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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD starting uni and I suddenly feel so sad…

133 replies

PuddleMud · 24/08/2023 18:27

DD is starting uni shortly, she’s going to a very good uni and I’m immensely proud and exited for her… Today it’s suddenly dawned on me how much I’m going to miss her and I feel almost bereft… I keep feeling panicky and then crying at the thought of her not being here anymore, although I’m overwhelmingly happy she’s going, iyswim?

She’s my only daughter and I had her fairly young. It was just me and her for a long time and we’re very close. I know I’m going to be a complete mess for the days leading up to her leaving and the days afterwards and I feel selfish and unreasonable…..

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 10:24

@Nannyfannybanny me too. My son was in a professional house share 30 miles away a week before his 18th starting an apprenticeship- he also passed his test and had a car at 17. at 21 he was in London in a houseshare and at 25 he's in a flatshare in a nice bit of London with just 2 of them (not a partner) I'm immensely proud of him and how independent he is - we have discussions about M&S yellow stickering and his air fryer!! Lol speak 2 or 3 times a week and love him to bits.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 10:27

@Riverlee and as independent as my son is- that Abba song does make make my chin wobble!!

SirVixofVixHall · 29/08/2023 10:31

It is hard, I agree.
I have two daughters and a husband, but my eldest going away has made me so sad. She is home now and last night I was watching a film , cuddled up with her, and started to cry at the thought of her leaving again in a month !
It does make you realise how fast it all goes, and how you are so focused on each day with children, what to cook, what they need for school etc etc, that it just whizzes by. Of course I am happy that she has done one year at university, that she is meeting new, interesting people, and making friendships , I just miss her. I miss seeing her everyday and all the small things that make up family life. I think it is one of the hardest parts of motherhood actually.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 10:32

@JT69 I think you have it there- for many mums it's not always so much the children leaving - it's the end of an era of noisy family homes for long periods and many peoples relationships by that point (not all of course) can often be about 'the family' and domesticity-and being on your own again as a couple (if you aren't a single parent) can often widen rifts that were already creeping in.

Mmhmmn · 29/08/2023 10:35

DP's DM made sure he knew how she felt about the prospect of him moving away to uni so he didn't. He stayed at home for uni, and he's still making choices today for her sake over his own.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 29/08/2023 10:36

I felt exactly the same about each of my children moving out (I have 5!) When my youngest went it was during the pandemic and over the course of two months two daughters got married and the youngest went to Uni. I cried and missed her and it got better. Just as well because she got married in June as well so now our nest is well and truly empty.

TheSituationIsUnique · 29/08/2023 10:39

DP's DM made sure he knew how she felt about the prospect of him moving away to uni so he didn't. He stayed at home for uni, and he's still making choices today for her sake over his own.

That so sad. I bet that’s hard for you to cope with day to day as well.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/08/2023 10:39

I think it's normal to feel like this. I cried when I left my daughter at uni. I am a single mum to two and had a five year old at the time so he was my main distraction. Be warned though, my daughter never came home! I mean she visited and was back for a large part of lockdown but she moved into a flatshare once she had completed her degree as it was cheaper than the commute from home to work. So the dynamic has changed now but I'm very proud of her.

TheSituationIsUnique · 29/08/2023 10:40

My plan is to get more animals. 🤣

BitOutOfPractice · 29/08/2023 11:17

It's really hard. I felt the same with both of mine. But I think you have to try and reframe it in your mind as a shiny new chapter in your life too and embrace the positives for you - because there really are positives, I promise.

And they will be back soon enough.

I hope it all goes swimmingly for both of you

Bibbetybobbity · 29/08/2023 11:40

@TizerorFizz well said.

And completely agree with the comments about WIWIKAU- useful info, but some levels of crazy too. I actually find it really sweet/funny when the mawkish posts start and they attach a pic and the ‘child’ in question has a full beard or whatnot, posing sweetly in front of a car that mum (let’s be honest) has lovingly packed to the hilt. I realise adults children with beards can still need support, but it’s just so funny. I always think ‘he’ll be fine- he looks 30!’

