I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

Can you agree an allocation of 100% responsibilities for stuff, then leave him to it?

me and DH both work full-time also, and I am a much higher earner. However, we share responsibilities:

him: bins, clothes washing (I know!), house and car insurances, tv licence, garden, bike punctures, dishwasher unloading, most kids lunches etc….

me: cooking, health insurance, credit cards, banks, medical appts, all kids stuff (uniforms, clothes, schoolbooks, play dates, knowing and paying for all sports activities)

We share the food shopping, me the big shop, him the bits and bobs.

I don’t worry or think about about DH stuff as I don’t consider it my responsibility AT ALL.

And get the cleaner back. That’s just mad.

Can you afford to pay for the cleaner out of your finances? if so re-hire asap and say your paying for it and its non-negotiable - this would stress me out the most!

Does he know you're fast approaching the line you can't step back from?

Just throwing it out there that DP suspected he had ADHD, pursued a diagnosis with ruthless dedication, got his meds, got his meds adjusted, put his meds reminders in his phone, recognises when he’s missed a dose in the chaos of small children and that’s why he’s being an agent of chaos, sorts it out, and puts all the things in place he needs to manage his share of chores – whether that’s a whiteboard, phone reminders, an electronic to-do list. It’s a diagnosis, not a get-out clause. Like OP’s DH saying he’s bad at those things: OK, so find the tasks you excel at and take those over, don’t fire the cleaner, and take on some tasks even if you’re not great at them, because I doubt the OP is magically 100% brilliant at everything. She just does the stuff anyway because someone has to.

I would tell him you are paying for the Cleaner again(he can pay for something else.)Do not take excuses or spend WE cleaning up! He is picking out all the good bits of parenting ATM .Phone Cleaner and apologise profusely to her.Tell him non negoitable .He sounds like he needs "licking into shape" before LTB territory!

Also agree with this - give him 100% responsibility for certain things and never ever think about them.

You need to divide the mental load up. Each taking responsibility for certain areas. That way there's accountability.

Then keep assessing and discussing how things are going. Patience is also needed. Hopefully things will start moving in the right direction and get easier. Be a team but do so with a realistic plan. Tell him how you feel and work one out between you.

@LosingIt23
If you are dead set on living your life with him, I'd say get the cleaner back and get yourself a personal assistant to deal with day-to-day tasks/appointments/mundane life stuff that he's so bad with. That's the only way, in my eyes, because he's not going to change.
And learn to drive.

I see I've pretty much said the same thing (in a less useful way!) as a pp...

For me, I came to realise that he just isn't able to think about these things. Left to his own devices, they just wouldn't happen. He's not lazy in that sense, just doesn't think about it, because it doesn't really bother him.

I think this is a good point to take on board. If one of you disappeared off the face of the earth, the other would run their life & home very differently. It doesn't mean either of you is wrong. And you don't need to agree on every decision. You want a cleaner - just rehire as you've providing the money and you'll be at home when it happens, not him. And offload any responsibilities you don't want to an assistant. You obviously earn good money. Enjoy your life, OP.

I feel for you. It sounds intolerable. But it also sounds as if you like being in control and so may be well suited. The flip side of him being laid back is that he forgets stuff and doesn't pull his weight. Really not ideal. I think in your shoes I would probably sit him down, explain that you need more support, his lack of it demonstrates to you that he doesn't care about you, this really is make or break for your relationship, and despite all prior conversations his behaviour has not changed. And that the solution seems to be a cleaner and PA, and you want him to pay for it (the cleaner at least).

I would also recommend not making any major decisions for 6 months or so after a bereavement. I really wish you all the best.

OP-Why are you baby-sitting a grown up man? And how can sex be good with someone who doesn't pull his weight in the household? You must be constantly mentally and physically exhausted.

Two flights later I was on my knees scrubbing toilets and cat piss in the hallway.

OP, what you have to realise is that your dh put you on your knees scrubbing cat piss. Who does that to someone who has been away organising a funeral and dealing with her grief? I wouldn't treat a dog that way. There is no way not to take this personally. He may say "well I am not trying to hurt my wife" - that means nothing. He happily goes on his way knowing that you have to scrub cat piss. I just can't fathom someone who is supposed to love you treating you like this.

I am not saying your marriage is doomed but for me it isn't so much the workload - you can to some extent offload some of that as long as you stop pussyfooting around his arsiness and bloody hire whoever you want to do the jobs you'll end up with if you don't - but it is the lack of care and concern for you that really bothers me. Why would he want his wife to be crying with exhaustion and anxiety? Why wouldn't he want to make your life easier. I am married a long time - ups and downs of course - but we both have spent the entire marriage trying to help and support the other one.

In addition to your husband being a disaster area - which I just could not put up with. Do you think he cares about you and how you are feeling because it doesn't come across that he does? He needs to step up big time and not be allowed to get away with being this incompetent when it impacts so negatively on you. You don't deserve this.

But also your post makes me wonder why you are working so hard that you hardly leave the house for a week, and it's completely full on (this seems separate to the issue with him but maybe I'm misunderstanding. In in another post you talk about what you earn etc. not being that important, you talk as if you'd be happy with less so why are you pushing so hard all the time? What about your quality of life doing the job you do in the way you are doing it (with or without him being no help). Is there another issue here too? Could you reduce your hours if the amount you earning is so high, not so that you do more practical shit, but just to improve your quality of life doing nice things, getting out more with your child, getting exercise/relaxing, meeting friends. What's driving the relentless work if it's not because it's important to you to have money/stuff?

