To not buy her new trainers?

[Grealish]

My DD (12) got new trainers in March for school PE. We got her a pair of Skechers because they’re comfy and she’s never had any interest in fashion or trends. Well now she’s starting secondary school in a week and she’s told me that these shoes will not do. They’re still in perfect condition, and still fit her perfectly. She’s shown me the shoes she wants and that everyone apparently has and I told her that we will get her shoes like that when she out grows these ones or she wears them out/they get ruined.

Well I should not have said that because we came down this morning and her shoes had been cut up. She claims it was the dog. It’s mad how dogs can chew exactly like scissors! Told her we’d have to get rid of the dog if he was chewing things, trying to make her fess up but didn’t work haha.

Anyways I just want to know what you would do in this scenario. She needs trainers for PE and she plans to do Basketball after school so she can’t not have trainers. I’m tempted to buy her the same shoes again but that seems like a waste. The shoes she wants are the same price but that feels like rewarding her for destroying her runners. She gets €10 a week pocket money for doing bits around the house, so I could buy the ones she wants and say it comes out of her pocket money for the next 8 weeks or so. Ahhh I just don’t know what’s the answer in this scenario. Not sure what the balance is between teaching a lesson and not being a bitch.

😂

OT but there is no T in Skechers

As you were

I don't blame her either, no punishment i could get would be worse than wearing them.

Thanks for that!

Skechers ARE SHIT shoes for a 12 year old.

Now.

Don't apologise op 😂😂😂

Do the pocket money thing you suggested

I feel sorry for your DD really. She must have felt really desperate to fit in. I’m sure we all remember that feeling and it’s horrible being a kid and not being able to buy things you want and need.

Next time she comes to you desperate for something I think a better idea would be to work out how she can earn it with extra chores rather than tell her she needs to suck it up.

Especially something like shoes or school bag or big “identity” items for kids that firmly place them in the cool or not cool camp.

However in saying that, the cutting up was a nasty move by her - so I would say that she needs to admit what she did and apologise before new sneakers are purchased. And commit to listening to each other more moving forward and to a better plan for her to get things she needs.

No, I mean it. Apologise. Going forward you want your daughter to feel she can come to you with any problems she has, and be listened to.

Absolutely needs to come from her pocket money if you do get her the ones she wants.

Personally I’d find some second hand ones on Vinted and make her wear those for a bit. She has destroy her shoes and lied to you :(

There are a few issues here OP

1. Feeling left out/potential bullying by peers
2. Destructive behaviour cutting up shoes
3. Lying

I'd have a good chat w her raising all these issues in a kind way

I think a fair solution is you go 50/50 on the new trainers. Additionally she needs a consequence for the lying and destructive behaviour. Something like her donating £20 to a food bank/children's charity/animal charity/volunteering for a day might be appropriate....or more tasks to do around the house

I would use this as an opportunity to have a chat about fitting in and unkind comments from others.
DC3 had similar feelings about a coat that although was perfectly good it transpired the colour had been commented on and DC was happy to wear it out of school but not to school so we bought a new one.

The cutting up the trainers should be dealt with though, using pocket money to fund the new trainers is a good idea.

Is she your eldest OP? This is a scary time for your daughter, and I agree with some pp that you made a mistake saying you would not get new trainers.

I don't know what other people's relationships with their children are like but some seem quite harsh on this thread.
I would be raging but also quite amused really, you know the dog didn't do it, and DD knows you know that.
So you could apologise for not listening to her/ not realising it was so important, and ask her to apologise for destroying the shoes, which is obviously not on, but if handled differently you could have agreed to keep them as spares/camping shoes and they would still have been useable.

Skechers = "comfort" brand for little kids and older people with bunions and arthritis.

They were a little bit cooler about 25 years ago, but shot themselves in the foot with those awful orthopaedic looking Go Walk monstrosities.

I wouldn’t wear Skechers and I’m in my 40s. I think it’s a good idea to take pocket money to pay for the new ones.

Sent too soon - then you could go shopping for a new pair of shoes and an opportunity to chat about how she's feeling about starting high school, plus check if there's anything else she thinks will be important to have, and how that should be paid for.

It’s not cool behaviour obviously, but then nor is buying Skechers for a 12 year old

There's no suggestion in the OP that these were bought against her daughter's wishes though. It reads more like her daughter didn't care and so was fine with them, but has since changed her mind.

starting secondary school with these trainers would be absolutely devastating. I don’t blame her for doing that, that’s the choice you gave her. Surely we can all remember what secondary school was like. Get ready for more of the same op.

Bless her, stuff like that feels so important when you're 12.

I don't know what the solution, but I really feel empathy with your daughter. I remember a similar screaming meltdown when my dad bought a "boy" birthday cake for my party at a similar age (up until that point I had been a resolute tomboy too, my poor dad!)

It would be a bit weird for OP to now punish her daughter for lying, having herself told a fairly outlandish lie about getting rid of the family dog. Obviously she could win a battle of wills with her daughter over a pair of Skechers but I don’t really know why any mother would want to. She’s about to be a teenager and there will be loads of things worth making her hate you for, I don’t see the point in bringing that forward. This is also the logical limitation of forming a judgement in your head that your daughter “isn’t interested in fashion” i.e. that you think you’re too good for it - turns out you don’t know her that well because she is in fact interested in fashion at least as far as fitting in with her peers goes. Like most people!

Sketchers are not old lady shoes!

They came back round again a few years ago after being hot in the late 90s. They were even in Vogue for gods sake!

However teen fashion is a separate universe!

For a 12yo? HAHAHAHA nope. They are social death in that age group (and I say this as someone currently wearing a pair. But a) I'm 40 and b) they're my knockabout trainers and are never worn for work/fun/out-out. Or sport.)

You should have just bought her the shoes. She would probably have been picked on.

What lesson are you trying to teach her?

Surely it's fine to get new shoes for going to school and the older ones will still be worn outwith that?

Sorry I completely missed the part about the scissors, that said I would have got her new shoes in the first place.

Don't buy her the same again, she doesn't want to wear them to school.

I think as long as you can afford it get her the shoes she wants. I like the idea of taking a partial bit from her pocket money. 12 is rough and she wants to fit in. My daughter loved sketches as a young kid but at 12 it is a bit babyish

I'd apologise for backing her into a corner.
Talk about being honest with each other.

And buy her some trainers!