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Original poster

To not buy her new trainers?

352 replies

Grealish · 23/08/2023 15:08

My DD (12) got new trainers in March for school PE. We got her a pair of Skechers because they’re comfy and she’s never had any interest in fashion or trends. Well now she’s starting secondary school in a week and she’s told me that these shoes will not do. They’re still in perfect condition, and still fit her perfectly. She’s shown me the shoes she wants and that everyone apparently has and I told her that we will get her shoes like that when she out grows these ones or she wears them out/they get ruined.

Well I should not have said that because we came down this morning and her shoes had been cut up. She claims it was the dog. It’s mad how dogs can chew exactly like scissors! Told her we’d have to get rid of the dog if he was chewing things, trying to make her fess up but didn’t work haha.

Anyways I just want to know what you would do in this scenario. She needs trainers for PE and she plans to do Basketball after school so she can’t not have trainers. I’m tempted to buy her the same shoes again but that seems like a waste. The shoes she wants are the same price but that feels like rewarding her for destroying her runners. She gets €10 a week pocket money for doing bits around the house, so I could buy the ones she wants and say it comes out of her pocket money for the next 8 weeks or so. Ahhh I just don’t know what’s the answer in this scenario. Not sure what the balance is between teaching a lesson and not being a bitch.

OP posts:
Longagonow96 · 23/08/2023 17:32

urbanbuddha · 23/08/2023 15:16

Skechers? For a 12 year old? That seems massively unfair. Just apologise and buy her new trainers.

Ofgs don't be stupid. Skechers are fine. No wonder no-one has any money if they're wasting it on labels. They're all made in the same Chinese factories...

strawberry2017 · 23/08/2023 17:33

I think you need to talk to her to get to the bottom of why she's behaved the way she has. Something had triggered this and now is a good way to open up communications for the longer term. Don't go mad with her - she's done a stupid thing but use this to help you going forward.
It could be bullying. It might not be.

Longagonow96 · 23/08/2023 17:34

urbanbuddha · 23/08/2023 16:37

No, I mean it. Apologise. Going forward you want your daughter to feel she can come to you with any problems she has, and be listened to.

Show quote history

And if she demands Jimmy Choos just buy them. Sure.🙄

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/08/2023 17:47

I’d make her pay half the cost of the new pair as punishment for cutting up the old pair and then lying about it as that really isn’t on, especially the lying.

gamerchick · 23/08/2023 17:48

Bandyarsia · 23/08/2023 16:25

Nah calling a child an entitled bugger because she went to the lengths of destroying her old lady shoes in the hope her mother would buy her ones that she won't get bullied for is a lot stranger. My heart goes out to her to be honest. She tried telling her Mother that these ones would not do and her mother did not listen, she even wore the shit Sketchers since fekin March without quibble. She is starting secondary school, give her a bloody break. Wearing sketchers to secondary is MORTIFYING.

Show quote history

Sorted then. If you're willing to buy the kid what she wants, then I'm sure the OP will be thankful.

Condoning a kid cutting up something to get their own way is bad shit coming from an adult though.

Womblegreen · 23/08/2023 17:54

That’s really disappointing behaviour and I think needs a consequence.

As the desired trainers are the same price I would buy them but then I would reduce her pocket money by 75% until she has paid for them herself. I would also have a separate consequence for lying about their destruction.

LivingOnALilo · 23/08/2023 18:06

OP she was obviously desperate to go to such lengths. Don’t underestimate the importance of fitting in at this age. What is trivial to us is a huge deal for your DD.

My DD is 14 but when she started secondary school, in her innocence, she picked a cheap pair of pink trainers for PE. I bought her the “in” trainers instead and just told her pink was not allowed. A few months later she thanked me and said she’s pleased I thought ahead because kids get picked on for not fitting it.

It’s all very well saying it’s wrong to have to conform, but teenagers are brutal and it was the same when I was at high school. Don’t make her stand out if you don’t have to. If you can’t afford them, then that’s an entirely different matter.

She also needs to realise that cutting up the shoes was out of order. I would sit her down and explain that you didn’t fully understand her point of view, but what she did was also not ok. Agree to both make amends by paying half each (her half from her pocket money). Firstly, she has to admit it wasn’t the dog and secondly , she has to agree to talk things through properly next time.

Stillcantbebothered · 23/08/2023 18:10

urbanbuddha · 23/08/2023 15:16

Skechers? For a 12 year old? That seems massively unfair. Just apologise and buy her new trainers.

You’re kidding right??? Apologise for what?

Jl2014 · 23/08/2023 18:10

I’d take the money for the ruined trainers from her pocket money and replace them with the most cheap / crap / embarrassing trainers I could find.

LivingOnALilo · 23/08/2023 18:13

@Jl2014 You would do that to a 12 year old about to transition to high school? Life is tough enough without her own mother sabotaging her.

Yes, what she did was wrong but it’s nothing that can’t be sorted with a conversation.

LondonQueen · 23/08/2023 18:16

Shed be getting some own brand asda or the cheapest trainers I could find in sports direct if that was my daughter. I've always let my kids choose (to an extent) what they wear but they have always been fashion conscious.

