Page 6 | To not want a running buddy?

LonesomeRanger · 2023-08-24T15:20:52+00:00

About 6 months ago I joined a running club to learn how to run properly, and get some motivation. I did ask a few friends if they wanted to join me, but they said no. 6 months on, I’m fitter and healthier, and I’ve entered a few events over the next 6 months. Now one friend has not asked, but said she’ll join me on my runs, and we can be running partners. Except, I don’t need a partner now. I’m 6 months on, and she will pretty much be starting from scratch. Apparently, she’ll just do what I do and I can share my training plan, that I paid someone to scope out for me. AIBU to not want a running partner? I think she’ll be upset if I decline. How to put it across so I don’t fall out with her?

Teateaandmoretea · 26/08/2023 08:49

ifonly4 · 26/08/2023 08:40

Just tell her it's something you like to do on your own, a bit of selfish me time to de-stress. Suggest meeting for coffee, a walk instead.

It would be truly odd to refuse to ever run with her. No I can’t possibly go for a gentle jog with you once a month but a walk’s fine. I mean why? Other than I get the impression the OP doesn’t like her ‘friend’ in which case why would she go for a walk with her anyway?

fruitstick · 26/08/2023 08:51

I used to fend this off with 'you have completely misunderstood the reasons why I run. I enjoy the time alone'

UnRavellingFast · 26/08/2023 08:52

Floppyfrog · 24/08/2023 18:28

"great! See you tomorrow at 3am!"

Haha good answer!

JanieEyre · 26/08/2023 08:57

Richmondgal · 26/08/2023 08:33

Exactly this should not be a big deal

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Given that OP posted that the situation had been resolved well over an hour before this post, it's hardly called for.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 26/08/2023 09:05

I think suggesting she runs an extra run is too much, she already has a weekly programme. Do any of you run? You can;t just whack on another run.

If she wants to run with someone to start she should do what the Op suggested in the first place, join a running club that suits her level. Nobody has to go round supporting their friends sporting endeavours by doing it with them.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 26/08/2023 09:07

Teateaandmoretea · 26/08/2023 08:49

It would be truly odd to refuse to ever run with her. No I can’t possibly go for a gentle jog with you once a month but a walk’s fine. I mean why? Other than I get the impression the OP doesn’t like her ‘friend’ in which case why would she go for a walk with her anyway?

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I never run with my friends, I just don't enjoy it. Its fine. Nobody is obliged to run with anyone else. My friend is a pro marathoner, he doesn't run with my slow ass and simply says: love, you won't keep up. No problem for me.

fluffypinkclouds · 26/08/2023 09:20

Teateaandmoretea · 26/08/2023 08:49

It would be truly odd to refuse to ever run with her. No I can’t possibly go for a gentle jog with you once a month but a walk’s fine. I mean why? Other than I get the impression the OP doesn’t like her ‘friend’ in which case why would she go for a walk with her anyway?

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LOL its not odd at all. I never run with my friends, thats because my daily runs are literally the only time I get to myself. The rest of the day is kids, running a business, a household, talking to clients, caring for family members etc.. If I did not have that daily time to myself, I really think I'd lose the plot. Noone is obliged to run with anyone else. Thats just silly.

GilbertMarkham · 26/08/2023 09:26

You've sent a mixed message by initially looking for company.

Wasn't that 6 months ago?

How obtuse do you have to be to not realise that somebody's who's been running for 6 months is probably way ahead of you, if you yourself haven't been running.

Batalax · 26/08/2023 09:26

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 25/08/2023 15:22

@ManateeFair

FWIW, I fucking HATE running with other people. The whole pleasure of running for me is about the fact that I do it on my own. My pace, my route, my focus, no responsibility for anyone else, no self-consciousness, no set day or time when I do it. I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick than join a running club or do Parkrun or take part in a race or anything else that makes running into a group activity.

Yep same here! I have been asked several times by three or four women in my village/my neighbourhood to join their walking group every Saturday morning. 20-odd women and about 6 men that go 9am till 1pm - then they go to the pub til 4pm. So that's my Saturday gone, every week! Also, they walk between 7 and 9 miles. Frankly, that's too much for me. 3 or 4 miles is enough for me. (As I say, I do this every day so it's a good amount of exercise.) Then I start to get weary and my legs start to ache and my feet start to hurt.

