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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

379 replies

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 11:46

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
DragonFly98 · 25/08/2023 12:53

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2023 12:37

That's an absurd generalisation. School is the best option for most children in most circumstances.

There are obviously some children (such as the OP's older child) for whom school is unworkable and certain households will be able to home educate to a very high standard.

But if all children were home educated it would have huge ramifications for the way children are socialised and prepared for adult life.

I'm fully supportive of HE where its appropriate for the child and manageable by the parents but the idea that it should become default is not sensible at all.

OP I would send your younger child to school unless there's a very compelling reason not to.

Show quote history

I would say that your comment is an absurd generalisation. Why would you think that a primary school child learns better 30:1 with a fixed curriculum than 2:1 with a curriculum tailor made for their needs, with the opportunity for daily groups to meet their specific interests, with children of varying ages mimicking wider society and the workplace.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/08/2023 12:54

felisha54 · 25/08/2023 12:52

Just seen your update about working weekends. I think it's really important to carve some 1:1 throughout the week with your dd, either in the evenings when your dh is around. Otherwise resentment might build up,

I agree.

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/08/2023 12:56

we don't really do a lot of 'proper lessons' to be honest, or at least the formal stuff we do is pretty short - it's not sitting at a desk for 4/5/6 hours a day. A lot of it is playing games, art and crafts and fun trips!

Yeah, playing and days out sound a lot more fun than school tbh. I can see why she's feeling hard done by. Is this what homeschooling normally looks like? I'm no Mr Gradgrind, but is it meeting his needs in terms of a proper education?

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:56

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 12:50

So, the real problem is, you want to homeschool your DD and your husband isn't on board?

It's a tough one. He's clearly got a point as you can see from all these posts supporting his position. Have you tried talking to him about why you want her at home? Rather than passing off that it's all her request. If you lay out what you think the benefits would be maybe he will come round to try it.

I would just go slowly and not make this decision during the summer, get her back in September and then review from there.

What does your DS think?

I think she would definitely enjoy home ed.

But I worry that she might not get back into her (very good) school later if she wanted to go back.
And that she would miss out on socialising and friends - it's harder to replicate that at home although we do regularly meet up with several other families.
Plus it would be harder work for me - she is very clingy whereas my son is pretty self-sufficient, I can leave my son at home while his dad wfh or with my teen and do things for myself whereas it's harder to leave a 6 year old.
And added to that - dealing with sibling bickering. Often they are lovely together but they also wind each other up a lot.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 25/08/2023 12:57

Something else I’d like to add.

My older brother was on the autistic spectrum. HE wasn’t a thing back in those days, so he went to school but didn’t enjoy it and didn’t do well. I thrived at school, was sociable and benefitted from everything school had to offer.

I adored my brother. He was only 15 months older than me and we were the best of friends. When I was little I would have been happy to spend my days with my brother and my Mum, that was all I needed. But as I got older - maybe around 10ish - I began to realise that he wasn’t quite like most people. I still loved him and enjoyed his company, but I really valued my other life too. At home we lived a certain way due to his condition (undiagnosed at the time) - nothing major, just subtle life adjustments. If I had been kept in that environment for a lot of the time, it would have had an adverse affect on me.

I needed my life that was separate from home life, and I expect your DD will be the same as time passes.

Smartiepants79 · 25/08/2023 13:03

I agree with others. Send her back to school and see how she gets on. If she was happy and thriving at school it seems a bit drastic to remove her. She isn’t really old enough to choose for herself as she can’t understand the long term consequences.
Having her at home may be right but is sounds like it may have some negative points.

  • taking away the 1-1 your son needs
  • going forward some time away from her sibling may be valuable to her.
make a pact with yourself that the time from 3:30 onwards is to be dedicated mum and daughter time.
PalomaPalomaPaloma · 25/08/2023 13:04

YourNameGoesHere · 25/08/2023 12:12

That's a very narrow viewpoint though which doesn't take into account any of the information we have about the OPs situation. How will it be a nicer experience for her children to spend their time bickering and for her son to miss out on getting any education simply because his sister thinks he's getting a better deal because he's at home with mum?

Show quote history

It's not a viewpoint. Legally home education is the default. According to the Education Act parents are responsible for ensuring their children receive an education that complies with the law. You can send your child to school or educate them yourself.

Anyway, OP could you say to your DD that she should give school another chance? Perhaps say that you will take her out after Christmas if that's something she still wants by then.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:05

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/08/2023 12:56

we don't really do a lot of 'proper lessons' to be honest, or at least the formal stuff we do is pretty short - it's not sitting at a desk for 4/5/6 hours a day. A lot of it is playing games, art and crafts and fun trips!

