I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased.

Well she has 🤷‍♀️ she's found the next person to bankroll her.

Sounds to me like she's living the work ethic you installed in her. You reap what you sew.

I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??

Whilst I have some sympathy for how you feel, she isn't throwing her life away. This IS her life and it is her choice. You mean she's throwing away the life that you thought she should have. But that was never yours to determine, and paying for things like top schools and universities etc (although I wonder if you've paid for too much) is not a conditional transaction - you don't get have expectations that she will live in a certain way because you paid for all those things.

I don't disagree that her choices are ones that I would be happy with in your shoes, but they are her choices and we don't get to tell our chidren what will or won't be a mistake. She will have challenges yes. But perhaps it will work out for her. Perhaps it won't. In the end though, all you can do is be there. It's too late to turn back the clock, and it's definitely too late to convince her that a different set of life choices might be worth considering.

I would worry that if she follows this fairy tale path of marriage, children, not going out to work she will be later dumped with the children and no job. If his family finance their home etc where would she stand in a break up?

THIS!

The age gap is gross and I would be devastated like you. But there is nothing you can do now at all. I am sorry OP.

One of my young adult kids has the potential to be lazy. We made him get a job at university. It’s so important.

She comes from a solidly secure middle class background - not likely to end up destitute.

When you say married next Sept do you mean Sept 23 or Sept 24.
If Sept 23 presumably the unstoppable jugganaught is in motion.

You've been liberal with her, but that doesn't stop many other people from getting jobs and its in the past. No point beating yourself up about that, can't undo it.

Several issues.

Marrying someone nearly 20 years older at the age of just 22, with no life experience other than uni and a gap year and no intention of doing anything other than going straight into motherhood - people have done this and been perfectly happy but to me, it seems like a big risk.

Will she have step children and ex's to deal with?

What about pensions? What about future work prospects when she wants to do something more fulfilling in later life when the children are older. In 20 years he will be early 60s and looking towards retirement. She will be 40 with no career experience and job options will be very limited.

She is setting herself up to be very vulnerable financially.

Is there no career at all that she could embark on? even on a part time basis?
I have a relative who gave up working on marriage and divorced 20 years later with no money or work experience and she's had to move into rented accom and a series of low paid jobs.
Does your DD expect you to bail her out if this happens?
Supposing it takes time to get pregnant.. how will she spend her time once she's done up the new home? Won't she get bored? She needs to find something that will give her experience in the meantime.

At the end of the day she is an adult and it is her life but I would be pointing out ways that she could adapt her plans to make herself more independent and protect herself. Maybe she could make an academic career for herself?

Definitely take her to a financial/legal advisor. We had to do pre marriage guidance and thought it was a bit of a joke at the time but looking back it was really sensible because it raised issues that would affect married life that we hadn't even thought about. Could you encourage her to do that?

Given her husband is 18 years older than her, I wouldn't discount the fact she may have to become the breadwinner at some point.

I have never had the option to do anything else TBH, but the idea of not earning money and paying own way as an adult is horrifying.

As for being a sahm what if she/he is infertile and can't have children? What excuse for not working will she come up with then? My money is on decorating their house?

On another note, I wonder if her husband to be realises quite what he's taking on as her meal ticket ... once married, will she expect him to pay for a cleaner and a nanny for the kids too?

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM in principle, but the more responsible tend to do it once they've got something behind them which they can fall back on if it all goes south

The worry is that if she ever finds herself unhappy in her marriage, she may not feel able to leave because she will be unable to support herself (because she's never had a job therefore no experience therefore not attractive to employers). If she could at least work a very part-time job, that would help in order that she doesn't trap herself in the future.

Just make sure she doesn't sign a pre nup

Bloody hell. She is completely spoiled with no work ethic, no idea what it's like to work, and an expectation that someone will always be there to pay her bills!

Funding her gap year was a mistake. She should have worked during it. She should also have had PT jobs during Uni/in holidays - no matter whether you could afford to pay for her! That's not the point.

That would show her what the real world is like.

I would not fund her wedding. I wouldn't be happy about it either. But they are two separate things.

If you want her to ever be able to work for herself, she needs to bin off the idea of the second (third?) degree and get a job immediately. She's still young enough at the moment that a big employer might take a risk on her through a graduate scheme, or maybe her fiancé could find her a job.

Absolutely and to have those advantages and opportunities and just do nothing with them, I just couldn't respect someone who did that.

On another note, I wonder if her husband to be realises quite what he's taking on as her meal ticket ... once married, will she expect him to pay for a cleaner and a nanny for the kids too?

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM in principle, but the more responsible tend to do it once they've got something behind them which they can fall back on if it all goes south

You strongly imply being an accountant is so much more valuable a use of time than bringing up the next generation of children. It really isn't.
Maybe she will do a different job to you

Yes agreed

Unfortunately you have to leave her to it (although my opinion is the same as yours). Although I'd be gently pointing out the risky situation she is putting herself, if the relationship ended, whilst she would be entitled to a split of assets, not having had jobs will make it very hard to get a job as she'd likely need to. I am very pro being a SAHP but I think it's unusual to decide to do that from the outset without actually having a child(ren).
I do agree with others, it sounds like you've funded her life so far which is very unhelpful - not that surprising she's gone after a husband to continue this.

It's a really hard one op and I do feel for you. On one hand you can't expect them to follow a similar path in life to you even though you've given them all the help in the world. You chose to support her financially to put her through expensive schooling and she can do whatever she wishes now. Even if she becomes a sahm it doesn't mean her education will go to waste, presumably she will be able to plug in the gaps her children may have on their own learning. If things don't work put with this guy then at least she has something to fall back on but it's her lack of real life work experience that could be an issue. It would surely be a better use of time to get any kind of job rather than do more further study?

On the other hand if she was my dd I'd be so disappointed in her making what I think is a poor choice without any kind of employment history to fall back on. A degree that you did years ago and a levels won't help you get a job in a supermarket without any kind of experience. She might not always have other people supporting her. As parents it's our job to help and support them but at some point they need to stand on their own two feet. I'd be upset if all my dd wanted to do was swap out my finacial support for someone else's having never earned a penny of her own.

God no, another year or paying for her and delaying her living in the real world as an adult.

I don't think this is a good idea at all.

OP, I think sadly you have paid for everything her whole life and now she's found someone else to do it. Undoubtedly you meant well, but I think the level of pampering has led to this.

I'm not sure how to resolve it. I guess you just need to let her do it and know that if it does go wrong with this man, she has her education behind her to enable her to support herself in the future.

Of course we have, she wanted to do research and continue to do the academia route, she considered working in a museum/curator type role (basically lives in museums right now), but nothing she's stuck to, changes all the time.

True. There are a lot of lawyers with undergrad degrees in all kinds of things, but personally I don't think it helps them get a job as a lawyer these days.

We recently did a round of interviews for grad positions. I'm guessing some had classics degrees in addition to their law degree. I don't think it helps them get across the line, in my experience.

We were most impressed by someone who worked their tail off at McDonald's during their law degree, and rose to a management role there. You can have confidence that that person isn't afraid of hard work or long hours, has experience with challenging customers/clients, understands team work and knows how to train juniors.

I think OP has done her DD a disservice by preventing her from working.

Exactly. Accountants will be replaced by AI before you know it. Mothers not so much.