I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I tried saying to my useless then H "Let's sit down and draw up a list of chores that need doing."

His reply? A flat refusal.
He's now just my Ex.

But he wouldn’t get 50% he would likely get a lot more and potentially you could be liable for spousal maintenance.

I understand OP here. If you can provide for yourself and you’re done with a marriage, you can take a one time hit. It won’t leave you homeless or bankrupt. Rip the plaster off and move on. Money is no reason to stay tied to someone else when you can earn more of your own. Not having FT access to your kids on the other hand…

Also wondering why he doesn't cook.

I'm sorry for your loss - bereavement is tough.

However, it does sound to me like you have an issue with perfectionism and/or control.
"Just this morning he had to throw away the milk because it went off. Why this matters? Because I am lactose-intolerant and don't use milk at all"

So why on earth did you even touch the milk, even look at it, even think about it. Not your problem!
You need to develop the ability to say to yourself 'this is not my problem'.

Why are you contacting both sets of parents every day? Who decided you needed to do this? Do you enjoy it, or just do it because the parents and/or DH expect you to do this?
If you don't enjoy it, just stop. Don't talk to them any more than you actually want to.

Are you overworked because you can't delegate and need to control everything? As you are a senior manager you have the ability to hire staff and delegate loads of stuff - do it!

I think it would be a very good idea for you to work outside the home. Get an office space, or actually go into your company's office if it is a reasonable journey. Make sure you leave the house before DH at least three times a week, so he does the DC drop-off, and get back late at least three times a week so he has to collect DC as well and get the evening meal ready.
It is not your problem if his morning is chaos and he is late. If he hasn't cooked in the evening, organise a takeaway or take you and DC out to eat - but don't arrange or pay for food for DH - he has to feel consequences.

Take heed of this: DH left the cat piss for you to clean up after you got back from a funeral abroad. This is not the action of a man who loves and respects you. It is verging on abusive.
Start to notice all the ways in which he disrespects you.

Hire a housekeeper and tell DH that the cost will solely be coming out of his salary - seeing as his standards of living are far below average and he obviously lacks the skill/motivation to improve them. Or if he prefers living in a shithole he can go and fund his own somewhere....
My EXDH was like this. Binned him off - I just lived in a permanent state of rage with him!

@LosingIt23 Yes, this is confusing me too!

What’s so confusing? OP gets the kid ready and DH takes the fed and dressed dc to nursery on his way to work.

I feel so sorry for you but you need to stop covering for his failings.

What struck me most about your situation is the lack of basic consideration he has for you. How you feel doesn't seem to matter to him. Have you explained this to him?

Honestly? Lawyer up and get rid. He isn’t going to undergo a personality transplant. Split assets now- clean break. You have plenty of time to make more money. And don’t get married again under any circumstances!

What’s with these men who marry someone with a glittering career and then treat them like a fucking maid! What the hell are they thinking?

I read so many similar posts and get the feeling that I'm one of the fortunate ones. I had many issues with my mil but she ensured my DP and his brother left home as fully functioning human beings who could spot and predict when things needed doing at home. They don't need to be told what needs to be done.
This is why I become so annoyed with some women on MN who can't appear to see what they are creating. There are enough misogynistic influences in the world without women socialising their children, because girls learn this too, into believing that the role of a woman in the home is to wait on people hand and foot, organise, and plan.

As PPs pointed out - he drops DC off when he goes to work, picks up on his way back. Nursery is about half way between our house and the train station where he parks. And then boards the train.

He came home and started cleaning without a word uttered from the moment he stepped in. He still didn’t eat his dinner - I guess it’s his way of saying sorry but the conversation will still need to happen.

I honestly think you're a bit unreasonable for "losing it" with DH and I'll tell you why. This is clearly a man that is never going to change, he sounds incompetent at best and probably a few more things besides. You need to realise if you want to stay with him this is how it will be - no point is losing it, it'll achieve nothing apart from up your stress levels and make the house unpleasant for DC. If you say then build a support network, make things easier for yourself, get the cleaner to do more hours, put all the washing to a laundry etc. Then perhaps relax your standards slightly at home and delegate a bit more at work. If you decide you're not staying with him then still don't lose it - just get a lawyer and get it done.

Ok, well that's something.

Sorry about your bereavement - you are probably feeling very fragile.

I have NC because I wanted to put a couple of thoughts out there:

I am the lower earner and it is not easy when there is a large disparity between the earning potential of two halves of a couple, especially a marriage. You can each make choices at 18, both study, both work hard and, twenty years down the line, with lots of experience and qualifications on both sides, one of you is easily bringing home six figures and the other is looking at jobs which barely scrape past 40k in London. I do well in my own field - it just isn't a very lucrative one! But somehow, 'right' is generally on the side of the higher earner because, well, their contribution to the pot is greater isn't it? The importance of money is everywhere, in every media outlet, every newspaper, in what is portrayed as desirable by society. So if the higher earning spouse holds this over the lower earner it can leave them feeling pretty shit - well, that's my experience anyway! But once a certain number of years have passed the lower earner can't really turn back time and become a lawyer, doctor or banker, even if they had the requisite aptitude in the first place. So what can they do to make their financial contribution 'fair', apart from work as steadily as possible in the job that their higher-earning spouse is so ready to dismiss...

The other thing that I wanted to add is that I wonder if you are making life more complicated than it needs to be. The contact with both sets of parents has already been discussed. I would really think carefully about this pattern (especially in relation to your in-laws) as daily contact becomes emotional support, emotional support becomes problem-solving and eventually, down the line, becomes caring.... The other issue is the pet care. I know that this isn't a popular view on MN, but the labour involved in pet care is not an inevitable part of family life. Whose decision was it to get the kitten? Will the kitten, however delightful they are, become an ongoing issue between you and your DH? Who will look after the cat for the foreseeable future? Is adding the cat to your family an irrevocable decision or would you be willing to rehome them if necessary? Finally the pre-school activities: you have probably made a few mum-friends now - see if you can slow things down a bit in this final year before school. I gradually realised that not every birthday party is compulsory and it is ok to be a bit more selective, especially if your DC doesn't seem bothered about attending.

It may also be helpful to consider and talk about how your parents and in-laws handled things in the home, growing up - these models have more influence on us than perhaps we realise.

I hope some of this is helpful.

I agree it's a difficult situation but i don't really understand why you are having to walk 25 mins to post something, could you not cycle or learn to drive

Sorry, yes. I missed that he did drop offs. I scanned too quickly. Thanks for the clarification

Why are people saying that OP needs to learn to drive? Where has she said that she doesn’t know how to? Was it the 25 minute walk each way to mail a letter? I assumed that her DH had their car so walking was the only option.

Because they think OP should also be doing the nursery drop offs and pick ups too most likely.

Given the op takes on all the mental load, this man refuses to even manage a calendar, I can’t work out what your point about the earnings level is? Are you trying to say lower earners are psychologically fragile and you need to carry them around the house and wiht the family load too -since you are already destabilising their psyche by earning so much, it’s the least you can do?? Your income is not your self worth, but absent other factors two adults need to contribute equally. She works a very high pressure job well paid job so yes in my mind he should do a bit more, but the problem is not that he’s only doing half, it’s that he is only carrying a fraction of the load and has no interest in carrying more, with all of his ‘you care about that more’ bullshit.