Reading your daily routine sounds relentless and frantic. How are you going to feel when you look back at these days of your life? Is it just him who is causing stress in your life (which he clearly is). Is it worth taking a step back and re-evaluating your priorities too?

He really has trained you well and I’m glad you’re finding your anger.

Upthread you said you didn’t care about giving money to your dh in the event of a divorce in the distant future. Your future 50 / 60 year old self will not thank you for this belief.

I know someone, who was the main breadwinner with a spouse, who refused to work and also didn’t look after their house / shared child well and palmed them off whenever possible to family. The couple are now divorcing and the stbx sahp refused to look after their shared child for months after the split and not having worked for 20 years wants enough money for the rest of their life. Their only child has just left primary school so the refusal to work dated prior to the child coming along. The working parent is burnt out, has heart problems and recently had major heart surgery and currently isn’t working. The working parent will now have to go back to work to earn more money, especially as the spouse also expects spousal maintenance and is prepared to go to court.

What did he do before you married?

Did he manage to shop, eat, do his laundry?

You don’t sound like you value anything he does. I wonder how he feels about it all?

You say it wouldn’t make any difference if he worked or not. That must make him feel very unappreciated. It’s patronising.

Your attitude is not very nice op.

He sounds like a good Dad. Try focusing on the good things, and talk the other stuff through in a calm way.

I do struggle with some thing's listed on MN as 'mental load'. Surely the TV license is just on direct debit? Car insurance takes about an hour a year and that's only if you are unhappy with your renewal quote and have to shop around. How often is there a bike puncture? Again 20 mins to fix, hardly onerous. Credit cards are on direct debit minimum payment and if you want to pay more one month it takes 5 mins on the sofa on your phone app.

I get things like shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, lids lunches etc as they are genuine tike consuming tasks.

He sounds like a good Dad. Try focusing on the good things, and talk the other stuff through in a calm way.

Yeah and in the meantime get back on your knees as there is some cat piss you missed - you couldn't expect a good dad to clean that up could you?

Terrible situation OP. Having read all your answers, I can't see where he gives you any emotional support, at the very least, when you have had to do all this? What did he say when you came home and had to clean all the mess he had left?

@DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish I think that "mental load" is often just used as a useful catch phrase to describe the endless number of small things that inevitably land on the woman's shoulders. Som elf them are "mental" in that they're thinking about what the child needs next week/next month etc and some are practical but it's that never-ending sweep of being in control of it all.

There is no doubt that my life is better since I no longer feel that I am responsible for it all. Some of the things I've dropped are vey minor and take very little time, (booking dental appointments) and some are more significant (washing). But just having them out of my head, whether big or small, has been life changing.

Re-hire the cleaner and tell him this is non-negotiable. You’re worrying too much about undermining him, when he is undermining you quite happily.

If you really are embarrassed to get a regular cleaner in, get a cleaning company in to do a one-off deep clean, then hire your cleaner back.

This isn’t the first MN thread like this, where the husband says he’ll pull his weight around the house and doesn’t, claims he does an equal share of the childcare and doesn’t, etc. Your husband says he can do the cleaning himself but he doesn’t do it, so you have to. This is a familiar story and the common theme is that the wife earns much more than the husband. So many men claim to be supportive of their higher earning wives but underneath the surface they are resentful, so they pull stunts like this to undermine and punish them.

I earn much more than dh (though I’m not a very high earner, he’s in a very low paid job). He doesn’t do anything like what yours does, but he does sometimes get weird about me spending even very modest amounts on some things. I set up an arrangement for regular window cleaning, and on their second visit dh went out and told them not to come again. He was annoyed at me because I hadn’t discussed it with him (I had actually told him about it, he had forgotten). This was just a few quid each time! There’s no way in hell he was going to do it himself as he claimed. So I just arrange one-off cleans when it needs doing, pay the window cleaner online and he can’t do anything about it.

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house

Everything else aside, how can you live like this?
No fresh air, no exercise, no seeing friends, no outside hobbies.

I am so sorry for your bereavement and hope you are able to find the time and space to process it and grieve.

Not a week goes by on MN without a wife posting similar complaints about their DH. But I think your post is different. I want to first wrap you up in bubble wrap and, once I know you’re safe, tell you that your current circumstances are the result of your behaviour and your DH’s behaviour in equal parts. Your need for control is shouting through your explanations as to why you can’t let your DH fail and suffer the consequences of his own inaction. It sounds like he has never felt the pain of failure as you are always there to pick up the pieces in a way that does not even hint at a suggestion that you might be undermining him.

I may be way off the mark but I also get the impression that you are so careful about not undermining him because there is already pre-existing tension around the fact that you earn so much more than he does and you are worried about making this worse. If I was a betting woman, I would wager that he is deliberately incompetent and doesn’t pull his weight as a punishment to you for earning more than he does and having a job that is more challenging than his. I really think you need marriage counselling. If he is not willing to try it, you should consider counselling yourself to help you understand how your own behaviour - putting his needs above yours, control issues - is contributing to your situation. This is not to say that it is your fault that your DH behaves this way, it’s more to say that I think you also need to change your own behaviour as well.

So many men claim to be supportive of their higher earning wives but underneath the surface they are resentful, so they pull stunts like this to undermine and punish them.

Exactly this.