AIBU to off DD financial reward for GCSE grades?

[BlackBean2023]

DD is going into y11 and last year I made a deal with her- every 9 gets £200, every 8 £100 and every 7 £50 (she's at a selective school- straight 7-9s not unusual). I've doubled the amount as a motivator for Spanish and chemistry where she's not trying and currently predicted a 5.

She told my SIL yesterday who said it's out of order but would tell me why she thought so. AIBU? I can afford it and DD is motivated by money. The grades are reasonable and obtainable for her.

SIL doesn't have teenagers so it's not a cousin comparison thing..

All the things you list that you did to support your DS are what I’d consider positives. Paying them £££s for getting a certain grade is lazy. One of my DDs sounds just like your DS - its really not a gendered thing!

YANBU, your DSIL is unreasonable for commenting on your parenting and personally I would not be happy about that but my dad used the exact same financial incentive for me when I did my GCSES 15 years ago and I’ll be doing the same for my DC when the time comes.

People willing to put down money as an incentive for their kids getting higher grades than they would have otherwise?!? What a revolutionary concept. Maybe they should make special schools for people who have money which cost even more than OP was offering that will push the kids to do better ... oh wait 🤣

Nobody pays me to do chores though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

No different to how bonuses at work would apply- you don't get rewarded for trying hard in the real world; you get rewarded for results.

Never had a job with a bonus attached - 20 years in public sector (various bodies/roles), 5 in charitable. I’ve worked hard in every role, earned several times the average wage since my mid-20s.

How many GCSEs do they do? Is it 10? There’s no way on god’s green earth I’d be handing a 15/16 year old 2 grand!! Wtaf?!

Riiiight... so you would work as hard for your employer if you didn't get paid

I work just as hard in my paid job as I do in my voluntary roles. I would hate it if my DC were motivated by money. What about being a good and productive member of society, who is motivated by making life better for all of its members?

It's not something I agree with at all. Kids needs to realise that working hard at school and getting the best grades they can is for their benefit in the long term in terms of options and opening doors for a choice of good jobs/careers/professions, not just in terms of pay and progression, but also in terms of job satisfaction, flexibility, etc. They should do it for their own good, not because of what is effectively blackmail! They shouldn't be doing it for anyone else, not parents, not the teachers, it's all for themselves!

We didn't offer our DS any inducements for getting good grades etc, ever. We pushed him to do the best he could do for his own satisfaction. We were 100% engaged with his education, always went to parents' evenings and other school events, always checked his homework diary, looked at his books to see what marks/grades he was getting, stepped in when necessary to help him when he started struggling. We were behind him and supporting him 100% in terms of our time and help, not financial rewards. By the time he got to external exams, he wanted to do well for his own satisfaction, not because we were going to give him money!

I don't really like it. But then again if it works then go for it. Ans your sil should keep her words to herself

YANBU, I did this for my DD when she was doing her Nat 5s - not as much money as you offered luckily, as she got five As. My DS is now in S4 and will be doing these exams next year. As he isn't anywhere near as motivated as DD, I'll be offering him the same incentive.

I don’t know if the carrot 🥕 of money for higher GCSE grades is psychologically harmful per se as some posters are saying, but I do think in many cases the money might be better spent on tutors. You’re paying the child to self-tutor imho and that might not be the most cost efficient at the amounts the OP is talking. It depends on the child really. With mine it turned out that it wasn’t laziness holding them back but the fact that revision methods taught in schools were geared around NT minds so the ‘mind maps’ and ‘flash cards’ and ‘workbooks’ were useless at helping them revise. Lots of effort for no reward. So paying a professional tutor that specialised in ND teaching doing one on one revision with them and showing them methods that worked for them was invaluable as they then carried these skills on to A levels and Uni.

I experienced the stick 🦯 of beatings for lower GCSE grades and I know that was harmful psychologically. I ended up with being motivated by fear and as an adult developed anxiety to subconsciously create extra fear to motivate myself as a working adult. The extrinsic motivation eventually mirrored the intrinsic.

You already have a lot of replies which I haven't read through so apologies if I'm repeating. I wouldn't do this because to me, it's sending the wrong message. You are teaching that the main reason for working hard in her exams is financial gain. Instead, I'd prefer her to want to study and work hard because of the reward she perceives herself, because it's the right think to do, because of pride in herself, self-respect, satisfaction, being able to achieve what she wants academically and in terms of career goals. Teach her to do well for herself, not for you.

And yes, there is also the risk that she doesn't achieve as expected, and then is effectively penalised twice, first with a lower grade and second without your payment.

I’m planning to do something similar.

I heard about someone else doing it and I thought what a fantastic idea, this would have definitely motivated me at the time!

My DD is getting £5 per grade in each subject.
She’s predicted mostly 4s so it’s not going to break the bank.
So a 4 would be £20 per subject.

She is planning to put it away for a car/driving lessons, which I wanted to help her out with anyway and so hopefully this will just motivate her to revise.

