Is DH or me right about who should do what for the puppy?

[Shuger]

Ok im at the end of my tether now and I just want to leave and move countries and I am not even kidding!! Don't know if its actually even me being the unreasonable one or not. Mine and DH's relationship has been really decent been together 6 years married for 2. We decided children would only be in the picture later on in our life and if that means pets only because of fertility reasons at the time then so be it. We decided it was the perfect chance to get a puppy we have always wanted one and we both have extremely suitable jobs and the lifestyle for it. DH is work from home doing analysis where he can structure his own day/workload so he could do one hour here and then take a break or do 5 hours in one go type thing. My job is a bit different and I don't work as many hours at all and I'm self employed I still bring in as much money though and I only mention that because it's not like my salary is cut/I contribute less financially so I do everything in the home as a role, if that makes sense although naturally as I have more time yes I do take control of most of the cooking and cleaning and I have done for the puppy as well which i obviously love. I've always wanted dog.

DH is a slight gamer and in his "breaks" he will play a game here or a game there, so will take 30 mins in between each task to do a round on a game. I never really had an issue with this but since we got the puppy I do ask him if he can keep an eye on him (once I know he has finished a task and can take a short break) while I go upstairs and clean the bathroom or while I take a bath or shower, or while I pop to the shops to buy dinner bits etc etc and he always says yeah yeah no problem but for the 5th, yes 5th time this week I've come back to the puppy having had an accident on the floor just sitting there and DH oblivious still on his computer and I'll be asking what has happened and he will say well I'm in a round aren't i (referencing the game) like I'm the fucking idiot for possibly not realising why he can't be in control of the puppy for 15 mins. I explain that he can't be doing the game when he needs to watch the puppy and he moans saying but that's his break during work and as I'm home not working I should watch the puppy and I can do my bits in the evening when he will watch the puppy and yes in the evening when he needs to do his damn 15 minutes, he will play with the puppy but I don't think I should have to put all my errands in the evening time when we could all be together at that point etc just because he HAS to play this game?

AIBU? I'm really pissed off by it but then I convince myself maybe he isn't even wrong just so I stay less annoyed and I honestly don't know! So am curious what an outsider thinks

"You are prioritising playing a computer game - a fucking computer game - over caring for the a real live helpless young animal. You're putting your own selfish desire for a few minutes of fun over your responsibility towards a puppy. Sort your F priorities out."

If you work 2 hours a day and he works 5, then between two of you, you work the same as one person’s full working day at the lower end of the scale (35 hour week) and less than one person’s full working day at a private sector 40 hour week. Surely between you, you should be able to squeeze in puppy training, a bit of housework, grabbing dinner, gaming and probably knocking out a couple of PhDs, an Anna Karenina-length novel and a triathlon.

If you approached it less “stop gaming, watch the puppy, I can’t do anything in the evening!” and instead suggested you both take advantage of your easy hours and had a radical reset of schedules, dividing the chores and free time proportionally to your hours, he might be more on board and you both might feel as though you had the free time you actually do.

Sounds like quite a few bitter people here about your work hours 😂 they've clearly worked hard to be able to work such little hours but be brining home a decent amount

Have you ever had a young puppy? One that's literally about 10 weeks old and toilet training? Doesn't sound like it.

The OP has also said countless times how it was for both of them and they even went for the breed he preferred...

If he can't be trusted to look after a puppy for 15 minutes, do not have children with him.

People like this give gaming a bad name. I enjoy computers and playing computer games, including team based ones and competitive ones on occasion. However, I don't need to play every possible second, and I don't jump into something that can't immediately be stopped or abandoned if something more important needs attention (like, you know, a puppy or a small child).

If he can't cope with having to schedule his hobby around his work and life commitments, then it's not a hobby any more, it's an addiction.

If he insists it's not an addiction and there's no problem, challenge him to go one week without gaming. A hobby, even one someone loves, can be put on hold for a short time without significant distress.

I wouldn't live with a gamer and find the whole concept tedious and pathetic.

Even my 19 year old doesn't game anymore.

Everyone's entitled to relaxation and a hobby but not at the expense of the wellbeing of a living creature that is dependent on you.

Is he going to leave his baby screaming with hunger and lying in shit because he was "in the middle of a round" (I ask you!).

I think it's time for some hard decisions.

I think you should rehome the puppy and neither of you are ready for children

Get rid of the puppy. Get a pre-trained dog if you must, or even a cat.

That's as far as pets go. As to having children, I disagree that a pet is in any way indicative. Pets are just strange animals that you're looking after. Completely different to your own children.

You aren't having a fulfilling life with this child gamer though. I'd cut my losses and get rid now

Gaming itself isn't an issue, but he will need to find a different game to play during the day - one with a pause button so that he can look after the puppy when he needs to.

Our Ddog was very much a dry run for having kids for DH and me, and yes, there were arguments about pulling weight etc (both of us convinced we were doing more 😁) but it confirmed for me that DH would be an involved and great dad, rather than the opposite. I agree with pp’s - do not have kids with this man.

If he can't budge from a game to look after a puppy he wanted, he's going to leave a baby in a soaking nappy or a toddler unfed.