Yeah, playing and days out sound a lot more fun than school tbh. I can see why she's feeling hard done by. Is this what homeschooling normally looks like? I'm no Mr Gradgrind, but is it meeting his needs in terms of a proper education?

I think it probably is what home ed normally looks like, we're actually on the more structured/formal end compared to the other home ed families we know 😆
We follow the national curriculum for maths, and do 15-20 minutes 4 times a week.
Read every day and do some art, science and english once a week each.
He's doing an online craft course at the moment and is learning some programming, he does swimming and a cookery class and has lots of time to follow his own interests.
Lots of trips and group activities when we can - there's a home ed day at the Science Museum in London in September, we're going to a home ed history day about the Victorians at another museum in a couple of months. Casual social meet ups every week.
He's working above age related expectations for reading, maths and science and below for writing, but I am looking at teaching him touch typing.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 25/08/2023 13:07

Send her to school!she will love it.There are no advantages at all to have them both with you .
Both will suffer.
You must grow a backbone,being wishy washy with this will only end up in a big puddle of mess.

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 13:09

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:56

I think she would definitely enjoy home ed.

But I worry that she might not get back into her (very good) school later if she wanted to go back.
And that she would miss out on socialising and friends - it's harder to replicate that at home although we do regularly meet up with several other families.
Plus it would be harder work for me - she is very clingy whereas my son is pretty self-sufficient, I can leave my son at home while his dad wfh or with my teen and do things for myself whereas it's harder to leave a 6 year old.
And added to that - dealing with sibling bickering. Often they are lovely together but they also wind each other up a lot.

Show quote history

I think she needs to go back to school doesn't she?

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:10

jannier · 25/08/2023 12:46

Give her a break from time with her brother let her make her own friends realistically if he's not able to be in school she's going to be a carer in some form as an adult.

I don't think he's going to need a carer.

Are you aware many, many autistic people have jobs, homes, partners, families? Austism doesn't automatically mean someone won't live independently.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 25/08/2023 13:10

DragonFly98 · 25/08/2023 12:10

School isn't the default you have to opt in by applying for a place. I would home Ed her, it's a much nicer experience for children.

Not for all kids. I know some home educated kids that can’t read or write at 10. I have also met some home educated kids who are far more advanced than there peers. It largely depends on how good the parent is at home educating.

OP I think you should out your dd back to school. If she thrives there it’s the right thing for her. She will most likely love being back at school and forget all about home education. I could be wrong but it might upset your ds routine to have his sister home educated.

jannier · 25/08/2023 13:11

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 12:51

That's a bit of a leap! A 9 year old doing better in home ed than at school doesn't indicate that he'll need a carer in later life!

Show quote history

I have relatives on the spectrum even the ones attending mainstream school getting GCSEs and going to work have needed a reasonable amount of support through adulthood

BHRK · 25/08/2023 13:12

School should 100% be the default. Your daughter isn’t capable of making life changing decisions like this. You are.
Most children absolutely thrive at school.
Anyway you wouldn’t go ahead and do this without DH’s agreement would you? Surely not.
if you think your son needs 1-1 then give it to him and send your daughter to school

YourNameGoesHere · 25/08/2023 13:12

Honestly from everything you've said it sounds like the set up you've got that's currently helping your son learn would be sacrificed by having your daughter at home. Trips out, focusing on his interests and 1-1 support for his needs would all suffer with a 6 year old at home.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2023 13:12

@DragonFly98

Why would you think that a primary school child learns better 30:1 with a fixed curriculum than 2:1 with a curriculum tailor made for their needs, with the opportunity for daily groups to meet their specific interests, with children of varying ages mimicking wider society and the workplace.

School is not only about learning. School is (particularly at primary level) mainly about socialisation and adapting to being alongside others. Almost no child is going to find itself in adulthood able to pick and choose their "specific interests" as they see fit. Unless they are very wealthy or are entirely supported by their spouse, they are going to have to adapt themself to the commercial workplace and the requirements of their employer to some extent.

HE does not "mimic wider society and the workplace". It's a hand-picked, self-selecting group of children who for various (entirely legitimate) reasons are excluded from wider society and the workplace. That doesn't mean its a bad thing, for many children it's a life-saver and no doubt every attempt is made to make these groups as "authentic" as possible. But they can't ever replicate the needs of a broader society and the idea that this should become the default educational setting is delusional.

