I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

I just wish she'd put all the intelligence to good use.

Define what you think is "good use."

Bringing up children with a thirst for knowledge and a love of learning does not seem a bad use of her intelligence. Her love of languages and literature is such a bonus, both to her and will be to her children.

I hope you are not conveying any of your doubts to her. The world needs good minds and deep thinkers, both in the workplace and raising children. None of the world's great philosophers worked in Lidl!

Can't believe an adult of 22/23 has never worked - at all - amazing! Hopefully she spent some of that time travelling doing some volunteer work at least. Not surprised she doesn't have much in common with young people her own age - they're probably out making their way in the real world, working for what they want, why on earth did you never encourage her to do the same OP? Spending summers with two sets of grandparents - really?

At least you can say you married her off well OP

I think the OP feels that her and her husbands' way of life - aka corporate hierarchical rat race- has been rejected by her DD.

I really feel for you, OP, and I would be very disappointed too. A degree in classics and 2 MAs when she has had 0 work experience at all is not really anything to fall back on. I appreciate it has come from a place of care but handing everything on a plate to your children is unlikely to instil work ethic so probably not too surprising she is continuing as she has all her life. Easy come easy go.

I don’t think it’s wise to say anything negative about her partner as you’re likely to lose her that way. But an honest conversation about the practicalities of the future and of her having a means of obtaining financial independence/ making a living of her own should she need to at some point might be a good idea. Even a part time job would be a better shout than another MA.

I know someone who married a man 20 years older than herself at the age of 20 and had four children in quick succession. They were extremely happy until he died in his 90s. She was a SAHM because she loves kids, and wanted a big family. She certainly wasn't lazy and did work after the kids left home.

I know LOADS of people who went to Oxbridge or similar, got PhDs even, and became SAHMs after marrying straight out of uni.

I worked for years, but loathed it. Am extremely happy as a sahm. I wish I'd met my husband when I was younger.

I really don't see the problem. You want her to do what she wants, she likes kids (in which case safer to have them early), seems to have found a good man whose only fault is his age. Sounds great to me.

I might have a conversation about ensuring that she has joint access to all the money, and development of some skills in case of divorce or bereavement. But not much else you can do really. I know two couples where the mil interfered. One no longer sees her daughter or grandchild as they cut mil off. The other "successfully" split up the couple in question and drove her own child to a breakdown.

Final thought:

There's a lot of judgement of you and your DD on this thread. I don't think your DD is a good digger - frankly, she has just done the thing that fits with her experience. It sounds as if she has spent a lot of her young life with people who are older than her (holidays with godparents, grandparents etc) doing and studying cultural things compared to many others. She hasn't ever had a job and she has been to boarding school so not that many options to assess working vs domesticity and she has always had access to someone else's money to fund herself. She has had lots of access to cousins and enjoys spending time with their kids. It's a pretty natural choice from there really to decide to be a wealthy wife - she won't have to do any cleaning and can outsource tasks that many of us dislike about staying at home and which she hasn't really done before. I'd say she has been ideally schooled in looking for a rich husband! Beautiful, great dinner party chat etc. It's not really an option for your son and he might not feel the same way about kids as she does, so not really fair to compare.

I think you probably know that you didn't really teach your daughter the value of money or hard work/earning your own money.

From here, I'd probably encourage her to try something that gives her some independence and confidence - nannying for older kids and/or tutoring might be a good option, lots of agencies in London for the wealthy. Also good experience with kids so that she can decide whether she wants children to be her world

One of the nice things about her having kids early, if she chooses this, is that she can have a career afterwards and you get to be young grandparents.

As for your future SIL, it doesn't sound as if he is a bad person - sometimes, men look for younger less experienced women to control and your DD should be alive to this and to trying to keep her own confidence with something. But sometimes men who are a bit socially awkward - great at work and on chosen topics, but not great at cocktail parties - do rise to the top and struggle to find a partner until later. He might be a gem. I'd keep my mind open, so long as your daughter understands that 43 to 60 is quite a big gap later on if he ages badly.

@BeauxBelle

this OP 👆 why?

Not to be harsh , I'd be embarrassed if my 23 year old had never had a job.

From here, I'd probably encourage her to try something that gives her some independence and confidence - nannying for older kids and/or tutoring might be a good option, lots of agencies in London for the wealthy.

Why on earth would someone educated to postgrad want to be a nanny?

What she needs is training for a career.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM but she will learn the hard way that doing it with a much older DH, without a career, will be restricting in the long run. On the plus side, having kids so young means she will the other side of small children when she’s relatively young. A friend of my mother got married at 18, went to uni at 30, did a PhD and is now an Oxbridge academic.

Dosent mean it lasts.

In fact the happiest people I k ow are in age gap relationships.

It's how the relationship is not the age.

Older women also tend to put up with less shit.

A degree in classics and 2 MAs when she has had 0 work experience at all is not really anything to fall back on.

Except she could go on to do a PhD and become an academic. She obviously likes study.

It's not as if she wants to do nothing - maybe she really likes academia and is good at it - and one day could be a Professor in her field. I wouldn't be disappointed at all - how many threads are there on here about how do I keep my career, have kids and not die of exhaustion or have a breakdown before I can retire, etc - many women have been sold a bit of a 'lemon' with the "have it all" mantra, myself included.

Maybe your dd is using her intelligence more than you realize and if she's happy with her decisions and life, then there isn't really anything better that a parent could want for their dc.

You live for today, you don't know what will happen in the future
Either person could die. You live for today.

@girlfriend44 The lady doth protest too much 😆

University departments of classics and archaeology are being decimated; many have closed entirely. There isn’t enough work for existing academic staff, let alone a newbie who hasn’t even proven that she can get up in the morning and get to work on time. Academia isn’t what most people imagine. It’s not the nineteenth century any more.

Meh. He's marrying her, I guess. If it ends at least she's got the protection of marriage. It wouldn't be what I'd want for my daughters, no, but then I don't think that your values and mine are the same either (I wouldn't send my kids to board, I would make sure they had a job during A Levels or while at university to learn the value of money). That's not a criticism of you necessarily, your life and upbringing is and was probably very different to mine, but you've not not encouraged this by funding her so freely and not questioning things earlier on.

Sounds like a lovely life to me OP.

I do get tired of people on here putting down SAHMs. You can be intelligent and look after your own children you know. You don't have to spend half of your salary paying someone else to care for your children, that's not obligatory. I do understand that not everyone has the 'luxury' or the inclination to be a SAHM, but the OP's daughter is in a very different position to most of us on here, let's face it. I've never gone house shopping for a 3.7mill house, for a start. Good luck to her.

Of course and all is valuable and have done it myself,
But I didn't say either was better or more valuable, whereas the OP states one is throwing your life away and the other is a good return on her investment in the Son

Just because you paid for her schools doesn't give you control over her adult life choices!

@EbiRaisukaree absolutely, Academic jobs are gold dust these days and unbelievably competitive. Especially in areas such as Classics.

Educating yourself is never a waste. Its something everyone should do for self improvement not for a 'job'.

Most people I know with degree don't even work in their degree field, some don't even work in degree needing jobs.

Ultimately she's used her knowledge of English literature to make a Good Marriage to man of substance, the like of which Jane Austen would be proud. So there's that, I guess.

My worry would be. He is rich and therefore only considered a younger beautiful woman for a wife. He will stay rich and if this is his mindset he will prob trade her in for someone younger at some point. She needs to be prepared for that possibility and make sure she is protected.