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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

379 replies

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 11:46

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:42

duvetdayy · 25/08/2023 13:38

Ok, well we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on that one. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Show quote history

It's hard for people who have only experienced school-based education to understand how home education works in practice, I do understand that.

OP posts:
Whinge · 25/08/2023 13:43

whereismysleep · 25/08/2023 13:35

Is there any way you can change your working pattern so you are at home one weekend day, and can do fun stuff with your DD then?

I'm also wondering if this is possible. The poor thing sees how much fun you're having with her brother and feels sad that she never gets the same 1-1 time with you. Where are her trips out? Her time to do arts and crafts with just you? She's probably only asking to stay home because she wants to spend some time with you. She's sent to school every day while you stay home having fun with her brother, and then when the weekend comes you're at work.

I wouldn't remove her from school because I don't actually think she wants to be home educated. But I definitely think you need to look at your working pattern so your DD is able to spend some 1-1 time with you.

Stillcantbebothered · 25/08/2023 13:43

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/08/2023 11:59

It’s easy for your DH to say you should do it. I wouldn’t want to HE either of my children but I definitely wouldn’t want to HE both of them.

Her hubby is the one pushing for her to go to school while OP wants to give in and keep her at home.

AnIndianWoman · 25/08/2023 13:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

urghhh47 · 25/08/2023 13:43

As a home educator with children who are ND, children that have been through the school system from beginning to end, children that have never been in the school system and others who have been in and out i can very confidently say that:

  1. The education system fails most children most of the time.
  2. All children benefit from an education that is built around their own interests and needs.
  3. You have to give all your children the same opportunities so if one is home educated you should imo offer the same opportunity to the others.
  4. Those where in the school versus home education balance tips in favour of school they will choose to return to school.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/08/2023 13:44

I wouldn't do this no.

What a 6 year old needs is very different to what a 9 year old needs. When my eldest was 6 she always wanted to stay at home with me and her younger sibling. She would have loved to not go to school. Now she is 8 her friends are so much more important to her, she has an established group and she is upset if she is off school as she feels like she is missing out. I'd be wary of taking her out then finding it difficult to get her back in. She will miss out on so much playing, socialising etc that will be hard to replicate with home Ed

I'd frame it to her as her brother started at home when he was 8 and had learnt the basics at school so she has to get to year x as well and then you can decide together. As that is 'fair'

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 25/08/2023 13:44

6yo's don't get to decide how they're educated.

However, there seems to be a huge imbalance here - if you're home all week with your 9yo and then work all weekend, I'm not surprised she's upset.

When does she get any quality time with you?

chocorabbit · 25/08/2023 13:44

Thesearmsofmine · 25/08/2023 13:27

You don’t need to have a set reason to home educate. Of course many find themselves doing it due to SEN or bullying or other reasons but many of us choose to go down this route simply because we want to.

You could deregister and see how it goes, school isn’t going anywhere she can always go back at a later point.

Or because somebody wants her DC to do 11+ tests every waking hour (yup, I know such a person) or because somebody else can't be bothered to wake up after long nighters to take their children to school and none of them gain any GCSEs (again true situation) so yes, unfortunately, you don't have to give any reason so socialisation, learning class and society rules, and building friendships is not important enough.

DorasAuntie · 25/08/2023 13:44

I am genuinely concerned as to how, as a non-qualified teacher, you could provide the best for each child with a 3 year age difference.

Also, your DD will benefit from mixing socially with her peers.

I have worked as a home-ed teacher (supporting families) and on balance would say that the majority of children benefit from being at school.

It's not as simple as you have the time and want her at home as she's 'only little once'.

It's about her social and educational development.

MumblesParty · 25/08/2023 13:46

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:40

Sure I'm right about what?

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about home schooling your daughter. You are disagreeing with every post that suggests school is best for her.

RandomMess · 25/08/2023 13:46

I think your DD has an unrealistic expectation of how many meet-ups there will be etc and as you said very much miss the social side.

I would be factual that she has to attend school until the end of X year the same as her brother did.

FarEast · 25/08/2023 13:46

In many other European countries, children don't start school until they're 7, although they're generally in some form of Kindergarten / age-appropriate educational setting. Keeping her at home for another year wouldn't hurt.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:47

Whinge · 25/08/2023 13:43

I'm also wondering if this is possible. The poor thing sees how much fun you're having with her brother and feels sad that she never gets the same 1-1 time with you. Where are her trips out? Her time to do arts and crafts with just you? She's probably only asking to stay home because she wants to spend some time with you. She's sent to school every day while you stay home having fun with her brother, and then when the weekend comes you're at work.

