I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

i don’t have advice about the husband. But I was the child with the mum that non stop worked and chased the money, and constantly stressed about the work load at home, it’s wasn’t nice at all, and we have a strained relationship. Your saying you don’t leave the house for a week, are you not doing anything as a family or taking your child out at the weekends or anything? Husband does sound useless but I’m feeling really sorry for your child being in the middle of this. Mum always working and always stressed, dad always doing the wrong thing and being scalded. Honestly sounds like my childhood and it was awful. Maybe it isn’t as it comes across but I would have loved my mum to be more present. I

This sounds awful OP, I really don’t know what advice you could be given as it seems most men are like this and leave all these things to the woman to do. In my case I don’t mind as DH cooks, gardens, shops etc so I feel he does his fair share. Whenever I do ask him to make appointments he forgets though, and I up having to ask repeatedly, or nag as he would say.

Op your dh is lazy. Sadly the majority of men with young dcs are. Strange how gay men have immaculate homes in my experience. Could it be because they can’t palm the grunt work off to a woman?
I would hire the cleaner again and maybe ask her to do more hours. I would also pay people to do as much as possible for you such as a gardener, ironer etc.
I would have a conversation with dh explaining what needs doing. Everything from fils birthday meal needs booking and a present buying to dcs need new school shoes. Show him this list. Say it needs to be 50/50 or even 60/40 on him if he works less hours.
Divide up the tasks.
Do not do his tasks. Make sure his tasks affect him. So he is responsible for booking fils meal and buying his present and so on.
There needs to be a consequence for his laziness.
So the consequence of him not buying his own father a present is that he gets embarrassed and his relationship with his father takes the hit. I hope that makes sense.

@LosingIt23 I hope you had a productive conversation with your husband and have agreed how to move forward.
You have had some really useful advice and I do hope you have a happy outcome. Going through grief and stress is hard enough without having to pick up another adults mental load and having no support.

Ugh he sounds awful.

I’m amazed that you have a good sex life. I’d find him so annoying that our sex life would be nonexistent I imagine.

Tbh it doesn’t really sound like you love him?? Like, you’re only staying together for DC’s sake. Personally I think you’d be happier if you divorced.

For starters I’d give him another bill to pay… one you know he won’t cancel as it benefits him…. Like the wifi, or the netflix etc.. make it more than or equal to the cost of the cleaner… then rehire the cleaner and you pay her.
I’d also tell him you’re his wife and not his mother and won’t be cleaning up after him, lay some boundaries and tell him you won’t wash anything that isn’t placed in the wash basket…. Don’t pick up after him… he’ll soon do it when he runs out of underwear!! Stop mothering him in general! Tell him to grow up.

sorry for you recent bereavement x

You need to have the ultimatum conversation, otherwise he’ll just play nice for a few days then go back to his easy life with nothing to lose.
Go away for a week, tell him it’s because you organise everything and do everything and you want to see what it’s like to be on your own if it’s easier as less to do and you can’t live like this any more.

I work from home mostly and my husband doesn't. For a while I was doing 90% of the childcare, cooking and cleaning and finally told him that my life would be easier as a single mom and that it shouldn't be that way. He got his butt in gear a bit after that.

My husband is like this although he is the big earner and owns a factory so I have to let it slide as I’m a SAHM for now. I’m considering going back to work and know it’ll be like having two jobs. When he watches our daughter so I can get the tea done he never changes her nappy and will happily let her play with s* all over her bum. He took her out in the car for an hour and gave her a chocolate ice cream to eat in her car seat which is permanently stained now. He leaves socks and filthy clothes everywhere, never clears his plate and wouldn’t let me get a dishwasher as ‘he’ll do it’ (done them a handful of times).

i stay for my kids- like you, I want my dc to have the best in life and couldn’t maintain our lifestyle spilt up. I still love him but no longer like him, which is sad.

my only advice would be to focus on yourself and your child and pay for a cleaner and other services. I’m outsourcing a lot of stuff that I can’t do because I have a sellotape baby- window washing, grass cutting, decorating etc. he doesn’t like it but he never does these things so I go over his head. You have way more earning power than me so I say do it and let him moan. Your mental health is going to suffer otherwise.

I feel for you. I know many commenters are saying they can’t believe women put up with lazy men - to be honest most of the men I know are lazy and I left the dad of my kids because I spent years screaming silently in frustration and compete rage.

