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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a running buddy?

163 replies

LonesomeRanger · 24/08/2023 16:20

About 6 months ago I joined a running club to learn how to run properly, and get some motivation. I did ask a few friends if they wanted to join me, but they said no.

6 months on, I’m fitter and healthier, and I’ve entered a few events over the next 6 months.

Now one friend has not asked, but said she’ll join me on my runs, and we can be running partners. Except, I don’t need a partner now. I’m 6 months on, and she will pretty much be starting from scratch.

Apparently, she’ll just do what I do and I can share my training plan, that I paid someone to scope out for me.

AIBU to not want a running partner? I think she’ll be upset if I decline.

How to put it across so I don’t fall out with her?

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 24/08/2023 23:40

@LonesomeRanger
Say yes then do military style runs etc

CloudyMcCloudy · 24/08/2023 23:44

I prefer to run alone and have been asked and just say it. It’s fine. Be honest

xsquared · 24/08/2023 23:46

Some of these suggestions to accept and to outrun her to put her off are ridiculous, wasting everyone's time and passive aggressive.

If she's a reasonable person, she wouldn't take offence at being told no.

Hawkins009 · 25/08/2023 00:11

xsquared · 24/08/2023 23:46

Some of these suggestions to accept and to outrun her to put her off are ridiculous, wasting everyone's time and passive aggressive.

If she's a reasonable person, she wouldn't take offence at being told no.

Some people would take offence,

Saschka · 25/08/2023 00:14

Send her a schedule that includes three 6am weekday runs, ideally with a load of speedwork and/or hills, and a 10K long run starting at 8am on Sunday morning. See how long she sticks with it. I would assume you will maybe see her once.

xsquared · 25/08/2023 00:34

Hawkins009 · 25/08/2023 00:11

Some people would take offence,

Show quote history

Not if she's a reasonable person.

I'm a runner, and I've ran on my own, with those faster than me and slower than me depending on the purpose of the run.

I have asked runners whether they'd join me or vice versa, and not once has anyone expressed offence when either parties have declined. If they're the type that take offence when you say no, then it was the right decision to start with.

CallieQ · 25/08/2023 00:41

YANBU

Hawkins009 · 25/08/2023 00:54

xsquared · 25/08/2023 00:34

Not if she's a reasonable person.

I'm a runner, and I've ran on my own, with those faster than me and slower than me depending on the purpose of the run.

I have asked runners whether they'd join me or vice versa, and not once has anyone expressed offence when either parties have declined. If they're the type that take offence when you say no, then it was the right decision to start with.

Show quote history

That's understandable, but then it depends on how people define "reasonable"

sandyhappypeople · 25/08/2023 00:55

It depends how good of a friend she is to you and you to her.

But I'd explain that you're in a different place to her at the moment, so wouldn't want to make it an every time/regular thing, as you like running to your capacity, but why not offer to meet up a few times (once a week or so) and see how it goes?.. if she doesn't like it, or she feels like she can't keep up with you, she'll soon drop it anyway! So it may well be a self solving problem.

If she really likes it and shows promise then encourage her to join a club and build her fitness and you may be able to run together more often.

There's definitely ways you can give her an inch without letting her take a mile.

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 07:07

EconomyClassRockstar · 24/08/2023 22:36

I will never understand why people on MN are so scared of just being honest. Tell her you like running by yourself and, as much as you like her, she's not welcome. If she gets offended by that, that's her issue. If you are going to a public race, invite her to that.

mumsnet are missing a trick here. They should offer assertiveness training, for a small fee.

But then what would people post about?

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 07:09

Hawkins009 · 24/08/2023 23:40

@LonesomeRanger
Say yes then do military style runs etc

meh. Sometimes, when timing isn't the important thing, a military style run is in a squad at the pace of the slowest runner.

(there is no indication from OP that she would be the better/faster runner anyway)

Original poster
LonesomeRanger · 25/08/2023 07:54

I don't think I'm being precious about my run, rather it is about my time.

I think part of it is also the fact that whilst I am friends with this person, she has in the past shown me that she is quite selfish, and will happily drop me, and has done, for a better offer.

OP posts:
xsquared · 25/08/2023 08:05

LonesomeRanger · 25/08/2023 07:54

I don't think I'm being precious about my run, rather it is about my time.

