To not want a running buddy?

[LonesomeRanger]

About 6 months ago I joined a running club to learn how to run properly, and get some motivation. I did ask a few friends if they wanted to join me, but they said no.

6 months on, I’m fitter and healthier, and I’ve entered a few events over the next 6 months.

Now one friend has not asked, but said she’ll join me on my runs, and we can be running partners. Except, I don’t need a partner now. I’m 6 months on, and she will pretty much be starting from scratch.

Apparently, she’ll just do what I do and I can share my training plan, that I paid someone to scope out for me.

AIBU to not want a running partner? I think she’ll be upset if I decline.

How to put it across so I don’t fall out with her?

This was my pet hate when I used to run. I just wanted a bit of time to myself to listen to a podcast. I used to say a vague 'oh yeah that would be nice' and nit arrange it, but thst was the cowards way!

I’ve messaged her but not got a reply yet.

Like I said, it’s not just about the run. She’s always late, cancels a fair bit, and a 30- minute run would turn into a 3- hour round trip. One of the reasons I took up running was because I put myself last after everyone else, and now my DC are older, I’m trying to nurture myself, which I badly need.

Having a running buddy feels like I’m doing it for them, when actually I’m trying to reclaim my own health and fitness.

To be fair then she sounds like a bit of a rubbish mate with the being late and cancelling.

My running buddy and I are perfectly suited ( apart from me being slower), we're both punctual early birds. In fact this morning I messaged her as I was 5 minutes late due to a toilet stop.

What are the odds of her actually ever contacting you for a run? I know you've texted her and it was a good text. But saying "let me know when you're going" and leaving it to her to contact you. If you're not up for it then say you're busy but if you are then agree and if she cancel the have your own work out and don't wait for her.

Out of interest you mention you've paid for a training plan. Where is this from please?

I've been looking at online options but I'm not sure they are worth the money.

It IS hard though - for some people - as they don't want to cause offence. Also, some people won't take 'no' for an answer!

I think that's fine.

If she does insist on running with you again and it disrupts your training plan, then you just say "No, that doesn't work for me."

Oh, sorry, but I've realised that I'm a solo runner, but I'm sure there are others in the club who would love to run. We'll meet up for the coffees afterwards!

But all this talk of ‘oh I warm up/down properly’ is just gatekeeping what is a really fun great thing that more people should be doing

I know women who run 20 minute 5ks who would happily run along with a new runner friend without all of the self importance

Well, good for them, but the OP really is not obliged to act as some sort of running evangelist who has a duty to coach and encourage other people at the expense of her own enjoyment. She's not gatekeeping anything; she's just someone who wants to enjoy doing her own run in her own way.

Running is the OP's passion and I don't see why it's 'precious' for her to want to do it in a way that she enjoys it. Why should she give up her time for a run she won't enjoy, just because someone had told her (told her, you notice, not asked her) that she's decided the OP will her running buddy?! Basically, it would be making the OP's runs into a chore for her instead of a thing she loves.

FWIW, I fucking HATE running with other people. The whole pleasure of running for me is about the fact that I do it on my own. My pace, my route, my focus, no responsibility for anyone else, no self-consciousness, no set day or time when I do it. I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick than join a running club or do Parkrun or take part in a race or anything else that makes running into a group activity.

It is perfectly OK to like doing stuff on your own.

so how about you let her, ahem, do all the running? and then whenever she suggests a run on x day, you say (every time) "sorry, doesn't work for me" and then don't suggest alternatives?

it is a cowardly way out but may work better with her? if you want to keep her friendship. So on the surface you've agreed, but you are never ever going to make a running date?

Yanbu, you will essentially not be getting any kind of workout from your runs because if she's just beginning, she will be extremely slow compared to you if you are 6 months on. Great motivator for her, pain in the arse and waste of time for you.

I suggest sending her something along these lines:

"Hi friend, I am afraid that the way that I am currently training isn't really geared up to us meeting to run together. I am currently doing a race training plan, which has specific paces that I need to stick to, etc. I also often have to change the days and times that I run at short notice, so I can't commit to fixed times.

I suggest joining a running club, as they often group people by pace and experience, and you should be able to find someone else to train with who is also just starting out".

I say this. Always!

Although I am tempted to try a running club

Which is why my post made multiple points about if she just wants to run by herself, fine and she just needs to communicate that

however her follow up posts do suggest gatekeeping behaviour because she is ‘6 months ahead’ of her friend and knows the importance of pacing and warming up!

no one is saying she needs to be her friend’s
coach, but when she’s talking about it interfering with her training plan- that’s just silly. A one off coffee and a plod, assuming her friend is a plodder to begin with is really no big deal if you are mates and is not going to impact your running at all

but if she just wants to run by herself- that’s fine! I hate running with my husband and do all my non club runs alone. I get it. She just needs to say that.

Tell her no, that she's a beginner and she'll struggle to keep up. Give her the detail of training plan person and tell her you'll be happy to hook up when she's 6 months in.

Or pick the most punishing route going and put her off.

Personally I'd go with option 1

Just be honest, you don't need a reason, but just say it's because she will be a beginner and you don't want her to over-exert and possibly get an injury.

You say on here that running is your “me time”.

Surely that’s fine to say to her.

You could soften it by giving her details of how to start running, and/or the running club, as has been suggested.