Tell him without a cleaner or support from him you have no alternative but to give up work and it is now down to him to be the sole breadwinner. If that doesn't shock him into action kick him out. One thing for sure things aren't going to change if you don't lose it with him. Stop doing his washing, tell him you don't have time and he can be responsible for his own appointments. I am so angry with him. He shows you absolutely no respect.

I kicked mine out. Told him I may as well do it on my own but without him under me feet all the time. Apparently ho can't live without me and we now share all responsibilities 50/50. Similar to you everything else was grand. Great dad, great memories, great see but the mental load was too much

@pollymere @anon666 How can you love someone like that?

Doesn't sound like a reason for divorce if you reckon his intentions are good (but not actions) and you're otherwise happy, but you do need to properly discuss the impact of all this. Make him see (make a list if necessary) all the things you do. I don't think he will change- my hubby is well intentioned and will try for a few days, but then just falls off as its a habit he's not established (I don't mind so much tho cos I only work part time. Get in as much paid help as u can (make him see exactly why you need the cleaner back), make him do the majority of child related immediate tasks (ie, pick ups and drop offs) if that's something he can be trusted with, and stop doing anything that only impacts him (eg, his washing, any of his appointments, any of his family committments). In short, try to off load as many of the bits that you think he can be trusted to do- the others, you can try, but in my experience you will still carry the mental load of making sure they actually get done.

Decisions about your home, like hiring and firing cleaners, should be made jointly because you are partners. I can't ever imagine making a decision like that that without a chat with my partner. Not because we don't trust each other but because it's a joint decision, like what to have for dinner or what to do together on the weekend.

If you end up making a list of what you do, break it down into detail, almost as if it were for a child. For example, looking after a car means organising all services, preempting the MOT by getting the tyres checked, shopping round for insurance and breakdown cover, getting it cleaned etc etc. Some people don't think in detail.

You sound like you need a break though - escape from everything for a little bit and recharge, so you can think a bit more clearly about a relationship that is not currently working.

And the true nature of your feelings, the fact that this is serious and the problem is the lack of equality in your relationship - something you both have equal ownership of - is something he needs to know, as he needs to know what he is risking with his behaviour.

I might do things differently if I could live my life again but I don't think I'd be happier alone now the kids have grown up.

I do wonder at another life I might have lived if I had never met him. I don't think it would have been a happier life but it might have been one in which I got to pursue more of my own goals.

He now works really hard, not only in his job, but also on the house and garden. More so than I do. Its settled down over the years but I have levelled down to meet the bar.

How can any of us really know whether we'd have been happier another way? I value my family life and kids too much to blow it all apart. It was a compromise all those years ago but now it's okay.

In my experience, married 25 years with 3 kidsb and a professional job, you have to spell it out regularly. They don't see the unseen work. It's taken years to get my husband to a point where he can do some stuff without being told/asked but he still needs to point out afterwards that he did it. You have to be upfront and clear in your expectations then reinforce these again and again and again. Don't carry the load, you will break down eventually (done that too!)

Why are you blaming your mum, not your dad?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I believe it’s vital that you only marry or commit to someone with the same mindset as you.
If you are a person who can live in mess, does not care if clothes are worn dirty, doesn’t mind piles of rubbish building up etc then you will fair better if you find a like minded person.
If you are someone who absolutely needs everything put away, everything cleaned, a pristine house at all times then you should find a like minded person.
Its all very well getting with someone who you fancy, who at 22 is slim, fit and turn you on physically but if they are type A in my scenario and you are type B then after 60 years together when they are fat and their looks have faded, you are still left with a slob.
I also say the same about people who appreciate kindness and thoughtfulness. If you make your partner a cuppa every morning, cook their meals, look after them, spoil them in their birthday, then you deserve the same in return.

i could’ve written something similar before I found out my husband had undiagnosed ADHD. I recommend Melissa Orlov’s book or done Dr Barkley ADHD podcasts.
I have no idea what your husband is like in other areas so this us just a suggestion / avenue to explore

If you want to stay together and keep your sanity I think your best bet would be to hire an assistant a few hours a week to cover appointments, posting things and doing the odd things that would otherwise be forgotten and your husband should probably think about re hiring a cleaner or reducing his work hours

😂 Quite easily! He's usually very loveable. I've been with him over 25 years now.

A lot of men don’t share the mental load they just don’t think. Most of my girl friends complained about this when they had children. It’s very hard to understand how they can not engage with family life to the degree of doing things proactively and without being asked. It’s maddening and frustrating and anyone who has one who actually gets up on a Saturday and tells you all the lovely things they have planned for the family for the weekend, I hope you know how lucky you are!