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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD starting uni and I suddenly feel so sad…

133 replies

PuddleMud · 24/08/2023 18:27

DD is starting uni shortly, she’s going to a very good uni and I’m immensely proud and exited for her… Today it’s suddenly dawned on me how much I’m going to miss her and I feel almost bereft… I keep feeling panicky and then crying at the thought of her not being here anymore, although I’m overwhelmingly happy she’s going, iyswim?

She’s my only daughter and I had her fairly young. It was just me and her for a long time and we’re very close. I know I’m going to be a complete mess for the days leading up to her leaving and the days afterwards and I feel selfish and unreasonable…..

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 30/08/2023 07:40

thank heavens for the dog I agree!

Willmafrockfit · 30/08/2023 07:43

i think it is hard for fathers too, not just mums

Isthisexpected · 30/08/2023 07:51

Allicando · 29/08/2023 07:42

What I wish I knew about Uni is full of Mothers who seriously need to take a chill pill, I thought MN was bad enough but these are another levels of overwrought, overprotective women who need to learn how to start letting go. Wait until they start posting picture of their freshers survival packs they have made up (open this when you are sad, open this when you are missing home, open this when you have a hangover......🙄), or the competitive Xmas calendars they have hand crafted with love. Stay away from it it will make your anxiety much worse than it already is.

This sounds right up my street!

Lastchancechica · 30/08/2023 09:03

BustyDin · 29/08/2023 22:43

Honestly, we are all different, and perceive our children's progress to full adulthood in different ways. As I said, one of mine did go to Australia for a long period and I didn't weep about it.

When you think of the people whose children die before they get the chance to leap off into the great wide world, you really can and should feel happy and relieved if you've managed to get your children to that age without any huge disasters.

Your child went to the other side of the world and you didn’t weep, that is your experience.

My experience is different, my relationship with my child is different. Everyone will cope in different ways, and miss their children.

I have spent eighteen whole years with my dd, it’s an enormous amount of time loving and protecting her - cheering her on, celebrating her achievements, supporting her difficulties, patching her up, holding her in my arms, sharing every singe moment with her, and now she will experience all of that without me.

Of course it is going to be deeply painful to lose that connection with her, to miss her beautiful spirit, her stories, adventures, her essence, the smell of her coconut hair and every little part of her - I will miss her in such a way as to not be able to describe adequately on here.

As she prepares to leave I am proud and fearful in equal measure, she seems capable and ready but young and vulnerable in equal measure. I pray the world is kind to her. I couldn’t love her any more than I do, and the ending of her childhood feels final - very final - and I have loved her childhood, treasured the days that have now gone.

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 11:07

Cheering and celebrating? God that’s so competitive and hard work. Some of this is really ott. And all about you.

My DDs both went to a school exchange in South Africa for a term at age 13. I didn’t go with them. They were resilient and keen to try something new. I’m so lucky I don’t possess this gene that let’s sentiment overtake common sense. We love each other deeply but allow maturity and individualism to be most important. Not smelling their hair!

BIossomtoes · 30/08/2023 11:18

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 11:07

Cheering and celebrating? God that’s so competitive and hard work. Some of this is really ott. And all about you.

My DDs both went to a school exchange in South Africa for a term at age 13. I didn’t go with them. They were resilient and keen to try something new. I’m so lucky I don’t possess this gene that let’s sentiment overtake common sense. We love each other deeply but allow maturity and individualism to be most important. Not smelling their hair!

One term away at 13 is completely different. You knew normal life would be resumed when they came back. When your kid leaves at 18 for uni it’s the end of an era, things will never be the same again. By all means be happy that you don’t possess this gene but I really wouldn’t think yourself lucky that you’re so lacking in empathy that you condemn other mothers for their completely normal and natural instincts just because you don’t share them.

SirVixofVixHall · 30/08/2023 11:26

ErnestMilton · 30/08/2023 07:15

When you think of the people whose children die before they get the chance to leap off into the great wide world ...

That's a cheap shot. I've got more than one acquaintance who has lost a child and there is no comparison.

People are expressing the varying degrees of sadness (as well as pride) they are feeling as their children move out and move on.

DH and I have got some great plans for the future now life doesn't revolve around DD's school/sport/work schedule. However, on a day to day basis we will miss this lovely young woman we've had the privilege of raising.

Agree a cheap shot, worse than that, incredibly insensitive.
There may well be people on this thread who have experienced both these things. Having lost a child in our wider family, I can say that it didn’t make me feel “hurrah ! My child is alive and off to uni!” it adds another layer to grief as my children move forward with their lives while the other life ended far too soon. It also adds to the fear that the lives of my children and others I love, could be cut short at any point, and makes the leaving harder.

mrswhiplington · 30/08/2023 11:41

Pam Ayres wrote a lovely poem called "A September Song" about her son going to uni. Listen at your peril.😪

ErnestMilton · 30/08/2023 11:54

Cheering and celebrating? God that’s so competitive and hard work

Oh bore off, Tizz!

