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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH or me right about who should do what for the puppy?

140 replies

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:08

Ok im at the end of my tether now and I just want to leave and move countries and I am not even kidding!! Don't know if its actually even me being the unreasonable one or not. Mine and DH's relationship has been really decent been together 6 years married for 2. We decided children would only be in the picture later on in our life and if that means pets only because of fertility reasons at the time then so be it. We decided it was the perfect chance to get a puppy we have always wanted one and we both have extremely suitable jobs and the lifestyle for it. DH is work from home doing analysis where he can structure his own day/workload so he could do one hour here and then take a break or do 5 hours in one go type thing. My job is a bit different and I don't work as many hours at all and I'm self employed I still bring in as much money though and I only mention that because it's not like my salary is cut/I contribute less financially so I do everything in the home as a role, if that makes sense although naturally as I have more time yes I do take control of most of the cooking and cleaning and I have done for the puppy as well which i obviously love. I've always wanted dog.

DH is a slight gamer and in his "breaks" he will play a game here or a game there, so will take 30 mins in between each task to do a round on a game. I never really had an issue with this but since we got the puppy I do ask him if he can keep an eye on him (once I know he has finished a task and can take a short break) while I go upstairs and clean the bathroom or while I take a bath or shower, or while I pop to the shops to buy dinner bits etc etc and he always says yeah yeah no problem but for the 5th, yes 5th time this week I've come back to the puppy having had an accident on the floor just sitting there and DH oblivious still on his computer and I'll be asking what has happened and he will say well I'm in a round aren't i (referencing the game) like I'm the fucking idiot for possibly not realising why he can't be in control of the puppy for 15 mins. I explain that he can't be doing the game when he needs to watch the puppy and he moans saying but that's his break during work and as I'm home not working I should watch the puppy and I can do my bits in the evening when he will watch the puppy and yes in the evening when he needs to do his damn 15 minutes, he will play with the puppy but I don't think I should have to put all my errands in the evening time when we could all be together at that point etc just because he HAS to play this game?

AIBU? I'm really pissed off by it but then I convince myself maybe he isn't even wrong just so I stay less annoyed and I honestly don't know! So am curious what an outsider thinks

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 24/08/2023 20:01

You’ve basically adopted parenting roles and this is what it looks like in your relationship. Take note.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2023 20:09

Id also try going away for a week on your own, leaving him to look after house and puppy. See if that makes him realise how much he isn’t doing.

It wouldn't. He'd order takeaway all week, do absolutely no laundry or cleaning, and the puppy would make a mess everywhere.

FarmersWife2019 · 24/08/2023 20:11

Your H is absolutely being unreasonable. For the second thread today I’m finding a grown man being a gamer as a complete turn off when he shirks his responsibilities.
I can’t offer practical advice in getting your H to change as I have no experience with gamers but I have far more experience with dogs. I would take control of the situation (not that you should have to!) and begin toilet training and crate training. Your puppy should be taken outside regularly to be given the opportunity to toilet outside with lots of positive reinforcement. Toilet training needs consistency over weeks to months and it sounds like your H can’t stick to anything but his ‘game’.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 24/08/2023 20:11

Every time he lets the puppy toilet inside, he's setting the training back.

If he cant drag himself away from a game to stop the puppy shitting on the floor, that is a BIG issue. If he's actually prepared to leave the piss/shit on the floor till he's finished work, then my vagina would be swiftly shrivelling up to permanently closed

Anxioys · 24/08/2023 20:15

Mmm. I think your DH is in the mode of, you wanted the dog, you manage it. From his reductive perspective, you have to handle any toileting issues and mess...

Think carefully on any children

saffronsoup · 24/08/2023 20:15

THe gaming isn't the issue - it is that he is prioritizing x over any responsiblities. He could be on his phone or working out during his breaks and still not looking after the puppy. I assume he was in agreement with getting the puppy and training it with you?

TheYear2000 · 24/08/2023 20:17

OP,
I'd think long and hard about what future you want when thinking about the puppy and your partner. I don't think rehoming the puppy will make your partner a responsible and attentive partner. I do get that having sole responsibility for a dog is tough, money wise and responsibility wise. But I've ended up basically with the dog and not the man and I'm happy with that decision!

Original poster
Shuger · 24/08/2023 20:18

@FarmersWife2019 i have been crate training pup but not necessarily using it but just making sure it's a comfortable place and happy to be in it (he will sit in there and have a slow eating treat etc) but think I will start using it for those moments where I'm supposed to be able to rely on DH because I don't want the training to go back and revert all the hard work I'm putting in!!! I know I shouldn't have to but if I don't it's just going to end up even worse for me when our puppy isn't trained.

