DD starting uni and I suddenly feel so sad…

[PuddleMud]

DD is starting uni shortly, she’s going to a very good uni and I’m immensely proud and exited for her… Today it’s suddenly dawned on me how much I’m going to miss her and I feel almost bereft… I keep feeling panicky and then crying at the thought of her not being here anymore, although I’m overwhelmingly happy she’s going, iyswim?

She’s my only daughter and I had her fairly young. It was just me and her for a long time and we’re very close. I know I’m going to be a complete mess for the days leading up to her leaving and the days afterwards and I feel selfish and unreasonable…..

I feel for you. I can honestly say the 6 weeks after dd went to uni were the worst in my life but it gets better.

I had never lived alone before. Just thinking about her made me cry.

I then went on to have the best four years of my life living alone.

It will be tough, but you will get through it.

I was sad when my DS went, but I got used to it and was pleased he was making the most of the experience.

I cried for much of the way home when I took my daughter to uni for the first time.

A fortnight later I made myself go out onto the moors and do our favourite short walk, and I cried through that too, but I knew that the longet I left it, the less likely I was to ever go there again.

I did this self same post 10 years ago!
I felt really bereft as my DD was such a huge part of my life.
To reassure you, I ended up enjoying her Uni years. She was around 5 hours away and I went and stayed in a hotel near her a couple of times a year when she loved showing me her new area. Of course, the holidays are long and when she came home it was great to have her around.
And now 10 years, a BSc and an MA under her belt, having lived in Asia for a year, engaged and a home owner, we are still close emotionally and she only lives an hour or so away.
Well done raising an independent adult.

I felt bereft too but it does pass .🙈

I was OK when my DD went but my son secured a degree apprenticeship and went very quickly, into a hotel for a week before joining a professional houseshare. He was so busy with study and work he hardly called.

It was dreadful for a while.

This was six years ago and I picked up hobbies, some new, but it has taken some adjustment.

Be kind to yourself. It's what you've brought her up to be - strong and independent. This is the next step for you both.

It is hard. End of an era.

But..think how much worse it would be if she hadn’t got her place at uni and was staying at home unhappy and unfocused. That kind of got me through the worst of it.

And trust me, they come back pretty frequently and it’s not long before you are secretly looking forward to having your space back, all nice and tidy!

My first is moving out next month 4 hours away and at the moment I'm just super excited for her for the experiences ahead... in my dreams last night I saw me and her brother leaving her alone after dropping her off and woke up straight away.

Know it'll be so tough for all of us and it'll hit us when we make that first drive for the move!

Bereft is how I felt op.
Just me and her all her life.

I can't say anything to make this feeling better but I can say you will get thru it.
I sobbed on and off for days.

Have you joined the Facebook group ' What I wish I'd Known About University '

Everyone there is in your position to empathise, help with practical stuff and just, well, be there for you.

So that you can be there for your daughter.

You'll feel less alone in so many ways.
It comes and goes. You can even laugh at some things in time.
I remember 3 yrs ago tearing up when I bought a smaller milk.

Mine has just graduated. She left in 2nd lockdown and it was bloody miserable as we couldn't see each other for odd weekends etc.

My dog was my life saver tbh.

It goes very quickly tho, I can say that and you do adjust because deep down as a mum you whole heartedly want the best for them.
You'll get your strength I promise.
Sometimes you go back a bit, but then they'll share a happy thing that they did or you hear of their fun and you totally fill with joy for them.

X

Thanks so much for the support everyone, it’s such a funny time, I was so caught up in the excitement I didn’t realise there’d be so much grief and feel like a party pooper. To be fair she has asked me a few times how much I’ll miss her so she must be feeling the same, she has a good social life and is also quite a home bird, I hope she makes some lovely friends, they’ll all be in the same boat, they just seem too young and the world too cold!

I’m welling up at the ‘smaller milk’… 😭

I have two children with the second yet to leave for uni, but totally get how you feel. It is horrible just dropping them off and going home without them but Christmas comes around quickly and the holidays are long! Facetime is a brilliant invention too. As you say, you are happy and proud of her and that's what you have to focus on.

With my DD I think I found it easier because my son was still at home and I mentally said she'll probably be back after 3 years. Whilst that didn't happen it made the hard part easier.

The day she went though, her best friends Mum cried! I felt like I should but didn't because I was so proud of her and her halls seemed such fun. As we drove home she was sending photos and it made me realise we weren't all that far away really.

Now, today, 6 years on, we have a family WhatsApp group and hardly ever does a day go by when we don't have some sort of conversation between us all.

Oh god, you’re all so lovely and I’m enjoying reading every post, glad it’s normal to feel this way!

I’ve got three children and have felt increasing worse each time one has left and gone to university. Youngest is due to start in a few weeks and bereft exactly sums up how I’m going to be. The mere thought of it brings me to tears, especially as this one is much quieter and a lot less social than the others. I suffer terribly with anxiety and I’m already beside myself with worry as to how they’ll cope.

Oh that sounds tough… Did your others cope well?

