I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I find it so interesting that you're so worried about undermining a man who is taking complete and utter advantage of you. You're carrying the financial, physical and mental load while he swans about acting like he's single. He couldn't even get it together to support you when a member of your family passed away, and he doesn't care about your feelings or wellbeing even though you have told him you're struggling.

I always find it so interesting when women on these type of threads always make excuses for their husbands by saying that they're good dads and do loads with the children etc. That is utter crap I'm afraid. Firstly, a good dad would model a healthy relationship to his children, and you might not think it now, but believe me your children will see your dynamic for exactly what it is. Would you want your child to be treated the way you are being treated?

And secondly, it's a lot easier to be fun and engaging with children when you're not stressed, harassed or doing any of the actual day to day parenting. It sounds like you want the absolute best for your DC, which is great, but think about how your husband's behaviour will also be affecting your relationship with your DC. If you're working yourself into the ground to keep everything running then are you able to do fun stuff with your DC? Do they get to see mum's carefree side? Or do they see a woman who (in your own words) can go a week without leaving the house. Would you want that life for them? If you would not, then why are you settling for it for yourself?

You should not have to keep reminding your husband that you have needs, and you should not have to have the same conversations over and over again. If you're not prepared to leave him and are content with staying with someone who is happy to watch you actively struggle, then at least make some changes for yourself.

Re-hire the cleaner.
Rent an office space and go there every day. Go early in the morning so that he has to get the children ready.
Refuse to do anything you absolutely do not have to (such as remembering to buy cards or presents for his family etc.)
Hire a nanny/au pair/whatever to help with the parenting so you can spend quality time with your DC.
Start a self care routine if that is important to you.
If you are able to WFH abroad and your DC are young enough go and stay with your parents for a bit as it sounds like you're missing them. If that's not an option then arrange for them to visit you if that's important to you.
Spend more one on one time with your DC outside of the house so you can enjoy each other's company.

But honestly, in your shoes I'd just LTB, hire a nanny and a cleaner and live my life in bliss.

Sounds like you have different opinions on what “the load” is. Write everything down what you both do, l mean everything.

Sit down and discuss, if he can’t see that you are shouldering the load of everything and agree to do something about it then you have two options..

Divorce or accept things as they are. I think you know this and are probably already at this point in reality. I did this and realised l had three children (including him). Now I’m on my own it, despite being responsible for everything, the mental load is smaller and I’m happier because I’m not angry 100% of the time.

I would suggest speaking to him about the mental load you have taken on. And be very black and white as to what you do and what he does, be clear it's not a competition, it's that you need him to help you all out. And this is for the family not as a favour to you. It's about sharing the load equally.
You have accepted the additional roles without realizing and he has accepted that things will just magically be sorted. He knows you will always do them, and because you have never said anything before, he fully believes everything is ok.
If nothing changes after the conversation, I would suggest relationship counselling. It's not to say there's a problem in the marriage, it's to get the help to navigate what you want to say to him and help him to hear what you say.

Hi, gosh I feel for you. I read your post & it totally resonated with me. I was in the exact same position as yourself (not in the same wage bracket...but a higher earner) and felt exactly the same. My hubby literally has to be instructed to do anything beyond his job and looking after our first child (beyond loving him and keeping him alive in his care only). When my boy was 2.5 we hit a crossroads...I had one child, but felt I had two. But it wasn't him being a horrible person...he just wasn't bothered about the things I was. He lived in a minging home when I met him, didn't make social arrangements or keep in touch with people....just turned up last minute.com. He just drifted through life in mediocrity when we met, but was an amazing person...the person I fell in love with. We have built a life together and I have supported him...he now has his own career and earns the same as I do.

