Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DH or me right about who should do what for the puppy?

140 replies

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:08

Ok im at the end of my tether now and I just want to leave and move countries and I am not even kidding!! Don't know if its actually even me being the unreasonable one or not. Mine and DH's relationship has been really decent been together 6 years married for 2. We decided children would only be in the picture later on in our life and if that means pets only because of fertility reasons at the time then so be it. We decided it was the perfect chance to get a puppy we have always wanted one and we both have extremely suitable jobs and the lifestyle for it. DH is work from home doing analysis where he can structure his own day/workload so he could do one hour here and then take a break or do 5 hours in one go type thing. My job is a bit different and I don't work as many hours at all and I'm self employed I still bring in as much money though and I only mention that because it's not like my salary is cut/I contribute less financially so I do everything in the home as a role, if that makes sense although naturally as I have more time yes I do take control of most of the cooking and cleaning and I have done for the puppy as well which i obviously love. I've always wanted dog.

DH is a slight gamer and in his "breaks" he will play a game here or a game there, so will take 30 mins in between each task to do a round on a game. I never really had an issue with this but since we got the puppy I do ask him if he can keep an eye on him (once I know he has finished a task and can take a short break) while I go upstairs and clean the bathroom or while I take a bath or shower, or while I pop to the shops to buy dinner bits etc etc and he always says yeah yeah no problem but for the 5th, yes 5th time this week I've come back to the puppy having had an accident on the floor just sitting there and DH oblivious still on his computer and I'll be asking what has happened and he will say well I'm in a round aren't i (referencing the game) like I'm the fucking idiot for possibly not realising why he can't be in control of the puppy for 15 mins. I explain that he can't be doing the game when he needs to watch the puppy and he moans saying but that's his break during work and as I'm home not working I should watch the puppy and I can do my bits in the evening when he will watch the puppy and yes in the evening when he needs to do his damn 15 minutes, he will play with the puppy but I don't think I should have to put all my errands in the evening time when we could all be together at that point etc just because he HAS to play this game?

AIBU? I'm really pissed off by it but then I convince myself maybe he isn't even wrong just so I stay less annoyed and I honestly don't know! So am curious what an outsider thinks

OP posts:
Shiremum40 · 24/08/2023 19:16

Do not have a baby with this man.

KathieFerrars · 24/08/2023 19:19

Nope. He is a plonker. Why isn't he popping to the shops? You will have to manage him (which is frankly ridiculous) as at this stage puppies need taking out every 30 mins so you need to command 'I'm putting a wash on, you go take pup out'. Deeply dullsville having to manage an adult but it.'s that or wee.

Don't have a child with him. Oh, and point that out to him.

Mindymomo · 24/08/2023 19:21

You have to be together in house training a puppy who needs to be watched 24/7 at first. If you put the time and effort in, you will see results quicker and your DH will be able to game again soon. Get him to clean up after the puppy, he may feel then it’s better to watch the puppy. 100% you have to be in this together, otherwise it’s not fair on puppy.

MatildaTheCat · 24/08/2023 19:24

Dog has made a mess on his watch…he clears it up. And properly otherwise pup will go there again. Suggest setting your watches for 30/45 minute intervals and both follow exactly the same routine and use the same commands and rewards.

Hopefully the puppy will chew through and important cable and the gaming will go on hold. (Forever)

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:25

He will pop to the shops after "work" but refuses to do anything but these rounds on a game in between his work tasks. I'm then waiting to sort dinner or start stuff so I just go myself (we do personally prefer to buy most things on the day as we don't know what we fancy and it just saves food waste for us, plus we live right opposite 2 shops so it just works best in case anyone wonders why I go most days). He helps with the pup after work but I don't ask him to do it in the day really anyway, literally only when I cannot and he is available but he really seems to think in his head he isn't really available but then he still says yes yes no problem anyway but just doesn't bother or acts like well the puppy didn't die like that's the bare minimum. We were both actually very prepared for this puppy and did shit loads of research together before we made this decision and he has really let both of us down in the work day. He is fine after but I don't get why he's so fucking useless during the work hours when he leaves enough gaps for the gaming or at least do the work all in one then so you can be finished way earlier and start helping earlier but no

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 24/08/2023 19:26

I hope you didn't clear up the mess OP

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:28

It's infuriating because I take that puppy out all the time! Always! As I want the training to go well and get there sooner rather than later and the fact he then goes and ruins it and the absolute rage knowing the puppy was in view but he either noticed and couldn't get up because of the game or just was so fixated to not see the puppy in the side of his eye at least going to the toilet? Not that it should have got to that... I've barely had to see any clues of needing to go as I take out so regularly. Then to basically blame it on me because he's "working" and so it's really my responsibility while he is urgh

OP posts:
Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:29

If I don't I get "I'll sort it after work" we both know I can't just have the puppy's shit or piss left on the floor until he is done...

