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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a running buddy?

163 replies

LonesomeRanger · 24/08/2023 16:20

About 6 months ago I joined a running club to learn how to run properly, and get some motivation. I did ask a few friends if they wanted to join me, but they said no.

6 months on, I’m fitter and healthier, and I’ve entered a few events over the next 6 months.

Now one friend has not asked, but said she’ll join me on my runs, and we can be running partners. Except, I don’t need a partner now. I’m 6 months on, and she will pretty much be starting from scratch.

Apparently, she’ll just do what I do and I can share my training plan, that I paid someone to scope out for me.

AIBU to not want a running partner? I think she’ll be upset if I decline.

How to put it across so I don’t fall out with her?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 26/08/2023 07:16

Just say no sorry it won't work on a regular basis. Could you not offer to go with her say once a month and then have a coffee afterwards. That's what I would do.

Minniliscious · 26/08/2023 07:35

Hell is other people …….

Notamushroomwearer · 26/08/2023 07:36

" I prefer to run alone"

Just that, no long convoluted reasons why it won't work.
I think you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to constantly put others before yourself to the point of discomfort.
Saying you prefer to run alone is honest and it's fine to say that.
Be authentic, you are not the gate keeper for other people's feelings.
"That's a shame"
Just ignore her, that's a wierd manipulative thing to say.

MmeSimone · 26/08/2023 07:36

LonesomeRanger · 26/08/2023 07:05

I am going to use this from now on. It is really helpful.

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations.

I messaged her to say that it's not going to work for me as I have my own training program and routine, and gave her the link to the club, and said hope to see you there. I don't think she will go.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Like I said, it wasn't just the running. I have done things with her before and come away burned. She once got me to join a hobby group which we had to pay upfront. When I got there, she had renegotiated it as a taster session, and then decided she didn't want to do it, and I was left with 8 sessions to finish off. I wasn't even that interested. I just did it to be sociable.

I often find myself in situations like this, because I am a people pleaser, or a push over. This is one of the first times I think I have ever told someone a flat no!

"moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I am definitely someone who has spent a lot of time in prolonged resentment situations.

Good on ya. It shouldn't be a big deal to her, I'm sure she'll get over it, and you protected your "me-time".

Beautiful3 · 26/08/2023 07:39

Just tell her the name of the running club, and how good they are. When she turns up, she'll realise that she can't run with you yet, because your stamina and fittness levels are different right now.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 26/08/2023 08:00

Mumsanetta · 24/08/2023 16:47

“Ah, you’re where I was 6 months ago! Taking up running has done wonders for me and I know you’ll love it! I actually prefer to run alone now, why don’t you join a running club? I’m sure there will be lots of people there at the same level as you and also looking for a running partner”

This seems a perfect answer to me. The pp who suggested letting the friend come along then leaving her for dust is mean. She's a friend, be honest but tactful. No need to make her feel inferior or unwanted.

stayathomer · 26/08/2023 08:00

Have ouy answered her? If she asks just asy oh I was thinking abotu it and I wouldn't be able to run with another person, sorry! That easy. If she's a friend she'll get over it, if she doesn't she doesn't she needs to!!!

Verystressedsenmum · 26/08/2023 08:05

I run alone mainly because I’m a plodder as I call myself . Others that I know that run are much faster and I’d not keep up with them .
people who want to start running often say oh I’ll come on a run with you and I nod and say yes but nothing ever comes of it as they really aren’t that interested. If a new runner wanted to run I’d Say yes for say once a week and suggest they go out on their own and build up a pace .

Missingmyusername · 26/08/2023 08:07

Tell her your training for an ultra marathon😂

Serendipitoushedgehog · 26/08/2023 08:08

Tell her the pace you run at. So, yes no worries, I run at 4:15 per km, hope that’s ok? And explain you won’t be able to go any slower as you’re training. Or just let her run with you once and quit when she realises she can’t keep up.

Pabbit · 26/08/2023 08:08

I never understand why people are so hesitant to say no to people and make it this big stressful thing. If you'd have just said when she first asked sorry its not going to work for me you'd have skipped out all of the mental gymnastics to reach that point, and her text back would have been the same.

Windywuss · 26/08/2023 08:10

@LonesomeRanger a great book for people pleasers is ' the courage to be disliked '. Massively recommend it.

The bit of separation of tasks especially.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 26/08/2023 08:10

LonesomeRanger · 26/08/2023 07:05

I am going to use this from now on. It is really helpful.

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations.

I messaged her to say that it's not going to work for me as I have my own training program and routine, and gave her the link to the club, and said hope to see you there. I don't think she will go.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Like I said, it wasn't just the running. I have done things with her before and come away burned. She once got me to join a hobby group which we had to pay upfront. When I got there, she had renegotiated it as a taster session, and then decided she didn't want to do it, and I was left with 8 sessions to finish off. I wasn't even that interested. I just did it to be sociable.