Back to the crossroads 🤣🤣. I literally couldn't carry on how I was ...my job as a Social Worker was extremely stressful as well as carrying the family logistically, the home and the finances; the primary care giver. My resolution was being a stay at home mum before my brain popped or I divorced him (I will return to my career after my second goes to school) 🙈. This gave me the space to be a mother and have a second; and save my marriage. I have also trained him better over time (but he will never do what I do on an equal level...and tbh he would never do it to my high standards anyway). I'm in no way suggesting you do the same, but I do think you should look for other solutions beyond ditching him. I think from the tone of your post your not ready for giving up. I would have a heart to heart with him and agree to delegate more tasks and tell him you have been thinking of leaving him....tell him he needs to write a bloody list and set alarms as reminders!!! Look at hiring a personal assistant (if you can afford to live without his wage you can afford one)...it's worth it if it means averting a breakdown and saving your marriage 👍

I also think you need to be honest with yourself. All of the reasons me and my hubby get on and I was attracted to him; also make him rubbish at managing life and being an equal in terms of responsibility in the home and life in general. I also like being in charge and deciding everything!! Also my standards are so high he wouldn't do it as well as me anyway 🤣🙈. I suspect that's the case with you too lol. Things are particularly stressful when your child is young...it will get better on that score too 👍. I definitely think a personal assistant is the way to go since a career break is out of the question and a very honest dialogue with the hubby. Then re-evaluate again 👍 Good luck ❤️

@Codlingmoths
Oh I’m definitely not defending the DH (he sounds quite slack) and he should put personal appointments into his work calendar - that’s an obvious solution! I am just sharing some personal experience of what it feels like to be on the other side of the high-earner/low-earner coin.

It’s all relative and we don’t know the sums of money involved. To many people, 45k is a great salary; to others that is their lower earning partner who isn’t quite contributing enough.

We do but he 'is bad with those things' and it 'overwhelms him to have multiple calendars as he already has one at work'.

Can he therefore share his work calendar to your home computer? I had a similar-ish issue with DH compartmentalising so that he kept doing stupid things like booking work appointments during our holidays. Once his computer was online, I was able to put things like holidays onto his work calendar, but he is self employed so that made it easier for me to do that.

I think one of the problems here is that you have a separate budget.

When my daughter was born, we decided that I would be the one who would do the housework and such. It's not because I'm a woman, it's because my husband works more and earns more. If I earned more, he would have to do it! We put everything into the budget- even though he earns 3 times as much as I do. We do not make any decisions about how we spend the money without discussing it first.

Your husband feels financially secure: he pays for his things- while you are paying for everything. He fired the cleaner??? Without discussing it with you???? He feels that he had the right to make this decision as "he pays for it".
Now he's going to spend that money on his hobbies while you left to clean the house.
Everything should be in one budget! It's not about controlling him with money, it's about making him understand that he either does it or you will pay for help--- and that should mean less money for him!

He's only cleaning because he sees his cosy little set up disappearing. My father had elements of the absolving himself of responsibility and with a sick mother I had a lot of responsibility really young. I hated that about him and so did my mother. No 9 year old child should be elbowing their father aside to check their mother still has a pulse. He just wanted her to take more and more antidepressants, sleeping tablets etc so she didn't yell at him. She was basically an addict and it was me that helped her get weaned off them in my teens. It is not surprising that I actively looked for a man who would take responsibility for things and dumped anybody who didn't measure up in that quality. My husband after a bit of a rocky start did take responsibility. I leave certain things to him to organise and he leaves other things for me to organise. We have to rely that each of us will do what we said.

I am probably ADHD myself but I work on those issues. It doesn't mean that I live in a tip or think I can make do without a cleaner. Basically, you picked a dud one. He doesn't care at all about you doing most of the work, earning most of the money and doing all the planning such that you have hardly time to comb your hair. Regardless of whether he could do it, he shows no sign of wanting to do it.

He is not fixable long term or even medium term. I think I'd cut my losses asap.

I don’t think giving this man access to OP’s money is the answer.

Why would he get acess? I didn't say anything about joint accounts!

She should held all the money and they should discuss together the finances.

100%agree with most posts. He wont change. If you cant put up, get rid. Id get shot as lifes too short for that much of a compromise. Think of your own inner peace.

He needs an ultimatum. And you need to employ more people to help you

Couples counselling. He needs to hear from someone other than you how unfair he is being

Tell him ALL the stuff you do abd tell him you are considering leaving because of his behaviour .
Tell him you love him., but his behaviour has you with 1 foot out the door already & what he did that was wrong...write a list if necessary so he can't deny its existence.