Also, a few of them run 5 or 6 miles at a time as well. (3 or 4 times a week.) So I think some of them are fitter than me and have more stamina than me, even though mine is actually pretty good for my age ... Like you said, I like to go at my pace, I like to pick my own route, I want no responsibility for anyone else, and I have no set time when I do go. This is why I could never become someone's dog walker, as a couple of cheeky f*cker neighbours have requested! My times are not set in stone.

I would also rather poke my eyes out with a stick than join a running club or a walking group or a 'park run' or take part in a race or anything ... Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a free spirit - and I absolutely love being on my own. I enjoy being with other people sometimes ... with my husband, and with my (adult) children, and with one of my 3 close friends. But I do really, really value my time alone, especially when I'm out in the countryside, by the canal, by the river, and in the Woodlands ...

I don't want to be walking with other people... (Not on my fitness walks...)

I bumped into a woman I had never met before, who was with her dog, when I was having a walk through a woodland a few weeks ago. She was OK, but she tagged on to me, and stuck with me for a whole two hours. She kept stopping to take photos, and her dog kept stopping - and she expected me to stop with her (for 20 minutes!) while she had her sandwich and a drink!

It was quite OK for the first 30 or 40 minutes or so, but then she just kept rambling on and on and on about her life. She was divorced (15 years ago!) and childfree, and kept on about her 'travels,' all her weekend jollies with her many many friends, and her allotment, and her sports car, blah blah, blah... When I mentioned my husband and kids she ignored me and changed the subject, which pissed me off. I had to hear her rattling on about her wonderful childfree life and how FREEEE she was not being married anymore, and how it was a massive trap for women... and she loves having the house to herself, and the remote control. 🙄 But she walked off and changed the subject on the 2 or 3 times I mentioned my husband and kids...

To be honest with you, I got bored, and tired, and fed up of having to keep talking to her and keep making conversation. She gave me a number to contact her when I was going to go for a walk there again and wanted my number. She wrote it on a piece of paper, as I actually switched my phone off when she wasn't looking and pretended the battery had gone and I couldn't remember my number ... She was OK, but I don't want to go walking with other people. Especially somebody I don't know, and have nothing in common with...

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pictoosh · 26/08/2023 09:30

I run alone. I have had a couple of 'let's run together' requests to which I said no, I prefer to run alone. I don't mind going on the odd run with a friend as a social thing, I enjoy it...but for the most part it's about me, my run, my location, my pace, my music, my thinking time as well as when I choose to go.
Yanbu.

pictoosh · 26/08/2023 09:31

I'm another who wouldn't want to join a group. Fine if you want company all the time. I don't.

Batalax · 26/08/2023 09:34

Sorry it was the last but of your post fadeaway I was going to comment on about the dog walk. Why on earth didn’t you just say “Got to go. Lovely meeting you”and carry on walking when she stopped?

Teateaandmoretea · 26/08/2023 09:35

fluffypinkclouds · 26/08/2023 09:20

LOL its not odd at all. I never run with my friends, thats because my daily runs are literally the only time I get to myself. The rest of the day is kids, running a business, a household, talking to clients, caring for family members etc.. If I did not have that daily time to myself, I really think I'd lose the plot. Noone is obliged to run with anyone else. Thats just silly.

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No one is obliged to meet up with anyone else either 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Wintersgirl · 26/08/2023 09:37

God no! Tell her it's your time to clear your head and you run listening to music anyway.

CherryCokeFanatic · 26/08/2023 09:51

Sorry YABU. You are going running anyway so it’s no trouble to let your friend run with you if she wants to give it a go. Rather than sending her off to strangers at a running club and telling her to figure it out for herself.

It’s like if you’re on holiday and going to the buffet anyway you may as well get your friend a plate of food rather than telling her to queue up herself?

LollipopChaos · 26/08/2023 09:53

Omg I remember this from my running days. I entered a 5k competition and someone who I didn't know announced we'd run it TOGETHER and we will run those hills TOGETHER... I was so upset, this was my moment.

I now do walking events and get the same with strangers, I am just blunt and ignore them.