I must admit, the way he has acted with this has seriously made me see a different side to him and I seriously feel less attracted to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Shuger · 24/08/2023 20:20

The thing is he really did want the dog as much as me this wasn't even a case of I talked him around to the idea or something of the sort. As I say, we both had a different idea of what breed we would have and we went for his one which I'm fine with i fucking adore him Grin but just saying it really wasn't just my idea

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2023 20:23

How many fewer hours do you work than him (not counting his breaks)?

NuffSaidSam · 24/08/2023 20:27

YANBU

Thanks your lucky stars that you found out what he's like with a puppy and not a baby! Be eternally thankful for that. It seems annoying now, but this has saved you from a lifetime of solo parenting.

Original poster
Shuger · 24/08/2023 20:28

To be fair I only have to work a couple of hours a day and I can balance that through the week (I used to do a few full on days and have more time off) but with puppy it's better to do it across all 7 and do a lot less in the day. He has about 5 hours of solid work (it's mainly done on allocated work for that day which is usually 5 hours worth) so he still has plenty of time left in the day but it's usually a "8 hour work day" because of the 30 min constant breaks

OP posts:
ICanBuyMyselfShowers · 24/08/2023 20:30

OP he played an active part in researching before getting a puppy so he will have been fully aware they needs constant supervision in the early stages and that you need to watch for signs they need toilet and get them outside beforehand, he really should know games that can't be paused or that need a lot of focus can't be played when he's responsible for his puppy, he can't pretend he didn't know, and he's repeatedly choosing to leave his dog to shit and piss for you to clean up instead of not doing his hobby on his breaks for a while. Even if puppy didn't a piss it shit during those small breaks, it's a perfect amount of time to do small bits of training and teaching basic commands.

Gaming isn't the problem, it the priorities and this one is showing you he is ok in opting out of things he agreed to and making extra work for you because he priorities his game. His job isn't suitable to having a puppy if he's not using his breaks during said job to actually train and care for the puppy he chose to get. This would be a deal breaker for me.

underneaththeash · 24/08/2023 20:36

So you need to diarise certain days/times where you have the puppy 50/50.

if he can’t do that he’s not a keeper.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2023 20:37

Shuger · 24/08/2023 20:28

To be fair I only have to work a couple of hours a day and I can balance that through the week (I used to do a few full on days and have more time off) but with puppy it's better to do it across all 7 and do a lot less in the day. He has about 5 hours of solid work (it's mainly done on allocated work for that day which is usually 5 hours worth) so he still has plenty of time left in the day but it's usually a "8 hour work day" because of the 30 min constant breaks

I think you've oth got really used to being about to please yourselves in a way most people aren't able Envy Yes I'm jealous. Which means 24/7 care of another creature seems like a lot. It's really not (another person saying NO KIDS). You don't have to shop for bits everyday or have hours free. He doesn't have to game on every break and do a 5 hour day piecemeal.

Have the discussion again but come at it from the 'look neither of us knows we're born we're so fortunate but the puppy needs us to be better'. Accept that everyone has to work a bit harder for a little while. He can skip one gaming session, you can some bits in the evening. And stick to it.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 24/08/2023 20:39

He sounds childish and selfish. I’m not sure what you see in him really.

thecatinthetwat · 24/08/2023 20:51

Wow, he’s a complete idiot and a selfish one. Sorry op.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 24/08/2023 20:54

It is the gaming that it is the issue. You could get rid of the computer/console and it’ll be working out, clearing out the garage, cycling, guitar practice, golf, football. Men who want to shirk their responsibilities will always be easily distracted by something.

If he is only interacting with the puppy for 15 minutes a day, there’s no way those 15 minutes should be playtime. They should be stood outside waiting for the puppy to toilet or training the puppy. You need to squash this now. Not only will the puppy not respond to your husband but you won’t be able to go away without your husband not knowing how to care for the puppy. This puppy will solely be your burden until you rehome him or he dies.

planningnightmare · 24/08/2023 20:55

do not have children with this manchild.

Floralnomad · 24/08/2023 21:00

He sounds like an addict to me , normal people WFH don’t keep taking breaks to have 30 minutes on a game . I’d be insisting he cuts it out or gets some help .

Autieangel · 24/08/2023 21:14

It will be no different when you have children.

MeAgainPeeps · 24/08/2023 21:15

🤢🤮 There is nothing morr unattractive than a man child 🤮

Dont have kids with him. He'll let them.sit in their own shit because he's busy playing games. Big baby.

porridgecake · 24/08/2023 21:17

Ditch him and he can play his games all he likes. You and puppy will have a nice, peaceful life.

kitsuneghost · 24/08/2023 21:28

Get rid of the dog and make sure he knows it's because he can't look after it and neither can you alone.

kitsuneghost · 24/08/2023 21:29

porridgecake · 24/08/2023 21:17

Ditch him and he can play his games all he likes. You and puppy will have a nice, peaceful life.

But she can't look after the puppy on her own. She said so in OP that she needed him to look after it for a bit.