Being an adult for most people means to some extent adapting yourself to the needs of the job market and the social framework you live in. We may not like this or think its the best plan for a utopian society, but excluding your child from an opportunity to learn about rubbing along with most other people, unless there's a very compelling reason to do so, is not going to prepare a child optimally to be an independent, autonomous adult.

duvetdayy · 25/08/2023 13:13

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:36

Hmm... we don't really do a lot of 'proper lessons' to be honest, or at least the formal stuff we do is pretty short - it's not sitting at a desk for 4/5/6 hours a day. A lot of it is playing games, art and crafts and fun trips!
She actually really enjoys short bursts of table top work too, for example learned to read and write before school and loves a worksheet.

Show quote history

So how on earth would you manage giving your DD proper lessons, which she needs, on top of doing these arts/crafts/“fun trips” with your son?

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 13:13

jannier · 25/08/2023 13:11

I have relatives on the spectrum even the ones attending mainstream school getting GCSEs and going to work have needed a reasonable amount of support through adulthood

Show quote history

I also have relatives with ASD all living full, independent lives. None of them have carers.

He may well need a bit of extra support down the line, but it's ridiculous to say that his sister will inevitably become his carer.

Shelby2010 · 25/08/2023 13:15

Tell her she can HE from 9y like her brother did if she still wants to.

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 13:15

duvetdayy · 25/08/2023 13:13

So how on earth would you manage giving your DD proper lessons, which she needs, on top of doing these arts/crafts/“fun trips” with your son?

Show quote history

I assume the DD would also do arts, crafts and fun trips.

There's not actually that much sit down learning happening at school for six year olds. They also do a lot of arts, crafts and other stuff (assembly, playtime, lunchtime, all the time lost to disruption etc). Out of a six hour day, I'd be surprised if an hour is them actually sitting down doing 'work'.

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 25/08/2023 13:15

I'd homeschool both of them tbh

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 13:16

duvetdayy · 25/08/2023 13:13

So how on earth would you manage giving your DD proper lessons, which she needs, on top of doing these arts/crafts/“fun trips” with your son?

Show quote history

Plenty of time in the day to fit in 15-20 minutes of formal maths or literacy.
She of course would also be able to do all the arts, crafts and fun trips.

OP posts:
allthehops · 25/08/2023 13:18

I think the fact that she's clingy would make me want her in school all the more. You'll just be encouraging her dependence on you.

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 13:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2023 13:12

@DragonFly98

Why would you think that a primary school child learns better 30:1 with a fixed curriculum than 2:1 with a curriculum tailor made for their needs, with the opportunity for daily groups to meet their specific interests, with children of varying ages mimicking wider society and the workplace.

School is not only about learning. School is (particularly at primary level) mainly about socialisation and adapting to being alongside others. Almost no child is going to find itself in adulthood able to pick and choose their "specific interests" as they see fit. Unless they are very wealthy or are entirely supported by their spouse, they are going to have to adapt themself to the commercial workplace and the requirements of their employer to some extent.

HE does not "mimic wider society and the workplace". It's a hand-picked, self-selecting group of children who for various (entirely legitimate) reasons are excluded from wider society and the workplace. That doesn't mean its a bad thing, for many children it's a life-saver and no doubt every attempt is made to make these groups as "authentic" as possible. But they can't ever replicate the needs of a broader society and the idea that this should become the default educational setting is delusional.

Being an adult for most people means to some extent adapting yourself to the needs of the job market and the social framework you live in. We may not like this or think its the best plan for a utopian society, but excluding your child from an opportunity to learn about rubbing along with most other people, unless there's a very compelling reason to do so, is not going to prepare a child optimally to be an independent, autonomous adult.

Does school mimic wider society and the workplace?

Seeing the same 29 other children everyday. Grouped together based on being the same age and living in the same local area? I'm not sure there are many workplaces like that either!

duvetdayy · 25/08/2023 13:21

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 13:15

I assume the DD would also do arts, crafts and fun trips.

There's not actually that much sit down learning happening at school for six year olds. They also do a lot of arts, crafts and other stuff (assembly, playtime, lunchtime, all the time lost to disruption etc). Out of a six hour day, I'd be surprised if an hour is them actually sitting down doing 'work'.

Show quote history

What about when she gets beyond six?

I am a primary school teacher although I teach UKS2. The primary curriculum is fairly full on the more children move through the school, and as OP’s daughter is presumably NT, there’s not really a reason for her not to access it. I absolutely do not think OP should HE her daughter based on what she thinks she wants right now, but it may be more manageable to have the two of them when she’s little. But what about when she’s in Y3 or 4, even?