Eva Rodski rote a book called Fair Play that comes with cards so that you and your partner can sit down and in a more tangible way see the mental load distribution. Buy it for him.

Get a nanny, go for a date, try it out.

I carry the mental load of household and I work, i dont make much but now enough to pay for a nanny and soo daycare. My husband has severe adhd. But loves the heck out of me, the sex isn't even that good, the level of love is what I personally value, he genuinely cares about me and is willing to listen and hear me, but struggles because of mental health to follow through, that said he also makes more money than me, but unfortunately not enough to keep us afloat without me working. It's hard.

It sounds like you're in a hard place too, and you get to decide what YOU value and how YOU want to live out your days and with whom. If you want to continue to share space with him, do it. You can financially make it work it seems! And if you don't then look for other avenues an assistant, or a nanny. You might not need them forever but enough to relieve the mental load, and if you can afford it do it.

I wish you all the best. I wish you rest and new ways of communicating what you need.

@LosingIt23 what I find concerning is how suddenly today he came home and without prompting started to do the cleaning.

This says to me he knows the house isn’t clean, he has noticed it, he knows what needs to be cleaned but he has chosen not to notice it for 2 weeks whilst you have been going through a bereavement and a tough time at work. He is lazy and happy for you to carry all the mental load, so disrespectful.

You definitely need to have the conversation and make it clear he is being disrespectful to you and not an equal partner.

Says a lot that the divorce word is something you’ve actually considered. Have you considered a couples therapist? Sounds like you could afford it and benefit from one & these issues do sound salvageable to me.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about division of labour and how you feel like you are carrying the family. You know best how to broach that with him, but I would argue the 'losing it with him' is not the right way to go about it. Having an argument just makes you look like you've lost control when actually, it's having all of the control that's the issue. I would find a good, quiet time where you have a few hours together, when DC is in bed or away for the night, open a bottle of wine, have a nice dinner together and then start the conversation. Focus it on 'I feel...' rather than 'You don't...' (so: 'I feel like the responsibility for the smooth running of our household rests on my shoulders' is better than 'You don’t do anything').

Once you have started the conversation, you can give him all of the examples you posted here: I feel frustrated that I had to walk to the post office in my free time today / it felt like you forgot about my needs this morning when you forgot to leave my raincoat and I got soaked / I get overwhelmed in an untidy and unclean house, which our house has been since you fired the cleaner. Always follow with a 'next time, could you please...' or 'I think the solution is ... - what do you think?' so you are clear on the solution before you move on.

This is a great resource if you want to solidify the division of the mental load into something tangible that you can both work from (and even involve DC in): www.notsosmugnow.com/store-1/the-mental-load-list

I really sympathise with your husband as well as you. I know I carry a lot of the mental load in the household, but I also know I'm prone to disappearing into a work bubble where it's difficult to hold too many things in my head at the same time. I have to regularly remind myself that work is less important than my family and home life and that helps me to divide my time more appropriately.

I really hope you sort things out.

And then

Make a comprehensive list of all the jobs you do, within the house, on a daily, weekly, monthly etc basis, get him to do the same then compare the lists & see what he can take off your plate.
If there is something he just isn’t capable of managing then you keep that job but things like feeding the pets is something he could easily do & he could even get the kids dressed while your prep food for dinner!
I’d be frustrated too. The mental load is real.

I’ve actually blown up at my partner & 11yr old today because I am sick of having to ask a million times for something to be done, for help with something, remind them that jobs need doing when they can both have ears so heard me ask, heard me remind & can also clearly see the jobs need doing.
I am disabled, I have CFS as well as fibro, ADHD, OCD, EUPD & other issues so I struggle with things but I’m struggling even more because I’m being held up by their inability to do jobs that need when they need doing.

Sounds like you are very comfortable financially so ultimately you have a lot of freedom so go with your heart.

Why do people on MN always jump straight in with ‘dump him’ ???? A marriage (or partnership) is a commitment and you are both parents to you DC. Try to spare some time, have a proper talk (well in fact several talks) work on sorting things out. Tell him exactly what you said in post, let him respond and work on it together. If you get on well generally and sex is good and you have a child together then it’s worth trying to sort out your issues.