To not buy her new trainers?

[Grealish]

My DD (12) got new trainers in March for school PE. We got her a pair of Skechers because they’re comfy and she’s never had any interest in fashion or trends. Well now she’s starting secondary school in a week and she’s told me that these shoes will not do. They’re still in perfect condition, and still fit her perfectly. She’s shown me the shoes she wants and that everyone apparently has and I told her that we will get her shoes like that when she out grows these ones or she wears them out/they get ruined.

Well I should not have said that because we came down this morning and her shoes had been cut up. She claims it was the dog. It’s mad how dogs can chew exactly like scissors! Told her we’d have to get rid of the dog if he was chewing things, trying to make her fess up but didn’t work haha.

Anyways I just want to know what you would do in this scenario. She needs trainers for PE and she plans to do Basketball after school so she can’t not have trainers. I’m tempted to buy her the same shoes again but that seems like a waste. The shoes she wants are the same price but that feels like rewarding her for destroying her runners. She gets €10 a week pocket money for doing bits around the house, so I could buy the ones she wants and say it comes out of her pocket money for the next 8 weeks or so. Ahhh I just don’t know what’s the answer in this scenario. Not sure what the balance is between teaching a lesson and not being a bitch.

IMO you're looking at that the wrong way round - I don't have kids, but by understanding what the in thing is and making sure they have it you're enabling them to fit in, find their tribe and make friends. By forcing them to be different (because they should love themselves for who they are, or whatever) you're teaching them that not confirming makes them stand out, unpopular, and a target for bullies. That will follow them through to adulthood a lot more and IMO make them more likely to want to conform when they have control of their own lives. Confidence is built over many years from many things, you can't just tell a 12 year old to be confident from within. It's not that easy.

And it doesn't end at school tbh. To be successful in a lot of industries you need to conform to an extent, e.g. the schmoozing culture in sales etc.

Sounds like you nailed it! Great resolution :)

@Bandyarsia 😂😂
You have a way with words, I'm creasing at every post.

But the kid ASKED for those particular trainers less than 6 months ago!

'I wonder if you even realise what your “conform or be bullied” attitude says to a child?

As I said this absolutely would be dealt with by school if you raised it.'

Literally the only way the parents could make this even worse for the kid is by going to the school

I simply won't buy my child a pair of Nike/ Adidas or whatever the latest thing is purely so she can fit in with the 'in crowd'. It's ridiculous and the 'in crowd' is not worth being part of if they are judging you on your shoes/ clothes. That doesn't mean I'll buy her ridiculous things that will make her look silly or stand out loads but I'm not going to teach her to keep up with the Jones' from a young age.

My parents never had that mentality and I never had loads of fashionable brands and I'm no worse for it. People who are obsessed with fashionable brands and obsessively fitting in tend to be snobs and very materialistic. Not values I'll be teaching my child.

How old is your child? As a parent of a teen, I do whatever I can to make dd feel comfortable and confident.

My dd wanted things like a sparkly unicorn top and a fluffy animal jumper the spring before she went to secondary. She was 10. By the time she got there at 11, she realised these would be social suicide. She wore them for a while with certain friends or messing around in so got the wear out of them.

A 12 year old child cannot predict 6 months in advance. Even without contending with puberty, which completely changes thinking, this is a large chunk of a 12 year old’s life.

Comfort and confidence come from a range of things not just buying them the latest fashionable gear. If teens can only get their confidence from clothes and being like everyone else, they're in for a shock in the adult world. You're not always going to have someone there to provide you with objects/ clothes to boost your confidence.

My child is still only small but when she's a teen she's not just going to be automatically bought whatever the kids at school deem fashionable in a desperate bid to fit in.

If other people are going to judge you that harshly for what you wear, aged 12 or age 40, they are ridiculously shallow and not worth knowing.

I thought all sorts of thing when my 15 year old was little and have reneged on some of those decisions. A 12 year old is not malleable like a small child. Listening to your parent’s advice on dress sense is the opposite of cool. The transition from small child to tween and teen can be hard to adapt to, especially if you have a child like mine, who has always known their own mind. Teens are pre programmed not to listen to their parents and need this separation to developmentally become fully fledged adults.

Definitely take it out her pocket money for the new trainers, until repayed. it's less about the trainers, and more about the lying and willful damage of perfectly good shoes. She needs a lecture in being grateful for having clothes/shoes at all.

@Lonzdale34
Your opinion is valid in a perfect world but the harsh reality is that teens are harsh, why set your child up to be bullied? for the sake of buying a different type of shoe or coat?
If you see high school kids you can actually pick out the ones that mum chose their clothes, still dressed like a 7 yr old out of M&S

I'd give her the choice between buying her own from pocket money to replace them or that I will buy her the ones she wants but they WILL be her xmas present because I know she destroyed them.

Who is buying Skechers that have been hacked up with a pair of scissors?!

The drama on this thread is ridiculous - she hasn't even been to school yet, she has no idea if Skechers are fine, if anyone will care and if there are kids who want to bully, they will find some 'reason' to do so no matter what.

Loads of kids where I live are wearing them, trends vary around the country and whats 'cool' in one place may not be in another.

She could have come and asked 'what should I do if other kids pick on me about my trainers' - she could have asked 'is there any way I can keep these for home and have something else for school'...

But she whined about something she THINKS may happen but actually has no idea if it will or not, and then immediately went off and wilfully destroyed a perfectly good (And not that cheap!) pair of trainers to get her own way, and lied about it.

Where in God’s name do you live?

Tell her that you know she ruined her shoes on purpose. Tell her how much the budget is for her phone and the internet/tv/gaming. Say that from now she can have what ever she wants and it will come out of that budget . Let her seen an immediate action such as no mobile internet until the cost as been covered.

@Possimpible were they k-Swiss tongue twisters??

Skechers are not "in" for any age group!

OP I often buy my DCs trainers from Vinted. They know if there's a specific one they want but it's out of my accepted spend range then they either have to buy it themselves or we search on Vinted. I remember how having the right stuff at school was important to feel that you fitted in so I try and support that with my DCs but at the same time making sure they understand the value of things and that there are limits.

Yes haha! Not just me then 😂we were the bees knees.

@urbanbuddha maybe 'in God's name' she lives in Scotland, or Ireland, or one of the many places that isn't England and has different term times?

What an awful world we are living in when you need to make that comment.

Children have what the family budget can afford.

What have term times got to do with “loads of kids” wearing Skechers??

One of my parents was Scottish btw. I know it well.

I guess I should show my 12 year old son this thread. He insisted he wanted skechers when in the shoe shop getting school shoes. As a result he has some for P.E. and everyday use while at home. I even offered to take him to the sports shop to get nice trendy trainers. My 14 year old picked the naffest, cheapest pair of reeboks too. I'm gutted, wanted to get him the Nike Airs!

Nike doesn't fit my dd foot they are crap.
I didn't realise sketchers had such a bad rep 🤣 thankfully so far neither dc cares.

@urbanbuddha apologies, I misunderstood your post

They don't in the real world.

80 quid on a pair of comfy trainers is not a bad buy. You're just seeing the prejudice from the minted. Not really worth paying attention to tbh.