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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a running buddy?

163 replies

LonesomeRanger · 24/08/2023 16:20

About 6 months ago I joined a running club to learn how to run properly, and get some motivation. I did ask a few friends if they wanted to join me, but they said no.

6 months on, I’m fitter and healthier, and I’ve entered a few events over the next 6 months.

Now one friend has not asked, but said she’ll join me on my runs, and we can be running partners. Except, I don’t need a partner now. I’m 6 months on, and she will pretty much be starting from scratch.

Apparently, she’ll just do what I do and I can share my training plan, that I paid someone to scope out for me.

AIBU to not want a running partner? I think she’ll be upset if I decline.

How to put it across so I don’t fall out with her?

OP posts:

Creamteasandbumblebees · 26/08/2023 19:30

I had a running buddy, she had to stop for a while due to injury and I realised I loved running on my own. When she was ready to run again I explained that I went out really early and found that it was much better for me to run solo with my music blaring in my ears. She was fine about it, it does wonders for my mood and mental health.

Casperroonie · 26/08/2023 22:49

Tell her to join you at park run, then she'll realise how much work she has to do and change her mind....

Also,that you're not qualified to help her if she has an injury etc.

Cocolebombom · 27/08/2023 02:07

LonesomeRanger · 26/08/2023 07:05

I am going to use this from now on. It is really helpful.

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations.

I messaged her to say that it's not going to work for me as I have my own training program and routine, and gave her the link to the club, and said hope to see you there. I don't think she will go.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Like I said, it wasn't just the running. I have done things with her before and come away burned. She once got me to join a hobby group which we had to pay upfront. When I got there, she had renegotiated it as a taster session, and then decided she didn't want to do it, and I was left with 8 sessions to finish off. I wasn't even that interested. I just did it to be sociable.

I often find myself in situations like this, because I am a people pleaser, or a push over. This is one of the first times I think I have ever told someone a flat no!

"moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I am definitely someone who has spent a lot of time in prolonged resentment situations.

Great! Good for you! Her reply seems a bit manipulative imo. She could have just said "fair enough cheers" instead she's tried to guilt trip you.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 27/08/2023 06:21

Just caught up with the thread.

It is not manipulative to say, "OK, that's a shame" as that's how she feels

Of course it's a shame for her, not the OP who doesn't want her there

Who ever gets a plate of food for another able bodied person at a buffet? And I mean an adult.

Ladybug14 · 27/08/2023 06:55

LonesomeRanger · 25/08/2023 07:54

I don't think I'm being precious about my run, rather it is about my time.

I think part of it is also the fact that whilst I am friends with this person, she has in the past shown me that she is quite selfish, and will happily drop me, and has done, for a better offer.

Then why are you so bothered about her being upset when you tell her 'no' ?

xsquared · 27/08/2023 08:14

"Okay, that's a shame." is a pretty standard response to being told no. I don't see it as manipulative.

I think some people are reading way too much in this.

xsquared · 27/08/2023 08:16

Who ever gets a plate of food for another able bodied person at a buffet? And I mean an adult.

I think that was a sneaky reference to the "Friend treating me like her maid" thread. 😁

Pandajane · 27/08/2023 12:29

I love the outcome of this situation for you @LonesomeRanger ! You did exactly the right thing. Enjoy your running.

Ontheperiphery79 · 27/08/2023 13:11

Good for you, OP.

Your 'friend' is a CF and I'm glad for you that you've put her a boundary in place around YOUR hobby that you have dedicated time and money to.

Also, the "That's a shame'" response (or, however it is worded) does come across as mannipukatuve/'poor me'.

Raggy81 · 27/08/2023 14:31

Tell her thanks for the offer, but you use the time to clear your head and it's precious 'me time' so you like running solo now.

MaryLea · 27/08/2023 18:22

In my experience she won't stick around. You're not going for a leisurely stroll and a chat. Tell her that you're serious about your schedule and that you don't want to compromise your training so, if she doesn't mind going for your regularly paced run, fine - but you won't get any benefit from it yourself if you underpace yourself for her benefit. If she's serious she'll sort herself out and figure it out on her own. Maybe in six months she can join you. I had a friend just like that. She'd try to horn in on my exercise routine constantly, but didn't have the discipline to sort herself out. I suspect your friend is the same.

Tell her to download an app and do a couch to five k training plan first. She won't do it. The thing is, she is expecting you to let your own exercise routine revolve around her, for you to go slower and get less benefit from your own sessions - and that's not buddies. If she wants a personal trainer, she can pay for one.

MaryLea · 27/08/2023 18:29

Ah, okay - just saw the outcome. Yeah, not somebody you want to go running with! Seems like she looks at other people to be her crutch.

NoThanksymm · 29/08/2023 18:56

I’d share the plan, but say I’ve found I enjoy the peace of running alone most days.

offer them your trainer s number and your experience.

i just tried Nike run club. It’s free and something. And I need three weeks to recover between. Not something I’d bug a friend for!

also suggest the local rescue- they need/allow you to walk dogs! Delightful and they don’t judge (much) if you are fit, of huffing and puffing and jogging slower than you walk (me).

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