I often find myself in situations like this, because I am a people pleaser, or a push over. This is one of the first times I think I have ever told someone a flat no!

"moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I am definitely someone who has spent a lot of time in prolonged resentment situations.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Of course, what she means is “that’s a shame FOR ME.”

Teateaandmoretea · 26/08/2023 08:28

Why the drama? Just explain that you’re pretty fast but that you’d love to do the odd gentle recovery run with her as she trains up. Simple.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 26/08/2023 08:29

@blissfu exactly. I run 5k in 19 mins. My friend 28 mins. Doesn't mean I can't run with her now and then.

And I'd never in a million years smoke her or leave her for dust like some are recommending.

I was a beginner once and thankfully I had nice people to encourage me not make me feel like shit about running.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 26/08/2023 08:30

LonesomeRanger · 26/08/2023 07:05

I am going to use this from now on. It is really helpful.

This is one of those "moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations.

I messaged her to say that it's not going to work for me as I have my own training program and routine, and gave her the link to the club, and said hope to see you there. I don't think she will go.

She messaged back, "OK. That's a shame".

Like I said, it wasn't just the running. I have done things with her before and come away burned. She once got me to join a hobby group which we had to pay upfront. When I got there, she had renegotiated it as a taster session, and then decided she didn't want to do it, and I was left with 8 sessions to finish off. I wasn't even that interested. I just did it to be sociable.

I often find myself in situations like this, because I am a people pleaser, or a push over. This is one of the first times I think I have ever told someone a flat no!

"moment of discomfort vs prolonged resentment" situations. I am definitely someone who has spent a lot of time in prolonged resentment situations.

I totally understand and you are not obliged to run with anyone, at all. You do not even need to make excuses or explain other situations she is disappointing. It's very simple. Your running is about you, you're allowed to run alone or in a club and you don't need to take anyone with you. I am so over people feeling entitled to each others time or just entitlement generally. I had a friend who wanted to do a marathon and train with a small group of first time marathoners. They never showed up for training, I think ran with us once and couldn't handle it so walked home at the halfway point but then expected us to run with her for the event we worked towards! She could barely run half of it. the others ran/walked with her and I did the run I had worked for over 8 months. I was not going to walk it for 6 hours!

Richmondgal · 26/08/2023 08:33

Frabbits · 24/08/2023 23:40

Stop fannying about and just say "sorry, I want to run alone".

It's not hard.

Exactly this should not be a big deal

mangochops · 26/08/2023 08:36

LonesomeRanger · 24/08/2023 22:08

So I'll basically do my run and then meet her and do an easy 5k with her after.

I don’t really want to do my workout, then do another one. I work, have kids, dogs to walk and millions of chores to do. My workouts are my me time.

Then tell her that! I cant imagine anything worse than having to run with someone else, personally I like the mental peace I get from running alone listening to music or podcasts. I would never ever run with anyone else for this reason alone. Just say "ah thanks for the offer but I really prefer running alone- it gives me a break to think and reset and its really important to me". Anyone who takes offence at that is not someone you want in your life anyway, its a perfectly reasonable preference and it would be completely unreasonable for anyone to get offended by that.

MrsMorrisey · 26/08/2023 08:38

Just run really fast 😂😂

ifonly4 · 26/08/2023 08:40

Just tell her it's something you like to do on your own, a bit of selfish me time to de-stress. Suggest meeting for coffee, a walk instead.

wowthatsharsh · 26/08/2023 08:41

I'd say something like ...

"Unfortunately I've found that I run best on my own as I can't focus with someone running with me".

daisychain01 · 26/08/2023 08:45

=== scrub this suggestion, just seen your update, hoorah for the Edit function Grin ===

You could have 1 day where you do your run as normal and then do a second shorter run, maybe for 30 mins with your 'new friend' which means if you normally do a 45 min run on your own and then you can do 30 mins at a slower pace, you have a slightly longer running time overall that day but it tops up your mileage and is nice for the novice runner.

CoreopsisEverywhere · 26/08/2023 08:46

ifonly4 · 26/08/2023 08:40

Just tell her it's something you like to do on your own, a bit of selfish me time to de-stress. Suggest meeting for coffee, a walk instead.

This

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/08/2023 08:46

Can you not make time to jog with her once? I doubt she’ll keep it up. Don’t make it in your run night, make it a social thing with your friend . It’s nice to encourage friends. If it’s obvious she’s way too slow then hopefully it will then be obvious to her that it’s not something that can continue.

indyocean · 26/08/2023 08:48

Go on a run with her but be super fast so she can't keep up

No that's a joke but....

Why can't she go with you one time? She's impressed by what you have achieved and needs friendly encouragement to get started. Running alone can be daunting for a woman

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