with you.

OP is a teacher so fair enough.

You don't need to be a teacher, I'm not a teacher!

That might be down to having no other best friends to choose from.

OP your DD needs to go back to school and make the most of the variety of opportunities there. She's also signalling, not very subtly, that she wants more time with you.

At six the only way she can verbalise this is to say she wants to be home educated because that's how her brother gets to be with you. That's your real problem.

I am surprised you are indulging the whims of a six year old who seems pretty happy at school.

Just be sure you are doing this for her and not for yourself.

Seems to me from reading your replies that in your heart you actually would like to home ed them both.

You know from other families that home edding multiple children, even with additional needs, can and does work.

But your DH has a right to a say too and so I'd agree to send her back for the first term and review at Christmas break with DH.

If daughter is thriving and son is thriving then I wouldn't 'fix it' as it's obviously not broken, and she can still participate in home ed life around school stuff. At her age, I would even be willing to let her have a day off and attend special home ed workshops with you both a few times a year.

If, however, you're having more and more battles then I'd be telling DH you've tried it his preferred way and you'd like to try it your way. My DH was wary about home edding middle son at first but we, like you, had no choice. He's not a candidate for special school but mainstream was making his life miserable. Once we were in it, DH soon changed his tune and he's now a big advocate for HE. He has even suggested removing youngest to HE too, but he has an EHCP and place at a very good SEN school so I'm loathe to let that go unless absolutely certain. Perhaps opening the edu conversation up more frequently or having him see the opportunities your DD would also have first hand might be an option?

I’d take her out and HE her. You will soon adapt to having both children with you, and you son will benefit from having someone to explore museums etc with. Also his own social circle may expand as you take your daughter to HE groups and meet ups that he may not attend otherwise. You can always put her back into school if it doesn’t work out, but I think you will be surprised at how easy you will adapt. Trust your instincts on this.

I've NC for this as MN is so incredibly judgy about home education, but I cannot say this enough - if you are a teacher you are not necessarily better equipped to educate your child at home than any other parent.

So much of teaching in the traditional sense is about classroom management and what it takes to teach the same topic to 20 different children of different abilities, none of which is relevant to home education.

My Y4 child is home educated (has been since halfway through reception), and academically is lightyears ahead of his schooled peers.

People don't want to hear that though, they want to hear he cannot read or write. And if they do believe me that he is academically ahead, they want to hear that he is socially behind. They certainly don't expect to hear that he has a nice and varied group of friends (both home educated and schooled), whom he sees on a regular basis.

If you home educate people assume that your child is either clever but socially stunted, or highly social but academically behind, or both socially stunted AND academically behind. Everyone is so ingrained that school is the only way and the best way that they are utterly closed to the idea that maybe it isn't the only way or the best way. Either that or they take the fact your child is home educated as a personal insult because their children go to school, or say "well most people wouldn't be able to home educate", as if that's in any way relevant to your individual situation and what you, personally, are able to do.

If your child is home educated and has any problems, socially or academically, that is immediately put down to the fact that they are home educated. Yet most adults in this country have been educated at school, and most children in this country are being educated at school, and their problems, academic or social, are never put down to this fact.

No, a 6 year old doesn’t get to make decisions like this. She won’t thank you as an adult if you pull her out and stop her having a normal school life.

This.

@NuffSaidSam

Why would we want to teach children to learn things they're not interested in day in and day out for 13 years?!

Well, you're not teaching them things they're not interested in day in day out. As you point out, you want them to find something they are interested in and pursue that. But it has to be a mix. There will always be some subjects a child is passionate about and some it is distinctly nonplussed by but you can't exclusively focus only on what interests you throughout school.

Children have to learn that society won't always accommodate their interests and that they won't always be able to choose exactly what they do. Obviously a child who has a talent or a passion for something should be encouraged to pursue this and supported in this. But the reality is an awful lot of children (probably most) won't be able to make a living pursuing their passion and encouraging them to think this is some sort of entitlement is a very slippery slope.

Learning the discipline of applying yourself to something, whether you are passionate about it or not, will give you the tools to extend this discipline to any subject and any scenario you find yourself in. If you don't end up being a talented dancer, scientist, doctor or actress, you are better able to adapt yourself to the life which you find yourself in.

OP there is A LOT of ignorance and false assumptions about home ed on this thread. I suggest you seek advice from actual home edders (current and former).

Someone will be along in a minute to say that OP shouldn't do that as home educators are all biased, despite no one ever saying that those who choose to send their children to school are biased in that direction.