I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I'm angry on your behalf

Firing the cleaner FFS! poor cleaner too!

You mention you can't face having a cleaner without doing a clean first - please spare yourself that. It will exhaust you, you must be dropping already. Get someone in to do a deep clean and then go forward with your regular clean.

I doubt he will want 50/50 on the DC. I think you don't have to worry about that. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

It's so depressing when seemingly bright, successful and caring women accept such bottom of the barrel mediocre men.

His not doing things, not getting organised is his choice. He's choosing not to value you, your time and wellbeing. He needs to do better or you should leave him. You'll have a better life.

@LosingIt23 this is your life now. He won't suddenly realise how good he has it and change so unless you learn to live with it then you need to consider other options.

Have you made him fix his mistakes? Don't rebook the vet - make him do it. Don't clean up - he has to do that. Force him to do the things he should be doing and when he pushes back at you for nagging, then ask him outright what the point of him being there is because he isn't doing 50/50.

Honestly though the rot has set in. You are becoming more frustrated leading to resentment. You will pull back emotionally which he will take as a green light to do the same. You'll end up disliking each other living sep lives and your poor child will watch all of this and think this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

You're heading for burn out anyway and even then the loser you married won't step up. Your power and strength are not supported - they are resented.

He is fully capable of doing what you want but chooses not to. He isn't stupid.

It is a choice every day to step back and let you take the load. That is how much he loves and respects you.

The question is, do you feel this is what you deserve? Why? Why can't you have support and equality?

Pull right back on everything. He had to do it now. If he doesn't, let him deal with the aftermath.

Otherwise you are alone anyway and should just get rid of the tosser.

You really, really need to get out of the mindset that he doesn't do this deliberately or it isn't personal. It is very personal and deliberate. It's hurtful, unloving and just plain mean.

You had a bereavement, you were utterly exhausted and he just didn't bother cleaning the house. That's cruel. It's genuinely, horribly nasty.

Years ago, my DH was very much like yours - totally self-centred and couldn't give a fuck about me. I reached a breaking point and just decided I'd had enough. I didn't beg or explain or cry, I just told him my life would be easier without him and I wanted him gone.

The hilarious thing about it (looking back, it was hideous at the time) was that he went on and on about how much he loved me and how he'd do anything for me so I kept repeating 'great, then clean the bathroom,' and he just wouldn't! He would do anything (for love) but he wouldn't do that (god the bitter laughter.) In a way it was really useful for illustrating the fact that all his declarations about how he adored me were just horseshit - he didn't want the hassle of pulling his weight and he was happier to see me suffer than to get down and scrub a floor.

The eventual turning point was when he went for counselling. I don't know if that woman was witch or what but she turned him around completely.

Now, if I were in the situation you were in with the bereavement etc, I'd come home to a spotless house, food cooked, kitten neutered, everything perfect. He'd put me to bed, give me tea, make me take time off work and look after literally everything until he was sure I felt better. I would, of course, do exactly the same for him. That's what love looks like. You deserve to have it.

Weaponised incompetent

This. MN is full of seemingly successful women putting up with this shit. I'd sack the useless twat and get a nanny and housekeeper. As long as you keep "parenting" him, nothing will change.

I love @Mumsanetta’s post. The control/do it my way/it has to be done! thing is examined in Fair Play, OP, but also in Fed Up by Gemma Hartley.

I think in the meantime of trying to sort things out with your DH ahead of the nuclear option, you should also just not do some things. Someone mentioned calling both sets of parents every day – like, why? Ditto the socialising for DC, who’s only three, and has plenty of time and development ahead. Some things have to be done - the kitten spaying. Some things can be done to a lower standard – not every day has to be healthy home-cooked meal day; fish fingers, chips and peas is a balanced dinner, especially when DC hit their five a day in nursery. And some things don’t have to be done at all – depending on your values/standards.

Very similar to my home environment, I’m the main breadwinner, my DH is selectively incompetent and I take the weight of it all. But things have improved, massively, after coming to a head last spring.

This does boil down to respect - he doesn’t respect your preferences over tidiness, and in turn he is disrespecting your needs and opinions.

This article made a huge difference - I made him read it and told him we would be going the same way (divorce) if he didn’t properly digest what was being said here. Now he does try. And I have to say my respect in him has increased too. Sorry it’s a DM link it was published in several places but this was the first one that came up in the searches. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10645457/amp/My-wife-divorced-leaving-dirty-glasses-sink-right.html

But you can’t trust him! He can’t do simple things even when you remind him multiple times.

You’re honestly doing yourself no favours making excuses for him. You said on another post that you used to think that his level of uselessness is normal and that you’re the exceptionally organised one. I assure you that this is not the case. Bear in mind also that he holds down a job that as you say he values. He can’t possibly be as scatty as this at work, “forgetting” to do things so that his co-workers have to pick up the pieces. The difference is that you’re his wife. He can do it at home, because he has a wife to step in and clear up the mess he made.

I know you don’t think he’s doing these things to undermine you. But I’m as sure as I can be that he is undermining and demeaning you unconsciously if he isn’t doing it deliberately.

I am a male with ADHD who got diagnosed and medicated in his late 30s, prior to which I experienced a lot of the issues that you are frustrated with.