TheaBrandt · 30/08/2023 12:17

Always remember a thread lighthearted “what’s the worst thing your child has ever done” cue funny disaster stories if falling in lakes etc then one poster said “grew up and moved away”

CustomCupboard · 30/08/2023 12:30

ErnestMilton · 30/08/2023 11:54

Cheering and celebrating? God that’s so competitive and hard work

Oh bore off, Tizz!

I'm with you @ErnestMilton!

I have been cheering on and celebrating my son since before he was born. And now he's off to uni, and a chapter of both our lives is about to come to a close - and a new one will begin.

So many mixed emotions, and so important to feel those feelings and express them.

Thank you to everyone on this thread for so many lovely supportive comments about the plethora of emotions we're all feeling at this time.

All the very best to you all, and your fledgling children.

Lastchancechica · 30/08/2023 14:10

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 11:07

Cheering and celebrating? God that’s so competitive and hard work. Some of this is really ott. And all about you.

My DDs both went to a school exchange in South Africa for a term at age 13. I didn’t go with them. They were resilient and keen to try something new. I’m so lucky I don’t possess this gene that let’s sentiment overtake common sense. We love each other deeply but allow maturity and individualism to be most important. Not smelling their hair!

Competitive?
Hard work?

Nope, I have supported my dd every step of the way through serious situations ( she lost a friend to suicide) and the most happy of years. I don’t consider it ‘hard work’ as it was my choice.

One term overseas does not sound so hard, they came back in a matter of weeks! A child moving away for four years - probably more likely to to be five and now an adult is a whole different ballgame. My daughter has also done lots of overseas trips independently. It’s not the same.

The ‘gene’ as you put it of loving and caring is nothing to worry about, personally I would rather feel like this, than be a cold fish and feel nothing. My dc feel very loved.

Money987654Plant · 30/08/2023 17:53

I went to uni several hundred miles away, over 30 years ago

I recently found a box of letters that family & friends sent to me, also cards & newspaper cuttings, jokes

I had forgotten how supported I was !

Several of these people have passed away now

They were very proud that I went to university

The box of letters has been recycled now ♻️

Mamabear2424 · 01/09/2023 18:56

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 21:02

@Mamabear2424 What difference does my age matter? Are you saying I’m old and cannot remember how I felt? It wasn’t painful for me. It isn’t for everyone. We saw no parent crying at uni.

I think there are ways to feel positive and proud. One way is not to see DC as your support crew. Try and see them as young adults with lots to discover and need to do it away from parents. Of course they’ve probably started being independent already but just give support when they need it at uni.

I wasnt talking about your age, i said presume you have young kids to comment that way!

Mamabear2424 · 01/09/2023 18:58

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 11:07

Cheering and celebrating? God that’s so competitive and hard work. Some of this is really ott. And all about you.

My DDs both went to a school exchange in South Africa for a term at age 13. I didn’t go with them. They were resilient and keen to try something new. I’m so lucky I don’t possess this gene that let’s sentiment overtake common sense. We love each other deeply but allow maturity and individualism to be most important. Not smelling their hair!

Omg this is NOTHING like going to uni, get a grip

TizerorFizz · 01/09/2023 18:59

No. I don’t. My feelings were just more subdued.

Isthisexpected · 01/09/2023 19:14

Money987654Plant · 30/08/2023 17:53

I went to uni several hundred miles away, over 30 years ago

I recently found a box of letters that family & friends sent to me, also cards & newspaper cuttings, jokes

I had forgotten how supported I was !

Several of these people have passed away now

They were very proud that I went to university

The box of letters has been recycled now ♻️

I'm so sentimental I would not be able to part with this. But that's besides the point, what a lovely thing to have done. They all must have really been proud of you.

reegee · 01/09/2023 19:33

As mentioned by a pp, this is very apt and also tear inducing.

A September Song – Pam Ayres

He is off to university, all is now in place
there is fear, anticipation and excitement in his face.
An overstuffed enormous bag and rucksack in the hall
and a ghastly leaden feeling like the ending of it all.

I cannot let it show this selfish aching in my heart
for the sweet chaotic years in which you played the major part.
I am fearful of the emptiness when you depart the room
and silence settles round us like the stillness of a tomb.

At your bedroom door I used to stand and shake my head
the mess was unbelievable, the floor, the chair, the bed.
The place was never hoovered, never felt a duster's touch
but now it's neat and clean and I don't like it half as much.

