To not buy her new trainers?

[Grealish]

My DD (12) got new trainers in March for school PE. We got her a pair of Skechers because they’re comfy and she’s never had any interest in fashion or trends. Well now she’s starting secondary school in a week and she’s told me that these shoes will not do. They’re still in perfect condition, and still fit her perfectly. She’s shown me the shoes she wants and that everyone apparently has and I told her that we will get her shoes like that when she out grows these ones or she wears them out/they get ruined.

Well I should not have said that because we came down this morning and her shoes had been cut up. She claims it was the dog. It’s mad how dogs can chew exactly like scissors! Told her we’d have to get rid of the dog if he was chewing things, trying to make her fess up but didn’t work haha.

Anyways I just want to know what you would do in this scenario. She needs trainers for PE and she plans to do Basketball after school so she can’t not have trainers. I’m tempted to buy her the same shoes again but that seems like a waste. The shoes she wants are the same price but that feels like rewarding her for destroying her runners. She gets €10 a week pocket money for doing bits around the house, so I could buy the ones she wants and say it comes out of her pocket money for the next 8 weeks or so. Ahhh I just don’t know what’s the answer in this scenario. Not sure what the balance is between teaching a lesson and not being a bitch.

I had to buy DD an expensive Kanken backpack years ago when they were first a thing. 2 weeks into her starting secondary school. I was not happy. But I didn't like the fake leather cheap tote bag she'd originally requested so it was sort of ok

If I made DD wear sketchers or any other naff brand that parents wear she'd never ideal to me again and hate me forever I'm sure

In fact a 13 year old girl committed suicide a couple of years ago because she had a vile stepdad who'd make her go to school in horrible manky tracksuit bottoms etc just to humiliate her as well other weird shit like making her clean till 2am - it was really sad actually

Poor Amber

www.thesun.co.uk/news/8352483/amber-peat-suicide-stepdad-forced-mop-floor/amp/

OP do not feel like shitty Mum, you haven't done anything wrong! All the poster blaming you and enabling your daughter's spoilt behaviour are the ones who's children will grow up to have a sense of entitlement.

I see you have made her confess and she is paying for half of the new trainers which is a good compromise. This is a lesson to her that she needs to have respect for her items and understand the value of money. If she wants certain trendy clothes or shoes but doesn't need them, then she needs to start doing chores to earn money to pay for them or agree to have them as birthday or Christmas gifts.

You are a good Mum and you bought her the trainers that she asked for only a few months ago, can't see how this is your fault. Teens are fickle and selfish, not on purpose but she needs to learn she can't always get what she wants, she needs to earn it.

I would of course take from her pocket money to cover the new shoes. But re the shoes, are they proper trainers designed for kids to play sport in? As I think of Skechers as casual/skate shoes. My
kids don’t wear that kind of thing for basketball (they don’t have dedicated basketball trainers either I should add)

Sketchers are definitely older people shoes, I'm nearly 50 and I do have some for long walking days but I know that they aren't as cool as my dunks ( just more comfortable!)

I think being unfashionable is really hard as teen.

Well the good news is she has good listening skills 🤣

You should have got her the ones she asked for in the first place

I would buy her the shoes she wants, (we always had new shoes for first day at school), but she'd be washing all the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner for a week. I'd hate that if I were 12.

I have sympathy with teens feeling this way about brands because teens are teens, but grown adults saying they wouldn’t be seen dead in them is so depressing. I remember a programme where the branding was taken off various items of clothing and people had to chose items they liked/thought were high end/fashionable- they couldn’t do it, even supposed experts often picked out the stuff they would previously have said they ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in’. The marketeers have us right they want us, that’s the embarrassing part- not wearing a shoe you happen to find comfortable and not giving a shit what brand it is! (Teens are exempt from this maturity of thinking, as I said!)

I cannot believe the amount of people here defending the kid! What a bunch of entitled brats you must be raising.

Op you did the right thing in having your daughter apologise and pay for half of the new shoes. That seem like a reasonable response and she will probably learn from it in the future. If my child was that desperate for new shoes, I would have done something similar and had them contribute but if they cut them up they would be paying for the lot.

How are children ever meant to understand the value of anything if all they have to do is stomp their feet to get what they want. It actually makes me sad that this is seen as normal. Hopefully it's just one of those only on mumsnet situations.

i get why you didn’t want to get new ones but she will have been picked on in Skechers. That’s why she did it and is obviously extremely worried. Get her the new ones and tell her to let you know if she ever needs to talk about anything happening at school.

