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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
PalaceOfThePanda · 23/08/2023 16:54

Why were all her holidays spent with family rather than just staying at home and getting a job? I worked in my local Boots with my friends and had a great time and saved some money.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:55

Well thankfully in my daily life it's very rare to come across this, 95% are with people their own age.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/08/2023 16:56

There will always be young women willing to chase the money

Indeed there will - and when OP's daughter's given him the children he wants and is running around frazzled after them and no longer looking quite so much like the girl who used to model, he could easily decide he's worthy of one of them

TBF it could just as easily happen with a pauper, except paupers don't always get quite so many women offering themselves on a plate

newnamethanks · 23/08/2023 16:57

Stop it, mummy. She's your daughter so you're bound to have concerns but stop tormenting yourself with her not living the life you want for her. Nothing you can say will persuade her otherwise. It's not your life.

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 16:58

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 16:42

You seem to be confusing 'making sense' with 'the right thing to do.'

People said it's baffling, it's really not baffling it's quite logical.

That doesn't mean it's right, or the best, or usual, or typical or desirable but it does make sense.

If you are really claiming that you don't know that decisions in realstionships are dependnet on assessments of looks, age, money, & status then you are working hard to remain deluded.

People usually pair off with similiar level matches and man with money with a beuatiful women is one not uncommon and easily recognised trade off.

You may not like it, but don't pretend you have noticed this is a thing.

Again for the hard of reasoning: saying somehitng exists and we can understand why is not the same as saying it is good. .

Show quote history

Sounds like Victorian times, marrying for an heir if we go with reasoning given in your posts. A little vomit inducing too, your phrase women in their child bearing prime

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 16:59

I saw a recent evolutionary psychology study where men anonymously rated women for attractiveness, and women within the 15-25 yrs range were rated most highly by men of all ages.

That's when they're most fertile.

It's an unpleasnt truth.

Most men choose someone in thier age, looks and status categories because they are not single 40 year old millionaires. And most men love the women in thier lives and accept they are aging together. But if they were 40 yr old single millinoaires...

I'm a women in my late 50s I don't like this any more than anyone else but there is a reality to mate choice dependent on what you have to 'offer'.

Women marry across and up status heirachies. He is high in status.
Men use looks (which is youth) for a proxy for status.

He's got money she is young, beautiful and clever.

None of whihc tells us whether it might work or not that depends on lots of other personality and contextual information.

toomuchlaundry · 23/08/2023 17:02

You say you have brought her up to know you have to work hard to earn a living but you have constantly thrown money at her so she hasn’t had to work hard to earn anything, she can just sponge off you and now her fiancé

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 17:02

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:25

I'm flummoxed by the people who can't understand why a man would be attracted to a young, fertile woman with no ambition. She sounds perfect for a man finally ready to settle down.

Fertile woman, nice. She will give him both heir and spare.

Is the man in question called Charles?

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 17:05

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 16:58

Sounds like Victorian times, marrying for an heir if we go with reasoning given in your posts. A little vomit inducing too, your phrase women in their child bearing prime

Show quote history

You sound like the Victorian unable to deal with or talk about reality.

Instead wanting to pretend we now live in a more moral time where we have evolved beyond such dirty things as fertility, or talking about crass things such as money.

Unfortunately we're just as human as the Victorians were and people still make all sorts of choices you may disapprove of, for reasons you find vomit inducing.

Someone pass the smelling salts, a women over here has just found out men like attractive young women and people like money.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 17:06

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 16:59

I saw a recent evolutionary psychology study where men anonymously rated women for attractiveness, and women within the 15-25 yrs range were rated most highly by men of all ages.

That's when they're most fertile.

It's an unpleasnt truth.

Most men choose someone in thier age, looks and status categories because they are not single 40 year old millionaires. And most men love the women in thier lives and accept they are aging together. But if they were 40 yr old single millinoaires...

I'm a women in my late 50s I don't like this any more than anyone else but there is a reality to mate choice dependent on what you have to 'offer'.

Women marry across and up status heirachies. He is high in status.
Men use looks (which is youth) for a proxy for status.

He's got money she is young, beautiful and clever.

None of whihc tells us whether it might work or not that depends on lots of other personality and contextual information.

Well probably many 40 year old millionaire women might go for someone they wouldn't normally?
Depends on the person and whats important to them.
Many millionaire men have a wife their own age. It's not a certainty. It depends what kind of man he is.

goback · 23/08/2023 17:07

It's your own doing op so you don't really get to be devastated.

My parents (to be fair it was my mum) never let me get a job whilst I was at school for pretty much the same reasons you stated. Also wouldn't allow Saturday/evening jobs in case it interfered with my school work. I wasn't as privileged as your DD, but I didn't really want for anything. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do in life and not being able to get a job only compounded that problem to be honest.