You could also suggest you meet up to do something else, instead, so she understands that it’s just running you want to keep as your own thing - you still want to spend time with her.

I don't understand what's in any way difficult about saying 'ah, my runs are my 'me time', thanks though'.

Not sure why people are advising to ask her run time (when OP doesn't want to run with the friend regardless of her run time), just so she can say 'you're too slow'. Bitchy and unnecessary. You don't need to put people down for no reason. If OP wanted to run with friend, she'd schedule the odd run in with her regardless of how fast/slow she is.

If friend pushes it, just say no again? It's my 'me time', I'm not wanting to run with anyone else now'. Sorted?

She doesn't want a running buddy, she wants a personal trainer.

As others have posted, say 'That doesn't work for me' and give her the details for the running club.

@ManateeFair

FWIW, I fucking HATE running with other people. The whole pleasure of running for me is about the fact that I do it on my own. My pace, my route, my focus, no responsibility for anyone else, no self-consciousness, no set day or time when I do it. I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick than join a running club or do Parkrun or take part in a race or anything else that makes running into a group activity.

Yep same here! I have been asked several times by three or four women in my village/my neighbourhood to join their walking group every Saturday morning. 20-odd women and about 6 men that go 9am till 1pm - then they go to the pub til 4pm. So that's my Saturday gone, every week! Also, they walk between 7 and 9 miles. Frankly, that's too much for me. 3 or 4 miles is enough for me. (As I say, I do this every day so it's a good amount of exercise.) Then I start to get weary and my legs start to ache and my feet start to hurt.

Also, a few of them run 5 or 6 miles at a time as well. (3 or 4 times a week.) So I think some of them are fitter than me and have more stamina than me, even though mine is actually pretty good for my age ... Like you said, I like to go at my pace, I like to pick my own route, I want no responsibility for anyone else, and I have no set time when I do go. This is why I could never become someone's dog walker, as a couple of cheeky f*cker neighbours have requested! My times are not set in stone.

I would also rather poke my eyes out with a stick than join a running club or a walking group or a 'park run' or take part in a race or anything ... Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a free spirit - and I absolutely love being on my own. I enjoy being with other people sometimes ... with my husband, and with my (adult) children, and with one of my 3 close friends. But I do really, really value my time alone, especially when I'm out in the countryside, by the canal, by the river, and in the Woodlands ...

I don't want to be walking with other people... (Not on my fitness walks...)

I bumped into a woman I had never met before, who was with her dog, when I was having a walk through a woodland a few weeks ago. She was OK, but she tagged on to me, and stuck with me for a whole two hours. She kept stopping to take photos, and her dog kept stopping - and she expected me to stop with her (for 20 minutes!) while she had her sandwich and a drink!

It was quite OK for the first 30 or 40 minutes or so, but then she just kept rambling on and on and on about her life. She was divorced (15 years ago!) and childfree, and kept on about her 'travels,' all her weekend jollies with her many many friends, and her allotment, and her sports car, blah blah, blah... When I mentioned my husband and kids she ignored me and changed the subject, which pissed me off. I had to hear her rattling on about her wonderful childfree life and how FREEEE she was not being married anymore, and how it was a massive trap for women... and she loves having the house to herself, and the remote control. 🙄 But she walked off and changed the subject on the 2 or 3 times I mentioned my husband and kids...

To be honest with you, I got bored, and tired, and fed up of having to keep talking to her and keep making conversation. She gave me a number to contact her when I was going to go for a walk there again and wanted my number. She wrote it on a piece of paper, as I actually switched my phone off when she wasn't looking and pretended the battery had gone and I couldn't remember my number ... She was OK, but I don't want to go walking with other people. Especially somebody I don't know, and have nothing in common with...

I edited that post ^ just to add a bit to the second half of the last paragraph.

This. Tell her you’re on an aggressive programme because you’re training for a marathon / something and she’s welcome to come if she can keep up.

then leave her in the dust.

I totally understand you. However, she might be a naturally good runner, have you thought about that? I used to run a lot in the past and don't really now, but even if I just did one run now I'd outrun quite a lot of people who are 6 months into their training. I'm not saying you should run with her, I think you should use of one of the ways to politely decline, but I don't think sending her a "couch to 5 k" Plan is a good idea, she might be offended (I would be!).

I am going to use this from now on. It is really helpful.

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations.

I messaged her to say that it's not going to work for me as I have my own training program and routine, and gave her the link to the club, and said hope to see you there. I don't think she will go.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Like I said, it wasn't just the running. I have done things with her before and come away burned. She once got me to join a hobby group which we had to pay upfront. When I got there, she had renegotiated it as a taster session, and then decided she didn't want to do it, and I was left with 8 sessions to finish off. I wasn't even that interested. I just did it to be sociable.

I often find myself in situations like this, because I am a people pleaser, or a push over. This is one of the first times I think I have ever told someone a flat no!

"moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I am definitely someone who has spent a lot of time in prolonged resentment situations.

Any decent “aggressive” training plan will stress the importance of slow running.

No, just say you've learnt that having a running partner is not what you need now. You would find it too cumbersome.
You are not qualified to be a trainer.
Advise her to join the Running Club.
Tell her your plan is tailored to your running skills and that at the club someone might help with her training plan..