But surely you need to teach your kids that the qualifications they are working towards are for THEIR benefit, no one else's, so they should be motivated to do their best for their own future, i.e. more choices in terms of careers etc.

I think we have too much of a culture of not taking education seriously enough and that comes a lot of the time from parents who don't value education, so don't instil the importance of education in their children.

"Paying" children to do school work really devalues the true worth of education. They need it explaining to them how lucky they are to be getting a free quality education compared to billions of people around the World who don't have that opportunity. They need to be told the importance of qualifications and how they open up choices and opportunities.

Far too much of the "can't do maths, me" attitude from parents these days!

My mum did this and I think it’s a good idea, you’re literally trying to get good grades so you can get a good well paying career so I don’t see any moral issue in getting an advanced “cash bonus” for the effort now! My aunt used to give me 50p for every sheet of homework I did when I was 4 so maybe it’s just a family thing 😅

Oxbridge are primarily looking at grades. They will not be calling a C-grade kid for an interview to discover if they're intrinsically motivated and tried hard. It's actually more likely that kids will do well at Oxbridge if academics come easily to them but they've been coasting. My brother went to Cambridge for STEM and he was one of those "very bright but spent his time gaming instead of revising"-types at school who easily got top marks without effort and needed to be pushed to work harder.

I am so glad we didn't do this.
Our eldest struggled at secondary only scraped English and Maths.
Our youngest passed everything with flying colours and went to uni doing finance.
Our eldest has a successful business and bought her own house by her mid 20's. Relieved we didn't send her the message that she was inferior in some way because of a few tests or that exam results are the be all and end all and the only route to succeed.
They both strived in their own ways, no one left feeling bad about themselves, no bribery needed.

I'm a good and productive member of society. Unlike most people, this has been actually measured and proven, because the effects of a project I developed had a measured positive impact on outcomes for over 60k children and 10k keyworkers for those children.

I still work for money, and know my worth.

I know far more people being shat on and undervalued because they have an intrinsic motivation to do what they do than I know well-rewarded people who add great value because they're happy.

In fact, when I was running a company, one of the first major changes I made was to cut hours and increase pay. Turns out their intrinsic motivation to do the job flourished when they were getting more pay for less work.

I think it's wrong and perhaps should have been spared for A levels. However as it is made, the offer should be kept to.

At A-level yes, at GCSE not so much. Male child quite young for the academic year, a bit lazy. By A- Levels he wanted it so much, he needed no financial incentive, although we are paying him a living allowance and his fees so much more than a few hundred quid for his GCSE results.

Because your love that you are showing through money is not unconditional.

This is actually an interesting philosophical question. For anyone who is interested there is a great book by Michael Sandel called "What Money Can't Buy: The Moral Limits of Markets" and it's basically about why we are comfortable with money buying some things but not others (a new kidney vs. a better education for our children, for example). He talks about incentivising kids to read (more so on an institutional level than at a family level but I guess the premise is the same) and whether there is something morally corrupting about paying children to do things which we think are inherently good for them. The book is very good (I am a big Michael Sandel fan in general) here is the link - https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Money-Cant-Buy-Markets/dp/0241954487

For what it's worth it's worth, I would hope to not be in the situation whereby I had to pay my child to work hard for their GCSEs but equally never say never(!) Right now I have a toddler and if I could pay him for just put his god damn shoes on in a timely manner i'd be poorer for sure 😂

I know for a fact that my OH would be massively against payment for grades, or cleaning their room or doing anything that he would consider a reasonable expectation when part of a family unit and I suspect I would probably go along with that because intellectually I agree with him (albeit I might naturally lean towards being a bit more pragmatic).

This makes me really uncomfortable. DS2 received one grade yesterday (the others are next year). He’s very academic and was a bit disappointed in the grade 7 he received because he’d hoped for at least an 8. My brother phoned him and told him how well he’d done and told him he’d put £50 in DS’s bank account.

That was lovely and really cheered DS up. But if I’d told him beforehand that he’d get a certain sum for a 9 or less for an 8, he’d have felt even more fed up. He worked incredibly hard. Just working hard enough doesn’t necessarily guarantee the top grade that each student is capable of.

You do you.
I have found praising and rewarding effort helps longer term in building resilience.

I wouldn't do this, no. I think its a poor message in general. However if I were to do it I'd have linked the reward to effort rather than outcome, so 'payment' for hours spent studying rather than grades achieved. It gives encouragement where it's needed in real time. Its also a more sensible approach if you have more than one child and their abilities may prove to differ.

Hi OP. Haven't rtft so apologise if someone has said this already. I would give money as a reward to the effort put it in rather than towards the grades themselves. Sit down with her and agree a study schedule including practice papers and going a bit more intense closer to exam time. If she sticks to it then x amount of money.

My main reason for saying this is that you motivate her to study for her exams without putting so much pressure on the exam itself. She'll feel more relaxed during the exam and will be more likely to do well.

Putting all the pressure on the exam itself could lead to increased stress or anxiety on exam days and hinder her chances at getting the best grade possible for her.