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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
dottypotter · 23/08/2023 16:32

None of your business op
Your parents might not have liked your choices.

Her boyfriend might not like you either.

Be careful what you say to her incase you end up falling out or estranging.

It's her life.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/08/2023 16:32

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:30

But you can still understand why some would go for it.

Show quote history

@BadNomad

no I can’t.
myself as a 36 year old woman would never go for a 19 year old male no matter how good looking, fertile, ambitious or whatever they are

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:32

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:27

Gosh, she's very young to be getting married (to a significantly older man).and talking about kids.

When I listen to early to mid twenty somethings on trains for example (well I can't avoid hearing them) I think how like older adolescents (and not older adults) they sound.

Very young to be making those sorts of decisions.

And I have to wonder about a man who's chosen a young man who could almost have been his daughter.

Exactly.. I listen to the men that age and just think of them in a motherly way. These pervy older men haven't grown up.

WishIHadAButler · 23/08/2023 16:32

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:30

But you can still understand why some would go for it.

Show quote history

Yes I guess so. And I think less of them for it.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:33

@BadNomad

Sounds like my brother. In his 40s, still handsome. Traded one younger model in for another. He likes them young and dumb (but still legal). His bank balance helps of course but he will lose his charm and looks at some point. His ex wife did very, very well after their divorce.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:33

I have tbh - if my dd was shagging and settling with a man who was heading for 20 when she was a baby, I'd be struggling not to throw up in my mouth a bit.

Why does he want someone so much younger and inexperienced, if be wondering. The world is full of attractive, accomplished 30 something women - who'd still be up to a decade younger than him, and plenty of scope to have kids.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:34

@BadNomad The men who go for it obviously haven't grown up and still have the maturity of a 20 something. Peter pan symdrome.. And to find no ambition attractive is not a good trait.
These men know they are no catch so go for the naive ones.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:35

Be careful what you say to her incase you end up falling out or estranging.

No chance of that til after they've got op and her h to pay for the no doubt expensive wedding.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:36

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 16:33

I have tbh - if my dd was shagging and settling with a man who was heading for 20 when she was a baby, I'd be struggling not to throw up in my mouth a bit.

Why does he want someone so much younger and inexperienced, if be wondering. The world is full of attractive, accomplished 30 something women - who'd still be up to a decade younger than him, and plenty of scope to have kids.

Or maybe even his own age?

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:36

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:33

@BadNomad

Sounds like my brother. In his 40s, still handsome. Traded one younger model in for another. He likes them young and dumb (but still legal). His bank balance helps of course but he will lose his charm and looks at some point. His ex wife did very, very well after their divorce.

🤢

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:37

@LuckySantangelo35 The idea of feeling anything other than parental over a young person just makes me sick.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:38

@Disturbia81

It is Peter Pan syndrome. There’s also a sugar daddy trend amongst some young women.

girlfriend44 · 23/08/2023 16:38

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:32

Exactly.. I listen to the men that age and just think of them in a motherly way. These pervy older men haven't grown up.

Show quote history

But it's not his daughter is it so what a silly expression.

How many relationships do you know of same age that don't last.

Wouldn't you be more worried a out how he treated her and how they got on as people rather than worrying about age. Very narrow minded and judgemental.

Just a boring rant post about daughter not doing what mother wants.

What does the daughter think of the mothers life choices etc.

WishIHadAButler · 23/08/2023 16:39

My kids are 19 and 20. Their male friends I see as children. I simply cannot imagine either a sexual attraction or meeting of minds. It is just gross.

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/08/2023 16:32

@BadNomad

no I can’t.
myself as a 36 year old woman would never go for a 19 year old male no matter how good looking, fertile, ambitious or whatever they are

Show quote history

If you were a man you might. If you want multiple healthy babies, you're more likely to get that with a younger woman. An older woman has less time. Older women often have children already. Older women often have careers. He wants a fit, SAHM, with no career ambitions to give him babies.

Blondewithredlips · 23/08/2023 16:42

Freeloading a go-go.

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:42

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:33

@BadNomad

Sounds like my brother. In his 40s, still handsome. Traded one younger model in for another. He likes them young and dumb (but still legal). His bank balance helps of course but he will lose his charm and looks at some point. His ex wife did very, very well after their divorce.

Yep. That only gets men so far, unless they have a bottomless pit of money. There will always be young women willing to chase the money.

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 16:42

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/08/2023 16:25

@StrawberryWasp

“They both have something valuable whihc is attractibe to the other, him money her youth, which is a story as old as the hills and which makes total sense even if you don't like message.”

why does it make sense? Surely it would make more sense that OP’s daughter concentrates on her own success and making her own money?

and not all 40 year old men need to get with a fertile 19 year old ffs, women in their thirties have babies all the time

Show quote history

You seem to be confusing 'making sense' with 'the right thing to do.'

People said it's baffling, it's really not baffling it's quite logical.

That doesn't mean it's right, or the best, or usual, or typical or desirable but it does make sense.

If you are really claiming that you don't know that decisions in realstionships are dependnet on assessments of looks, age, money, & status then you are working hard to remain deluded.

People usually pair off with similiar level matches and man with money with a beuatiful women is one not uncommon and easily recognised trade off.

You may not like it, but don't pretend you have noticed this is a thing.

Again for the hard of reasoning: saying somehitng exists and we can understand why is not the same as saying it is good. .

Theborder · 23/08/2023 16:45

@BadNomad

He has a bottomless pit, plus good looks and charm. I think if he had been a more normal guy money wise he would have actually made better choices and been happier. But there you go. A cliche. Peter Pan lives on and his new wife surely must know of his mistresses. Not a life I would pick.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:45

@girlfriend44 You sound very defensive, are you the younger woman with a much older man? 😂

We're not talking about chance of break ups. It's about how grim the older man is and what kind of person he is.

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:45

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:34

@BadNomad The men who go for it obviously haven't grown up and still have the maturity of a 20 something. Peter pan symdrome.. And to find no ambition attractive is not a good trait.
These men know they are no catch so go for the naive ones.

Or he's seeing it with a very practical eye. He'll have less bother with a young woman who won't demand equality at home. Someone happy to be a housewife. He'll get the children he wants and still be able to carry on with his fancy career and socialising with his mates with minimal fuss.

AllyCart · 23/08/2023 16:47

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:39

If you were a man you might. If you want multiple healthy babies, you're more likely to get that with a younger woman. An older woman has less time. Older women often have children already. Older women often have careers. He wants a fit, SAHM, with no career ambitions to give him babies.

Show quote history

Very few men think that way, in my experience.

More likely she wants the babies and to not have to work, and he just wants a young female to shag and not be challenged by.

Unpalatable either way...

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 16:49

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 16:36

Or maybe even his own age?

Show quote history

He wouldn't go for women of his own age as they are unlikely to be able to give him children.
Also he is wealthy, no baggage from previous marraige and wnst kids. The dating world would be his oyster.

Dating sites show that men can date 20 years younger whilst women will often only get interest from older men.

It;s the reality of biology.

Yes it's shit and unfair but you can't argue with reality.

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 16:51

Men with money alway have more options when it comes to women. Young women always have more options when it comes to men.

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 16:53

theleafandnotthetree · 23/08/2023 16:07

What even is a rockhopper?

Typo