Balloonhearts · 23/08/2023 18:16

Primark is your friend here. I'd not be buying her the ones she wants just on principle now as it just sends the message that she can behave like an entitled brat and get her own way.

purplebluediscorain · 23/08/2023 18:21

I do get your point however there’s no way me or my daughters dad would be sending her to a new school a new year in last years sketchers. Not in a million years. I’d be buying my child fresh trainers every year regardless and she can use her old ones as spare for an activity at home as such.

it is important at school for children to fit in, although I wasn’t one of those who had the make up orange as heck ( I didn’t wear it in the early years unless a friend or my mum applied it) I also never owned a Paul’s botique coat or bag. Never owned a dream matte mouse etc but my mum never ever refused to buy me a new pair of trainers. She will soon find her feet and pick and choose what she wants to follow and what she don’t but this is her starting a big new school and that is important to her. You are/were being unreasonable.

MixedTocopherols · 23/08/2023 18:23

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:32

She's obviously either being bullied, worried about being bullied, or worried about not fitting in at secondary school. Most 12 year olds aren't wearing skechers these days.

Tell her that she can talk to you about those things and the real reason why she wants new trainers, then you will have a better understanding. Talk to her about how important communication is and that you do "get it" that she wants to fit in.

But she also needs to understand why cutting up her trainers was wrong, admit that she did it and apologise.

Then, after that, I would get her the trainers she wants. I would consider taking a small contribution towards them from her pocket money as a consequence for cutting up her old ones. Probably not the entire cost but just half her pocket money for a few weeks or something.

This is the perfect approach

MadNads · 23/08/2023 18:24

Don't get her shoes from primark or sports direct, she was obviously desperate to destroy the Skechers. She needs to fess up but also needs to have decent trainers to fit in (and not just a specific brand, specific trainers within that brand).

purplebluediscorain · 23/08/2023 18:25

@Bandyarsia say this louder!! I’m with you.

no what she did wasn’t right but she made a point and a stand and I’d never want to make fun of my child or disappoint them to that extent. Old lady shoes are no fun to a 12 year old

supersonicginandtonic · 23/08/2023 18:26

My teens wouldn't be seen dead in Skechers. Don't think they'd even go in the shop. It's important to fit in as a teen.

NumberTheory · 23/08/2023 18:30

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:32

She's obviously either being bullied, worried about being bullied, or worried about not fitting in at secondary school. Most 12 year olds aren't wearing skechers these days.

Tell her that she can talk to you about those things and the real reason why she wants new trainers, then you will have a better understanding. Talk to her about how important communication is and that you do "get it" that she wants to fit in.

But she also needs to understand why cutting up her trainers was wrong, admit that she did it and apologise.

Then, after that, I would get her the trainers she wants. I would consider taking a small contribution towards them from her pocket money as a consequence for cutting up her old ones. Probably not the entire cost but just half her pocket money for a few weeks or something.

^^ This.

Don’t go overboard. You need to be building trust and showing her that she can communicate and you will listen to her. Also, you need to be adjusting to her changing needs, of which social acceptance by her peers is likely to be increasingly important, and helping her manage them.

salindahind · 23/08/2023 18:36

My 13yo year 9 boy asked for sketchers. He chose them. He couldn't care less what anyone thinks and I'm so proud of him for that compared to some people on here and the sheep mentality. They're just shoes.

What about people on the poverty line who have to buy from primark or shoe zone - what then? It's your fault if they get bullied because you didn't buy them the right thing??

For the OP, there's no chance cutting up shoes would result in getting new better ones. What a precedent to set. She needs to learn to use communication not physical action to get what she wants and explain why.

Alphabetica · 23/08/2023 18:36

OnionBhajis · 23/08/2023 16:14

(As an aside sketchers are not orthopedic . Just the opposite. My orthotic/podiatrist said they dont have enough support.).

I only now associate them with elderly people as my mother-in-law's podiatrist recommended them and ever since I've noticed how many older ladies wear them. I thought they were a young persons' brand because Britney Spears used to be one of their brand ambassadors. I'm curious who their actual target market is nowadays?

Tumbleweed101 · 23/08/2023 18:38

I'm poor so mine have had to put up with cheap trainers for school lol.

I'd be sitting down and having a serious conversation though if any of mine did that to see what on earth was going on in their minds and see if I could reassure any fears. I'd also be stopping pocket money until new shoes were paid off.

OnionBhajis · 23/08/2023 18:50

Alphabetica - I agree I think of old people too (my dad wears them 70+) but surprised any podiatrist recommends them. I thought they were on the hit list for podiatrists!

Jifmicroliquid · 23/08/2023 18:57

I’m afraid I’d go and buy a pair of sports trainers from Primark for now and tell her that she can have her new trainers at Christmas.

Cutting up an expensive pair of trainers is dreadful behaviour and she shouldn’t be rewarded with new trainers.

FionnulaTheCooler · 23/08/2023 18:58

SuperiorM · 23/08/2023 16:25

Ok so I’m afraid I think she should not have to work for pocket money.

If she’s 12 was still fitting footwear she had in March that’s quite worrying. I really would get her measured.

I don’t condone cutting them up though and you might consider saying no pocket money for a fortnight or something along those lines.

I don't think a 12 year old staying the same shoe size for a while is that unusual. My 12 year old had a massive growth spurt a couple of years ago but it seems to have slowed right down now, her shoe size hasn't changed in ages and she's the same shoe size/height as me now so I don't expect it to change that much more. I can't remember the last time I actually got her measured, she just tries shoes on and gets the size that feels comfy.

TropicalTrama · 23/08/2023 18:59

I thought they were a young persons' brand because Britney Spears used to be one of their brand ambassadors
Ha I would have been about 12 at the time- still distinctly remember the Britney advert (big fan!) where she had some weird long denim skirt on with a red crop top and we used to laugh at them because they were such ugly shoes even Britney couldn’t make them look good.