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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH or me right about who should do what for the puppy?

140 replies

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:08

Ok im at the end of my tether now and I just want to leave and move countries and I am not even kidding!! Don't know if its actually even me being the unreasonable one or not. Mine and DH's relationship has been really decent been together 6 years married for 2. We decided children would only be in the picture later on in our life and if that means pets only because of fertility reasons at the time then so be it. We decided it was the perfect chance to get a puppy we have always wanted one and we both have extremely suitable jobs and the lifestyle for it. DH is work from home doing analysis where he can structure his own day/workload so he could do one hour here and then take a break or do 5 hours in one go type thing. My job is a bit different and I don't work as many hours at all and I'm self employed I still bring in as much money though and I only mention that because it's not like my salary is cut/I contribute less financially so I do everything in the home as a role, if that makes sense although naturally as I have more time yes I do take control of most of the cooking and cleaning and I have done for the puppy as well which i obviously love. I've always wanted dog.

DH is a slight gamer and in his "breaks" he will play a game here or a game there, so will take 30 mins in between each task to do a round on a game. I never really had an issue with this but since we got the puppy I do ask him if he can keep an eye on him (once I know he has finished a task and can take a short break) while I go upstairs and clean the bathroom or while I take a bath or shower, or while I pop to the shops to buy dinner bits etc etc and he always says yeah yeah no problem but for the 5th, yes 5th time this week I've come back to the puppy having had an accident on the floor just sitting there and DH oblivious still on his computer and I'll be asking what has happened and he will say well I'm in a round aren't i (referencing the game) like I'm the fucking idiot for possibly not realising why he can't be in control of the puppy for 15 mins. I explain that he can't be doing the game when he needs to watch the puppy and he moans saying but that's his break during work and as I'm home not working I should watch the puppy and I can do my bits in the evening when he will watch the puppy and yes in the evening when he needs to do his damn 15 minutes, he will play with the puppy but I don't think I should have to put all my errands in the evening time when we could all be together at that point etc just because he HAS to play this game?

AIBU? I'm really pissed off by it but then I convince myself maybe he isn't even wrong just so I stay less annoyed and I honestly don't know! So am curious what an outsider thinks

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 27/08/2023 14:57

He’s a selfish, juvenile, lazy arse. Take heed.

Lizzieregina · 27/08/2023 15:00

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 24/08/2023 19:44

Bin the hubster, keep the pupster.

Best comment! And I agree!

jazzyfips · 27/08/2023 15:07

Total manchild. I’d not be in a relationship with such a poor specimen.

diddl · 27/08/2023 15:09

Puppies are bloody hard work!

My husband who didn't want one takes more care than that though!

AliceOlive · 27/08/2023 15:10

He’s a nitwit and a selfish one at that.

How old is your puppy? I have an 11 week old lab, so know what you are experiencing. We are crate training and initially let her stay out more than in the crate. However, a friend who has done this said the vet told her “If your puppy is having accidents in the house she has too much freedom.”

So now puppy is out for loads of playing and walks. But if we can keep an eye on her or she’s sleeping she’s in her crate. They are babies and need more sleep than a human infant. Once we grasped this we stopped feeling guilty about the crate time

We are now up to 3-4 hours between needing to go outside. So it’s getting better all the time.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 27/08/2023 15:13

A puppy does not need watching every minute of the day.

He is at work, you are not.

I would be annoyed if my DH expected me to work FT and sort out the puppy, whilst he wasn’t working or only working PT.

Obviously when he’s not working it needs to be 50/50 and if it goes to the toilet or needs to be let out and he’s on a break then it’s his responsibility to sort it but if it’s only 15 minutes then it’s understandable that it hasn’t been dealt with straight away.

I think the bigger issue here is you not leaving the puppy alone for even 15 minutes.

Lizzieregina · 27/08/2023 15:14

And for puppy training, I agree that puppy shouldn’t be given an opportunity to fail! Use a crate ALL the time when you can’t supervise OR attach the puppy to you (or partner) if you’re distracted but don’t want to crate her. I attached my pup to my ankle with his leash if I was sitting down and didn’t want to crate him. They usually like to go somewhere private to poop and won’t do it in their own space.

Katbum · 27/08/2023 15:17

Tell him how unattractive this is. 'It is repulsive you are not taking your responsibilities towards the dog seriously. You agreed to share the work on training the puppy, and you are letting it piss on the floor, and leaving it for me to clean up. How am I supposed to find you attractive when you are behaving like this?' If he doesn't sort his shit, take the dog and leave the man baby.

