I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

If it helps - I am a c-level executive. And I indeed have a very intense job. And when I don't work - I have responsibilities around the house as I outlined which yes - mean that I get to 'stray away' from the house way less than healthy.

As I said up thread - yes, I took a day off today. I try not to work weekends but spend time with DC.

He's the one who pays the cleaner. He obviously would rather the OP did the cleaning and he had more money.

I’m in same boat. Wrote a to do list. 26 items, personal not work, showed him list, made him take over some. Will continue doing this.

Don't be checking up on HIS parents.
Either he does it or it doesn't get done.
Don't be organising his health appointments, he can do this himself.
Stop mothering him and let him fail if he wants to.

This. He's a freeloading c*nt and I'd roast him alive. I can't believe you moved to suit him.

This is why after raising kids many women choose to be single. Without a child in the nest, you will grow to resent him and think "why bother?". That's where its heading. Another 10 years of giving him a pass for coasting through and you'll realise he is taking more than he gives and you dont need him for wraparound care.

I really feel for you OP because I suspect we are quite similar, and driven by perfectionism. Which is fine when it’s working, but can be absolutely exhausting, particularly because you’re trying to look after everyone else too. It’s also really hard when other people don’t have the same standards, so your DH may be taking the view that as long as things are “good enough”, that’s ok.

There are some things which I’ve now handed over to DH, where I absolutely don’t get involved- and yes, some things get dropped, but they’re not my job.

This is quite hard won detachment, and there are lots of areas in my life where it doesn’t work. But just a slightly different perspective

I think you should have counselling for yourself because you are putting up with behaviour you wouldn't put up with at work, and counselling for both of you together - I would tell him that's so that you can decide whether you stay with him. He needs to know what's at stake.

I'd definitely have a week away with your child, visiting your parents. Again, he should be told you are reconsidering your relationship. He should be under no illusion that you'll come back unless the house is spotless.

Cancelling the cleaner is not on. He has to get that sorted - whether that means grovelling or whatever, it's up to him - I would refuse to return home until she's reinstated.

Could you order meals from Cook so that you don't have to cook every day?

Don't try to do too much with your child outside the home - all they want is to be with you. There's no need to go overboard with that.

It was either responding to your post, or cleaning cat piss. Do you think I made the wrong decision?

Joking aside, seems like you're running out of ideas on where to poke, so I'd suggest dropping it at this point. No harm done.

DH has proved that he isn't going to clean the house. Therefore it's on him to arrange for a cleaner to do it.
Thank him for trying to make things better and the way he can do that most effectively is to engage new cleaners, arrange payment for them from the joint account _and to ensure that they clean properly. If not it's his job to address this and sort it out. Not yours.

At the very minimum I would stop calling his parents and stop reminding him of his engagements.

It can get depressing, that is true - which is why I am trying to fight myself and my situation atm. I appreciate we misunderstood each other!

Usually family activities focused on DC. Some chores etc. I guess like most families with small DC.

Oh, OP. I can totally relate to the feeling that if you could just get someone else to behave totally differently all would be well. (And we are in similar situations albeit my DH does not work - we still have a ft nanny and cleaner tho - but I have an intense c suite job which I CRAM in to working hours so I can be a mother outside of it.)

my only advice to you is to raise merry hell
NOW. A PP mentioned feeling resentment because the kids are only young once - that’s where I am. After my DH and I going to the absolute brink, he realised I was serious about leaving him and has (sort of) started to step up - but at this point I am completely numb and am now contemplating whether I am past the point of no return in terms of getting loving feelings back for him. I remember posting on mn a few years ago under a diff name and saying that I did love DH and being asked WHY, HOW CAN YOU, WHY HASNT YOUR FANNY SEALED SHUT by other posters and thinking they didn’t quite understand - but here I am now, the love just chips away. Really recommend you don’t end up here, it’s miserable and you really feel like there is no good choice from this point in.

god speed - sending all good wishes and strength to you

Good luck tonight OP. Don't be fobbed off with, "I'll do better". You need concrete plans and strategies he's going to put in place, starting with rehiring the cleaner, or finding a new one.

This sounds exhausting + infuriating + unmaintainable - And definitely has to change. But…. Good chemistry, you trust him with DC, you find him charming, have good sex and have ‘a hell of a history’ - flying in the face of most people here - this seems entirely worth putting big time effort into working out.

GET YO’SELVES to therapy! Assume you in the states? A good couples therapist will give you space to air your feelings + regular check ins will help you both to keep accountable for the things you are trying to change. Some of it will be redefining expectations, some of it will be him actually looking at what it is you do. A good therapist won’t let him slack off with ‘I’m not good at that stuff’ - none of us were good at tying our shoelaces before we practiced.

A lot of people saying ‘he won’t change’ - but I think that if people want to, and the work at it, they do + can + will.

Maybe you can market it to him as a way to future proof your relationship, to try and avoid your burnout. Or maybe he’ll be super open to it - but it seems 100% worth a try.