Just don't tell your friend when you're running!

stallonesbicep · 26/08/2023 09:57

Of course YANBU! You are allowed to have activities in your life that you prefer to do alone, relaxation time is so important. If she really wants company she can join a running club- I mean, by this rationale, noone would ever do any activity or hobby that their friends didnt also do. I think it would be good for her to join a club and meet new people

Iwantcakeeveryday · 26/08/2023 09:57

CherryCokeFanatic · 26/08/2023 09:51

Sorry YABU. You are going running anyway so it’s no trouble to let your friend run with you if she wants to give it a go. Rather than sending her off to strangers at a running club and telling her to figure it out for herself.

It’s like if you’re on holiday and going to the buffet anyway you may as well get your friend a plate of food rather than telling her to queue up herself?

Do you run yourself? Nobody is obliged to run with anyone else, thats silly. Of course it matters if you're at different levels! It also matters if you simply like running alone.

imnotthatkindofmum · 26/08/2023 09:57

CherryCokeFanatic · 26/08/2023 09:51

Sorry YABU. You are going running anyway so it’s no trouble to let your friend run with you if she wants to give it a go. Rather than sending her off to strangers at a running club and telling her to figure it out for herself.

It’s like if you’re on holiday and going to the buffet anyway you may as well get your friend a plate of food rather than telling her to queue up herself?

It's completely different to breakfast. You're not trying to eat your breakfast in a certain time or training to be better at it while your friend just wants to eat breakfast for fun and to be full.

Running is a hobby/sport. You don't have to share if you don't want to. A running club is the best place for beginners who want to run with others.

xsquared · 26/08/2023 09:58

LonesomeRanger · 26/08/2023 07:05

I am going to use this from now on. It is really helpful.

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations.

I messaged her to say that it's not going to work for me as I have my own training program and routine, and gave her the link to the club, and said hope to see you there. I don't think she will go.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Like I said, it wasn't just the running. I have done things with her before and come away burned. She once got me to join a hobby group which we had to pay upfront. When I got there, she had renegotiated it as a taster session, and then decided she didn't want to do it, and I was left with 8 sessions to finish off. I wasn't even that interested. I just did it to be sociable.

I often find myself in situations like this, because I am a people pleaser, or a push over. This is one of the first times I think I have ever told someone a flat no!

"moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I am definitely someone who has spent a lot of time in prolonged resentment situations.

Well done OP.

I'm glad you didn't go down the route of inviting her and outrunning her deliberately, as some have suggested. That would have been mean and manipulative.

To be fair on her, I think "Okay, that's a shame."is just a standard response to disappointment and there's nothing wrong with that. If she's interested in running, she'll find a way.

Enjoy your training.

Shouldigoforarunorhavepancakes · 26/08/2023 10:09

yogasaurus · 24/08/2023 16:59

‘Thanks but actually running is a mental break for me to stick my earphones in and not talk, sorry’

Perfect.

You do need to brag about how much better you are. There is no need to make her feel bad for starting later than you. She may get fitter or faster than you in no time.

JudgeRudy · 26/08/2023 10:36

I don't understand why you haven't just said that you prefer to run solo and do your own thing.
Remember though that you 'used' people when you first started out, for structure and motivation. Maybe she's not planning on joining you long term, just whilst she starts out. Give her the details for the club though and explain they're there at set times and are geared up to deal with beginners. You prefer to go when/where you fancy.
I can't see why she'd be offended.

JanieEyre · 26/08/2023 11:48

JudgeRudy · 26/08/2023 10:36

I don't understand why you haven't just said that you prefer to run solo and do your own thing.
Remember though that you 'used' people when you first started out, for structure and motivation. Maybe she's not planning on joining you long term, just whilst she starts out. Give her the details for the club though and explain they're there at set times and are geared up to deal with beginners. You prefer to go when/where you fancy.
I can't see why she'd be offended.

I don't understand why you haven't read OP's posts. She reported that she had said more or less that nearly 5 hours ago.

rc22 · 26/08/2023 12:15

I had a friend who really wanted to join me running when I prefer to go alone. I agreed to run with her and it was fine. The main issue I had was time. I prefer to run straight from work. I like to lay running clothes out in the morning, change as soon as I walk through the door and get straight out. Friend would agree to this but then start texting to say she had been held up at work or stuck in traffic and could we go half an hour or hour later than we had arranged.

KirstenBlest · 26/08/2023 12:53

Same as @rc22. Arranged a time, friend postponed twice by half an hour. I was ready to go and bored wait. She then texted to say she was too tired. I would have gone, come back and showered in that time.

It's so often the case when you try to include someone in something you can easily do alone.