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Original poster

DD starting uni and I suddenly feel so sad…

133 replies

PuddleMud · 24/08/2023 18:27

DD is starting uni shortly, she’s going to a very good uni and I’m immensely proud and exited for her… Today it’s suddenly dawned on me how much I’m going to miss her and I feel almost bereft… I keep feeling panicky and then crying at the thought of her not being here anymore, although I’m overwhelmingly happy she’s going, iyswim?

She’s my only daughter and I had her fairly young. It was just me and her for a long time and we’re very close. I know I’m going to be a complete mess for the days leading up to her leaving and the days afterwards and I feel selfish and unreasonable…..

OP posts:
ErnestMilton · 29/08/2023 20:17

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 19:57

@ErnestMilton Not cool at all. Just like to see DC make their own way. Most can and we should congratulate ourselves on doing a good job.

But we can feel proud and sad at the same time. We're quite complex, us humans.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 29/08/2023 20:20

A friend said to me, “you’ve made her feel so safe and loved that she’s ready to leave you” and that helped a lot. It’s what we do, right? I’m so excited for my dd starting this chapter, but definitely going to miss having her around. (And I’m absolutely not going to risk listening to that ABBA song for a few weeks 😁)

RaisedByHedgehogs · 29/08/2023 20:22

ErnestMilton · 29/08/2023 20:17

But we can feel proud and sad at the same time. We're quite complex, us humans.

Show quote history

Exactly this. It’s a mix of a lot of feelings. Complex is right.

BustyDin · 29/08/2023 20:28

ErnestMilton · 29/08/2023 19:49

We get it Tizz - you're the cool mum who takes it all in her stride ...

Show quote history

What a silly thing to say (or think). For some people, it's perfectly normal to be in floods of tears when their children go to university, and for others, it's perfectly normal to wave them off with a smile. There's nothing 'cool' about being in the latter camp.

One of mine did go to Australia, btw, and I still waved him off with a smile. I was glad that I'd been the springboard for him to go and do some fun things. Obviously I missed him, but not in a 'woe is me' kind of way. We should be glad that our children feel able to move on, and we should celebrate this.

Mamabear2424 · 29/08/2023 20:37

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 18:57

Not sure it’s totally normal. They have only gone to uni! Most haven’t gone to Australia!!

presume your kids are nowhere near this stage? Its a very real painful event for parents actually

Mrburnshound · 29/08/2023 20:44

This thread is making me 😭 and my eldest is 5! My time will come all too quickly (and you will have lovely GC by then maybe!)

ssd · 29/08/2023 20:46

BIossomtoes · 29/08/2023 19:28

I’m the toughest of tough old boots and I cried. I also cried when he went off to Australia for a year and called me one morning because “I just wanted to hear your voice”. I’m a bit damp eyed just remembering that.

Oh god. Thats set me offSad

ErnestMilton · 29/08/2023 20:49

We should be glad that our children feel able to move on, and we should celebrate this

See above about us humans being complex ...

ssd · 29/08/2023 20:55

Everyone here is bursting with pride about how independent and hard working their kids are. No one can deny this. And no one can deny how hard it is to let them go. Saying someone shouldn't feel like this is just cruel. We know they aren't in Australia but its the next step we are taking and we can never go back.

BIossomtoes · 29/08/2023 21:01

ssd · 29/08/2023 20:55

Everyone here is bursting with pride about how independent and hard working their kids are. No one can deny this. And no one can deny how hard it is to let them go. Saying someone shouldn't feel like this is just cruel. We know they aren't in Australia but its the next step we are taking and we can never go back.

This. And it’s harder to let them go than bring them into the world.

TizerorFizz · 29/08/2023 21:02

@Mamabear2424 What difference does my age matter? Are you saying I’m old and cannot remember how I felt? It wasn’t painful for me. It isn’t for everyone. We saw no parent crying at uni.

I think there are ways to feel positive and proud. One way is not to see DC as your support crew. Try and see them as young adults with lots to discover and need to do it away from parents. Of course they’ve probably started being independent already but just give support when they need it at uni.

ssd · 29/08/2023 21:05

There's a poem i cant read, written by an American parent that's apparently printed every autumn, when college goes back. I cant find it but it ends in .Safe. Home. Mine.

It kills me

TheaBrandt · 29/08/2023 21:15

I am not usually a weepy type but surprised myself by being inconsolable when my eldest had her first day at school. Managed to make it home before the tears started. Weirdly was fine when dd2 started.