I promise you never have I seen him act so incompetent in my life. It's so unattractive

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 19:30

A grown man playing computer games in breaks at work would piss me off anyway, but one who can’t take the blooming puppy for a wee first is pathetic. I’d be tempted to cut the lead! I was seriously debating doing that during covid when my once nice placid teenager turned into a ranting lunatic playing fifa online when his GCSE’s got cancelled. Thankfully a talk (or the 3rd stern talk) did the trick and the PS4 is now at his dads and so I get no problems from it. He was 16 though, not a grown man.

Agree in never having a baby with this guy - this is a taster of what could be to come if you do

Daphnis156 · 24/08/2023 19:30

Did you ask him whether he wanted the dog.
Did he realise he'd have to clean up, and what he'd be cleaning up?

He's treating it as "your" dog with bits of erratic and incomplete help and perhaps a bit of easy time with the dog in the evening.

And that's how he'll be with children.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2023 19:31

I hope you fully realise that this is the kind of father he would be. Don't lie to yourself and think he would be different with a baby. He will not.

Forewarned is fair warned.

Snowinsummer · 24/08/2023 19:32

It's actually good that you've seen what your future will entail with this man-child.
As others have said, not father material

TheInterceptor · 24/08/2023 19:33

He's not a 'slight' gamer.

Paq · 24/08/2023 19:34

He's a manchild. Leave. Take the puppy.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 24/08/2023 19:35

I would seriously be considering leaving. Especially if you want children…

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:36

We both desperately wanted the dog. We both watched countless videos and listened to various audio books did a pre arrival puppy cause amongst other things. It really wasn't just for me. In fact we even went for his preferred breed over mine.

OP posts:
Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:38

I know the fact that this is going so poorly I did think how can we ever have kids at this rate and I did say this to him and he said how he thought we had decided it wasn't the be all and end all well yeah if we were having a really fulfilling life as a couple and we simply got too old but not this shit

OP posts:
Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:38

Sorry I'm slightly agitated

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 24/08/2023 19:39

He is a child with a job and not much more than that.
Rehome the pup and move, he is dead weight.

Besttobe8001 · 24/08/2023 19:41

Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 19:30

A grown man playing computer games in breaks at work would piss me off anyway, but one who can’t take the blooming puppy for a wee first is pathetic. I’d be tempted to cut the lead! I was seriously debating doing that during covid when my once nice placid teenager turned into a ranting lunatic playing fifa online when his GCSE’s got cancelled. Thankfully a talk (or the 3rd stern talk) did the trick and the PS4 is now at his dads and so I get no problems from it. He was 16 though, not a grown man.

Agree in never having a baby with this guy - this is a taster of what could be to come if you do

I play computer games in my break at work, what's the problem with that? Unlike OPs DH I don't neglect my animals for it tho...

Missingmyusername · 24/08/2023 19:41

TomatoSandwiches · 24/08/2023 19:39

He is a child with a job and not much more than that.
Rehome the pup and move, he is dead weight.

OP loves the pup? Why would she rehome.

Jellybean23 · 24/08/2023 19:44

Do not believe him if he says he will step up if/when you have children. He won't. This is a warning to you.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 24/08/2023 19:44

Bin the hubster, keep the pupster.

TheYear2000 · 24/08/2023 19:48

It says a lot about his priorities. Eg, namely he prioritises himself, his own wants, over a poor puppy who needs looked after and his partner asking for a bit of support.
This is a look at a persons actions, not their words, moment, as even if he said that he wanted a puppy etc.

You and the puppy deserve better!

Namechangedforthis2244 · 24/08/2023 19:51

I think that you need to have a joint discussion about whether you will keep the puppy or rehome it.

I get that you love it, and that leaving and taking the puppy is a third option, but at the moment I think he feels that his involvement is optional. The choice for him needs to become have a joint puppy or don’t. Not dp has a puppy that I play with.

Id also try going away for a week on your own, leaving him to look after house and puppy. See if that makes him realise how much he isn’t doing.

ps - do not have kids with this man