I loved you going out, so young and eager and alive
and I loved you coming home, your little car, turned in the drive.
The energy, the racket, all the songs you loved to play
and I won't know where to turn to when the music dies away.

There was ringing of the mobile, there was tapping of the text
the ipod and the ipad and the new thing coming next.
There was passion, there was fashion, with your father in despair
saying, “In the name of God, what has that boy done to his hair?!”

Now parents realise that all between them that has dwindled
can be resuscitated and romantically rekindled.
Old passions reignited, sexual energies uncurbed
but looking at your Dad, I think I'll leave him undisturbed.

My son is ready, independent, eager, fit, he has to go.
He must take his chances now, I know, I know, I know, I know
He will make so many friends, he will be having such a ball;
it may all be so exciting that he won't come home at all.

I am looking at a life which seems so drained of all it's colour;
the heart is gone from us, we are older, we are duller.
Now when people ask us, we'll show photographs and say,
“Our son's at university, that's right, he lives away...”

ssd · 01/09/2023 20:59

TizerorFizz · 01/09/2023 18:59

No. I don’t. My feelings were just more subdued.

Im curious, what age are your dds now?

TizerorFizz · 01/09/2023 21:04

28 and 30. Why does that matter? I’ve experienced them going to school, boarding, going to uni, living away from home and I’m close to them. We just don’t seem to be as joined at the hip as some mums here. We are not all the same though, are we?

ssd · 01/09/2023 21:04

That Pam Ayers poem would bring a tear to a glass eye

Mamabear2424 · 01/09/2023 21:21

reegee · 01/09/2023 19:33

As mentioned by a pp, this is very apt and also tear inducing.

A September Song – Pam Ayres

He is off to university, all is now in place
there is fear, anticipation and excitement in his face.
An overstuffed enormous bag and rucksack in the hall
and a ghastly leaden feeling like the ending of it all.

I cannot let it show this selfish aching in my heart
for the sweet chaotic years in which you played the major part.
I am fearful of the emptiness when you depart the room
and silence settles round us like the stillness of a tomb.

At your bedroom door I used to stand and shake my head
the mess was unbelievable, the floor, the chair, the bed.
The place was never hoovered, never felt a duster's touch
but now it's neat and clean and I don't like it half as much.

I loved you going out, so young and eager and alive
and I loved you coming home, your little car, turned in the drive.
The energy, the racket, all the songs you loved to play
and I won't know where to turn to when the music dies away.

There was ringing of the mobile, there was tapping of the text
the ipod and the ipad and the new thing coming next.
There was passion, there was fashion, with your father in despair
saying, “In the name of God, what has that boy done to his hair?!”

Now parents realise that all between them that has dwindled
can be resuscitated and romantically rekindled.
Old passions reignited, sexual energies uncurbed
but looking at your Dad, I think I'll leave him undisturbed.

My son is ready, independent, eager, fit, he has to go.
He must take his chances now, I know, I know, I know, I know
He will make so many friends, he will be having such a ball;
it may all be so exciting that he won't come home at all.

I am looking at a life which seems so drained of all it's colour;
the heart is gone from us, we are older, we are duller.
Now when people ask us, we'll show photographs and say,
“Our son's at university, that's right, he lives away...”

Nice but they dont really live away, they are at home more than they are there, my dd has been home 6 months for the summer!

Lastchancechica · 02/09/2023 21:12

TizerorFizz · 01/09/2023 21:04

28 and 30. Why does that matter? I’ve experienced them going to school, boarding, going to uni, living away from home and I’m close to them. We just don’t seem to be as joined at the hip as some mums here. We are not all the same though, are we?

Your kids were boarding so no wonder Uni was no great shakes, you had said goodbye long before. Boarding I would agree is much harder, as the dc are so much younger. Your feelings sound repressed not subdued.

No one wants to actively suffer and miss their dc, but for most of us it is a loss, a grief and one that takes time to recover. I am glad if it’s easier for you. We don’t get gold gold stars for crying at night and hoping they are safe.

Many of our friends had nannies, au pairs etc before boarding and were hands off from the beginning so maybe that made a difference too.

Lastchancechica · 02/09/2023 21:21

Mamabear2424 · 01/09/2023 21:21

Nice but they dont really live away, they are at home more than they are there, my dd has been home 6 months for the summer!

I needed to hear that. 😅😅

Titsywoo · 02/09/2023 21:35

ssd · 29/08/2023 21:05

There's a poem i cant read, written by an American parent that's apparently printed every autumn, when college goes back. I cant find it but it ends in .Safe. Home. Mine.

It kills me

Anyone else really want to read this poem now!

My DD is also off in less than 3 weeks. I'm excited for her at the moment but I'm not sure how I will feel when we actually drop her off...

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