I wouldn't remove her from school because I don't actually think she wants to be home educated. But I definitely think you need to look at your working pattern so your DD is able to spend some 1-1 time with you.

Show quote history

Yeah, I think this is definitely it. She wants to be with me and she can see home ed is lots of fun.
I can try to change my working pattern but then it will definitely mean less time to devote to home ed for my son. Even if I can work from home, we won't be able to just go swimming or take trips to museums, meet up with other home educators.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 25/08/2023 13:48

FarEast · 25/08/2023 13:46

In many other European countries, children don't start school until they're 7, although they're generally in some form of Kindergarten / age-appropriate educational setting. Keeping her at home for another year wouldn't hurt.

except she'd probably lose her school place, at the school OP says is excellent.

ButterCrackers · 25/08/2023 13:50

Tell her that she’ll be going to school at a school. If her brother could go to a school he would also be at school. Explain that he needs the focus from you for his education and that she will do well at school. Have a chat with the teacher about this so that they know the situation if there’s any problems.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:50

RandomMess · 25/08/2023 13:46

I think your DD has an unrealistic expectation of how many meet-ups there will be etc and as you said very much miss the social side.

I would be factual that she has to attend school until the end of X year the same as her brother did.

He hasn't gone to school full time since he was her age (covid shutdowns, home educating and part time school) so that's not a good argument unfortunately 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:51

DorasAuntie · 25/08/2023 13:44

I am genuinely concerned as to how, as a non-qualified teacher, you could provide the best for each child with a 3 year age difference.

Also, your DD will benefit from mixing socially with her peers.

I have worked as a home-ed teacher (supporting families) and on balance would say that the majority of children benefit from being at school.

It's not as simple as you have the time and want her at home as she's 'only little once'.

It's about her social and educational development.

I am a qualified teacher, not that I think that makes a huge amount of difference.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/08/2023 13:53

It's not up to you have a rational argument with her.

His home was was due to Covid then because of his needs.

Firm but fair. We will look at home Ed for key stage 2 when you can work by yourself better when I am working and you squabble less with your brother.

AnIndianWoman · 25/08/2023 13:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Whinge · 25/08/2023 13:57

I can try to change my working pattern but then it will definitely mean less time to devote to home ed for my son. Even if I can work from home, we won't be able to just go swimming or take trips to museums, meet up with other home educators.

Honestly, I think even if it means you son is missing out a bit by changing shifts it's still worth it. Right now you have a 6 year old who never gets to spend 1-1 time with you. She spends the week at school and then doesn't see you on the weekends because you're working. Surely it's worth you son missing out on the occasional swim or museum trip if it means your daughter actually gets to spend some time with you?

Ponoka7 · 25/08/2023 14:00

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:32

I don't want to prioritise one child over the other though, or for her to feel like the most important thing to us was meeting her brother's needs.

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This is one of those times when equal isn't fair. There's going to be times when one child's needs has to come first, even as adults. My autistic youngest did get a lot of my time, I made time for shopping trips with my middle one. Now as adults I'm my middle one's childcare. It's swings and roundabouts.

Starlightstarbright2 · 25/08/2023 14:01

I think you are defending your position rather than thinking through..

if you want to home Ed them both and Dh agrees but at 6 . Once drop off has happened they forget about you for the day.. she enjoyed school was thriving so not sure why you don’t give that a chance .

I also say as a mum of an boy with autism- teen years were so challenging - I am glad there were no siblings in the mix .

Treating 2 children with different needs the same isn’t treating them equally .

The3Ls · 25/08/2023 14:03

Consider Flexi schooling? Might be a nice happy medium. Was best of both worlds for us

mybestchildismycat · 25/08/2023 14:03

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 25/08/2023 13:44

6yo's don't get to decide how they're educated.

However, there seems to be a huge imbalance here - if you're home all week with your 9yo and then work all weekend, I'm not surprised she's upset.

When does she get any quality time with you?

This. This setup does seem really unfair to your DD, although I appreciate that you are undoubtedly doing your best and that there are no easy solutions. One of my DC has had significant MH struggles and has needed a great deal of my time and support, which inevitably impacts the other DC, so I understand how difficult it can be to make these calls.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 14:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

I'm not sure who advised you, but there is no requirement to follow any curriculum, timetable anything or do a 6+ hour day. To me your approach sounds very extreme but I'm glad it worked for you.

OP posts:
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