I think part of it is also the fact that whilst I am friends with this person, she has in the past shown me that she is quite selfish, and will happily drop me, and has done, for a better offer.

Then just tell her "I prefer to go running on my own outside the running club."

What is the worst thst can happen?

If she's genuinely interested in taking up running, then suggest going to the club one evening or parkrun, C25K etc.

misskatamari · 25/08/2023 08:17

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I know it feels uncomfortable to tell her no, but the alternative is saying a yes which you don't mean, and then dealing with the resentment of that going forward. Which will be far more unpleasant. You're not being unreasonable at all to tell her no, and you've had some great ideas of how to go about it on here. You deserve your me time, so please don't say yes to this. Hopefully you're friend will understand.

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 08:20

LonesomeRanger · 25/08/2023 07:54

I don't think I'm being precious about my run, rather it is about my time.

I think part of it is also the fact that whilst I am friends with this person, she has in the past shown me that she is quite selfish, and will happily drop me, and has done, for a better offer.

so are you going to tackle it head-on? and say "i prefer to keep it as it is right now, it suits me like that"

or are you going to dither, then agree, then be resentful?

Poppins2016 · 25/08/2023 08:22

LaraMargot · 24/08/2023 16:23

Just ask her what her 5k pb is, then say "I'm afraid that's a bit too slow to fit my current program."

But then she might aim to improve so that she can run with OP!

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 08:27

i don't know if I'm a bit meh about all these assumptions that the friend is a total novice and can't run - because of my own experience. But there is no indication that this other person isn't a regular park-runner, 5k world champion or whatever.

With me it was a work thing, i asked if i could join the work running club and most said "sure, all comers welcome" and a few were "oh you're ancient are you sure? we're very fast you know"

Turns out that a) they do regular meets for actual training, and the weekly meet is a sort of "fun run" which goes at the pace of the slowest runner which leads to b) i was one of the more experienced runners and the 2nd fastest woman.

But anyway: just say no, OP

xsquared · 25/08/2023 08:29

Poppins2016 · 25/08/2023 08:22

But then she might aim to improve so that she can run with OP!

Show quote history

I'm hoping that wasn't a serious suggestion.

Original poster
LonesomeRanger · 25/08/2023 08:29

I am going to give her the details of the running club C25K that I did, and say I’ll see her there. As for dong it together, I have my own training program, and need to stick to it and can’t add any more in due to work and family.

OP posts:
CloudyMcCloudy · 25/08/2023 08:32

xsquared · 24/08/2023 23:46

Some of these suggestions to accept and to outrun her to put her off are ridiculous, wasting everyone's time and passive aggressive.

If she's a reasonable person, she wouldn't take offence at being told no.

I agree it’s a waste of time to be PA and will likely make friend think badly of themselves than a straight up I prefer to run by myself

I just said I really can’t run with others and then organised to do something else that was social instead. No bad feelings

NevergonnagiveHughup · 25/08/2023 08:35

How about

Yeah, happy to do a run with you every of couple of weeks until you get up to my speed. You should join the running club though if you’re serious. I don’t think I can be your trainer - that needs more of a pro. I’m just doing it for my my own enjoyment/fun/for a break from people (whatever goes in at the end).

Slothslug · 25/08/2023 08:36

If you are running a few times a week could offer to do just one with her. It's actually pretty good for your training to run some runs at a slower pace than you're used to. Plus I've really enjoyed getting some of my non running friends into running. Kind of pay it forward to the people who helped you when you started out? If you genuinely don't like running with other people that's totally fine too though you can definitely say no.

Beesandhoney123 · 25/08/2023 08:39

All replies seem sensible.

I'd stress like mad if I had to run at x time or be chatted to. I'd have to run again alone to de stress :)

rookiemere · 25/08/2023 08:44

It really depends what you want to get from your running.
I've just been out with my friend, I'm much slower than her as evidenced through our respective parkrun times.

To be honest we walked a lot today, but we both have busy lives and although we were a lot more serious when we first started running together in lockdown, now it's a great opportunity to catch up and get some exercise at the same time.

OP doesn't want to run with someone else, so she doesn't have to.

Honee · 25/08/2023 08:48

Have you told her then?