Hello, when they go to uni I don’t think there can be too many mothers that don’t go through a grieving process. I definitely did. Couldn’t listen to certain songs, cried a lot, general normal mini grief. I knew I was so lucky that she had got to that stage and possibly because of my job I thank goodness every day that currently she is healthy and happy and those two things are so easily taken for granted. The day before she started her boyfriend dumped her and she had experienced some mental health problems through her teen years. I was worried sick about her. Cried all the way home. Then for about six weeks communications went very quiet indeed, virtually non-existent . Lots of other uni mum’s said the same thing. We live quite near to her uni which I think helped me a bit. Anyway, eventually she needed an inhaler and I saw her and then normal comms were resumed. I would say niw that we have a really lovely relationship. For my birthday she and her friends who I have got to know snd love took me out for the day to a place we used to love going on her childhood and where we have all been together a few times. She rents about a 45 minute drive away, but doesn’t come back in holidays.. she had a tiny bedroom which she shared with her sister , they had bunk beds so it’s understandable but this works really well for us. I know everyone’s story is different but I’m just letting you know mine in the hope that hearing different stories on here will give you comfort on knowing that what you are feeling is completely normal and that we all go through it and come out the other side with loving relationships intact. Good lucK to you both, missing her will be unavoidable, as will the rears, but it will ease and pass and this is all in the natural order of things. X

I felt the same when my oldest son went to university... But...the Christmas holidays are really long, she will be with you for weeks, then the Easter holidays are really long, then in the summer they break up straight after exams at the beginning of may and they are with you for at least 4 months over the summer, the holidays are much longer than school holidays, my 3rd son goes back to university on the 2nd October. Also,you can go to visit once she's settled in, she can come home for a weekend. Hope that helps you, that bond with your daughter will always be there

I thought I would cry when I dropped DD to Uni last year but she was so excited I wasn't as bad as I though I would be. You have to take comfort in them being happy and doing what they should be doing at this time of their lives. DD still messages me every day and whilst I miss her I know she is happy and that makes me happy.

What I wish I knew about Uni is full of Mothers who seriously need to take a chill pill, I thought MN was bad enough but these are another levels of overwrought, overprotective women who need to learn how to start letting go. Wait until they start posting picture of their freshers survival packs they have made up (open this when you are sad, open this when you are missing home, open this when you have a hangover......🙄), or the competitive Xmas calendars they have hand crafted with love. Stay away from it it will make your anxiety much worse than it already is.

This will be me next year. I'm hoping my dd will choose the localish uni, so she can drive home easily at weekends. She is so excited to be independent, and its lovely to see, but I'm also dreading it. To make it worse my youngest is considering boarding for A Levels the same year.

DS is off next month. He’s going to a uni very close to where we live although living in halls. I encouraged him to go elsewhere, but now the dye is cast, I’m pleased that we will see him now and again. And that we won’t have to drive to the other end of country to drop him off. My friend has an only child and she’s definitely finding it tough. I suspect I’ll be there in 2 years time when younger son leaves. Good luck… I’m thinking about weekends that won’t be dominated by sport…

Allicando, thank God some sense! My oldest daughter left home at 16, for a live in job at stables. I didn't weep or wail. She's 52, so no mobile phones in those days. She always lived in. At 21, she moved in with a partner,had my first grandchild. Number one son,left home at 18, same with number 2 son,then number 2 daughter moved in with her bloke. Does it just count if they go off to university. People seem to imagine this means we aren't close as a family,we are ridiculously close, even with an age gap of 21 years between the first and last daughter. We tell each other everything....I mean everything! I knew how many sexual partners they've had, what drugs they've taken. I didn't really want to know everything!

Op, this time last year I was an absolute wreck at the prospect of my son going to uni at the other end of the country. I was so sad, cried every day, felt utterly bereft. The weeks leading up to him going were awful, as was the day we took him. But honestly, that was the worst of it. When he was actually there it wasn’t nearly so bad. Thankfully he settled well, made lovely friends and had a great time, otherwise it might have taken me a while longer to calm down!

Honestly, the wrench of them leaving is hard. But it passes and in my experience it’s the thought of it which is worse than the reality. And the best thing is that they come home at the end of every term! My son has been home since mid June (apart from numerous holidays with friends!) and doesn’t go back to uni til early October. It’s been so lovely having him and I know I’ll be sad when he goes back but nothing like last year.

Stay strong, it’ll be fine!

First son was dropped off at halls and we went to the cafe in the huge Tesco nearby. I was holding it together. We got fish and chips. My husband suddenly said "I'm really going to miss that lovely, noisy boy". My face started leaking tears and when I looked up there were parents at every table trying very, very hard to keep it together. When second son left a year later I didn't cry until I set the table for tea. We got used to it being just the 2 of us very quickly and there is lots about it that's really nice. They are 29 and 30 now and both married. One lives 10 minutes away with our first grandchild. The other has just moved back from his Uni city and is 20 minutes up the road. It is hard Op. You have to learn new ways but visiting their new cities is a lovely thing and you can look forward to her coming home for Christmas.