I certainly hope mine won’t grow up entitled brats,showing no sign of it so far
I certainly don’t want them growing up remembering feeling out of step with the other children as far as clothes are concerned,my DH still goes on about being sent to cub camp with pink wellies

OPs DD is not an entitled brat

That's so rude, nasty and mean

And just goes to show that some of you just don't know teenage girls at all

Some who are so terrified of being bullied and outcast that they would cut up a pair of trainers

That to me is fear

And that on the flip side some teens are so nasty they will bully someone relentlessly re a pair of very uncool granny trainers

Well done for listening to your dd. It’s a shame she went to such lengths in trying to get you to understand her perspective. But 12 year olds aren’t known for thinking things through. She won’t be this young forever, knowing that you have her back and will be there for her if she gets herself into a serious bind is far more important than a few quid wasted or trashing some trainers she now hates.

I’ve been through this with my dd as well with clothes and shoes, including buying a whole new wardrobe at the end of primary, which 6 months later was mostly unacceptable. The most annoying thing was when dd’s feet grew a size then shrunk back to the original size 3 months later. (Luckily we still had her old huaraches; she refused to get rid of them as they were discontinued.) The 4 pairs of trainers she had (one for school, one for PE, one for home, one for “best”) were then all too big for her! She soldiered on with the Nike 270s (the ones for best) as she’d bought them with her own money. She then went back to the bashed up huaraches and didn’t want anything else for a while and I managed to get a second pair of genuine ones on eBay.

Dd is starting year 11 now. The good news is her and her friend’s style does seem to stabilise after a couple of years of secondary. Maybe it will be faster for your dd as here they start secondary in year 7.

Oops I accidentally put that gif in I don’t know how that came up in the first place, they sometimes do when I’m typing fast and miss the keys - iPad.

It's as if you're totally unaware of the concept of brands.

HappiDaze I didn't say the Op's daughter is a spoiled brat. I said people who think that it is acceptable for a child to cut up a perfectly good pair of trainers as a way to get a new pair, are likely raising their kids to be that way. I actually thought the op handled this situation well and said as much.

I was a teenage girl not that long ago and bullying because of what you wear, what colour your hair is, whether you have glasses, braces, feckles or any other mild difference happens with both boys and girls. I am more concerned with raising resilient children than ones who bow down to social pressure because someone else said it is cool.

Maybe this comes from a place where I was raised by a single mother and I had very little and learned to appreciate what I did have. I genuinely think this must be a financial thing or maybe a lost in translation thing, although Aus is not that different to the UK, because I really can't comprehend being okay with that.

Well I am 53 and I just bought two new pairs of Sketchers because I prioritise comfort. It isn’t hard for me to understand why a 12 year old might want something else.

OP, I was that child whose parents made me different by sending me to school with the unfashionable bags, shoes, whatever. It was like every opportunity they could they tried to make me different and it made my life hell. I have not recovered from the bullying even now and I have just said how old I am. Your daughter is telling you she is been picked on, laughed at, bullied. Please buy her the trainers and don’t be so spiteful to your own child as to get the same ones.

Now I’m seeing images of pensioners hanging out at the skate park 😂

You know they are aimed at OAPs when you see the advert for the slip on version that requires no bending down... she needs to admit and apologise and pay an amount towards the new ones, but get her the new ones. Being bullied at secondary school is something to avoid.

I honestly can’t believe every child entering secondary school will have the ‘correct’ branded trainers or be that concerned about what everyone else wears. Perhaps they pick up on their parents dismissing people on the basis of what they wear.

HappiDaze I didn't say the Op's daughter is a spoiled brat. I said people who think that it is acceptable for a child to cut up a perfectly good pair of trainers as a way to get a new pair, are likely raising their kids to be that way. I actually thought the op handled this situation well and said as much.

I think it's really explaining the generation of kids running feral or needing therapy for hurt feelings.

Kinda understand why that's happening in a way if this sort of shit is acceptable.

I'm in my 50s and I know my teenagers wouldn't wear Sketchers.

As they are a few months old and at 12 she probably would grow out of them soon any way, I would meet her half way and get the new shoes but she pay half the price.
I would have offered this as an option in the first place, it tends to focus my children's thoughts on whether they really really want something.
You would then have been left with a pair for home.

Still lesson learned. And she will also need to learn hers