Anyway I met DH at university (he's my age), good career path. I stayed on to do further study. Still no job or real understanding of what I wanted to do. We got married and I became a stay at home parent. Don't get me wrong I have a nice life and I have managed to build up my own income stream but I do sometimes wonder what life would of been like if I'd not been limited ie I was allowed a job not shipped off to grandparents.

Quite frankly I'd be annoyed if my mother was airing her opinions on my life choices when I'm a product of her parenting - things could of actually gone far worse for me.

Time will tell with the age gap but I know lots of men who keep trading the wife in to go for someone younger. Moan about the money lost in the divorce but then go and repeat the process all over again.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/08/2023 17:10

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 17:02

Fertile woman, nice. She will give him both heir and spare.

Is the man in question called Charles?

Show quote history

Hey it's not my world, I'd rather live in a caravan, but you can't deny that these people and that social mileu exists. While deeply silly, I thought that Netflix series Anatomy of a Scandal captured it rather well. Though minimal age gap there.

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 17:13

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 17:06

Well probably many 40 year old millionaire women might go for someone they wouldn't normally?
Depends on the person and whats important to them.
Many millionaire men have a wife their own age. It's not a certainty. It depends what kind of man he is.

Show quote history

Of course it's not a certainty, it's just that 40 year single millionaires male or female have a different range of options, and it's silly to pretend that is not the case or that people wouldn't take advanatge of the options money gives you.

Do we think this young women would be marrying him if he worked in a call centre and had 3 kids already? I'd guess not.

Do we think he'd be marrying her if she was a 38ys old single mum and worn out working full time in Tesco? I'd guess not.

It's obvious what the treade off here is and it's silly to those pretending it's 'baffling' why they'd be interetsde in the other.
It's bleeding obvious.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 17:15

@StrawberryWasp Not that obvious as most of us wouldn't do the same.
It is baffling.
And needs judging. And thankfully it is more and more.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 17:16

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:36

Or maybe even his own age?

Show quote history

Since he's left having kids til 40, and apparently wants them; realistically he needs someone a bit younger.

It could happen with a woman 40 or over, of course ... But the chance per cycle for women is dropping after 40, and he's already just past optimum in terms of sperm. A 40ish woman or man is likely to have more luck TTC with someone younger than them.

Longagonow96 · 23/08/2023 17:17

Flurbegurb · 23/08/2023 12:22

Very difficult OP. The age gap would concern me the most. She is probably making an absolutely massive mistake.

What do you not like about him? Have you raised that with her before?

Narrow minded response. 15 year age gap here, married 38 years...

Needathickskin · 23/08/2023 17:18

Not sure I like all the Classics degree bashing on here……

That aside, I’d be much more worried with a daughter intent on marrying a man at this age without the financial security that this man has. I’m always reminded of a saying that my own Grandmother used to say ‘when poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window’.
I would be far more worried if she chose to live with someone without money, have his children and not work or marry. Far more precarious.

She’s an adult, old enough to make her own choices and forge a life path for herself.

Longagonow96 · 23/08/2023 17:19

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 17:15

@StrawberryWasp Not that obvious as most of us wouldn't do the same.
It is baffling.
And needs judging. And thankfully it is more and more.

ODFOD and take your thankful judgement with you.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 17:20

*I saw a recent evolutionary psychology study where men anonymously rated women for attractiveness, and women within the 15-25 yrs range were rated most highly by men of all ages.

That's when they're most fertile.

It's an unpleasnt truth.*

The study may have been accurate re men's preferences, but it certainly isn't accurate re fertility. Women are most definity not at their most fertile in their teens.

Both sexes are at their most fertile early to mid 20s.

Anyway, we all know lots of older men who'd go for significantly younger women. Most of them don't get them though.

The only way they usually get them is money.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 17:22

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:55

Well thankfully in my daily life it's very rare to come across this, 95% are with people their own age.

Yep.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 17:23

@Longagonow96 Back atcha. ♥️

HBGKC · 23/08/2023 17:23

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

So you're saying that being a SAHM is a waste of a good education?

Wont it be a good thing for your grandchildren to be raised by someone educated to Masters level..?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 23/08/2023 17:29

So you're saying that being a SAHM is a waste of a good education?

well it is really isn’t it?

Hippyhippybake · 23/08/2023 17:31

@TooOldForThisNonsense Do you have a list of jobs that “aren’t a waste of a good education”?

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 17:33

*What does the daughter think of the mothers life choices etc."

Given she's either a gp or a lawyer, she should be pretty fkg impressed.

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