I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I totally agree about protecting him too much. If I think back to my situation, I think the 'protecting' is actually about avoiding the discussion because once you have the discussion you realise what an utter fuckwit the person you love is and it's so disappointing.

Not read the whole thread. Has anyone said the DH has ADHD yet? And that the OP should get treatment for him ( because he can't get it himself)?

No it doesn't show 'inexperience.' What a ridiculous thing to say. There are some posters on MN who will literally find any reason to have a dig at the OP.

Yes.

I only read up to whole mental load of your op.

Your ISSUE is that you allowed it to happen for 11 yrs. Either accept it or leave DH- there is NO compromise.

I am only 2 years married, but GOD, they have been the hardest of my life and I was prepared to walk away since the day after I got married (things just changed suddenly) and have been in between heavenly bliss and nightmare more than I care to count, HOWEVER, I refuse to accept things which were unilaterally being thrown at me and I am glad I did. Luckily I had my savings and funds enough for 2 years before I married, my family are non-judgemental and my friends would expect me to walk away even the day before marriage. Men will try on all sorts of sh1t if you let them. I stuck with my gun and now, 2 years on, things are back to where the where the day before we got married.

I risked being called a gold-digger etc etc as i refused to contribute a penny to grocery shopping (as soon as I saw, DP was really funding so many other people out of 'promise/ guilt' which he couldn't really afford. So I knew, if I made anything money wise available to him, he would continue 'pretending' it was all in hand.

He finally opened up to his own reckoning after pumping over £100K into his business which his brother was clearly running to the ground without him taking decisive actions etc etc. I later discovered he was also paying off 2 credit cards in amounts of 250 and 400 respectively throughout those 2 years funding a relative's illness 3 years ago- one is finishing in August and the other has a few months to go. I am a high earner in my own rights and have a portfolio of investments worth over £3 mil, so I know how hard it is to make money to just throw it around willy nilly, or be suddenly expected (hints) to go back FT when I already meet all my needs.

I even left travelling for 6 months alone with my family, just so he could get his space and get in touch with his sanity. It really took him realising although I didn't want to leave and I love him, I was not going to nanny his extended family who are no even his kids! I am glad I did and glad I stood up for myself with all I have got.

I'm all for meeting in the middle and potentially agreeing that some things aren't vital, but OP's husband fired the fucking cleaner and then left the house in a cat piss-covered state!

and let's add.... "at a time when I was exhausted and sad because I was dealing with a family bereavement in another country."

You are going to have to go a bit postal @LosingIt23

no way round it. You’ve been trying to protect his male ego and place in the family through guilt probably of what you earn vs what he earns, trying not to emasculate him etc etc

but it’s backfired. He’s got some notion that he’s entitled to make sweeping decisions that adversely affect you.

no. Not on.

time - I’m afraid- to knock him down a peg or 4. No he doesn’t get to fire a cleaner. He’s paying for it because it’s needed and he IS NOT pulling his weight. He’s selfishly trying to save HIS money, and that’s as far as he thought.

how would life look if YOU were as useless as him in terms of multiple diaries?

so draw up a list of things that he needs to do, and yes that includes him getting out of bed to get dc ready for school, doing lunches etc. divide it up and hold him to it

or make sure that if he fails to do it, it only affects him.

i do think you need to be VERY firm in explaining just how at the end of your tether you are and that it won’t go on for longer, he either gets on board or you’re going to have to do some very hard thinking about how the future looks

If he does have ADHD why is it the OP’s responsibility to get him a diagnosis and treatment? ADHD does not equal helpless nor does it preclude him from just being an unkind person who does not pull his weight.

It sounds to me like you need to ask the ‘with him or without him’ question.

Would your life be better with him or without him? (or her - this isn’t male partner specific).

Only you know the answer. I live on my own (and prefer it that way) because the answer has always at some point ended up as being ‘without him’.

Oh, utter tosh. High pressure, high paid jobs are often also highly demanding - this is no surprise to anyone. And it's hardly surprising she's not leaving the house if she's also having to deal with running her entire household when she's not at her desk.

But yeah sure, a few words with her line manager will resolve this entire situation. Problem solved.

For God’s sake, doctors ask him, tell him - and tell him straight. Cleaning is about more than a bit of vacuuming. Remind him he hadn’t cleaned the bathroom for two weeks. No discussion- get the cleaner back.

Why are you checking in on his parents? Leave that to him. Same with their cards and gifts.

If you do his laundry, stop. He can do it.

If you can’t stand to see his stuff chucked on the floor (I can’t), chuck it in his wardrobe. I do- pick up, open wardrobe door and throw in. It’s a point of principle - I will not put his stuff in the laundry basket.

I'm not going to go into everything you've said, but I found myself in a similar position over the last year. Working full time, all the mental load etc etc. I spoke to my partner and found I couldn't really explain the mental load so I sent him this cartoon. Since he read and understood it the changes in him have been incredible. He claims he really didnt realise how much extra I was doing (questionable) however it has really reallly helped us, if he wants to change he will, best of luck
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Don’t ask him - nothing to do with doctors… unless you really lose your temper.

Your whole op sounds very intense and as for you not leaving the house for a week, that is crazy and not healthy. Are you projecting, do you need to look at a career move?

Learn to drive so you don't have to walk 25mins to a post box. Don't sweat the small stuff and dirty washing on the floor or your en suite is the small stuff imo. I do understand it can culminate but learn to shrug things off a bit.

Marriage is about taking the rough with the smooth if you want to stay together. You say you get on well and the dc adores him, they are 2 very important points to focus on rather than socks on the bathroom floor.

Yes he needs to pull his weight more but it doesn't sound as catastrophic as you make out.

Quite.

I don't think it her responsibility. I think it is his. I would only suggest that she should suggest the possibility to him.

Yes I said that I am a man in an earlier post. But I do not see why that is relevant?

Sometimes you just have to loose it big style. Tell him he either re instates the cleaner ( if she wants to come back) or he does everything the cleaner used to do to the standard she cleaned to and it has to be done every single week without fail. Tell him you will writ a list of things he has to do that week and post it on the fridge, if he fails he is letting his child down. Draw up a rota for the mornings where both of you have chores to do. Tell him all of the above is non negotiable, if he can't cope with his share tell him you will have to give up work and you will have to downsize. That will get his arse into gear.

Why on earth would ANYONE enslave themselves the way you do- it doesn't seem to be the case he ASKS you to do all that. Why not get more help and pay for it yourself even if it means less fun money for DH -which you give to him as a handout via you contributing more to expenses already? That's what I would do.

Demand cleaner is back or again, you pay the cleaner and reduce available family money- he is taking a mickey now.

When, I was struggling with the sudden change, I relied on my boundaries. When Dh suddenly wanted some cooked meals when he gets from work- I WFH and he is home by 3:30pm and starts at 8;20 but leaves the house at 10/11, I had my 'no bullsh1t antennae on full setting' by then, as I decided to put my health first. I told Dh, I was happy to employ someone to cook his meals 2/3 times a day and I will pay them. Ironing- I don't iron- I also simply said I would send it away and he pays them- they charge £29/ £39/ £45 each time for the whole load, so I was lucky I didn't waste half a day of my life taking on his ironing. It (ironing) still works and allows us free time together at the weekend. Cook, he declined and he mostly eat fresh salad anyway which he prefers preparing himself, he was just wanted to take a mickey- clearly!

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I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

2/3 times a week! where is the EDIT button???!!