Mamabear2424 · 29/08/2023 12:29

It is very hard at first wont lie, none of the parenting books ever tell you about this, it is the hardesrt stage i think . But, it does get better, its like a physical pain at first and mentally hard but it does ease as you both adapt, xx

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 12:38

Clearly I am generally rather an unemotional pragmatic type as I certainly didn't go round feeling bereft. I was very interested in his new life however and new friends etc and loved chatting and seeing him

alwaysthesameonthesethreads · 29/08/2023 12:51

i remember feeling like that. i have only one (dd). the feeling does fade as you get used to it although i still feel sad about it. she is about to start her 3rd final year. best of luck

JudyP · 29/08/2023 13:36

PuddleMud · 24/08/2023 19:42

Oh god, you’re all so lovely and I’m enjoying reading every post, glad it’s normal to feel this way!

Completely normal and such a loss in the house we went from 4 to 3 so we still had a boy at home! But it was so much quieter - if you like to indulge in a good cry ( I do!) listen to Abba slipping through my fingers - if you don't want to cry then don't listen! It gets me every time! 😢

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 18:57

Not sure it’s totally normal. They have only gone to uni! Most haven’t gone to Australia!!

TheYadaYada · 29/08/2023 19:01

It is sad. You have to expect it. I cried all the way home from uni 2 years ago. My husband and I actually felt depressed for about a week afterwards. He couldn’t talk about it without crying, and that would set me off! We did the same 2 years prior with the eldest.

But, you get used to it. And knowing they’re having the time of their lives helps massively.

And, we bloody love our temporary empty nest now!

BustyDin · 29/08/2023 19:11

I don't feel the whole 'bereft' thing, as I'm basically happy that my DC are thriving and happy and ok at university - but if it makes you feel better, you will probably find that the terms feel very short once you've got used to having your own space and life, @PuddleMud I've had my student children here since June (in the case of one of mine), and that particular student is not going back to university until October.

I find it fun to go and see them at university and see somewhere new. Meeting their new friends is also a nice bonus.

I have been a SAHM (now divorced and single, but still a SAHM) since DC1 was born, so maybe I had seen enough of them. Grin

Mary46 · 29/08/2023 19:16

Feel for you op. Mine is awaiting her college place we in Ireland. My dog keeps me going. No not easy. My friend daughter abroad but she does get home. It brings alot of emotions

DungareesAndTrombones · 29/08/2023 19:21

Mine is going too and I've had to get a grip of myself because I keep imagining him being sad, all alone in his room in halls, and then I cry! When in reality he's going to be having the time of his life. Also he is really, really good company, who will I make nice dinners with now and go collect from work and get mcdonalds?!

Need to stop now or I will set myself off again! 😂😭 Solidarity @PuddleMud !

DungareesAndTrombones · 29/08/2023 19:23

Also what will the dog do!!! He headbutts Son's bedroom door open to go gets cuddle😭😭🥺🥺🥺

BIossomtoes · 29/08/2023 19:28

I’m the toughest of tough old boots and I cried. I also cried when he went off to Australia for a year and called me one morning because “I just wanted to hear your voice”. I’m a bit damp eyed just remembering that.

ErnestMilton · 29/08/2023 19:49

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 18:57

Not sure it’s totally normal. They have only gone to uni! Most haven’t gone to Australia!!

We get it Tizz - you're the cool mum who takes it all in her stride ...

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 19:57

@ErnestMilton Not cool at all. Just like to see DC make their own way. Most can and we should congratulate ourselves on doing a good job.

Taylorscat · 29/08/2023 20:11

I’m already thinking about this a little and I’ve got 3 years yet til she goes, it’s me and dd and I don’t have that many friends although I do have a close family.

I’ve started researching holidays ! Looking at some with exodus and also I love swimming so thinking about swimtrek holidays. This has quelled the rising panic I had bubbling away.

And now I’m really enjoying the present with dd knowing that I’ve also got a very exciting future with all this freedom I’m going to have to do new things and travel. I think this will also be good for her to know - we will both start exciting new chapters at the same time

I don’t particularly mind how far away she goes as I can travel, but it’d be a bonus if it was a lovely city to visit !