This poem gets me everytime

Walking Awayby C Day-Lewis
It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –
A sunny day with leaves just turning,
The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you play
Your first game of football, then, like a satellite
Wrenched from its orbit, go drifting away
Behind a scatter of boys. I can see
You walking away from me towards the school
With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free
Into a wilderness, the gait of one
Who finds no path where the path should be.
That hesitant figure, eddying away
Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,
Has something I never quite grasp to convey
About nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorching
Ordeals which fire one’s irresolute clay.
I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 29/08/2023 21:33

This thread has helped me so much. Thank you, all. I’ve been having so many different feelings, lots of the sad, lots of them happy, and it’s so nice to read that others are having the same. It’s a big step.

ssd · 29/08/2023 21:46

Yes. Its the feeling you can't go back.

They come home for the holidays, or for a holiday, but they don't come home forever, they are off again, busy with their pals and lives and futures....and you are left with silence and an ache you can't admit too. And no amount of hobbies can fill the void.

And it sort of reminds us we're getting old. We won't ever be 19 again, full of life and plans and only thinking of the future knowing its exciting and all in front of us.

We can't ever go back and we wouldn't want them to either.

But I'd give anything to have one day with them at 6 and 9, playing in the sand. Calling me mummy. Tucking them up and kissing them goodnight.

SheerLucks · 29/08/2023 21:55

Crunched · 24/08/2023 18:54

I did this self same post 10 years ago!
I felt really bereft as my DD was such a huge part of my life.
To reassure you, I ended up enjoying her Uni years. She was around 5 hours away and I went and stayed in a hotel near her a couple of times a year when she loved showing me her new area. Of course, the holidays are long and when she came home it was great to have her around.
And now 10 years, a BSc and an MA under her belt, having lived in Asia for a year, engaged and a home owner, we are still close emotionally and she only lives an hour or so away.
Well done raising an independent adult.

What a lovely post. I will remember this as my DD is entering 6th form college and beyond.

We are extremely close but I realise that part of our lives will have to end soon if she is to realise her dream.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 21:55

@ssd - I agree -

SheerLucks · 29/08/2023 22:24

It’s the end of a fabulous era.

This!!

BustyDin · 29/08/2023 22:43

Mamabear2424 · 29/08/2023 20:37

presume your kids are nowhere near this stage? Its a very real painful event for parents actually

Show quote history

Honestly, we are all different, and perceive our children's progress to full adulthood in different ways. As I said, one of mine did go to Australia for a long period and I didn't weep about it.

When you think of the people whose children die before they get the chance to leap off into the great wide world, you really can and should feel happy and relieved if you've managed to get your children to that age without any huge disasters.

bingabad · 29/08/2023 23:20

Not sure why I clicked on this thread but now I'm crying too!

My dc are 11 and younger. Eldest will start secondary school next week and I feel emotional about that.

Some days feel so chaotic and challenging but I know I will miss them ( and the noise ) terribly when they leave.

TheaBrandt · 29/08/2023 23:30

On the other hand Dd aged 14 has 5 mates here having a sleepover - the idea of a peaceful adults only house seems rather appealing…

Redmat · 30/08/2023 00:00

When you have your children, you kind of think this is the way we are now ,this is my life. Its often such hard work you don't look to the end . Then suddenly it arrives. The safe comfortable routines will be gone. Someone who has been there for 18 years will no longer be shouting up the stairs asking where their jumper is. One less toothbrush in the bathroom ,one less plate at the table.
It's so hard and most parents I know shed a tear.
Life will never be the same again , but the holidays are great.
And you do get used to it!

ErnestMilton · 30/08/2023 07:15

When you think of the people whose children die before they get the chance to leap off into the great wide world ...

That's a cheap shot. I've got more than one acquaintance who has lost a child and there is no comparison.

People are expressing the varying degrees of sadness (as well as pride) they are feeling as their children move out and move on.

DH and I have got some great plans for the future now life doesn't revolve around DD's school/sport/work schedule. However, on a day to day basis we will miss this lovely young woman we've had the privilege of raising.

Enko · 30/08/2023 07:24

People joke about empty nesting but it us a really difficult part of life. My youngest (dd3)went to uni last year and the idea of it just being dh and I was hard. Dd2 ended up moving back home but isnlooking at leaving again now. So come September we may once again just be the 2 of us and the dog.

Thank heavens for the dog.

Willmafrockfit · 30/08/2023 07:40

i cried on the way home from dropping oldest dd off
and second dd, she cried when we popped the next day, which wasnt wise!
but it is exciting for them
new chapter
be proud of what they have achieved