A pet isn't a child, of course it isn't.
But how many people show up on MN complaining about their partner's behaving in exactly the same way when there is a child? There are similar threads every day, just swap puppy for DC.

"DH is a slight gamer and in his "breaks" he will play a game here or a game there, so will take 30 mins in between each task to do a round on a game. I never really had an issue with this but since DC was born I do ask him if he can keep an eye on him (once I know he has finished a task and can take a short break) while I go upstairs and clean the bathroom or while I take a bath or shower, or while I pop to the shops to buy dinner bits etc etc......." and so on and so forth.

Maybe this man will magically shape up if they do have a child, but I'd say it's unlikely. He wanted the puppy. He chose the breed. They researched what care it would need. He was really enthusiastic. Then reality bites and he leaves the hard work to the OP.
You couldn't trust someone to be a decent father who can't put the needs of another living being above their "need" to play a computer game.

FFS, he lets the puppy sit there and piss and shit on the floor.

Some serious red flags here OP but worryingly I don’t think you’re actually on the same page about having children and I think you need to iron that out asap. If I’m reading you right, you seem to think you’ll have children later on, he seems to think that means you likely won’t. Don’t wait until you’re on the precipice of not being able to have them before you find that out.
secondly I agree with everyone who has said this all bodes very badly for your relationship and any children you may have.
I suggest you have a serious conversation with him - an “I’m being serious, I’m questioning our whole relationship on the basis of what I’m seeing and experiencing right now and if you can’t treat this seriously too then I don’t know what we’re doing here” sort of conversation.
He does seem to be a child and certainly not treating you with respect, but you need to figure out the children point asap - whether you are actually on the same page there and how he would be with them.

Cuppa upthread is right. You and this guy are not on the same page—he’s playing house, really, while you are imagining that you are living and working towards a shared adult life.

So he desperately wanted a dog. He also desperately doesn't want to do the work that comes with having a dog. Because that can be handled by his skivvy - you.

"I promise you never have I seen him act so incompetent in my life."
Mmm. You have, you just didn't recognise it as such.

Remember you said this - "He will pop to the shops after "work" but refuses to do anything but these rounds on a game in between his work tasks. I'm then waiting to sort dinner or start stuff so I just go myself".

This is called 'strategic incompetence', sometimes 'weaponised incompetence'. Where someone does something so badly (or in this case, so tardily) that they don't get asked / aren't expected to do it again. Ever. He'd rather game than adult. And so you 'just go yourself', doing the adulting that he has abdicated himself from.

So you see, he HAS always been like this, it's just that the dog ownership has brought his behaviour into the light for you to examine afresh. And you don't like what you see ("It's so unattractive"). Neither would I.

Frankly, he doesn't deserve to have a dog, he doesn't actually care for it, does he? Yes, I know he makes all the right noises, 'researched' it (read up on his beloved computer) expressed a preference on breed - but he's doing NOTHING for the dog. He has again abdicated, and expect you to do it all. Hasn't he trained you to do it all? With his strategic incompetence?

Consider whether to rehome the dog, and get him a tamagotchi instead.

And absolutely DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN. Because this should have taught you that he will continue in this behaviour and leave everything to you.

Consider whether he's worth it. Because now you've seen it, you won't be able to unsee what a sexist lazy pig of a manchild you are married to. It's enough to give any woman the ick.

This makes me sad that he genuinely thinks that being in a computer game takes priority over another animal’s needs. Of course if you pop to do something he should put his game on hold so he can actually attend to puppy’s needs.

So similar situation, I realised too late. OH is also a gamer, so was I. OH wanted a dog, grown up with dogs, went on and on about getting a dog. I did want a dog as well but assumed it would be a partnership. Actually getting a dog and I literally have done everything for the dog for the last 10 years. Same story with kids, OH really wanted kids, I was indifferent. We got pregnant by surprise. All platitudes about wanting to do this and that with a kid. Now I do everything for the kid and dog, work full time and have no time for myself, whilst you guessed it, man child sits on the computer.

What happens if the dog was hungry/ it was feeding time and DH was playing computer games - would he make it wait 30-60 mins for him to finish a game?!

what happens if you had a toddler that was hungry/ needed a nappy changing/ taking to the potty/ had grazed a knee/ wanted a sippy cup. Would he ignore them til he was ready to deal with them?!

awful.

You are not being unreasonable, if it was a joint decision to get the puppy, he needs to take some responsibility through the day too in his breaks.

Personally I would take this as a big warning sign as to what he could be like if a child was thrown into the mix if you say you potentially want them later in life, sounds like you'd have to be prepared to be more or less a single parent majority of the time.

@WhereYouLeftIt is absolutely on the money OP.

His lazy, selfish and sexist attitudes were always there, it's just taken this puppy to highlight them.

You are very much his subservient number two in his mind. The one who runs round and does the things that he is far too important to do, and he gets sex on tap. Many many men marry for exactly this set up rather than for love. It's why they speak so disparagingly about their wives when with their mates. They don't love or even like the women they are with, but they do very much like having a bang maid.

I would feel like showing him this thread so he gets a flavour of what other people think of him in this situation...

I repeat the very first reply: do NOT have a baby with this man.

This is such a considered and kind post. And I wholeheartedly agree with every word.

Can you not get out of this situation, honey? I'm so sorry.