This bit really resonates: ‘I would always choose my feelings and preferences over hers. That she was married to someone who did not respect or appreciate her.
That while she rarely made a decision without thinking about how it might affect me or our son, I barely ever considered how my actions affected her. That not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher was more important to me than she was’

So many men claim to be supportive of their higher earning wives but underneath the surface they are resentful, so they pull stunts like this to undermine and punish them.

Yes, precisely. He fired the cleaner because he can do that, and then he didn't so you have to. Very slickly accomplished. Looks like incompetence. Smells like sabotage.

He may not even realise he's doing it (being charitable). But you need to know what you're really dealing with, so that you can respond appropriately. Focusing on organising him - or working around him - is not the solution here. You have to drill down into the resentment.

I know this is meant kindly but the whole 'lower your standards' schtick really annoys me. Basically it says that the OP must live in a situation she doesn't like or want because her husband is a lazy fuckwit.

I'm all for meeting in the middle and potentially agreeing that some things aren't vital, but OP's husband fired the fucking cleaner and then left the house in a cat piss-covered state! Her standards aren't too high - he's a moron!

Would he read a book. The fair play book is a very helpful way of understanding the burden. I think that the reality is that things being shared more equitably would benefit both of you and make you both happier. Like you've said earning less doesn't mean less work but all time is created equal. You are up before him doing domestic labour. You are making calls on your lunchbreak (doing domestic labour) etc. The reality is if you weren't doing that work he would also need to pay for that.

Your child (whether male/ female) is learning about how they should interact within a relationship. Oh women do the cooking, oh women are responsible for x. If you have a daughter she may fall into similar patterns and if you have a son then he may expect a future wife to act similarly to you.

It is absolute nonsense that he's not very good at things. That is a form of weaponised incompetance (i.e. i'll do that badly a few times and then no one will ask me to do it again). What would happen if something were to happen to you? He'd have absolutely no choice but to step up.

@LosingIt23 did you take your DC with you when you went home or did DH look after them? If DH looked after them then he managed to get them up etc and get himself to work - why can’t he do that 3 days a week giving you 3 mornings to get up and showered.

This has been a rude awakening, just when you really needed DH to step up he has done the opposite, sabotaging your clean home by firing the cleaner and missing the vets appointment leaving you to literally clean up the shit.

I agree with a lot of posters you need to make changes and either he steps up consistently or you have to consider the long term.

Get the cleaner back, hang the embarrassment, say you need a deep clean and then going forward. Tell DH it’s non-negotiable as he had the opportunity to do it and chose not to.

Also instigate a fairer share of mornings i.e. he does the getting up, breakfast etc at least 2 weekdays and one day at the weekend.

Appointments - if he can’t handle 2 calendars then simply send appointments to his work calendar. Unless his employer has a strict policy preventing this most work calendars enable you to put private appointments in. Yes you are parenting him but he can’t use the excuse it’s not in his calendar.

Couples therapy is a good call and I would also suggest individual counselling for you.

Like a lot of women you are amazing and cope with a lot but you then hit the wall due to complete overload. You either take this as a warning and make changes or find you keep getting to breaking point and one day you may find you can’t recover and part of who you were has been irrevocably lost. You have a chance now to change your future, take it.

Quite simply you lack imagination if you think a job as intense as that reflects inexperience. My job is at times just as intense but I am lucky in that i have a DH who will quite literally feed me to make sure I’m eating and force me to at least stand outside in the garden for 10 minutes to get some fresh air. During those periods he also manages to pick up all childcare, food prep and cleaning to allow me to just get on with a job I love, pays for our very nice lifestyle and allows him to follow his interests.

What a dick. Make sure you don’t do anything at all for him. Nothing whatsoever. When he has no clean clothes, dinner, or plates to eat off he will learn.

@BallaiLuimni Oh, no – I didn’t mean live to the DH’s standards, which are a filth pit. But I do think cooking from scratch daily is hard to achieve even when both partners are on board with an equitable split of labour, and I don’t think anyone has to have “call in-laws” on their daily to-do list, let alone when they’re heading to burnout. It’s why I like the Fair Play system because it starts with 100 tasks but acknowledges no couple can manage all 100: you have to whittle them down and accept that some stuff doesn’t get done.

If it makes sense- I don't think it is personal, aimed at me - I think that is who he is... I just am not sure how I can continue like this if he doesn't accept that he need to make an effort and adjust who he is a bit to who I am.

@LosingIt23 Yup. Makes sense to me.. Only you can decide what to do, for the best, for you and your DC. Would a couple of suggestions made by PPs help? One was a whiteboard with chores written on it? The other was by @Heronwatcher who has given him specific things to do that he can manage?

Putting down how you feel in a letter sounds like a good idea too?

It's so difficult for you and I do understand exactly where you are coming from.

I very much agree with you and do not think the OP should lower her standards at all! What I am saying is that it should be her DH scrubbing the cat piss, not her. She needs to rehire the cleaner with an honest explanation and apology for what happened and let her DH wallow in his own embarrassment every time she turns up to clean. OP protects her DH too much and needs to stop and I think she does this in part to protect his fragile, male ego. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear in my post.

It is at least possible that he has ADHD and/or ASD traits. Or maybe not and even if so, he might still be selfish on top of that, sure. However, some posters are so mean spirited and bitter - seriously if the OP doesn't think he is doing intentionally but becomes easily overwhelmed, it is unreasonable to tell her that she is wrong.

Totally hear you.

Let me guess - you're a man.

OP has thanked MNers for helping her find her anger., so she disagrees with you.