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 15:19

These games that these man child men appear to be addictive and make them obsessed with playing them to the detriment and neglect of their partners, children, pets and household chores.

He's an addict.

oakleaffy · 27/08/2023 15:20

Shuger · 24/08/2023 19:36

We both desperately wanted the dog. We both watched countless videos and listened to various audio books did a pre arrival puppy cause amongst other things. It really wasn't just for me. In fact we even went for his preferred breed over mine.

That was a fundamental mistake.
The puppy is clearly going to be your responsibility, because he’s absolutely hopeless.
Can't he pause the wretched game to take pup out?

Who does the general training?

If he’s shite with a puppy, he’ll be far worse looking after a baby.

Be warned.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/08/2023 15:21

I am involved with a small dog rescue charity. There has been a massive influx since Covid of pure and designer breed dogs, which were clearly bought as puppies and then given up because they were not properly cared for or trained.

As others have said, if the training - especially toilet training - isn't done effectively, you're setting yourselves and the puppy up for failure, misery and (probably) the pup being ditched and made more difficult to rehome as a result.

You need a serious conversation with your DH which involves being brutally honest about what will happen if he doesn't step up to properly train the dog.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 15:23

Your DH is a fecking idiot. Mine also games yet cat is always fed and if she makes a mess outside the litter tray it gets cleaned immediately. Everything's always just done and it's sooo relaxing.

Gaming is NOT an excuse people.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2023 15:27

Doesn't sound as if a puppy is for your DP. Sorry but wouldn't be at the beck and call of a dog and have to stop what I was doing to watch a dog. Does a dog need to be watched. You do sound a bit over fussy.

Deathraystare · 27/08/2023 15:28

Don't have a child with him. Oh, and point that out to him.

Absolutely!

EwwSprouts · 27/08/2023 15:32

Your DH would generally be better off getting off screen in his breaks pup or no pup. That he can just ignore pup while it wees in the house and then not clear up makes him a gross slob.

Waffle78 · 27/08/2023 15:42

YANBU Hide the WiFi modem next time you leave him to look after pup. Or if don't need WiFi the game controller. He's behaving like a teenager.

FreeRider · 27/08/2023 15:44

I've got a friend who has been complaining on social media that they've had a headache for three weeks solid...they;ve had issues with high blood pressure so all their friends have been really concerned, saying they need to go to A&E, chase up their GP to find out what's going on, etc..

They posted this, this morning: So, when my headache decides to subside a bit, I've been playing computer game on PC. It's about a group of characters who are all suffering from a perpetual headache, which is nice for my immersion.

They then mention they've been playing it a lot...and are now getting a barrage of 'no wonder you've got a fucking headache, get off the fucking computer' type comments.

I really hate how computer games can send normally sane people into raging idiots.

Anyport · 27/08/2023 15:44

Get rid of the dog, he is not prepared to take any responsibility for it. Get rid of him, if he is like this with a dog?

anyolddinosaur · 27/08/2023 15:49

Sounds like he doesnt want children and had the dog to keep you away from that thought.

Do NOT clean up any mess, even if it sits there all day.

Can you work longer hours so you can afford to pay for help with the dog and get rid of the man?

Gingefringe · 27/08/2023 15:50

So you work 2 hours a day and DH 5 hours a day and you're squabbling over who keeps an eye on the puppy? Sorry OP but it sounds like you both have a lot of time on your hands compared to others and you need to grow up.
What breed is it and how many times do you walk him every day - there's more to having a puppy than playing with him and letting him out for a wee.

DustyLee123 · 27/08/2023 15:53

Dump the man-child and keep the pup.

sheworemellowyellow · 27/08/2023 15:54

Gamers who can't self-regulate are addicts. It's as simple as that.

Once you look at it though this lens, you'll know what you need to do.

samqueens · 27/08/2023 15:58

Shiremum40 · 24/08/2023 19:16

Do not have a baby with this man.

This ^^ is all you need to know

Inertia · 27/08/2023 16:02

Sounds like you need to delegate the housework to him during each evening while you watch the puppy, since H has proved that he is incapable of watching the puppy.

harveythehorse · 27/08/2023 16:10

The reality of having the dog has been a shock to him and he's failed to cope with the demands. Looking at videos and reading about what pet ownership is like fails to give you true insight into what the day to day is - and it's mostly hard work. It sounds like it seemed fun in the planning stage but now the reality interferes with his hobbies, he isn't interested.

Please think very carefully about having a child with this man.